Not helpful

I often worry about writing about people. It alienates people when I write about my experience of their behavior. I often have to weigh “How many hours of crying should I be silent about” in favor of keeping the illusion of a friendship going.

Yesterday wasn’t a great day. It was fine after the one short scream. That’s kind of how it goes. I put up a lot more boundaries and then all of a sudden we stop fighting.

When I’m having a shitty day it isn’t very helpful for me to have people write to me and tell me that they thought about helping me but they decided not to because they have other things to do.

You know, I make that assumption. All day every day. People don’t help me because they have better things to do.

I don’t really need to be reminded. I don’t need a specific and conscious reminder. I don’t understand why people feel the need to write to me and say that they thought about helping me but decided not to.

What in the fuck is that supposed to do for me? Why did you tell me that? It isn’t just one person doing this.

If fairly particular people set up a time to help and then back out again I’m not sure I can handle scheduling with them in the future. How many times of being cancelled on in a row should I allow? I mean… how stupid am I?

Yeah, I know that people aren’t going to help me. That’s my basic assumption every fucking morning of my life. That has been true pretty consistently no matter what has fucking happened to me for my whole life.

You can stop telling me that you aren’t going to help me. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

You don’t need to send me emails “I’m so busy. Sorry.” 

What am I supposed to get from that?

Did I god damn ask you for help? No. I mother fucking didn’t. Well, some of you I asked you for help a long time ago. You agreed or you didn’t. I haven’t asked since.

I wait and see what you do. Yeah, I can see what you do. I really don’t need to hear about your thought process as you decide to not help me. That just makes me cry for days. I know I’m not that important. Thanks for fucking writing in to remind me.

I spend a lot of time feeling like a piece of shit because I need as much help as I do. I need help. I’m not getting it. But I need it. Oh well. You don’t always get what you need in life if it is dependent on other people. Sometimes if what you need is other people then you just have to accept that you aren’t going to get what you need.

Noah gives me all the support he can. K lets me go to therapy. If I need more support than that I can go fuck myself.

5 thoughts on “Not helpful

  1. Paula

    I reached out because I assume you want to know people hear you and are thinking of you. Perhaps I should have added: even though I am on the verge of a cold, I *could* come down if you really want/ need help. It’s up to you.

    If it were me, I would appreciate hearing from a person who reached out in such a way. Sorry it’s not like that for you. Hope you (all) are doing better today.

    Reply
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      Paula, 100% of the time when you reach out I believe you are coming from a place of meaning well. However the best of intentions don’t always work out. That doesn’t mean you have done something TERRIBLE but it means it didn’t land how you wanted it to.

      Part of the reason I write is because I have too much emotion in my body and I can’t process it. If I don’t process it in writing I will end up screaming and screaming and screaming at my kids and I won’t even really understand why.

      I don’t think you have ever meant to hurt me. I am not sure you have ever been malicious enough to *want* to hurt anyone. I ascribe absolutely zero malice to you.

      But there is a difference between “I could come down” and “I have a cold and I have a party coming up so I decided to not come down.” If you think I should *assume* the first then you are making a lot of leaps about my mental health and our relationship that are not accurate. You should probably know how far off I am receiving your message.

      What I heard was closer to “I need to straighten my stereo wires. Sorry your day sucks.”

      Yes, I over react. Maybe that was because I was already over reacting to everything standing near me and then you came and stood near me? Maybe the over reaction was entirely predictable?

      I wish I was better able to just understand what you mean no matter how it comes out. I’m not. I have this whole lifetime of baggage of people saying things about how they wish they could help me… but they aren’t going to.

      I wish I was better able to be nice to you in the ways you deserve. I’m sorry I react the way I do.

      Reply
        1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

          I really do wish I was better able to explain without the stream of conscious swearing. I think you deserve better treatment.

          Reply
  2. Paula

    Also, I find it ambiguous that you say you want people to visit yet you say you are overscheduled.

    Reply

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