At the end of this December I will be hanging my head in shame as I reveal the extent of how far I fell off plan this year. I can’t bear to tell it before I have to. Oh man.

I feel so grateful that I am now in a position to throw money at my problems and have it actually go well. This is privilege.

I’m feeling scared that I won’t pay the mortgage off as fast as I want. Which means that it will still be paid off early but not as early as I WANTED. I am struggling with this internally.

As my checking account balance sinks… the investment account grows. Holy crap. Am I feeling “ok” about spending money on these things because I know it is kind of covered by invisible money somewhere else? Don’t fall into that trap, Krissy.

I’m fixing things on the house. I’m paying for help in that process. I’m moving forward on book stuff. I’m buying equipment we will need for the cross country trip. I’m not blowing money. I’m not being impulsive. I’m not wasting money. Although we have been eating out too much. Bleh.

Well, for my birthday I will be going to the $15/night place and bringing camping food from home. That’ll be good enough. I just want to not be near people.

I need to have a birthday entirely free of expectations of people. I am not asking for things. I am not organizing a party and asking people to prove they love me by showing up. I don’t want to feel like I have to perform happy in order to earn affection this year. If I want to lie in the fetal position and cry all day… I won’t be disappointing anyone.

I spend so much time and energy feeling terrified of disappointing the people I love. I stop talking to them rather than risk disappointing them.

I’m ready for a stay at home phase. Summer is ending. Thank goodness.