Right now I’m having big feelings and they are tricky to write about. They involve a lot of people and a lot of situations. Many different parts of my life. Vague-blogging is awesome blogging!

No one needs to meet my needs. They are my problems. I live in a time and a place where my problems are my personal problems.

I think that part of my issue is I don’t feel very respected. In order to be respected you have to be seen. You have to be appreciated. You have to be specifically valued and important.

I don’t matter much. There are no talents or skills or worth I possess that mean enough so that people think it is worthwhile to get to know me in exquisite detail so it is even possible to give me what I want.

I want the kind of awareness that only comes from being with people for hours and days and weeks and months and years. I’ll never get it.

Instead I have to recognize that I am not capable of giving other people what I want from them. So I have no justification for bitching.

Fucking lame.

I don’t see other people in the context of their experiences and their pain. I am not sensitive to their quirks or preferences or needs. I’m not better than any one else.

If I’m not dishing out that kind of respect, how dare I expect it?

I don’t expect it. But I still feel sad. I feel sad that I live in a world where other people will never be known to me such that I can respect them how they deserve.

They will always feel like alien creatures. I will always stand near them and feel afraid that I am doing everything wrong. I will always feel like clearly I am wrong. I am doing it all wrong.

I’m sorry. I don’t know how else to be.