First:
It went so well. I was so happy with how everyone got along! James drove Raven, Noah, and me up to Sonoma. There was a wee bit of a kerflunkle around timing with everyone arriving, but it was ok. Unfortunately, James came from a less than exciting meeting elsewhere so he wasn’t quite as bouncy happy as he could have been, but it was ok. I finally got to see his shy side. Frankly, so far I haven’t believed that it existed. Oh my goodness! He is shy! It is so damn cute.

The conversation on the way up was fun and interesting. We watched the eclipse through the car windows. 🙂 I think we made baby-steps towards knowing one another. I need to figure out how to get the core group together more.

Dad liked everyone. He later raved about everyone. 🙂 I was happy. Dad did ask, “What are your intentions towards my daughter” which amused me to no end. Noah and Raven both had excellent answers but James was never really given space to answer and that felt a little awkward from my perspective. He said he was really interested in Raven and Noah’s explanation of how they view poly families. That was cool. James was very surprised at one point because Dad asked, “So is Noah your weekday boyfriend and James is your weekend boyfriend?” and I said they weren’t limited to weekend/weekday things like that. James thought I was just going to say he wasn’t a boyfriend. Heh. I guess I missed my chance to deny it. I guess he is a boyfriend then. One month. Damn it still feels so sudden. But really nice. The drive home was interesting. It felt a little bit like there were some awkward spaces and I didn’t know how to connect some things. Overall, a very very good experience.

And we have some relationship babble coming as well:
This part may be hard for the boys to read about, but you both want in on this filter. So don’t take any of it as complaining. Just me processing.
Things have been up and down and all over the place lately. Way too many emotions going on. This is resembling drama and I feel myself developing hives because of that. I’m feeling extremely conflicted with being pulled between two different people with different generic relationship goals. Noah is mostly in the “poly family” sort of camp and that is good for me in so many ways. I like so many things about it; not the least of which is the idea of having Raven in my life more. There are big chunks of it that freak me out as well. There is the whole kids thing. I have mixed feelings about having kids in a poly family situation. I can see many positive aspects and I can see many negative aspects. Given that the other hugely significant person in the family that is starting is really not into kids, I feel even more nervous. I will never be ok with shoving my desire for kids down someone’s throat and I feel very sad when I think about her having to sacrifice her adult independence because she loves us enough to tolerate us having kids. That kind of sucks. Much to think about there. I’m working on not thinking about myself as the “other” girlfriend since it has been explained so well why that phrase is offensive to both of them. Lots to process.
Mixed in with my relationship with Noah in general is how insecure he has been feeling lately. It hasn’t been fun to be on the back burner because of school in general and since I have been dividing what little time I have between him and James recently he has been feeling under-appreciated and that is more than reasonable. He has been really worried that I would leave him, that I have found something “better.” What a silly boy. psh. Leave Noah. *scoff* Maybe someday, who knows. I didn’t think I would leave Tom, but it is soooooooooooooo far off in the distant future that I can’t see it. Which makes it probably a few years away at the least. I’m trying to find ways to show him this and convince him of my sincere interest in staying with him. I’m also trying to find time to have more sex with him. It has been a crappy couple of weeks schedule-wise and we have not spent enough quality time fucking. This must be rectified. All in, there is stuff that has been rocky lately; we are trying to find a balance though. I think it is worth the effort. Though, this topping thing is still funky for me. I’m having a bloody hard time being more experienced than the top. I don’t know how to wrap my brain around it. I need to do more thinking/processing about it.

Then there is that other relationship. The one that is somehow a conflict because the person is mostly interested in a two person couplehood that allows for sex/flings with people outside the primary couple. [Edit: James doesn’t like me thinking about the other relationships as just flings. In my estimation and vocabulary what he describes is pretty much “friends with occasional benefits” so that might be a valid counter-point to acknowledge. Which is different than just flings. Ok, I typed hastily.]Wow. Could this be any less compatible with my other relationship?! No. It couldn’t be. So I’m walking an interesting line. I’m absolutely, completely and totally unwilling to even entertain the notion of not staying with Noah and I am equally unhappy with the idea of demoting him. So yeah. Despite James’ initial impulses towards couplehood, he was really intrigued by Raven’s description of family. I have been talking to him about all sorts of things he had never really considered before. It isn’t that he is against poly families, he has never thought about it before. He isn’t against D/s as a more full-time thing, he just hasn’t thought about it. And I need to start considering that when I am pushing away when he expresses surprise/disinterest in something that is majorly important to me. He is so new to all of this stuff that he doesn’t know what he wants. It is so hard for me to be patient and remember what is was like waaaaay back when I was just starting to explore these concepts. It has all been part of me so long that I can barely remember it not being there. Once again, I suck at being the experienced one. I’m trying to figure it out though. Muddling through.
Have I mentioned that he is just a nifty person in general and I really look forward to spending more time with him? His energy just rocks. Of course, he has his major draw-backs. He is a father. Which is a very scary thing to me. It means that I have to be very careful about meeting his son. Am I sure I am going to be involved with him for a fairly significant period of time? Even if I don’t stay involved with him, am I willing to remain involved with his son if his son wants me to? I take children very very seriously. I am still trying to figure this one out. I was hurt by people who came and went in my mother’s life. I don’t want to do that to a child. (This makes me want to write a thesis about how divorce has changed dating and dating impulses and to wonder how children of divorced parents view divorce and being involved with kids and…) Anyway. I digress. And I will confess that I am more aware of the age gap than I usually am. More than 15 years is a big freakin gap. Not insurmountable, but wow. I’m thinking about it. I really really like him though. I like how I feel when I am with him. I like how he talks to me and with me. I even like that I am the more talkative person in the relationship. *grin* It is almost a novelty! *giggle*

So yeah. Relationships are happening. They have met Dad and one another. There is potential funkiness in them, but it is being handled. NO DRAMA. Damnit. Yes, we all have emotions and they are very odd things. We can do our best to handle them though.

Breathe.