After a while I start feeling guilty if I post too much on social media. I’m allowed to post random drips and drabs (or novellas) in my blog whenever I want to. I’m on my third suicide book of the day. This morning’s chapter in Outrunning was about trying to find a therapist. All cheer all the time here in Wonderland.

I’m struggling with the tunnel thinking. I am glad I started out the day with a good clinical book and went on to a bad lay book and I’m on a decent lay book now.

This second lay book covers most of the same material as the first lay book but instead of long chapters with annoying and patronizing step by step instructions about what you HAVE TO DO IF YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE she is writing short little stories. It tells the same message without being annoying and obnoxious.

I really like the second book (third of the day). She has a website so I sent her an email. I’m glad she is out there in the world writing.

Sometimes being alive hurts so much.

I have a lot of empathy for how this woman talks extensively about not having much of a support network and how much she struggles with asking for help. She knows that she is always on the verge of overwhelming her tenuous support network so she has to very carefully only ask for help at the most important times.

I know that balance very well. If you ask for too much then people stop wanting to know you. It’s hard.

I am glad that I didn’t die when I was fifteen. If what happened to me up until I was fifteen was my entire life story that would be very sad indeed. The seventeen years since I overdosed have certainly been better than the first fifteen years.

It is hard knowing that my perceptions are broken and I need to ignore how my brain perceives the world. I’m stuck on hurting. I don’t actually hurt much any more. I mean, I do. But I don’t have ongoing wounds. I am not being retraumatized over and over anymore.

I still have relationship issues and blow ups and such. But next month I will be seven years post-rape. That’s a long time. Sure, I have managed this shift mostly by hiding in my house but it still counts.

It still counts.