Every so often the internet at my house gets flakey. I just can’t get a consistent connection for days or weeks. Then the problem kind of goes away again for a while. Not sure what is up but a couple of times a year I have a week or so of enraged fury. It’s almost awesome. Only it’s really annoying. First World Problems.

This is going to be a very busy weekend no matter what. I’m still waiting to hear how busy. I’m feeling some feelings about not knowing what will happen yet. I don’t handle indecision very well. When you are scheduling with other people… it can’t always be avoided. Drat.

I will take a moment to reiterate (state for the first time? Can’t remember) how happy I am that I drove up to see Jenny and my niece again before they left the country. My niece warmed up to me much more than she did previously. I think that after the parade of new people I seemed a bit familiar and that bought me some ease. I got a cheerful, eager high five. That was progress.

Some kind person (no clue who) sent my kids some curriculum. It came from Zulily. Thanks, whoever you are oh anonymous benefactor. Shanna likes workbooks. They are Star Wars and everything. And another science kit.

My kids are going to get older and figure out that other people think that science and math are too hard for girls. I hope their response will be to laugh. They both like math and science intuitively. They consider themselves really good at learning both subjects.

Just like they think their bodies are perfect. And they think my body is perfect.

I am deeply grateful every day for the bubble I get to live in.

I don’t remember what Shanna was watching but she kind of jerked her head back and said, “That’s so stupid! This person thinks he can judge (character name) by how he looks. You can never tell what someone is like by looking at them. You have to watch how they act. What a stupid thing to say.”

She says stupid a lot. I try to introduce other words, but whatever. It’s better than when she says “fuck” a lot.

I did something crazy. At the last home school meetup I got the moms to agree to go clubbing. The idea came up vaguely before this but I talked people into a specific date.

The first question is, “Where are we going.” I said, “Well… I’m not taking you to BaGG so I don’t really know where to go. What clubs play Ke$ha?”

That’s as far as we’ve gone with negotiations. I said I would ask some of my more festive friends for recommendations. Hey friends–any recommendations?

I’ve been talking to Noah about my nervousness about travel and monogamy. I am grateful that most of my travel will be well chaperoned by my kids. Relieves my needing to have self control.

I notice I’m looking more now than I did for a long time. Not to pre-kid levels, but pretty gosh darned interested. It is kind of weird to notice and choose to not really look. I feel like I am learning how to be respectful of people. Maybe these are skills I should have developed in junior high. It is a little weird to try this hard to not-sexualize people.

I go through periods where I sexualize everyone (at least in my head) and periods where it doesn’t occur to me. Trying to stifle it is hard and weird. I’m doing it. Sexualizing people uses a lot of bandwidth I don’t have going spare.

Recently I saw some old friends. I played with them a few times in a variety of settings many years ago. It took conscious mental effort not to play through whole scenarios about how things would be different now. That’s kind of weird feeling.

I have always been grateful that I am a female. Erections are really hard to hide. Guys have to have more control over their mental process. No one knows when I’m all slippery.

I think about affirmation and validation. What things make me feel approved of and loved. What things make me feel like it is ok for me to exist?

I have a lot of respect for people who can be good and kind and loving and celibate. I’m not one of them. If I don’t have sex on a regular basis pretty much all of my self-esteem crashes. I become completely hyper-focused on getting sex. I need that boost. That proof that I’m supposed to still be here. I’m good for something.

I kind of wish I had more ambient self esteem, you know?

I only have a handful of friends I have neither played with nor had sex with. That number grows by the year, of course, but most of the people I was close to when I was younger… Yeah. That’s how I proved to me that they liked me. (And I like the play/sex. Don’t get me wrong.)

Occasionally when I run into former lovers they are enthusiastic. The greeting makes me feel good. Even if I don’t particularly want to fuck them again, I like that they remember me as a positive experience. I’m glad I made them feel good about themselves. That was my goal.

Yes, DSH, I can’t make anyone feel anything. I do listen to you.

I like that they have such positive associations with me. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside that they remember me with such fondness. Even when I don’t love them, I love them for that.

I’m grateful that the piece of me I left with them is well treated and loved. Often way more loved than I can provide for myself. Those pieces went to mostly good homes.

