There are a few poly people in this filter, but none of the people that proselytize and due to how many people have been making catty comments there is even a distinct lack of people who are involved with the proselytizers. AKA: please don’t discuss this filter with people unless you see them make a comment. Most of my ‘regular’ people aren’t on it.
Mono is sucking ass through a straw. After a good 8 1/2 hours of sleep (which is normally more than I can really pull off) I wake up feeling exhausted to the tips of my fingers. My whole body hurts with exhaustion. And Puppy is fine and off doing stuff so I feel even more pathetic because he is better and I am not. But that is only part of it.
Puppy is busy. That’s a fact of life. So that means I am once again back to doing things by myself. I think that was one of the only things I really got out of poly is that I really hate being alone and it is a fact of life in monogamy. He can’t be with me all the time and yeah yeah yeah it wouldn’t be healthy anyway. In the last month I have been to a couple of S&P’s and one birthday party for a friend and I went to one discussion group meeting. Ali came over in the midst of me wanting to die and I saw Mo for about 4 hours the other night. If anyone wants to think back to the schedule I have been keeping for the last year and some…. Yeah. I’m not doing much of anything. I’m at home, mostly alone. Mostly because I don’t want to go to events by myself. 🙁 There is a whole lot less point in going to events when you are not allowed to do much flirting when you are there. How do some of you handle this? Ali goes to stuff by herself, so does Erik. I feel shitty when I even think about it. Today I have two big options: a pool party in Santa Clara with pervy friends or a bbq/with pool up in Davis with dancers. The fact is, I will probably stay home and cry. Driving is a pretty significant effort right now. I feel pathetic for thinking that, let alone saying it, let alone having it be true. I don’t know most of the dancers that well and I know I will have a hard time keeping it together and not crying today. I don’t cry in front of people I don’t know well. I would like to know them better, but… yeah. It has felt like it isn’t that big of a deal to any of them to get to know me. With the exception of the ones who wanted to fuck me, not a single one of them have ever made any effort to come see me and I have gone up to Davis to see people. That hurts after a very short period of time. With the perv party, Tom will be there with his new girl. And I will be alone.
I feel like a not very nice person. I should be more understanding of the various conflicts that Puppy has in his life. We were moving, he was sick, he has to work. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter what the reasons are–I feel like shit. It comes down to me being alone again and I had enough of that with Tom to last a lifetime. The answer isn’t fucking poly. I don’t want poly. I just don’t know what to do. Regina, please don’t tell me I am being selfish again.
I feel so lost.
“Unfortunately it doesn’t matter what the reasons are–I feel like shit.”
Congratulations on the ability to seperate how you feel from circumstances. That really is a very cool thing, even if frustrating in the present.
The exhaustion won’t last forever sweety, hang in there. Give yourself a break!
I’ve said it before, you’re sick you need rest. Maybe you can get someone to come pick you up, drive you to something social where you should pick a couch and move into it, and then drive you home, but really you should be resting.
Once you get healthy I suggesting finding different venues to socialize in, maybe ones that will help promote your career. Right now with funding being down you may need to work those social networks in order to secure yourself employment.
Well, first off, I suspect you’re not too far behind Puppy in healing. You started getting sick later than him – remember how exhausted he was when you were running high packing? I know it sucks right now. *hugs*
A small reality check on the “visitors” issue…..You have a sickness that’s pretty scary. Even though I know I was very careful and clean about contact with you guys, I have a little voice in my subconscious that panics over feeling tired or sneezing a few times in a row – “I hope I don’t have mono!!!!” So what sucks is that people are probably a little extra scared to hang out with you. I know I’d probably freak out about drinking from your glasses (clean ones) right now, even though logically and medically I know it’s ok. Sorry. Hope I’m not making you feel worse. I just wanted to let you know that there are probably some reasons that are not in any way reflective of how much people like you.
As far as loneliness in general and solo activities…..you know that I choose to do things on my own. And that I am comfortable with flirting and dancing and such *because* I know it won’t go anywhere. To me it provides a certain degree of freedom because it is clear that I’m just having a good time and not making any commitments. It takes a certain mind set. I know very firmly what my relationship to my husband is. I have no concerns about vulnerabilities in context of these kind of interactions. I have had to decide what will make me happiest. Staying home and not doing anything that doesn’t involve us *both* for *whatever* reasons, or choosing to participate in things that my husband doesn’t like or is too busy to do. ESPECIALLY in the last few years – if I stayed home every time he needed to write a paper I’d be out of my head.
It does feel a little strange sometimes, but in the long run it’s sanity saving. But like I said, you have to set your head around it. And Puppy has to set his. It’s not fair to give you guilt because you want to do something and he can’t or won’t. People need a certain degree of independance and individual identity, even within a long term monogamous commitment.
*hugs* You’ll grow into things. I mean that in a growing into your relationship way, not “you’ll understand when you get older.” 😉
As far as I’m concerned, you’re always welcome at any event I’m throwing up here in Davis. I can’t blame yopu about the drive though. For a lot of things happening in the bay area, certainly not your things in aprticular, the drive down is a turn off for me. I’ve come to realize that I don’t enjoy driving as much as I used to, and worse off, it tends to put me to sleep. Not a good combo. If you’re feeling up for it, I’d be very happy to see you again and, if you need it, there’s always a room or two you can close yourself in for awhile if you need some down time. There will be some non-dancers there as well.
Re: relationshiops in general: M and I certainly figured out that we live on different schedules. I have filled up most of my week with things that we do separatly. We have tuesdays together and most nights after 8 or so. Just fnid something you enjoy doing I guess. Hugs and hope to see you later.
I echo Loupy’s commen- you’re always welcome here! One of the reasons I haven’t been coming down is that I live a very busy schedual during the quarter, and I haven’t got a running car (see my LJ), so I need to hitch rides. This makes things like Plough easy, makes one-on-one harder. Also, a lot of events in the Bay are things I hear about AFTER they happen. Hell, I can’t count how many times people have come up to me at Plough or something and said “We missed you at the DHP/birthday party/moving adventure, where were you?” and my only response is “there was a…?”
Not to put the pressure on you, I’m just a bit out of the loop. Personally, I’d love to see you, even as reclusive and antisocial as I can be at time.
See you later today?
Yay, I’m on the poly-but-rational list of people.:)
Honestly, if you didn’t mention it yourself in this post, I wouldn’t have thought poly/monogamy was the issue. In my experience, figuring out how to do things with people other than your primary SO, especially during NRE or soon after it wears off, is difficult regardless of your relationship structure. Hell, I’m in a poly relationship that’s been going on for 4 years, and frequently on nights where he’s in a game I’m not in I end up calling people up, they’re all busy, and I end up sitting there going “fuck, I’m lonely.”
I suspect a decent part of it is the mono…nucleosis, not gamy. I get extra cranky and easily upset with just a cold. The odd thing is that I tend to get really cranky before I even realize I’m getting sick, there’s something about the virus or my immune system kicking in that makes me unhappy *before* I feel like crap. While the question of “how do I go socialize without Puppy?” might be an issue without being sick, it’s worse when you feel like you can’t, I’m sure.
Poly/mono really shouldn’t have anything to do with socializing. When I go hang out with friends on my own, I’m generally not contemplating fucking them (ok, maybe with one or two people, but the point remains.) You shouldn’t have to be alone in a monogamous relationship unless alone to you means without an SO around – in which case I’m not sure what to suggest.
Things are also probably more difficult because of where you live. You’re between the berkeley people and the south bay people and the SF people, and everyone is tired of driving, especially with the gas prices.
more hugs and more love. It was nice to see you today.