This is f-locked in case someone in my family is paying attention. I doubt it, but there is a slight possibility. So we are paying for my niece to go to college. This is something that I have always said I was happy to do for my niece and nephew to help them get the fuck out of the shitty life our family has. My nephew wanted to do this intensive program on learning how to install solar panels… sure! I’ll pay for that! That would be a great career! After doing alright in the program he decided he didn’t want to do it as a career. His skin is too sensitive to be outside that much. . . . Maybe you could have thought about this a bit earlier sensitive boy? (Oh, he works at Shoreline every summer as a parking attendant because it is ‘cool’. At least he has done it for two years in a row. So much for the sensitive skin.)
Now my niece is taking classes at the local JC. Though she wants to transfer because the one she is going to has “too many Asians”. I’m not entirely sure what that means as a criticism, but ok. She gave me her login information to the webportal program the school uses so I can pay her fees. She thinks I am not able to check her grades. I’m not sure why she is stupid enough to think that, but ok. Last term she withdrew from the PE class she insisted that she wanted to take (I told her it was a bad idea) and she got a C in the Intro to Business class (she wants to be a Business major) and a D in the basic level accounting class. So her GPA is a 1.5. No one is perfect, I get that. But uhm… a free ride to college is not exactly a god given right.
Right now I’m feeling pretty fussy. If I sit her down and explain, “These D’s won’t even transfer. So I’m paying for you to *say* you are in college but this isn’t actually making any progress towards your supposed future goals.” I will be the bitch. I will be the bad person who is pressuring her. In paying for her college we are directly taking money we would be investing on Shanna and Calli’s education and using it on my niece instead. I’m not sure how willing I am to do that while my niece is much more interested in partying than in going to school. But if I cut her off I am probably cutting off my last real tie to my family. I will have proven that I am a terrible person.
I love how no matter what *I* am the bad guy.
EDIT: Noah points out that this post doesn’t convey a lot of why I am pissy. She posts constantly on facebook about partying. She will only take night classes because she is completely unwilling to get up at a reasonable hour (I mean getting up before noon, not 6 am). I would have more sympathy if I thought she was trying and just not getting it right. She skips classes to go to parties. Yeah… it’s not just that she is trying and not figuring things out.
Edited again:
I just went and looked. She hasn’t bothered to submit any financial aid paperwork whatsoever. Given that her mother hasn’t worked in the past couple of years (I’m not sure how Denise is going to increase her drug dealing enough to stay afloat once she stops getting unemployment) I bet that I shouldn’t have to pay almost anything at all for my niece’s education. But she can’t be bothered. Oh I’m getting pissier by the minute.
How long (meaning how many semesters) has this been going on?
What worked for my brother and I was there was a rule about how long our parents would be willing to pay if our grades were under a 2.0. If that time was passed…I think it was one year or maybe even 3 semesters…then the rule was that we would then be reimbursed for classes after we made a C or better in them. I kept my average around a 3.5, but my brother failed and withdrew a lot and had to pay for pretty much everything after the first year. In the end he dropped out completely, took a bunch of temp jobs, and is now making more than I probably ever will as a sysadmin.
Despite all the other crap with my family, this was one arrangement I think we both appreciated because the rules were so clear.
Either way I don’t envy your position.
This was just her first term. I’m afraid of it becoming a pattern though. I think I may need to come up with some structure around it and communicate it to the kiddo. I’m not sure I see any way of this going well. :-\
It may well be ugly in the short term, but it’s a favor to her in the long run.
I love how no matter what *I* am the bad guy.
This sentiment has been occupying my own thoughts for the last week or two. Which isn’t surprising, as I took the kids to their mother’s house for Christmas and so spent my first Christmas with my birth family in many years.
I concluded that this is pretty much definitional when it comes to broken/abusive/dysfunctional families. Broken families tend to refute the practice of setting boundaries, as by allowing individual responsibility and autonomy, setting boundaries requires that other people reflect on and moderate their own behavior. But, healthy people set boundaries and limits *all the time*. It’s like saying that breathing is bad — why must you always be the bad guy, with your constant inhaling and exhaling? Can’t you stop?
I’m learning to accept that I’ll probably always be the bad guy to my family, with my rude and unacceptable tendency to set boundaries and limits on subjects where I clearly have no right to do so, like how I spend my money or time or what kind of behavior is appropriate for my legal wards to be exposed to.
Yup, that sounds familiar.
What a great aunt!
