You said that if you claim to be a dancer when you’re not going out dancing or to be non-monogamous when only sleeping with your husband that you’re “as bad as (the rest of?) your family”. It sounded like a throw-away comment when you said it, but it also sounded really important.
I think it’s possible to identify as or with something even when not in a position to act on or live out that identity or belief. I think it depends on how deeply felt, how core it is to one’s self-identity. I still think of myself as a dancer, but where once it was a core identifier it’s now fairly vague. It’s something I want to do but not something I am doing. When it was core it was much more important to me to Make It Happen – even when I didn’t – and now it’s something I can table until it’s convenient.
It sounds to me like dancing isn’t core for you but non-monogamy is. You’re not currently sleeping with anyone except your husband but you’re open to doing so – with the right person or persons. You told my mother that you identify as queer and in a heterosexual relationship because the person you fell in love with and with whom you felt you could raise children happened to be male.
If we take Noah out of the picture, if you weren’t in a relationship with him, you could still identify as sex-positive and/or non-monogamous and not be sleeping with anyone – nor under any obligation, having identified as such, to put out or prove it in any way shape or form. If you were a single mother who was interested in sex but not currently sleeping with anyone I can’t see that you would have to identify as celibate.
I know quite a bit about “sexually active but not currently sleeping with anyone” :o)
Anyway, I think an issue can be “core” to your self-identity even if you’re not the poster-girl for it and that the issues which are “core” can change.
You said that if you claim to be a dancer when you’re not going out dancing or to be non-monogamous when only sleeping with your husband that you’re “as bad as (the rest of?) your family”. It sounded like a throw-away comment when you said it, but it also sounded really important.
I think it’s possible to identify as or with something even when not in a position to act on or live out that identity or belief. I think it depends on how deeply felt, how core it is to one’s self-identity. I still think of myself as a dancer, but where once it was a core identifier it’s now fairly vague. It’s something I want to do but not something I am doing. When it was core it was much more important to me to Make It Happen – even when I didn’t – and now it’s something I can table until it’s convenient.
It sounds to me like dancing isn’t core for you but non-monogamy is. You’re not currently sleeping with anyone except your husband but you’re open to doing so – with the right person or persons. You told my mother that you identify as queer and in a heterosexual relationship because the person you fell in love with and with whom you felt you could raise children happened to be male.
If we take Noah out of the picture, if you weren’t in a relationship with him, you could still identify as sex-positive and/or non-monogamous and not be sleeping with anyone – nor under any obligation, having identified as such, to put out or prove it in any way shape or form. If you were a single mother who was interested in sex but not currently sleeping with anyone I can’t see that you would have to identify as celibate.
I know quite a bit about “sexually active but not currently sleeping with anyone” :o)
Anyway, I think an issue can be “core” to your self-identity even if you’re not the poster-girl for it and that the issues which are “core” can change.