On Friday before we left for the airport I humbled my pride and told Tom that I would really like to do some D/s this weekend. It was incredibly hard for me to do. I let him know that I took the request very seriously and it was a big thing for me to ask. Thunder is kind of anniveraries of noted changes in and around our D/s-M/s relationship. We wrote and signed our first contract just before my first Thunder. We ended our M/s just before last years Thunder. Anyway, needless to say… yeah. I technically have a collar on, one that is supposed to lock… but there is no lock. And nothing has been done. Not that I have been waiting and hoping and feeling really upset about his inaction or anything.

The play party Friday night went well though. We played side by side with Max and Amy and that was way fun. I have been getting along with Amy generally really well all weekend and that has rocked all. This friendship has grown very slowly over the years. It is only been in the last year that I would actually say we have kind of been friends. Before that, she was the girlfriend of Tom’s best friend. I didn’t feel actually connected to her or really even to Max. I’m really glad things have gotten closer with them. That has been such a high.

Yesterday during the Kicking, Punching and Take-downs class I was a demo bottom. Holy shit are the bruises impressive. I was mildly miffed that the instructor was making fun of me because I was reacting and making noise when “he was barely hitting me.” I really really really hate feeling like this stuff is a competition and right there, right then I totally felt like I was told this was indeed a competition and I am in last place. Great. Then the instructor tried to be funny and told me that I broke a rule (I touched him) and all of a sudden I freaked out and had a really hard time not bursting into uncontrollable tears. Essentially he told me that I am a bad girl. I felt so awful it is just ridiculous. I tried to keep control though and I think I managed to maintain some dignity. Well, as much dignity as anyone can have while dressed as Snow White.

Later that night I played with Max while Tom played with Amy. Both scenes went really well and were loads of fun. Then wonderful delightful Malixe was commenting on how he hadn’t found anyone to play with and he was very sad that he was not going to play at his first Thunder. Me being the kind giving soul that I am, I offered up my virgin (for this event anyway) ass. The rest of me hurt too much to touch. A lovely single-tailing ensued with great marks to show for it. Yay fun.

After the scene and we headed out of the play area Tom and I had some annoying issues around trying to get something to eat because I was way hungry and tired and grouchy. *grrrr* Eventually that sorted itself out and we ate and slept. yay.

Today was fine until about 2:00. Then we went over to the vendor fair for my first time this trip. (Usually it is one of the first things to visit!) The fair closes at 4, so it was time to go or not see it at all. I found this dress. No, a gown. Of black leather. It is easily one of the most amazing fetish pieces I have ever seen. I wanted it. It was $600. I can’t afford that right now. I resigned myself to not having it. We wandered around and were social for a little longer. Round about 2:45 Tom and I were sitting on a bench and I had this impulse. I asked Tom if he would buy it for me. This is a big fucking deal. Later I tried to remember if I have ever asked Tom for anything before in our relationship. I don’t think I have. I have never of my own volition brought something up that I wanted and asked him to buy it for me. Yes, he has bought things for me because he initiated the action–I don’t deny that. But I have never asked for something. We went upstairs and looked at the website and his checking account and he told me he couldn’t buy it for me. He has every right in the world to turn me down. I am not angry at him at all. I am feeling lots of bad emotions anyway. I feel ashamed that I humbled my pride and asked for something. I cannot recall the last time I asked someone for anything. I do not fucking ask for anything. I buy my own damn shit or I don’t need it. I feel extremely let down that I hoped for something and am not going to get it. I try like hell not to get my hopes up about anything. I feel so so so so horrible. The shame and disappointment are competing in my head trying to decide which is shittier.

I’m skipping the last class. I’m not sure I have any interest in going to the last play party tonight. I may call the organizers and tell them to give my ticket to someone on the waiting list and sit in my room and cry. I want to go back to the fucking vendor fair and buy another fucking scalpel is what I want to do. I feel so childish and stupid and petty that as soon as I get my feelings hurt I want to cut. I don’t know if I would be ‘punishing’ me or Tom. It would make him feel like shit so I won’t do it.

But I want to.