I don’t think you’re a “bad guy” at all – you are giving an amazing gift, and it’s reasonable that there might need to be stipulations on such a gift. I like the above note of reimbursement, with the opportunity to recover from a crappy term. One thing I was never fully aware of when I was a kid in college was that there were lots of resources available. Don’t know what to major in? There’s a class for that. Not sure if you wanna do that for a living later? Better to get through, get some work experience, and aim for something at the masters level. (Okay, this is what I would do if I had my situation to re-do, but this isn’t about me, is it?)
I really admire your willingness to help your niece out. Communication to her is a good thing, no matter how much of a bitch you might feel you need to be. Most people need some bitchiness from somewhere at times – particularly from someone whom we respect, admire, or are otherwise respectful of, such as someone paying for our education. You might not want to set limits or give her that reality check, but she will not likely change if she doesn’t have someone point out that doing the same thing won’t change anything. (Feel free to tell her that you don’t want to be mean, but you do want to be real, and that seeing the big picture is part of her education.)
I hope your niece comes around to understand what a great gift she is being given, and figures out how best to use it.
almost anytime
you mix family and money
somebody gets fucked-over.
you could pay like they do at work.
A, B, or C = 100% reimbursement.
any else = 0%
of course, at work we have to pay for the classes up front and then get our money back.
but, maybe it would work going forward?
we’ll pay for one more full semester and then, what you get for the next semester depends on how well you did on the last.
isn’t it your experience that earning something is more valuable than simply receiving it?
and, dear one, please don’t worry about being the “bad guy.”
you are being ‘way ‘way ‘way more than generous here.
anybody who puts the blame on you is an ignorant asshole
who deserves to be ignore.
in this case, you’re the consumer.
the product you want is an educated niece.
no educated niece = no product.
why should you pay for nothing?
and niece has responsibilities, too.
if she fucks up then she fucks up.
her choice, not yours.
at lease “sensitive skin” finished his training.
he can point to that as an accomplishment.
p.s. the girl’s “too many Asians” comment suggests that at least one of her classes be in Social Sensitivity.
she can probably find something like that in one of those damned liberal colleges out in Califuckinfornia.
The funny thing about sensitive skin… the guy who taught the class is also the guy who installed the solar panels on my roof. He is my sister’s ex-boyfriend and he lived with my nephew for many years. He would hand my nephew a job right this minute if sensitive skin was willing to work. Sensitive skin would rather stay home and bitch about how he can’t find a job where they treat him with enough respect.
what a waste.
i’m happy he only went to solar panel training.
“yeah, i have a bachelor of science in geology that cost $30,000 to get but it turns out that looking at rocks makes my eyes too tired to actually do anything with it.”
at least you tried, pal.
at least you tried.
“treat you with respect?”
what the fuck?
you have to earn respect.
like you have to earn money.
kids.
i hate ’em.
I don’t know how relevant this is, but I’ll throw it out there.
I know when I went off to college, I came from a family who valued higher education, it was not just a hope but an expectation that I would go to college, and I still managed to go on academic probation my first year. I even managed to fail a class in my major. IMostly, I hadn’t learned how to be a college student just yet. I hadn’t learned how to ask for help yet. I’d only recently realized I hadn’t learned how to study in high school, and I hadn’t learned how to budget my own time or police myself on getting my own work done (still working on that). I took a couple of classes that were too hard for me and I wouldn’t admit it until it was too late to withdraw penalty-free. I took more than a few classes that were not relevant to my major. I took a couple of classes I regretted later, whether for their workload or being disappointed by their content or finding out later they didn’t count how I thought they’d count or any number of other reasons.
I’m saying some of this (I don’t know your neice, so I can’t make any determination as to how much) *is* part of the college experience. I’m *not* saying you should be expected to foot the bill for all of it. Definitely there should be boundaries on exactly how much and what you’re willing to pay for. I’m suggesting that expecting her to know how to behave totally like a responsible college-attending adult right now might not be entirely reasonable, and that sort of thing comes with experience.
I have every faith that if this doesn’t apply to your neice, you’ll tell me to get stuffed. I’m just trying to be encouraging, that people have a wide variety of experiences in college and can still make it work in the long run.
Thing is, I can have a lot of sympathy for the fact that people need to ‘learn’ how to do college while not being willing to pay for her to fuck around. The money I spend on my niece fucking around directly and literally affects what I will be able to provide for my children. I feel very uncomfortable about doing that if my niece isn’t making reasonable progress. A 1.5 gpa isn’t trying, I’m sorry.
