My mother told me: “In every relationship where people love one another, there is always one person who is more in love than the other. You never want to be more in love because you surrender your power.”
This is seriously weighing on my mind as I think about the people in my life. I was told that I have stopped talking about the boys in my life, but people (who are local) know I am dating Noah and so there is a lot of speculation about where my relationship with him is going. I don’t know. It is getting more serious. With every date, every week that goes by, I like him more and more. He makes me happy and is rather singularly devoted to making me happy. Go figure. I think more and more that he is a keeper. This has meant sacrificing a bit of more casual attention in order to give him time. He has actually asked me to give him time over other people. I thought that was significant. I have done so happily. Things are going very well. Although I worry a bit about my general tendency to settle into serial monogamy. I only slept with Tom for a long time. When I started doing poly stuff, I pretty much only slept with Anthony for a few months. When I stopped sleeping with Anthony there was down time before I started sleeping with Noah. I haven’t slept with anyone new since I have been sleeping with Noah. Tom is my once a month hook-up. oy. (He has managed twice this month! Yay!)
I told Ricky that I will not be pursuing him as any sort of a partner because he is terrible for my self-esteem. Now if he wasn’t such an absolutely amazing kisser I could avoid him at parties as well. *sigh* I don’t think I am going to get over this boy terribly easily or quickly. Damnit.
This weekend has resulted in my being asked out by three new people. Oy. Uhm… June… talk to me in June… I leave in 10 days. I am spending 5 of those days with Tom. I think that is the most optimal way for me to spend my time. 🙂
“In every relationship where people love one another, there is always one person who is more in love than the other. You never want to be more in love because you surrender your power.“
That strikes me as a very sad way to see a relationship – it implies an underlying lack of trust, in that not wanting to surrender power suggests that you can’t trust that you won’t be abused or taken advantage of as a result.
To me, true happiness resides in not having to worry about protecting myself – knowing that my partner would never knowingly abuse my trust.
It isn’t about believing that someone would knowingly abuse your trust. It is about having more strength, which is something I really understand. Strength that if the situation doesn’t work out you will be just fine. I have been more in love before and I felt absolutely devasted when they walked away from me. It is scary and vulnerable. If I maintain more distance then I have more control over the whole situation, including myself.
I don’t know that one needs to have MORE strength that the other to have the strength to carry on – AND I don’t know that being MORE in love was the defining point of them walking away – the walking away was the problem.