Instead I went to look at Mint. We have a lot of expensive life goals. Are we moving towards them or am I fucking it all up? Noah is more than doing his share.
I spend around $900/month on my mental health. How is that for privilege? My insurance does not pay for any of what I do for my mental health so it is all out of pocket. And none is eligible for reimbursement from an HSA. Ha.
As long as I am suicidal I should be in therapy. It is obviously a band-aid on a severed limb but it is all I have. Is it perfect? Obviously not. But I’m not dead yet.
I feel very ashamed of myself for needing such a large amount of money in order to be relatively cheerful and functional. Without spending that much money I cry and cry and cry and scream. I don’t stay calm very well. I feel very ashamed of myself for being broken in this way. Why can’t I just “fix it”?
Why can’t I just stop caring. Why can’t I stop bringing up old shit?
Because I am still sitting here. And I am still me. And bodies have limits of stress. I’m trying to figure out how to lower my stress levels. I’m trying. I’m trying.
The worse I feel about my lack of progress the slower my progress. Rinse. Repeat.
I’m absolutely terrified that the doctor is going to be dismissive and tell me that my abdominal pain is just stress related. It isn’t. It isn’t all in my head. It is physical. I feel so pathetic. I keep crying. Please. Please believe me.
It is hard feeling out of control of my body. It is a reminder that I am never in control. Not of anything. There is the possibility that my body could be helped by western medicine.
But I’m outside the norm. I have had doctors tell me to my face that they will not treat me until I fall into line and stop being outside the norm. Doctors have told me that it is no big deal when sex is intensely painful for me–I’m just doing it for the man any way. I’ve been told it is my fault that procedures hurt because I am “anticipating the pain” and creating it.
I don’t like doctors very much. They tend to think of themselves as all-knowing. Just because you read something in a fucking book doesn’t make you all-knowing. You fucking asshole.
ack kid up