Just like I think about my lovers and wish them well and try to mostly speak well of them. There are reasons I went there. I saw some good. I choose to mostly remember the good. I mean, I’m a catty bitch and I can name some complaints too. But I can honestly say positive things about everyone I’ve slept with. (By choice.)

Uhm, sometimes you might have to jog my memory for a bit before I remember who you are talking about. Kind of like with former students. Only I spent way more time with my former students than most of my lovers so it is more amazing that I remember the lovers.

Seriously, some of those people I had way less than four hours of conversation with total. Who the fuck remembers that.

(Ok, I do remember… but sometimes my memory needs a little jogging.)

I think part of the reason I’m getting more sexualized thoughts is I have more time away from the kids. I don’t look at people in the same way when my kids are standing next to me. I am always conscious that I am a role model about how to be an adult. I am god damn appropriate.

And as soon as they are gone, holy crap it is hard to control myself. I don’t know if I get checked out more or if I notice more. Probably a little of each.

I understand the issues between my mother and my sister very differently now. Hyper-sexuality and celibacy are extremes between which we swing. I am not sure I understand how sexuality works in “normal” relationships. Whatever that means. Define normal for me first.

Cause I don’t know. And if it isn’t “normal” does that mean it is necessarily problematic?

Seriously, is it a problem that given different life circumstances I’d be willing to go to bed with just about anyone who asked (and who had permission)? My life circumstances aren’t different. I don’t want my kids learning that. I had the option. I went into a non-monogamous marriage. I went and found someone who was amused by my rapidly climbing numbers. Between when I met Noah and when we got married I slept with somewhere between 70 and 90 people. He didn’t have a problem with that at all.

But we aren’t doing that now. Why not? Because the way you teach children how to be functional adults is to be one in front of them. Constantly pursuing sex limits your ability to be productive or functional in other areas.

If you don’t have kids, you can probably find the time to hunt forever without it being a problem. If you have kids… things change.

I know long-term poly relationships. I’m not talking about them. Clearly that isn’t what I did. I am analyzing my behavior patterns. If you aren’t someone who goes out and picks up 4-8 new sexual partners in a good weekend… you aren’t doing the behaviors I’m complaining about any way.

And if you have a split custody agreement and you only do that when your kids aren’t with you… I’m also not talking about you. Clearly we lead different lives.

I need to judge this. Not because it is absolutely morally wrong, but because I need to consciously decide what I want to teach my kids. What you teach your kids is your business.

I don’t know if my level of sexualizing random people is “normal” but I don’t want to teach my kids to do it the way I was taught to do it. If they grow up and do it, I will shrug. They didn’t learn it from me so whatever.

I need to not teach hyper-sexuality.

This is really important. This is a hill to die on. No, not for everyone… for me.

It’s ok to like sex. I have a sex buddy. He’s awesome. He’s My Favorite. I’ve tried lots and hands down, he’s the best. So life is fine and good and dandy.

If my kids want to have sex with lots of people I will teach them about safety and wish them well. If they want to only have sex with one person in their whole lives I will teach them about safety and wish them well.

I feel like I don’t have a horse in that race beyond controlling what I model.

I can’t change the past. I will never stop being “the kind of person who does that” like I will never stop being queer.

Recently a friend told me that she was a heterosexual. My jaw dropped. I actually said, “What?!”

That was rude and I apologized and she laughed and it was an ok conversation and all.

I am willing to understand that some people in my life are heterosexuals. I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt to many of the people I know.

But I still feel shocked when someone who is kinky and poly isn’t flexible. For me, all of my sexuality is just about completely fluid. I can be attracted to almost anyone. I don’t have categorical dislikes. I have categories I haven’t ventured into much because I don’t have a strong draw but I don’t turn down offers. Didn’t. In the past. Long ago. In a land far far away…

Ahem.

Cool. Plans for the day confirmed.

Today I get to run 3.5 miles. Then I need to go to the grocery store. Then I need to start baking cupcakes. Then some awesome-sauce kids arrive to visit us overnight. While the kids are here I will ice the cupcakes. It’ll be fun.

Tomorrow I get to take my kids to a bake sale. We’ll be there for 4-5 hours. It’ll be festive.

Really, we’ll have fun. Shanna will have so much fun. This is a dream come true for her. She’s trying hard to talk me into making her a sales stand for the yard so she can sell things.

I feel kind of guilty because I haven’t built it yet. I’m tired. Ok, time to go run.