Yesterday I allowed myself to be sad. Mostly when I feel like that I try to mask it in some way. I pretend I am happier than I am. I’m pretty successful as a liar. To the point where many people who know me will argue with me and tell me it isn’t possible I have GAD or Depression or PTSD because they think they can judge my moods based on my behavior. Not so much.

I was sad. I cried. I moved slowly. I didn’t present a false positive affect. I told the kids I was really sad about my mom, not them and I’m sorry I’m crying. Sometimes when I wake up thinking about my mom it hurts a lot. I wish things could have been different.

My kids were very sweet to me. I didn’t scream once. Shanna made me a trophy out of Lego’s–because I’m the best mom. The not screaming on a dysregulated day thing is pretty awesome.

I’ve told Shanna that I’m scared I will be a bad mom too, because I haven’t seen very many good moms up close. I’m not really sure about a lot of my decisions. She said, “You are nice to us way more than you are mean to us. You are only mean to us when we refuse to cooperate. It’s not my favorite, but mostly you aren’t so bad. I like you a lot.” Then she hugged me. I don’t feel I deserve my children and I worry about the long-term effects of my insecurity. Nothing I can do about it though.

Sometimes when I hear my kids repeat phrases back to me, “It’s not my favorite thing you do but you do it” I feel… kind of mixed. I wonder what I am really teaching them about the world. I am scared that I am teaching them to submit to insanity. Then I listen to what mouthy assholes they can be and I don’t worry about them being overly submissive. It’s a funny balance.

The other day Calli had to go to the bathroom really badly. Shanna tried to block the door and demand a password. Calli didn’t hesitate. She didn’t negotiate. She just leaned forward and bit Shanna’s leg. Shanna moved (while screaming) and Calli darted to the toilet.

I’m not too worried about Calli being overly submissive to authority.

It is pointed out to me that I used to think Shanna would be the homebody and Calli wouldn’t be able to get away from me fast enough and I have switched. More proof that I don’t predict the future well.

Shanna has such an extraordinary need to connect with a lot of people. She arrives at any building, event, park, whatever ready to meet as many people as possible. Calli shows no sign of desperately needing lots of people. She has a few friends and she likes them, but mostly she is hanging out with me. I am starting to wonder if I am confusing developmental stages with personality.

Maybe. Calli has never needed the amount of attention Shanna has needed. Not from the day she was born. Calli would lay on a blanket alone for hours without fuss as an infant. Shanna never fucking did that. Shanna almost made me lose my mind. She had to be in physical contact with me just about 24/7. Noah was a crappy inadequate occasional substitute for a long time. Calli liked him more from when she was tiny. Shanna just has NEEDS. Calli is more self-contained. But I seem to be growing in importance to her.

Yesterday Calli spent a lot of time trying to negotiate her sister being farmed out to another family so that Calli can have her own room and not have to share her parents any more. I told her that she could have her own room without getting rid of her sister but that hasn’t gone well so far. They like sleeping together–do you REALLY think you would like being alone all the time? YES! *snicker* I doubt it.

I finished my second round of editing. Now I need to take the paper copies and edit the computer versions, again. I deleted a lot of fluff. I reorganized. I think I have more of a handle on the shape of the book. Still a lot of work to go. I haven’t done the bibliography yet. (yuck.) I haven’t done the pull out definitions section yet. But it’s plugging along. I have another twelve days. No I don’t. I have ten days. We are going on a camping trip.

I feel spread out, exhausted, and like I’m letting just about everyone and everything down.

I don’t really want to go to the park today. But a family we like tremendously is moving soon and this is one of our last chances to visit. I should suck it up and get off my ass. Even if I have to spend time walking by myself so no one notices the crying.

Tomorrow is an all day trip to Santa Cruz. I originally proposed San Mateo because that’s a shit-ton closer. I was over ruled. Sigh. It is 47 miles from my house to where we are going. That will be an hour drive with traffic. An hour each way. I feel whiny and tired already. This is why I don’t go to SF as much any more. San Mateo would have been only 30 miles. Looking at it today the difference in almost an extra hour of driving round trip feels kind of sad. I can suck it up. I wish driving was less annoying.

I really dread the driving aspect of the cross country trip. That is going to be rough. I don’t know how I will baby myself through that.

I’m officially off smoking till July. I finished everything I had over a week ago and I’m not buying more until my wonderful friend and niece have visited and left. It would be nice for my garage to not smell when they are visiting. Pills, tincture, and edibles it is. I feel continually grateful for California legalizing to the degree it did in time for my adult life. Thank goodness for dispensaries. I feel so much love for the entire dispensary industry these days.

Given how heavily booked we are this week and next week (today is up in the air. There is one other day with nothing scheduled.) I wonder if I should hide in my closet all day. Rest is important too. But tonight I run. Yay running.

I’ll probably go to the park. But not for four hours. Can’t be nice through that today then the beach tomorrow.

I feel sad that the spiffy bathing suit I ordered will be arriving on Thursday. The day after the beach trip. Fuck you too, UPS. It’s sitting in Oakland. Wait, they updated tracking. It is in Sunnyvale now. It will be delivered on Wednesday. Not before I leave for the beach. I’m still whiny. Isn’t the modern era hilarious? THIS THING I ORDERED FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY ISN’T IN MY LAP THE NEXT DAY! WTF!

I’m kidding. Mostly. I got a swim suit that is almost suitable for a nice Amish or Islamic girl. Not that I am one of either religion. Leg covering down to nearly the ankle. An attached modesty skirt. A high neckline shirt with long sleeves. Yay! No more sun screen for meeeeeeee!

I hate sunscreen. I’m also whitey mcwhitey pants. Life is about balance.

It’s ok. I will wear it all summer long at the water park. I can wear my older, less modest Target special bathing suit on Wednesday. I won’t die or nothing.

I told Noah yesterday that I think it is strange that I spend so much time with people but I feel lonely. I spend most of my time having to be very careful what I say and how I say it. I don’t feel comfortable or like *I* am actually wanted. Only a facsimile of me with better manners.

I know that everyone has to “behave”. It’s not like I’m different or special or anything like that. I’m just feeling alienated. Whatever.

Today will be a low screen use day. My arms need some rest. Although I have a lot of work to do. We’ll see how it goes. Mostly I can just do well by staying off the few social network stuff I do. I have limited my streams such that I only get 15 minutes to two hours of new stuff every day. My friends don’t post that much. And I’ve already caught up for the day. I don’t have a good excuse to hope that someone will post something. No hitting reload.

I should hang out with the kids. We’ll swing. Cuddle. It’ll work out.