And I’ll point out that having the safety net of getting to fuck around in college but have ‘second chances’ is a privilege. Not all of us get that. I took classes I ended up not needing but I was the one paying for it.
A great percentage of my pissiness is because we do *not* come from a family where education is expected. I’m the first to successfully go to college. And I did it without help. This is a big deal for me to do for her. I’m pissed off that she is acting like a dilettante playing around with Daddy’s money… only it’s my money.
If she had a 3.5 GPA and fully 1/3 of the classes were for ‘fun’ I really wouldn’t bitch. I’d tell her I’m glad she is learning things that are interesting to her. But that’s not what is happening.
I’m not picking on you for commenting. 🙂 I’m just kind of ranting and you are standing near your comments while doing it. 😀
I’m with on this. Your nice probably needs tutoring- a good tutor helps you learn how to learn (literally), and that’s what it sounds like she needs. After that, if it continues, you’ll know she’s partying.
I know my parents agreed to pay for 3/4 of up to 5 years of college. Again, much like bldrnrpdx, I come from a family of academics, so it was pretty much expected, but they never asked about grades, only made sure we stayed in.
I don’t think it’d be a bad thing to tell her you need some sort of evidence she’s actually trying. That sort of experience is part of the college life, and it will prepare her for the working world. Either better grades, or signed notes that she’s been going to tutoring, or something.
Good luck!
I know she is partying because I read her f’in facebook.
Thing is, I’m not willing to be her parent. I’m not interested in tracking her progress. I’m giving her a helping hand she shouldn’t expect. I think she might need to figure some shit on her own.
Yeah, fuck that noise.
Dear So-And-So:
I see your grades aren’t the best. This might be improved by partying less and studying more. I’m paying for you to get an education, not to waste your time.
C or better or we’re done. The school has minimum standards for you to stay in, and so do I. C’s are not hard, but they will get you a degree.
Love,
-You
P.S.
If you want to transfer, B or better. You can expect a full grade drop from JC to university.
Good luck with that! You’re going above and beyond!
I’m continuing to update my original post because I’m finding additional reasons to be pissy. Looking through her account she didn’t bother to file for financial aid. Which means I could probably be paying 1/4 or less of what I am currently paying. But that would be work for her so why bother.
Yeah, sounds like time for a sit-down.
On the other hand, if it’s true that she should be getting pretty much a full ride because of finances, that means that you shouldn’t have to pay for that at all. Maybe point out to her that finances being what they are, she doesn’t really need the help. So if she WANTS to get an education, you’d be willing to help her defray living expenses (sounds like she needs to get out of mom’s home, if she hasn’t already), but if she’s not going to try, she’s on her own. Since it looks like FinAid would pick up most of that, I don’t think the family has ground to stand on.
Oh, wait! You’re doing this out of the goodness of your heart! They already don’t!
Hugs!
Personally, I’m a big fan on contracts. Written ones, that both people sign. That way, there is no “but you SAID!” issues later.
*nod* I get that. I’m just not sure it is worthwhile to me to do that.
hey!
i know…
send *me* the money.
i’ll use it for “Word Domination.”
might be looking for a queen when i get the gig.
just sayin…
Hey, are you propositioning my wife?
I mean, she’s pretty hot, I get that.
But just because I’d love to be as crotchety as you when I grow up doesn’t mean I want competition now…
😉
you shouldn’t worry, young, virile man.
she’d take you up as Her Royal Consort.
and i’d be demoted.
to court jester.
Let’s see … when someone is seeking financial aid for school, grants and/or loans are based on need, demonstrated by the information submitted on the FAFSA. Once awarded, whether it’s in the form of grants or loans, there are academic standards which must be met for continued financial aid.
If I were the grantor, I would base the grants she receives on financial need, and with the stipulation they will only continue as long as she qualifies academically. She would need to complete the FAFSA and provide a copy of the statements yielded from that process, in order to establish her financial need. And, based on what you’ve relayed here about her grades and her Facebook postings, I’d probably tell her she’s on academic probation as of now.
There’s at least an outside chance she’d learn more than what she’s getting at the JC right now — like what healthy boundaries look like, how to accept responsibility for herself, and what it means to live with the consequences of her actions.
And as far as Mr. Sensitive Skin is concerned, if I had paid for that solar installation program, and knew he had the opportunity to take that knowledge and earn a good living with it, but wasn’t, I’d present him with an invoice for the cost of the training.
But I guess I’m just a bitch like that.