I’m feeling a lot of things right now. I’m very confused. But, one part of it that sucks is the word drama. I really hate feeling dramatic and just in the process of dealing with my shit I feel like I’m being dramatic. So I’m trying like hell to stifle all the stuff going on in my head and I’m ending up feeling like shit. I want so much and there is so much I need. I don’t know how to go about getting any of it right now.
I’m not actually trying to cut sex out of my life and I’m very sorry it seems to be the impression people have. Ok, so I don’t feel that comfortable having sex inTom’s house. I have never felt very comfortable about sex in his space. It doesn’t mean that my libido went to sleep. I’ve been feeling guilty about the fact that my libido is still very much present though. I really don’t want to find a new partner right now because I’m worried about the emotional dynamics of getting involved with someone when I am so completely vulnerable, but my body is letting me know that YES I still really want sex. I’ve been doing stupid push/pull things with people I am already involved with though that seems to be cutting off what sources I have. [insert picture of me beating my head against a wall here.] The threesome I was supposed to have this weekend didn’t happen. By the end of the night I felt really shitty because it didn’t. I found out that one of the people involved thought I wasn’t in the mood, so no one asked. Uhm, thanks for your concern I guess. I’ll just go sit in the rejected corner. *sigh* Although the girl under the sheet helped with the feeling rejected bit. Hell, even writing this feels like I’m being passive aggressive because more than one person I sleep with will read it, but that isn’t the point. I’m just sad. I’m frustrated. I’m really feeling like I’m not doing anything right at this point.
I know that part of what is hurting so bad is that I have been shutting down emotional connections. I am trying really hard to create more space between Tom and I and it is ripping me to pieces. I love him so much, and I have loved him so long that I feel like I’m ripping out pieces of myself. Yeah, as it has been stated elsewhere- moving out before January might be a smarter idea. Staying here is going to kill me. I’ve created more space between myself and Noah as well because I’ve been very worried/conscious of leaning too heavily on him in a way that might interfere with other things in his life. So I find myself missing not only my primary, but my secondary as well. I really feel like a dumb girl.
Tom and I have started having a conversation about Daddy. I don’t know if that part of the relationship is going to go away as well or what. I just know that I’m feeling very lonely right now. I want comforting and I don’t know who/how to ask for it. Hell, hey Rachel? Want someone to sleep over?
In the pit of my stomach is this big knot of fear. I know that is most of what it is. I’m afraid. I can’t fully articulate what it is that I’m afraid of. I’m having very mixed feelings about so much of myself. I worry that I am poised to change big chunks of myself out of fear rather than a desire to really change them. Will I ever find the kind of relationship I want (settled, have kids) if I am such a slut? You know, sex parties really might be a bad hunting ground. Parties centering around poly networking may not be the best hunting ground. Yet, that is where most of my attention seems to be these days. Well, sort of. Then there are dance people. But I’m slightly more reserved at dance events. It takes a while before I tell individuals what I do with my extra time. I don’t want to be seen as too out there. The people who know, know. But I am trying to not let things be completely open. I’m not sure if it is working. *sigh*
I want to be fucked. I want to be held. I want to believe everything is going to be alright.
Wow, 0 out of 3. This sucks.
Hey you – are you working/schooling right now? I’m on vacation this week and I think you should drive over to Berkeley and hang out with me & Bean. I can introduce you to a little boy who never stops laughing, if you like. And other things are negotiable.
(And btw: total mom comment here, but are you getting regular meals of real food? It really does affect your mood, you know. At least, it does mine.)
I am schooling right now and the week is way toast already. I can’t get to Berkeley this week.
I’m not eating well. I know it is bad. I’m eating a well-rounded salad right now.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
You should have made it to the LM last night, we could have made it at least 1 out of 3.
And everything is going to be all right, really.
I forgot. I meant to go.
{hugs}
We’ll always have Wednesday. 🙂
And I managed to keep the night clear in my schedule. I’m looking forward to it.
