My nephew turned 24 two days ago. I’ve been thinking about him since. I wonder how he is doing.

I feel intense sorrow that I am not doing more to support my friend who just lost her life partner. She hasn’t asked for more, but I think I should be there and I’m not. I feel very ashamed of myself.

I feel like a petty, pathetic, moron for caring so much about how clean my house is before a party. But I’m still forcing everyone in my family to clean.

I’ve had sex twice this month and I don’t know that we will be doing that again. I don’t really feel good about sex right now. Being touched makes me freak out. This is a huge slump and I feel really bad about it.

People are being very nice and soliciting spending time with us. I feel like a piece of shit because I am staying home and working on cleaning up my yard. I feel vapid, narcissistic, and stupid. But I don’t want anyone to get hurt and there has been a lot of debris. I wish I didn’t feel so bad about doing this work.

Construction is always stressful. I don’t know anyone who has construction on their property without stress. It is almost over though and all of the work is beautiful. I am going to be very happy with my yard for the rest of my life. That is nice anticipation.

I feel like I am failing on homeschooling lately. I have too many hours of the week booked. I’m just requiring my kids to entertain themselves while I work. That said, they are incredibly helpful. And because I have not been reading to them much Shanna has been “reading” to Calli a lot and that is really cool on its own.

I continue to feel waves of shame over yelling at my neighbors for being racist. I feel like there should have been some constructive way to deal with it only I am a nasty harpy bitch. And yet… I’d much rather be a nasty harpy bitch than keep my mouth shut when someone says things I believe are wrong. I feel very guilty about choosing to be this person. I’m not nice.

The goody bags are packed for the birthday parties. Not that all of the kids have RSVPed. I should probably email those two moms and find out if the kids are coming.

Cakes are ordered. We will be delightfully cake-ified.

Today we have a playdate with some folks who invited us over to their house before I started canceling everything this week. I don’t feel that guilty about canceling group participation but when someone invites me over to their house I try like hell not to cancel. If I invite myself over I’m ok with rescheduling when something comes up… but not if I’m invited. I know how hard it is for people to invite. I don’t want to fuck that up.

I miss the Leather community. Noah doesn’t understand why. The flaming perverts don’t hold within them the potential to make my life very hard for the next few decades. I’m painfully aware that I can’t fuck things up with people who are involved with my kids. The Leather community is not about my children. If I fuck up there it is something where only I have to pay the penalty. That sounds so freeing right now. I miss having only me pay for being me.

I’m so grateful that my children wake up every day ready to jump into my arms and exclaim that the missed me last night! They are ready for some snuggling!

This is the best period of my entire life. I am so grateful I get to be here. I’m learning that “being wanted” isn’t something that you necessarily feel. Because I am wanted. My children and my husband want me fiercely. And I still don’t feel it. That’s not their fault. I’m trying.

I shouldn’t be typing. But I feel so lonely and sad. I’ve been crying on and off for days. I miss my mom so much. I wish I could stop missing her. I’d give almost anything to not miss her anymore.