This probably would have been more rantlike last night or early this morning, so maybe it is a good thing I’ve had a little time and quite a few orgasms since then. I feel much more mellow.
So. I went to Portland this weekend for the bachelor party and wedding of a dear friend. I carpooled up with two other friends. Dear God. Can we say “peopled out?” The drive up was fun and the conversation flowed pretty well and the jokes had not yet gotten annoying so I had a fairly good time. I had more and more trouble as the weekend passed keeping my temper in check and at least every few hours I would get so angry about something that I would have to just shut my mouth and not talk for a half hour or so because I would have screamed at someone. There is no way for me to recall all the myriad of things that pissed me off, so I’m not even going to try.
This is becoming more common for me and I don’t really understand why. A few of the things that were said are major hot buttons for me in general (Comments about how the US should close its borders and get rid of the illegal immigrants because they are ruining the country for the people who belong here. Yeah, us white people who showed up maybe 500 years ago and murdered the native population have such a strong right to be here. Uh huh. It’s hard to piss me off faster than this line of “logic.”) but most of the things that made me angry should have been just mildly irritating and I should have been able to ignore it. I know that tasteless jokes are the norm and conversations that bore the crap out of me are the standard when too many geeks of that particular persuasion get together I feel like I shouldn’t get so pissy about it. But Oh My God did I this weekend. I think chunks of the pissiness came from feelings of insecurity and feeling stupid. I simply can’t compete when a bunch of geeks decide to start going of on complex chemistry stuff. I don’t understand it and I feel like a total fucking moron as these conversations go on. I think that feeling so stupid is probably most of why I get angry. I hate feeling inferior. I hate feeling like I am just flat not as smart as the people around me. When the conversation turned to how people juggled their AP and honors and etc classes in high school I felt like the loser from hell. “Uh, yeah. I dropped out for a variety of reasons including not being able to psychologically cope with the normal teasing that happens in high school on top of repeatedly going in and out of psych wards as I tried to kill myself because I couldn’t deal with all the sexual abuse that had happened to me.” Yeah. Now I feel like I belong in this crowd of smart people… not. No one was trying to make me feel bad–they simply wouldn’t. But I felt crappy and I couldn’t seem to deal with that feeling in any way other than getting furious. So I feel like I understand part of my general pissiness, but not all of it. I know that something else that made my fuse shorter than normal was the fact that on the final morning Dad told me that he was really sick of the group leaving a mess around his house. He said he felt like four teenagers showed up and expected him to pick up after them. I felt horrible. I cleaned up everything I possibly could that morning. Really people hadn’t been leaving that big of a mess, but they had spread out newspapers and left coffee cups sitting out. I felt embarrassed that I had asked him to house me and my friends and then my friends behaved in a less than adult fashion. 🙁 So without even explaining the situation to anyone I was pissed off at everyone about it.
The bachelor party was a mixed bag for me. I was overly hungry during set-up and I am pretty much a raging bitch when I haven’t eaten. Then the first few hours of the party were great. I had a lot of fun and I felt social and it was really awesome. There were several women who did strip-teases and my bias came out pretty strongly. The first person was cute, but it took her three songs to get a shirt and a skirt off. I was not terribly impressed. The second woman was a very large black woman. I bet this woman has some pretty significant body issues because society doesn’t tend to think that women her size are terribly attractive. But Holy COW was she an awesome stripper! She was having fun! And flirting! It was a joy to watch her. I was sorry when she was done. 🙂 Then two anorexic chicks danced and I watched the tv for their “performance.” I really don’t find girls who are that skinny attractive. Finally a girl I know danced and damn was she fun as well. Puppy asked me if she is a professional stripper because she really knew how to work it. 🙂 Then I felt myself hit a brick wall of “Done” but I couldn’t leave. So I started feeling bad and being less pleasant. I didn’t bite anyones head off at the party I don’t think.
The wedding was really amazing. I had a fabulous time. The bride was so amazingly beautiful and the groom looked so very happy. It was really cool getting to spend time with the Portland people that I like so much. After the wedding Puppy and I had another one of those long drawn out unpleasant conversations. I think we reached a few more conclusions. Both of us have been having trouble trying to figure out what the other wants from play and as a result nothing is working very well. We came up with some ideas that I am looking forward to trying. We also talked at length (after I ranted for a long time) about how he and I have very different approaches to friendship. I see my friends as whole people; I see their good and their bad and I don’t flinch from getting pissed off about their bad. I know that getting pissed off at people doesn’t make me love them or even like them any less. Puppy feels enormously insecure about saying bad things about people he likes. He thinks it means he doesn’t like them. So when I rant about one of my friends he thinks I am saying that I don’t like them. Dad told me to have Puppy read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I thought that was funny.
On my last morning there Dad and I finally got to have a long talk by ourselves. It was when he asked me lots of questions about my life and gave me advice and basically was my Dad. I’m really glad I got that time. Dad and I are very alike in our bluntness and occasional tactlessness. (No snickering about the occasional.) He told me one more time that being up front about who I am isn’t a bad thing and I shouldn’t try to learn to conceal myself from the people around me. No, not everyone is going to like me. However, the ones that do like me will like me even more for being up front about who I am. He had lots of other advice too, but I have blathered on too long as it is.
He is right about letting those around you in on who you are what you want
And you aren’t less intelligent than chem geeks. They are talking about their fields. You are less informed but no less intelligent. You are one of the most intelligent people I know.
I’ve got a computer science degree. I’ve got a brain that’s in mostly-functional order after childhood sexual abuse and accompaning family trauma that was much less severe than yours.
The degree was easier. Way easier. I’d do it every year and twice on leap years if I could have avoided having had to do the other one easier.
