Recently a friend told me that what he liked about me was that he is confident if he ever crossed one of my boundaries or did something inappropriate that I would tell him… wouldn’t I?
In all honesty I had to tell him probably not. It would depend on what boundary he crossed and how I was feeling at that particular time–I would almost certainly just keep my mouth shut and take it. For me it largely depends on how close I am to the person. The more I love them and think highly of them, the less likely I am to tell them that they have hurt me. This causes issues. I have no trouble telling a stranger or someone I am not close to that their behavior isn’t ok–I take it considerably too far on a regular basis even, I wonder if I push so hard with them because I don’t stop a lot of things that I would like to and the wanting builds up.
Sometimes I later think about/write about my own frustration with myself for not stopping something and the person in question takes my navel gazing as a rebuke towards them. It isn’t. No one should “just know” where my comfort levels are, it is my job to enforce my boundaries and I don’t. And it is harder and harder the more I love the person.
I don’t really know how to feel more safe about telling people to stop. I have been enforcing Puppy’s boundaries for my behavior and that isn’t hard for me to do–because there is someone else who is “important” and I need to not do something bad because of his feelings. My feelings just seem to rank at the very bottom. I really wish I could work on this more, but I don’t know how. Either I completely shut someone down and I am a bitch and I probably hurt their feelings, or I just put up with almost anything. 🙁
Yeah, my boundaries still suck.
I’m a little concerned to write these things, because I want to be helpful, not harmful. Here goes:
Either I completely shut someone down and I am a bitch and I probably hurt their feelings, or I just put up with almost anything.
If people are hurt by you stating your boundaries, that’s their emotions, not yours. Everyone is responsible for their own feelings. To be responsible for someone else’s feelings is emotional slavery, either for you or them. Friends try not to hit friends’ buttons (possibly such as “Get the fuck away from me!”), but they are their buttons, and you need to take care of yourself, for your sake and theirs.
You seem like you would choose the intelligent and caring sort to love. Even if they’re sad when you do it, I think people would still love you if you hold your boundaries. The sadness is their choice, and you can be sad and in love at the same time. If they don’t still love you, they may not be the right kind of people anyway.
Are your boundaries where you want them to be? What needs are these boundaries serving? Do they need to be the same for people you’re deeply into as opposed to flirts?
I don’t really know how to feel more safe about telling people to stop.
There may be a place that the right partner and/or friends can play in helping
you to feel more safe saying “no.” There is, to me, something realy comforting, to
me, about a friend, lover or partner who responds comfortably and well to
“no”, who encourages it. I suspect you’ve found someone in Puppy who
would respond with caring and affection to your boundary-setting, and I
suspect the same of many of your friends as well, and if you want I can
name some people I think would do well with that. Trying to focus on those
responses when you find them, seeing in them that they put value on your
boundaries, may be empowering.
I have been enforcing Puppy’s boundaries for my behavior and that isn’t hard for me to do–because there is someone else who is “important” and I need to not do something bad because of his feelings. My feelings just seem to rank at the very bottom. I really wish I could work on this more, but I don’t know how.
Well, I personally think it’s axiomatic that your feelings are important,
but … I do have another approach you might try
if you’re having trouble with the “your feelings are important” axiom.
You have found that it’s important to you to maintain your boundaries with Puppy, because it’s important to you to maintain your relationship with Puppy. That *is* one (not the only, but one) good reason to maintain boundaries. You may find, if you consider it, that this logic applies to anyone you care about, even if in different amounts. In my experience, people lose a lot more good relationships to unenforced or unstated boundaries than they do from stating and enforcing them.
That doesn’t make it easy, I know. *hug*
Wow. I had no idea. I’ve always had the impression you would tell just about anyone to fuck off.
What you said about the more you love someone, the harder it is for you to tell them when they have crossed your boundaries has given me something to think about. Do you think this is commonly true for people or just something true for you?
So, not that this will do any good, but here goes: I specifically request that if I ever step over your boundaries in any way that you PLEASE with chocolate syrup on it tell me immediately.
I will not be upset. I am very clear that for a relationship to work in the long term, both parties need to get their needs addressed. Trampling over boundaries is something Dawn and I have a lot of experience with. I’ve learned this the hard way. The only reason we’re still together is because now I know how to have and respect boundaries better.
If you want to keep this relationship or any other, sooner or later you’ll need to be able to have and keep boundaries.
And I’ll volunteer to tell you any and everything I know on the topic. In addition, Les is organizing a boundary workshop at our place. Held by the Impact folks. Maybe you could come?