We had another big fight last night. We had been sitting down having dinner and discussing the upcoming plans. There is an event I want to go to weekend after next and I will be gone Fri-Sun and he would like to come down on Sat. But it’s a long drive and lot’s of effort and trying to negotiate rides and such was a bit obnoxious. I kept being me, which is to say that for every reason he had for what he wanted I had about fifteen things to consider that could be a problem in making it happen. I wasn’t trying to cause a fight or be difficult, I was following my generic thought process. I think about all the possibilities for things to go wrong when I am planning anything. I just do. But he felt very attacked. I got up to start cleaning up after dinner and he told me, “If you don’t want me to go just say so.” Then he went off to deal with laundry. I got really angry. Most of the points I was bringing up were because I wanted to make sure he didn’t end up in a situation that meant I wouldn’t get to spend much time with him. I didn’t want him depending on a total flake for a ride so that I didn’t see him for more than a few hours.

When he came back into the house I pretty much went off. I pushed his chest and yelled at him. The look on his face for a split second made me think he would deck me. Yeah. Maybe I went a bit far there… We yelled out our respective sides. I think he finally realized that I wasn’t trying to be a pill when I say the things I say, I’m just very anal-retentive and compulsive and I want to make sure there is no possible outcome I haven’t considered. His ex-wife spent most of their marriage (they were married for two years, they had already been together for four years when they married) trying to have time away from him and didn’t ever want him to come along when she did stuff. We all have our baggage. So it is a constant issue for him to suspect that when I am examining all the ways something could potentially fail that I am really just trying to tell him to stay home. No… I want to make sure you don’t end up staying home because of something stupid and petty cause I really really want you there. *sigh*

When the fight was over he pulled me into his lap and stroked my hair and told me he was proud of me for dealing with being angry instead of stewing for days.

He is coming from a background of a partner who would do anything to get away from him. I am coming from a background of a partner who would use any excuse to avoid doing things with me. We both are afraid of asking for time with one another because we are used to being rebuffed. I’ve tried explaining to him that we are both the clingy type who likes time together (don’t get me wrong, we spend an awful lot of time apart and that is ok–there are a good 12 hours that we are apart during every day and then 8 hours of sleeping. I don’t think that wanting to spend what time we can together is obsessive.) but he still feels like he is going to stifle me. This means I am having to work very hard on my own fear of rejection and I am asking him to be with me. It’s scary…

[Day two of migraine starting. I really don’t understand why he won’t shoot me.]