Before I move on to editing there are a few things I want to get out. I know that this journal is very focused on my anxiety expression. That’s why it exists. I need an outlet.

I’m actually very good at what I’m doing. I’ve been practicing for a long time. What I am doing is trying to train how they handle conflict and difficulty in life. I believe (based on reading a lot about child development and brain development) that the first seven years of life are when you create your personality. It is when you create the coping methods that will be your defaults for the rest of your life.

I spend my time teaching emotional self-regulation and how to learn. I teach very little directly.

“Hunh. How do you think you would go about learning more about that?”

Youtube is one of the favorite responses these days. I have created monsters.

I schedule anywhere from 1-6 hours per day for the kids. The 1 hour is doing chores. Chores are part of life. Everyone must do them. I know that it is not an “unschooling” attitude and I can live with that. Chores are part of life.

Otherwise they do free play. That’s their life. I don’t schedule when they do stuff. They do art or play dress up or build or cook or whatever. They do a lot of shit. Some of it is joining in with me and some of it is them just deciding to do stuff.

I am teaching my children to walk into places and notice that there is a sink of dishes–offer to help out. Find ways to be useful. Offer to hold the door open for people. Offer to help carry unweildly packages. Notice the people around you and interact with them.

My kids talk to any and every one. They can talk to kids and adults. My kids can walk into almost any playground and find someone to play with. They don’t care if someone looks different. When the kids can’t speak English Shanna plays non-verbal games.

My kids can approach anyone. My kids can go into a wide variety of different environments and look around for cues to tell them what kind of behavior is appropriate. We practice. I take them to antique stores to practice being around delicate things so that when we go to a grown-up house it isn’t a complete shock.

My children are learning to advocate for themselves and they are learning how to wait their turn. Think of bank lines. Shanna has a bank account. She has to deal with going in and waiting patiently through the whole process. We scout in advance. “See how the grown ups are waiting patiently and quietly? If you talk at the person who is working it makes it harder for them to think about their work.” Then wait a day and talk about it. Then Shanna can do whatever it is she needs to do. Like a forkin’ grown up.

At this point I’m fairly used to seeing peoples jaw drop when they hear her. She sounds like a miniature adult. But she really isn’t adult-like. It’s weird. She speaks well. She has an understanding of process. But she is repetitive and juvenile in her topics. That’s totally ok. She’s five. She can’t discuss foreign politics yet. So we talk about My Little Pony instead. Holy crap do I know a lot about that show.

“These are the things you will need to know how to do when you are an adult. Now go fill the rest of your time.”

Shanna is starting to feel insecure about not being able to read. “Will I be able to do ____ if I can’t read?” Some things I read the directions. Some things I tell her to look at the pictures. Some things I tell her, “I guess this is over your head for now. It will still be here when you can read.”

We talk about what things she will need to learn some day. We talk about how math plays into different jobs. We talk about how reading plays into every aspect of modern life. We talk about all the fascinating different kinds of careers in science.

This part of your life is for feeling safe and loved and encouraged to work hard and fail. If you never fail you won’t learn how things really work. Yeah, some things will break. Try to learn how to be careful. Be aware of the people around you. How do you decide who to approach and who to leave alone?

I talk about body language. I talk about how to have boundaries with different parts of your body. Partially I model those behaviors in how I react to my children and partially I talk about how to have them with others.

I put them in a wide variety of circumstances where they can make a wide variety of little mistakes. None of which matter long term. She gets to explore. But she will absolutely be kept safe from predators. I’m standing there watching.

I don’t comment on what I see. I don’t evaluate her “performance”. I ask her, “Did you have fun?” Sometimes I will say, “Did you notice how he was turning his body to try to walk away?” or something similar. But I don’t comment on what she does most of the time. I will say, “So, sometimes when you talk about _____ it makes people think about this big huge thing you aren’t aware of. Let me tell you about it.”

I am doing my best to help her understand that she was born kind of late in the history of a complicated world. There are a lot of big problems in the world. She doesn’t neat the nitty gritty yet but she knows that people have a lot of different life experiences. We look at maps and talk about which countries have been at war recently.

I make a point to find out what people in different countries tend to eat for breakfast. We all are the same when it comes down to it. We eat. We love. We have friendships and romantic relationships and families. We all poop. We all want to feel good more than we feel bad.

Beyond that it’s just kind of a matter of settling on each person’s preferences.

People learn how to be care-taken or they learn how to care-take. I don’t want adult children who expect me to take care of them forever. That is not a dynamic I’m looking for in my old age. I don’t want a codependent companion. I get them for twenty years. I do hope I will be nice enough that they will want to live down the street or something. That would be nice. Shanna keeps telling me I will home school her kids while she works. It sounds more appealing by the year. We’ll see how I feel in 25-30 years.

Time’s up. I should go in.