I’m pretty sure that my rage around food issues is just my abandonment issues writ large. This is my continued fury and sorrow and rage that my mother didn’t take care of me. It is a lot easier to blame people who are in my life now than it is to look at the fact that I am still mourning that I did not have anyone to care for me when I was a child.
I’ve had chronic diarrhea all my life. Why didn’t my mom ever say anything to me? Did she just not know? I don’t know.
But this anger isn’t about the people in my life right now. I really hope it doesn’t sound like I’m actually saying that people who know me now are to blame for my issues.
This sounds really hard. I’m sorry.
I come across this with my own mom stuff. Looking backward (we are no contact and I have no intent to change that) I see that she really was not knowledgable about a lot of things that I consider basic parenting, or How To Be. And I can guess why and hypothesize and wonder and ponder. And I can give her credit for being better than -her- parents were (I met them.)
And that’s all true, but yeah. I still grieve for the little kid who didn’t get parented. And I feel anger that she didn’t go out and -learn- this stuff. I look around at the parents I know, and many of them had to learn and work super hard to get to the level of understanding and knowledge they have. And I hit this… why couldn’t they bother… point?
I wish I had an answer or something that would make it less painful.
Maybe this is not a good time to try an elimination diet? Are there other ways you could track down the trends for food (and stress) combinations that make you sick? I worry that an elimination diet would add a huge additional stress for you right now.
I have tried doing less intensive versions of tracking food with no success. Doctors said “Not enough data or specificity.” I either have to do the full thing or I don’t have a useful starting place.
Crap. That’s going to be really difficult. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. It sucks to have to live with this kind of pain. I don’t know what the answer is but would an app on your device help you with an elimination diet? There are three here to look at:
http://appcrawlr.com/ios-apps/best-apps-elimination-diet
Thanks 🙂