Negotiating is hard.

Puppy and I talked this morning about limits with other people. After about half an hour he just wanted the conversation to end. I am starting to feel kind of bad for bringing up so many options of things to do with people that he has never even thought of.

Sexual limits with girls: everything is fine except them using a strap-on to fuck me in the ‘boy’ method. He wants that method of sex to be special to him. Yes, using the dildo by hand is fine.

Sexual limits with boys: nothing exists below my belly button. And I’m not supposed to touch anyone else “down there” either. Ok, maybe feet. But not knees or calves. Except in very specific cases of massage and those he should know about in advance. *sigh*

He wants to talk to people before I play with them, just to get a feel for them. Then he wants to talk to me privately about it. All negotiating after that is done with me.

He doesn’t seem to want to put restrictions on what kind of play I am allowed to do, but he is also really easy to upset in thinking about it. 🙁 I talked about things like D/s, humiliation, significant pain, aftercare stuff… He doesn’t want to disallow anything, but it is really obviously hurting him to just think about it happening. It might be easier if he just said no.

I really get the impression that we will both be happier if I just don’t play with other people.

13 thoughts on “Negotiating is hard.

  1. tenacious_snail

    *hug*

    It sounds like a different version of what I’ve been challenged by in negotiations…While my negotiations have had a slightly different twist– its been more about advance notification versus subsequent disclosure– I think some of the basics are the same. I think some of it is that you and I are both people who have a broad array of sexual practices and that we’re interested in and comfortable with having sex with people of a range of genders.

    One of the things that was helpful for me was to divide things into emotional risk categories and safer sex risk issues. Toys don’t carry STD risks (assuming they are cleaned/not shared/covered), but the emotional stuff is still there. Herpes or HPV can be transmitted through things things that I don’t think of as “sex”, and that wouldn’t cause the risk of emotional involvement that comes with sexual partnering for me.

    But it *does* get tedious to go through a list of every orifice and every way to stimulate it, and to figure out what feels safe versus what feels risky. I can imagine, for instance, that I might feel comfortable having a close friend put on a glove and show them how to find my G spot and explain female ejaculation, but that I might not want to make out with them. Context, context, context.

    Reply
  2. boymeat

    I’ll be honest here, proving an external viewpoint. When I was in San Francisco, I did get the feel that he wanted to be very much in control, and didn’t really want me involved.

    Reply
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      *nod*

      I know. It was really weird and I felt bad for putting you in the middle of it. I didn’t know he would be as possessive as he ended up being.

      Reply
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      That makes sense in some ways, but not in others. This is not a boy who wants to work towards poly. At all. I really don’t think three months is going to make a difference.

      Reply
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      I don’t think it is a red flag if I know what I am getting myself into from the get go.

      I signed on for monogamy. Now we are figuring out exactly what flavor that monogamy is going to be. I think that given that I signed on for monogamy I don’t get to be pissy about the limits that are pretty reasonable for monogamy.

      Reply
      1. whipsnkisses

        I assumed that bdsm play was a larger part of your life then what your next post indicates, but it sounds like those boundaries might be fine for you. In which case, carry on and I’ll fold up my red flag.

        Reply
        1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

          🙂 I am really conservative about who I bottom to. When I play I like to play really hard. That means that I need to play with people who have quite a bit of experience and I haven’t managed an ongoing relationship with someone who wants to play how I want to play. And I’m an impatient whiney bitch about light play. It bores me. (Catty, but true.) It is part of why I am not a great person for people to learn on. I’m too impatient.

          I am mostly into D/s. I have trouble with pure sm. I need D/s in it. But D/s casually doesn’t work very well. Most of my experimenting in the last year with more casual play has been difficult for me emotionally and that is why I think I am ok with stopping it on request.

          Historically, bdsm was a huge part of my life. But then my owner ended our M/s relationship and things petered out slowly and I haven’t really found it’s place in my life again yet…

          Reply
  3. ex_loren_q

    “I really get the impression that we will both be happier if I just don’t play with other people.”

    If the impression is that *both* of you will be happier, then go with that.

    Personally, I’m a bit wary, but that’s me-I like knowing I can tease, flirt and have that occasionally end in play.

    But then, I don’t know enough about what you want, what he offers and vice versa. I just want *you* to be happy (and happy with your decisions) you deserve that.

    Reply

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