Daddy,
Why did you hurt me? I don’t want to believe that I deserved it. But I must have or you wouldn’t have done it. Daddy’s don’t hurt their little girls, do they? Was I bad? What did I do wrong? How can I make it better Daddy? I promise I’ll be good. You will never have to yell at me or get mad at me again. Just don’t hurt me. I want you to love me.
I’m a big girl now Daddy, but you are still hurting me. You aren’t even here anymore and you hurt me. You hurt me inside my head. I can’t sleep Daddy. I haven’t been sleeping much at all lately. You are there when I close my eyes Daddy. Sometimes I want to think about you when I touch myself and it doesn’t scare me. But I haven’t been doing that lately because I get so scared inside when you are in my head like that. I feel like I am a dirty and disgusting person. I shouldn’t have liked it when you touched me there. I am just as horrible and awful as you said. It is a good thing you are gone Daddy. If you put the gun to my head now and asked me if I deserve to live I would have to tell you no.
There’s this boy Daddy. I think I’m in love with him. I’m afraid to love him though. I’m afraid to let him get close to me because if he gets close he will see how worthless I am. I don’t deserve to have someone as awesome as he is love me.
Daddy you left me. Why did you leave me? Would you have ever loved me? Would you have ever told me that you were sorry? I want to believe that you wouldn’t have hated me forever, but I don’t. I think that you hated me to the very last breath you took and that means that I hate me too.
Hugging you really hard right now.
Oh, sweetheart.
Sweetie, I am so sorry that you are hurting. I know how you feel. The shame and feelings of worthlessness. The fear of trusting another, of being so close to someone. Feeling like you will never get there. But you will. Realizing emotionally that it wasn’t your fault. That you deserved none of it. That you are a lovable, worthy person…
I too, am on this journey. It is not one we asked for. Not one we want in particular. But it’s one worth taking, I believe. Getting back what once was ours. The ability to trust. The ability to love yourself. You’ll get there, girl. I just know it…
Daughters, John Mayer
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
and she’s just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I’ve done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hand
Now I’m starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me
Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
Ooh, you see that skin
It’s the same she’s been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she’s left cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
Boys you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong and boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from a woman’s good, good heart
On behalf of every man, looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
I think that being a parent is the most important job in the world, and the biggest responsibility a person can ever undertake. Personally, I think it is a pity that we must pass a test to get our driver’s license, or to cut hair, or to sell real estate, but don’t need to pass one in order to procreate.
Children are profoundly impacted by the choices of their parents. It sounds like your father forfeited all right to your soul by his actions, but I know that the human psyche is never quite so logical and straightforward. I could speak all the right words of comfort, but until you are able to absorb the truth of them into your soul they wouldn’t do much good. Logic and emotion rarely go hand in hand.
Ultimately, I have nothing to offer you except the promise that I protect my own children, and those I come into contact with.
You are not horrible. You are not awful. You did nothing wrong. And it was not your fault.
Children need to trust adults, especially their parents. Adults should protect children. Adults should protect children from exactly this kind of hurt. Adults who hurt children like this are horribly, awfully, sick.
It doesn’t matter whether you liked it. It was still wrong for him to do. His job as parent was to protect you from hurt like this.
You are a beautiful human being. You deserve love. You are lovable. You are loved.
I’m not your daddy, but I believe that underneath your defenses and fears, if you could see yourself in a mirror you’d see a compassionate and pure and lovely and bright woman, who fully deserves that boy’s love.
And congratulations on being able to have insights, and dare to express them.
((hugs))
{{{{BIG HUG}}}}
I hope you’re feeling better this morning.
*hug*
This stuff is hard, hard, hard. I’m happy to be there for you in any way that I can. I know my support team was invaluable for me.
As much as parents are supposed to love and protect their children, sometimes, they don’t. And it takes a long time to heal from that.
Oh sweetie. Unfortunately Daddy’s are just people. They can do hurtful things. Your Daddy did hurtful things to you because he hated *himself*. He wasn’t capable of loving you the way you deserve. It was never your fault. And most important of all, you’re a big girl now. You can say no to him. You can’t change anything that happened in the past, but you can say no, and not let him hurt you any more. You are an incredible, beautiful person. You deserve to live, and to love. Let yourself be loved.
I love you.
I love you, honey.
I don’t even know you very well, and I love you.
I know, and i know you know, that sometimes our daddies are mentally messed up.
Mine drank hisself to death. Half the time I can’t listen to Moxy Fruvous “And the band played on” with out weeping till my eyes are full, cos the guy in it drinks till he passes out and dies…
Parents that hurt their children are selfish bastiches. Thing is, they’re usually hurting so bad that they can’t even realize they’re hurting _us_. Or sometimes, can’t or don’t care.
And we get to deal with the aftermath in smashed up or twisted, warped little lives.
If your dad had been willing, if MY dad had been willing, to honestly look at his own actions and the effects they were having – well, maybe things would have been different. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much now to think about him, maybe he’d have lived to see his grandkids, maybe I wouldn’t be afraid of becoming an alcoholic myself, maybe maybe maybe.
I wish there was a way to reassure you, to tell you till you believed it that you are incredibly lovely and lovable and worthwhile… Only way I know of is to go ahead and risk that loving of somebody. It is the most worthwhile thing I can think of.
But, while loving him and others, remember to keep hold of yourself.
Listen, I have a gift for you sometime, when I get a chance. I’m planning to be at plough last monday of this month, during my spring break. Maybe see you there?
*hugs*
From the perspective of a parent–none of our neuroses or weirdness or bad choices are in any way caused by our kids. Ever. Our children don’t make us do bad things or make us bad people. An adult who puts a gun to a child’s head or rapes her (or him) is not doing that because of anything the child has done or could do. That’s an ugly, destructive lie told by somebody who wants to cause more hurt or who needs to justify their evil actions to themselves.
You could have been an angel reincarnated on Earth and it would not have stopped your father. If he hated you, it was probably because he knew that someday you would grow up and see him not as all-powerful, all-knowing Daddy, but as the small, twisted thing he really was. Evil people who gain pleasure from hurting defenseless children get very, very angry when their victims get away from them.
You have never been and will never be worthless. You are wonderful. You are very good girl. All the terrible things you feel, that’s his badness he put onto you. Not yours. You don’t need to carry it.