Dear 12 year old Krissy,

I need to talk to you about rape. Goodness knows no one else is going to do so any year soon. You have been raped. What your dad did was rape. What Michael and Jeremy did was rape. Rape is when someone (a man, woman, boy, or girl) forces you to have sexual contact. When your father put his fingers and his penis inside of you… that was rape. Yes, the fingers count. When a grown man puts his fingers inside the vagina of a little girl that is rape. Period. There are no other ways to describe that.

You don’t deserve any of what has happened to you. There is no such thing as deserving rape. No one can deserve to be raped. When Jeremy told you that he could go ahead and fuck you since you weren’t a virgin anyway? He was a crazy bad person. He should be put in jail.

Your father should be in jail. Some day you will try to put him there. It won’t work out because he will kill himself rather than accept the consequences of his actions. You will discover that most people will do absolutely anything to get out of being responsible for their own actions.

I’m sorry you didn’t have the words or the support to prosecute Michael or Jeremy. It isn’t your fault. You were so young. You didn’t even know the word rape. You knew what sex was. You knew you weren’t going to be listened to when you said no. You did say no. You did say that you didn’t want it, good girl. Speaking up for yourself is right.

I have bad news. You aren’t done being raped. It is going to take another thirteen years for you to figure out how to make the rape stop. I am so sorry.

You already know that no one believes you when you talk about what is happening to you. Don’t bother trying to talk to people about it until you are an adult and away from your family. When you have your family behind you calling you a liar every time you speak it becomes impossible to judge what is real and what isn’t. Don’t speak where they can hear you. You aren’t a liar. They just don’t want to hear it.

That impulse to speak up for yourself is good. Work on that. Even though people already accuse you of being a bitch and being too aggressive. Forget them. They don’t matter. They are not going to keep you safe. You are the only one who can keep you safe. You are the only one who will be there.

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. You need to know everything in that book. You need to learn how to identify which sick feelings in your stomach mean you should run like crazy.

When you get into bad situations don’t call your family. Instead of calling your family (who will hang up on you and tell you to deal with the situation you made) call the police. If you call the police and say, “Excuse me. I am 16 and I am in a house with my boss and another 16 year old employee of the clothing company I work for. Our boss is giving us crank and I really need a way out of this house and I don’t have anyone who will pick me up.” The police will come. They will come quickly. Your boss will go to jail instead of just being transferred to another store. Calling your family will just make you think that everyone in the world wants you to be a junkie.

When you are raped again, don’t go home and take a shower. I know you want to. I know that you think no one cares what happens to girls like you. It isn’t true. There are good people in the world who care. They just don’t know you yet. They don’t know what is happening to you. They don’t know that you need their help.

I’m not a huge fan of RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network) because they have never been good at hooking me up with resources where I live. But they do have phone hotlines that you can call in a crisis. When you are raped again, call them first. (1-800-656-4673) Then see if you can find the courage to call 911. If you can, go to a hospital and get a rape kit. That is the only way you will get access to the legal help you need. Your family is uniquely unsuitable for helping you.

People with better families might do well to call their mother before going to the hospital for a rape kit. Not your mother. Your mother will tell you to be ashamed of yourself and take responsibility. It isn’t your fault. No matter what she says. Sometimes mothers are very wrong.

Sometimes calling 911 won’t be an option.