Why do you have sex?  I have sex for a lot of reasons.  Sometimes I have sex becauseI have a physical ache inside of me and I don’t know another way of dealing with it.  Sometimes I want to make someone else happy.  Sometimes I want to bond.  Sometimes I want to be the one telling someone that they are desirable and an awesome human being.  I want to give them something warm to think about on lonely nights.  I try hard to be so awesome that they can’t forget me.

Sometimes the price of admission is too high.  I know that I have an inappropriate interest in emotionally uhm damaged men.  It’s pretty rare for an emotionally healthy guy to be interested in dealing with me.  I think Noah is the healthiest partner I’ve had.  This is probably because mostly the people who are interested in instant sex have some issues.  But that’s really not the point.

The point is that the friend I slept with yesterday has some issues.  As a result he’s a boundary pusher.  He’s one of my assholes.  God love ’em.  I don’t know why I love my assholes so much.  I don’t know why I let them get away with the stuff I tolerate.  Whenever I am complimented on my boundaries I want to laugh.  The problem is, I can easily deflect the people who aren’t a threat.  I spent too many years advertising that I was a bad ass masochist.  I’m now having to deal with the consequence that many of my lovers are only interested in a kind of sex that is physically damaging to me.

I’m not saying it’s bad.  It feels great in the moment.  I came dozens, maybe a hundred times.  It was fucking awesome.  But over and over again I had to stop what was happening by angrily yelling, “I said STOP GOD DAMNIT.”  His response was always, “Oh, you’re serious?”  Then he would stop.  I feel really upset about how many times I had to feel violent anger in defense of my body.  I don’t want that from sex any more.  I don’t want to be hurt any more.

I don’t know how to screen for sex any more.  I don’t even know what my limits are.  But they aren’t where they used to be.  I’m going to be in pain for a long time.  As hot as the sex was (and ohmyfuckinggod) it’s not worth this much pain.  It’s not worth the cost of admission.  This is going to impact my life for a while.

So, uhh,  after looking at pictures online I can say he leaned a lot too hard on my clavicle and sternum and there is unpleasant bruising on the bone.  Not on the skin.  But touching any part of my chest over there hurts.  It sucks while nursing.  Or cuddling with Shanna.  Once upon a time I viewed such pain as proof of good sex.  I feel like someone ran a cheese grater over my perineum.  Why in the fuck is that erotic?  Once upon a time, for me, that was proof that I had … I don’t know… performed enough to satisfy someone?  If it didn’t hurt I hadn’t worked hard enough.

It doesn’t help that my husband really wishes I could get over my issues and go back to wanting him to beat the shit out of me while raping me.  Our favorite game is for him to hurt me enough that the fucking feels bad and if the fucking starts feeling good… he hurts me more until it can’t feel good again.  The goal is for him to be able to fuck me as long as possible without me enjoying any of it.

And then I go fuck my friend.  You know, I think I’m done.  I’m not a masochist.  I submit to pain because it gives someone pleasure to hurt me.  I think I need to go find a way to make people want to be nice to me.  I’m really really upset about the fact that everyone who loves me seems to want to see me experience more pain.  I feel so angry about the kids hurting me more than usual right now.  They aren’t trying to hurt me.  But my body already hurts and they are always rough with me.

Right now I’m sitting very still and I’ve medicated.  Because I feel angry.  I am so fucking tired of being in fucking pain.  I’m god damn tired of people thinking it is sexy that I feel like shit.  No, I was never in an abusive romantic relationship as an adult.  I didn’t bother.  I went and found the bdsm community and had a Master/slave relationship instead.  It was strangely much more healthy.  He stopped beating me after a while because he could tell I was not enjoying it and I got him into positions where he was supposed to “punish” me instead.  Way more healthy.  So he ended the M/s portion of our life together.  And I never trusted him again because he didn’t want to beat me like that any more.

I don’t think I would have been ok with Noah stopping the night he raped me.  If he had stopped I think I would have held it against him.  That he was weak.  It honestly scares the shit out of me that he knows that.  I think I need to back away from being hurt during sex for a bit.  I think this is a bad space for me.

Why do I feel