I think it is kind of funny that most of my parenting issues involve conflict with other parents, not problems with my kids. I can’t post about them on MDC though because the women I hang out with are on it. And apparently it is actually against the User Agreement to post about issues with other members. So yeah. Y’all get to hear about it. 🙂
Disclaimers! I like the kid in question a lot. He is a wonderful little snuggle bug and I adore him. I like the mom in question a lot. She is a great match for a lot of the things I miss so much about Sarah (although dear God is she *not* Sarah… some big differences).
So one of the little darlings in our play group is ~15 months. We have been hanging out with him for almost a year. He is now getting to the walking and talking stage. …And the hitting stage. And thus the difficulty. And he’s a biter. He has both bitten and hit Shanna in the face. Repeatedly. Now, to be clear, it’s not like I think his mother should beat him or anything, but she’s not reacting. She says, “Ohhhh [first name]” and that’s it. She doesn’t walk up to him to redirect. She doesn’t talk to him about his behavior being unacceptable. She just kind of lets it slide. I kind of have a problem with this approach seeing as he might be 16 months younger than Shanna but he outweighs her. He is a *very* sturdy child. When he hits it *hurts*. I know. He’s walloped me and I was shocked by how much it hurt. And yesterday he clocked Shanna in the face while simultaneously screaming, “No no no” because he didn’t want her to move the toy they were both playing with. I think once you get to the point where you are actively saying that you don’t like someone else’s behavior you can understand the request to not hit. You may not follow it… but I think he would understand redirection. And the mama isn’t giving him any.
So I’m not sure what to do. She’s not doing the parenting here and my kid is suffering. I’m not sure what to do. I’m about 10% tempted to tell Shanna to knock his block off if his mother allows him to hit Shanna. But uhm, yeah. That’s not actually a great plan. He needs help with his behavior and in the moment I am usually caring for a sobbing Shanna and I feel like it shouldn’t exactly be my responsibility to talk to him about his hitting. However she isn’t doing it. How horribly inappropriate would it be for me to start talking to him/working with him on the hitting? I feel like since she isn’t willing to shadow him I need to start. He really needs more input than he’s getting from her about his behavior. One more time! I don’t think he’s a bad kid! He’s 15 months old and he’s got poor impulse control. I like his mom too! But she’s… not as instructive as I would prefer for the continued health of my kid, ya know?
As per the norm when asking for advice on the internet I am not explaining every single thing from the situation. Like, I suspect that part of the reason she is so laissez faire is because she had a very hard road to have him. Many years of fertility treatment and a previous abortion at 20 weeks because the baby wouldn’t have been able to survive anyway. Hard hard road to parenthood. I get that she is just grateful to have him. Complicated.
Yell at the kid. It’s quick, so you don’t lose time taking care of Shanna, and it gets the message to both the kid and the mother that the kid’s behavior is unacceptable.
Well, but I wouldn’t yell at *my* 15 month old for doing that so I don’t feel comfortable yelling at someone else’s 15 month old. I don’t think kids that young particularly need yelling at. And it’s fairly important to me that this kid continue to trust me because these are folks we are starting to build a baby-sitting co-op with. I don’t want him afraid of me.
Is it possible to somehow express your concern to this mom and work it out directly with her? I realize this may be part of the Complicated, but really, hard road to parenthood does not abrogate the responsibilities of parenting.
If not, or if she’s not able to do what needs doing, if you *can* talk to the child about it/work with him (cuz I *completely* understand that your first concern is going to be giving attention to your own child and her needs), I don’t think it’d be horribly inappropriate. Note, though, that IANAParent, so I’m not sure how much weight my opinion ought to get in such matters. 🙂
In any case, good luck!
I actually have brought it up with her before. It’s just not done any good. :-\
Oh, that sucks; I’m sorry. 🙁
It reinforces my belief that it wouldn’t be out of line for you to work with the boy about it, though.
Then I would not enter in a babysitting co-op with this family. She’ll let her kid beat on yours and then when your kid gets sick of it she’ll either stand back and watch them go hammer and nails or she’ll lose it on your kid.
She may not actually know what to do.
It seems that you can sit down with her and have a reasonable conversation. “I see this happening and it’s causing problems for me and my child. Can we work together on making it stop?”
The problem is that I’ve already asked her to shadow him more. She likes to sit on the couch across the room and yell his name and expects that it will have some effect on him but I’m not even sure what effect she is going for. I’ve asked her to be closer physically to try to prevent him from hurting my kid. So she stood 4′ away from him and yelled his name this time. It was uhm more physical proximity I guess…
If the kid is hitting and biting she has no idea what to do to correct the behavior.
This is so anti-modern parenting, and I know I’m likely to be hung out to dry, but here goes…
At that same age Darling Daughter was a biter of the first degree. She bit *every one* she grew angry or frustrated with. If she was pissed with you – you were gonna get bit.
We talked. And discussed. And redirected. And timed-out. And none of it worked.
Finally. One day. When she bit my hand. I took her hand and bit her back. Not as hard as she bit me, mind you, but enough to hurt.
She screamed and cried, of course, but when she calmed down I told her *that’s* that it felt like when *she* bit other people. And I told her that, every time she bit somebody, anybody, I was going to bite her back.
She never again bit anyone. Ever. She simply stopped.
I don’t think kids that age are aware of what their actions feel like to others. They do it to get what they want without regard to others. And I think kids need to understand that bad behavior (and biting is *very* bad behavior) has immediate and serious consequences that go beyond being talked to or timed-out.
Now…
Would’ve I bit another person’s kid?
Sure the hell I would’ve. After warning both the kid and the parent.
Really – a hard bite in the wrong place can cause substantial damage. A bite to the face? All I think about are eyeballs.
And as an aside…
Any kid *hitting* one of mine? I told the kid and parent either reign it in or *I* was gonna take action.
My kids did not *ever* hit other kids when I was around without there being immediate/swift correction and an apology. I expected no less from other kids and parents. And if they didn’t like it, they could stay the hell away from my family!
*nod* Shanna never really hit and she’s never been a biter so I totally believe that it is hard to know what to do. :-\
Want to know the kicker on him biting? His front teeth are chipped. So they are extra ragged and sharp.
I don’t think I would be up for biting him back. Not someone else’s kid. If my kid bit me how he is biting her I would probably reach a point where I would do it but I wouldn’t feel good about it. She comes to playgroup weekly talking about the most recent time he bit her hard enough to draw blood. He’s never bitten another kid that hard, thank god.
I think I need to start shadowing him like he’s mine. Ugh. That sounds like so much work. 🙁
drawing blood opens things up to infection and like that.
definitely not a good thing.
maybe you should bite his mom?
Discipline the kid. “we don’t hit, if you want the toy say ‘can I have the toy when you’re done'” that sort of thing. Basically, make it be about your rules in your house.
Preferably, catch his hand before he can hit (anyone not just your kids) to deliver the message.
His mom has a problem, she doesn’t have bring her kids to play with you.