Wow are a lot of people going to think that I am talking about them in particular as I write this one. HA!
(Let me say first I am in a shit-tastic mood. I had a less than ideal day with a moron teacher who treated the room as if they were in the third grade and my head hurts so bad I would be much happier if it was cut off. So I’m going to rant and rave now.)
I got into an argument/discussion about this not too long ago with Noire and we decided that we have very different opinions on the topic. Or rather I decided that and just dropped it because I was tired of arguing. I don’t remember which. But it has come up a fucking lot lately so I’m going to get pissy. One of the main problems I have always had with the fact that I have friends who are much older than me is that they feel they have the right to lecture me. I am told, “I would have been happier if I had learned this at your age” or blah blah blah equivalent. It is rare that someone who is close to me in age seriously lectures me without provacation.
What Noire and I argued about was that I think that if I think someone is fucking up I generally keep my mouth shut about it unless a) they ask my opinion or b) they are a very very very close friend. Anna and Alex. I think those two are the only ones who get my absolute unfettered opinion. Now everyone should pity them. They are the only two people I can think of that I will not hold back on telling them that they are a mother fucking moron if they do ‘x’ and frankly, even they tell me sometimes to shut up. Those are the two people who have been family to me for the longest and they are the people I feel closest to in the world. That gives them priveleges and deficits in dealing with me. Neither of them can fuck up bad enough to get rid of me shy of pointing a gun at me. With everyone else I censor myself. Really. I do. You all have no idea how much judgmental shit comes through my head. Every so often I will slip up and start lecturing someone when I believe it isn’t appropriate. If I realize I am doing it I generally apologize rather profusely because it just isn’t my damn call. Noire believes is that if she feels she can give a person advice/etc that will better their life it is her duty to impart it whether they have asked for it or want it or not. (Did I phrase this properly Noire? This was my understanding.) Wow could I not agree less.
So then we come to the issue of people offering advice and lecturing me. Yeah, I don’t usually ask for it. I’m pretty specific when I want advice and I steel myself to hear things that I won’t like because that is just part of the deal and I know it. It is probably why I don’t ask for advice all that often. Cause I don’t want to fucking hear it. I have been wondering about when it is ok to lecture me (as people have lectured me multiple times lately and I then became flamingly angry) and the answer is: when I ask you for your opinion. Until then? Do not tell me what I should say or how I should say it. Do not tell me what I should do or what I should not do. Last I checked…. yeah. Still an adult.
See, the thing about lecturing me is that I will tolerate it with ill grace from a small selection of people that I love a lot and I have come to expect that kind of behavior from. I still don’t appreciate it. I don’t think it is appropriate. From everyone who is not part of that very small select group? Go fuck yourself. I’m serious. Masturbation is fun and it will distract you from lecturing me and then you will be happy because you are masturbating and I will be far happier because I will not have gotten a lecture I didn’t want to hear.
/rant
I can see why people lecturing you or giving advice when you are not asking for it would piss you off. You are a intelligent person and like most intelligent people I am sure that you are quite cabable of making your own decisions. Also, it sounds like you have told people how you feel about being lectured and being given unwarranted advice, so that should be respected…
I’m sorry that you are irritated…
I have mono and I hadn’t had sex in eight days. I’m not surprised I cracked. 😉
No!?
REALLY???!!!
We never would have thought ANY of this about you….
GRIN!
hugs and love
So tell us: what qualifies as a lecture? A full paragraph with examples? Any passing comment?
Oh and: if a person tells you that your behavior hurt their feelings a little and why, is that a lecture?
Saying, “That hurt my feelings and this is why” is a perfectly fine thing to do. Telling me “You should say ‘x’ because when you say ‘y’ you make other people feel ‘z'” it is telling me what to do. Not to mention that you are also speaking as if your feelings and reactions are the same as everyone’s in the world and that just isn’t so.
Well, I’ve been hurting about this all day, and trying to figure out why. And the answer I came up with is: it’s because you’re right.
When I can’t let go of being irritated about something someone said, or about a situation I was in, I’ve learned the hard way that it’s often because I haven’t acknowledged my own fault in the matter.
And I acknowledge: I’ve developed some bad habits of speech, partly because I’m dealing with a teenager at home, and I often *need* to speak to her in global terms. She needs to learn stuff about the world before she ventures into it.
On another hand, to take more of what you said above personally, when I was in my 20’s, I did not know ONE SINGLE PERSON (besides relatives) who ever gave me the benefit of their experience. I didn’t know ANYONE who would tell me, “I wish I’d known XYZ when I was in your situation.” Perhaps when I’ve said that to you or others, it was because I was engaging in a little self-nurturing.
*hugs* I am really really really grateful that you are willing to accept some of the responsibility.
Sometimes, I really appreciate that I can benefit from your wisdom, that is why I solicit your advice about things. I do acknowledge that you are smart, competent, and you have gone through a lot of things about life that I have not yet. Sometimes, I need to figure some stuff out on my own though. It’s part of growing up.
I can understand the concept of self-nurturing a great deal. I know that I do that consciously and unconsciously. And sometimes, if you are able to let me know that part of the advice is coming from that place, I will be much more gracious about understanding why you are giving it and I will try harder to accept it for what it is. Unfortunately I have my baggage though and I get my hackles up so freakin easily sometimes. 🙁 I am trying to work on the gracious bit, but some days are harder for me than others.
I do appreciate my friendship with you. And I just flat appreciate you as a person. Thank you for putting up with me and my shit.
I think it might be good to let person “x” know that behavior “y” hurt your feelings so it might be resolved.
I think person “x” will, likely, listen to you if I have a correct inkling of what is going on.
See, that’s the thing darling. I’m not talking about one person. I am talking about a pattern of behavior that I deal with a lot and it infuriates me.
Okay dokay. I see.
by the way… your psycho comment rocked.