So Puppy and I had one of those meta converations last night. A communication about communication. We cleared up what exactly had each of us been arguing over the previous few days, cause we really weren’t on the same topics. We talked about things that we both want to work on and things that both of us need to agree to. For example:
-I need my cool down time or I am inclined to get violent and/or shut down during arguments. Instead of just walking away like I have always done I am going to ask for a timeout for a specific period of time so that I am a)getting the space I need to have and I am commiting to coming back and solving the problem so he doesn’t feel like I am just avoiding the issue and ignoring his needs.
-Puppy has a bit better of an idea of exactly how and why I need space now and he has commited to actually letting me have the time I need. He also thinks he will feel a lot better about giving me the space I need when he feels more certain I am going to come back.
-We talked about needing to have “What are we arguing about” check-in’s as the fight is raging because we end up doing apples and oranges and that is utterly useless and frustrating.
-He feels that he wants to learn how to communicate with me differently because the way he talks to me isn’t making it through. (I think this is more of a two way street than he kind of commited to.) He thinks a counselor would be a really good idea to help us figure out how to speak the same language.
We talked about how his behavior during the big fight was a perfect example of his fathers behavior and how I cannot and will not live with a replica of that man. That wasn’t easy to talk about. We talked about the difference between slamming his friend and me setting a boundary in my life. With him (yeah, I know I am doing it with my friends and in my journal but he isn’t influenced by that) I am not saying much negative about his ex other than I don’t want her in my life because she isn’t stable. I am stressing repeatedly that I want him to continue his friendship with her because he needs to have friends and a support network that doesn’t involve me. I just don’t want to be friends with her and I don’t want her in my house. I don’t think that those boundaries for me should end his relationship and I also don’t want to spend a lot of time with him telling me I am wrong about her. He finally conceded that feelings don’t have to be rational and it’s ok for me to have my squicks. For the record, he is totally supportive of her not coming into the house if I don’t want her here. He just wishes that I would actually get to know her and make my evaluation of any potential friendship based on my personal interactions instead of based on something she did in the past to him. I feel this is a very reasonable wish for him to have and I don’t blame him. I also know that she happened to stomp on one of the things I am most sensitive to in the world and it is pretty much a deal breaker for me from the get-go. There are no take-backs of that action. I tolerate a whole shit-load of stuff from people, not that.
We talked more about birth control methods and comfort and sex and what we both need and how our squicks and needs are not matching up entirely. (He has a serious thing against getting menstrual blood on himself and that leads to me feeling dirty and unwanted. It’s a thing. It needs to be worked on.) We talked about how basically unfair it is that birth control in this relationship is 100% my responsibility and he is asking me to do even more things because he is really paranoid about an accidental pregnancy. We talked about the negative effects on my body and psyche that some of what he wants causes and how basically, I am not going to put myself at risk for any more shit. He is being flat paranoid and I am not going to pander to it because it is actually going to hurt me to do so. (I am not fond of constant UTI’s and if I used spermicidal jelly as much as he would like me to [one more preventative] I would never stop being in pain. Ever.) So yeah. There are now a bunch of websites about ovulation and fertility cycles up on his computer and he is going to read them and find out that actually no, I can’t get pregnant 30-1 days out of the month and he can stop trying to insist that I do four forms of birth control at all times cause it is kind of silly. (Starting with the premise that I am on the pill and not ovulating anyway. Oy.) And for the record, cause some people feel envy: yeah, we are up to five days without sex. Poor me. 🙁
He thinks a counselor would be a really good idea to help us figure out how to speak the same language.
It’s possible. A professional, used to dealing with such things, might help you faster than you can get done yourself.
Might not even take that long, either, given that you both *know* there are issues in your communication styles.
The nice thing about a counselor is that they are an impartial figure, so when you get tools and strategies from *them* they’re not covered in baggage about whose words you’re using.
Sounds like a good productive conversation. Sounds like it should help you both hold boundaries a bit better in the future, which is a damn fine thing.
Damn, I thought I was paranoid about birth control. Multiple methods *and* the pill? I was happy with just the pill, though I also was very aware of everything that might interfere with it. (I also used it as a method of testing doctors. “So, this antibiotic…will it interfere with my bc pill?” if the answer was no, the doctor was clueless.)
Also, I think I’m happy never having had spermicidal jelly in my body, ever, if it has a tendency to cause UTIs.
Have you had a talk about what would happen if there was an accidental pregnancy? I’m assuming you have, but if you haven’t, it might help.
I wish there were more BC options that were male-focused. Last I checked, they were working on a male BC pill, but it was a long way from actual production.
I definitely agree with the above suggestion about knowing clearly what the outcome would be in the case of an accidental pregnancy, which might or might not make him feel more or less comfortable depending on the answer.
Additionally, if he feels so worried, he needs to put on a condom. It is the most direct control a male can have over pregnancy, and it is squarely in his court to do so. Taking BCPs is a very invasive thing to be doing, and the most control a woman can have, short of sterilization. He needs to understand that, and take some personal responsibility of his own. I also think he could to be part of your pill taking ritual. I felt very irritated with being personally responsible for remembering to take my pill at the same time, and I asked my husband to be part of reminding me to do so, so that it is a shared responsibility, just at it is a shared risk of pregnancy in our committed long term, fluid-bonded relationship.
I personally despise condoms, but there’s going to be a time in the not too distant future that we go back to them, and that’s going to be something that also has to be a shared responsibility (which is going to mean me encouraging not discouraging their use – played with too much withdrawal method fire in our day, avoiding the stupid rubbers.)
Finally about menstrual blood – kind of funny story – I once started my period DURING sex in a dark room. When we finished we realized that things were a bit too slippery and had a look….oh my. If my husband (then boyfriend, 21 years old) could handle that axe murder scene, he definitely doesn’t have a menstrual blood squick. It was horrifying, and I was absolutely mortified that I had done it to him. It’s one thing to “earn your red wings voluntarily.” It’s something entirely else to be drafted. If Puppy’s fluid bonded with you, he doesn’t have any disease concerns, and he needs to understand that it’s just another fluid. 🙂
Spermicidal jelly is some nasty toxic stuff. If it is causing you some discomfort, I do recommend cutting it out. It seems if you are sensitive to it the damage will begin to accumulates. At any rate, it did with me. I have internal scars from the stuff eventually eating into my vaginal walls. It took me literally months to heal. I have a huge beef with that shit and think it is evil.
I'm still pushing the therapy thing