Will I ever find the kind of relationship I want (settled, have kids) if I am such a slut? You know, sex parties really might be a bad hunting ground. Parties centering around poly networking may not be the best hunting ground.
Those may not the best hunting grounds, but you have to look at all of what you want, and also look at what you want in the long term versus what you want now. It’s perfectly ok to say “I want to have a nice, settled marriage with kids, but I’m not going to be ready for it for a while, so I’m going to be a slut and enjoy that for a while first.” Lots of women do that, and many even consciously decide that’s what they want. It’s also ok to say “I want a settled, stable marriage with kids; and be able to go to sex parties and kink parties once in a while.”
“I want a settled, stable marriage with kids; and be able to go to sex parties and kink parties once in a while.”
I’m currently seriously struggling with that one……don’t know where I’m going to land.
what said. A lot. I know that in the past I was headed towards a monogamous marriage thing. Then I freaked out and broke up with him and did the slut thing for about 3 years. In the past couple of years I am kindof calming down and heading back to equilibrium. I don’t regret doing the slut thing – I learned a LOT about myself during it. I don’t think I wasted those 3 years. And I don’t feel like I’m behind because of them. Hell, I’m STILL not ready to settle down and do the marriage and kids thing. I feel like there’s still plenty of time to decide whether I want to do that in the next few years. I’m not even gonna let myself think I’m getting too old for it until I’m at least as old as my mom was when I was born – 33.
Huggs pretty lady
I don’t think you’re being dramatic at all. In fact, just the oposite. These things hurt. Life can’t always just go on like nothing happened. But you’re way stronger than letting it last too long. Kudos for asking for help. We all love you lots, even those of us only recently introduced to your world.
“I really hate feeling dramatic and just in the process of dealing with my shit I feel like I’m being dramatic. So I’m trying like hell to stifle all the stuff going on in my head and I’m ending up feeling like shit.”
OK, so … one of the things I talk about in the class I did at SFCitadel has to do with what emotions are — energy. Biochemical energy. And the ‘rational’ part of the brain sometimes feels like the emotional part of the brain is too messy and tries to ‘stuff’ feelings by putting a lid on them. Guess what? That doesn’t stop ’em from happening. The biochemical responses *still* keep happening, whether the ‘Rational You’ admits it, or not. And if that energy’s not dealt with when it happens, it’ll be dealt with when it breaks loose in what can sometimes be inappropriate, inconvenient or unexpected moments. *That* can create drama.
Contrary to popular belief, it *is* possible to be emotional without drama. Find the people who love you who are comfortable with ‘going there’ with you at those emotional levels (see my post on emotional limits), and talk your stuff through with them at times that work for both of you. That’s not drama. That’s you taking care of you in a healthy way, and them loving you in a healthy way.
The way I’ve always put it is that you don’t get to choose your emotions, only how you deal with ’em. If you can ask yourself things like, “Why do I feel this way, and what can I do about it? Can I either make the most of my current self, or retrain my reactions into a more useful pattern?” then you can get through rocky emotional times without generating too much drama for yourself and those around you.
Also, a certain amount of interior, or even shared, “storytelling” can be useful — crafting a description of what’s going on in a way that puts you on an invented path to something better can act as a self-fulfilling prophecy. To some degree, we choose what reality we’re living in. If you think things aren’t going to get better, they probably won’t — and vice versa.
*hugs* in any case, and I’ll note for the record that at least based on LJ stuff, I don’t think you’re being a drama-queen or anything like that.
Will I ever find the kind of relationship I want (settled, have kids) if I am such a slut?
Hi, I’m Example A. Nice to meet you. 😉
Don’t freak about the future now. If you need sex, have sex. If you need to lean on people, lean on them–just be sure to spread it around so you’re not dumping it all in one spot.
Things will be well. They will, really. And yes, I think you can have a settled, stable relationship with children and still go to parties. I know people who do, both polyamorously and monogamously.
It’s like the time that someone asked Mark Twain if he believed in infant baptism. (there was a time when that was a Hot Issue.) He replied, “Believe in it? Hell, I’ve seen it done!”