Not eating sugar is hard. There is hidden, extra sugar in freakin everything. I’m trying. And I’m not being a fascist with the kids. When other people hand them sugar when we are out I don’t say anything.

Today is a gardening day. And my friend’s husband is coming tonight. I’m going to get a whole bunch of work done. I can feel my heart go pitter patter. It is hilarious how happy getting work done makes me. Slowing the inevitable decline of my house makes me feel better about living in it. It’s a thing.

I’ve been doing a lot of gardening. I really want to put up pictures of my yard. If I’m good I may do it today. I’ve made a lot of progress lately. I will be putting out word that I have more starts than I need pretty soon. The lavender is taking off. I’m going to have almost a dozen plants out of this batch. I’m going to have 40+ tomato plants. Over a dozen chard plants. Those are the ones I have massively popping up so far. I think the parsley is taking off. Lots of carrots are coming up outside. The celery looks happy. Artichokes are doing great. We pulled the flowers off the blueberry bush because you shouldn’t let it fruit the first year.

Lots going on in the yard. I would really like showing off. But I’m bad at taking pictures so I dislike posting what I take. Oh well. Get over it.

I need to write the Easter egg hunt email. I’m thoroughly excited about this year. This is our fourth hunt. I think this will be the first one with a lot of kids. I’ve been hoping that one of these years we would hit critical mass. The hunt is the day after I drive back from Portland. I think this year will be pot luck. And I have to have the house completely ready before we leave. The only thing I will have to do is get up Sunday morning and hide the eggs. You can’t do that in advance anyway. It’ll be fun.

I feel like I live my life preparing for events. That’s how I structure my time. “X event is in Y days so I should do Z work so I am ready.” I check in with my calendar multiple times of day. I keep long task lists for separate areas of endeavor (yard, cleaning, crafty-schtuff, cooking, etc) and I move back and forth between the lists as my priorities shift. Sometimes, when I’m feeling lonely I think about taking pictures of alllll the lists next to one another because it amuses me. But I feel weird about it so I don’t.

Which is to say: I live in an era of over-exposure and I know that everything I put into the world becomes part of how people judge me. How much of my insanity do I want to reveal? Shaping an identity comes in inches. I think it is funny that I have considerably less compunction about writing graphic sexual stories than I have about posting pictures of my gardening.

My gardening is actually personal. I am slowly working towards an image in my mind. I have plans. I am creating something. I am creating something that I want to see for the sole reason that I want to see it. I am being very selfish. I am using a tremendous amount of time and energy.

It feels really good. I will get to hide here for the rest of my life. And I will make it beautiful. That is personal.

Most of the time when I have fucked people it hasn’t been very personal. Probably 80% of my partners were fewer than four uhm occasions. Around 60% were once. I didn’t know them. They don’t know me. They don’t want to know me. I have had sex with somewhere between 120-130 people.

Sex is a physical need. Also, I have spent a lot of my life trying to get through one more night. I grew up with the belief that I should be constantly searching for a sex partner and tolerating inappropriate contact from men. Being married and having kids means that I have the “acceptable model” to kind of default into. It does happen to be a relatively healthy model.

I’m not interested in spending all of my time out being entertained. That sounds like a lot of work and a lot of money to me. I don’t want my children to look at the environment around them as owing them entertainment. They need to create their own entertainment. That’s life. You have to create what you want to see in the world. How are you going to do that? My kids do some really cool things with play silks. They have a lot of time to fill.

I’m excited about the idea of charter school money. I know what the standards are. I know how to measure them. I know how to introduce concepts. It doesn’t require curriculum. It can just happen.

And I forgot to hit post again. That’s ok. Tomorrow will be festive as well. Tomorrow is my last day of incest support group. I’m relieved.