If you’re feeling intimidated, it’s because you’re undervauling your own accomplishments. They’re rightly invisible to most people, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t value them yourself.
I’m with on this one.
I pulled off the high school juggling and all that, and work a complex geek job. And I’m dealing with my 12th year of therapy dealing with my childhood sexual, emotional and physical abuse. The educational/professional stuff is *so* much easier.
You have to have done so much work internally to get to where you are – that’s where the smarts got focused (not that you *haven’t* done amazing things educationally and professionally – I have so much respect for folks with higher degrees, cause I lack the focus required, so far). I wish I’d focused more of them internally earlier, honestly.
Also, I’m pretty sure that you can write, teach and dance circles around me, as well as tons of other things. It’s all in the perspective.
I do not value my accomplishments much, no. My degree is in English. Whoopie. I feel like a monkey could have earned my degree and probably with a higher GPA. And I’m not even vaguely together emotionally/mentally. I used to think I was, but as time goes by I am getting worse and worse.
I kind of think that if I can’t get through a day without yelling at someone, I’m not functioning. And no, I don’t think that is terribly great.
> My degree is in English. Whoopie. I feel like a monkey could have earned my degree
You obviously haven’t worked with some of the people I have… 🙁
(coherent English and grammar isn’t too much to ask, is it?)
I feel like a monkey could have earned my degree and probably with a higher GPA.
Those geeks who can’t talk about anything but chemistry? I bet they couldn’t. Don’t confuse “no fixed right answer” with “easy.”
I don’t see any problem with telling people “Guys, I’m not a chemist. Let’s talk about something else. How about…” Or, for that matter, ripping them a couple of new assholes when they say stupid shit.
And I’m not even vaguely together emotionally/mentally. I used to think I was, but as time goes by I am getting worse and worse.
Well, your accomplishments aren’t keeping pace with how harshly you judge yourself. But I really don’t think the latter is fixed in place, either.
You certainly don’t seem any *less* stable to me lately than when I met you. Maybe I just talked to you on a *really* good day? Because if the day felt reasonably average to you, then you definitely don’t seem to be backsliding. I can’t judge your level of progress very objectively, but you seem to be doing well from where I’m sitting.
This may sound odd, but…
Unless I am upset about something involving you, I am generally far more ‘together’ when I am with you.
I simply can’t compete when a bunch of geeks decide to start going off on complex chemistry stuff.
I’m going to go off on a tangent here… it may or may not be relevant to you. It made me start thinking about how I relate to people.
I like science. So, I talk about it a lot with my partner, and with groups of friends from my department, and occasionally at parties if someone pushes hard enough and convinces me that they do actually want to hear about it. That said, geeking often annoys me (it’s not always particularly intellectual), and there’s a lot more to life. Science geeking can be less a display of intelligence and more just shared jargon and other people’s ideas. Many of us seem to talk about science when there’s not something better to talk about. I can’t speak for other scientists, but I like it when someone comes along and points out that the conversation is totally outside their realm of knowledge. You’re a smart woman, you have experiences that are completely different than mine in a lot of ways, and I expect I could get a lot of interesting perspective from you.
Also, I’m totally guilty of this, but talking about juggling AP and honors and etc classes, this many years past high school, is pretty lame anyway. 😉
Anyway, on a more relevant note, I’m sorry that the weekend was stressful. Being stuck with the same small group of people for a weekend always makes my patience wear thin.
Thanks for not hating my lettle show. And yessum I do have some pro experience. I worked in the sex industry most of the years between the time I was 19 and 27. Various aspects of the industry, much dancing. I haven’t done a public performance since I was 27 (I’m 35 now). I figured if there was gonna be a time I had a damn good reason and the right outfit just at that moment. But yes that was perty impromptu and I was nervous but still with the experience it is sorta like riding a bike. One doesn’t forget.
I understand completely bout the overload. Sounds like a formula for freaking me out. I would have been wanting to hide the first day. I noticed your pricklyness and I wondered at the cause. But you gave me the most lovely hug! Thank you.
I knew there were orgasms in your near future. 😉 Glad you finally got to em.
Your dancing was damn good. 🙂 I liked it lots.
Hooray! ~SMOOOSH!
Thank you!
Oh, and ps: I didn’t finish high school either. I’m still smart and so are you.
I probably don’t count on this one since I *did* finish college, but… Yeah. My high school didn’t have any AP classes when I was there (I think there are one or two now), and I dropped out. And you *know* I’m a smart person.
What you did in high school classes is all bureaucracy by the time you hit college. It just isn’t important. Much less after you’ve finished college.
What’s high school?;)
Seriously, there’s no way I could have dealt with the AP/honors crap and the schedule required for it. I see my brother doing it, and I think it’s crazy, and wonder why we as a society feel the need to torture our teenagers in order to feel that they’re learning. The homework he needs to do for multiple hours a night is mostly makework, and it’s dumb. I’m very glad I skipped out on the whole thing via homeschooling – my chspe and west valley classes were worth so much more. The only thing AP high school schedules prove is endurance and the ability to focus on makework.
And I dork at parties about bio when I find people who can, but that’s mostly because I’m a bio geek who spends all my time with computer geeks – I never get to talk about it, especially while I’m still unemployed. Most of my time with groups of people I get to listen to computer geeking and feel dumb because I don’t give a shit about their subject of expertise.
You just need to find people to chat with about your field – either people who are already in the field, or are just interested. Just because you’re not knowledgable in their field doesn’t mean you don’t have things to share, and I guarantee someone’s interested.
I always feel somewhat stupid trying to turn a conversation towards any time of actual discussion of literature for a few specific reasons.
One: I suck at names. I can’t remember the titles of books, the authors, or the names of the character. But I can tell you every little detail of what they did and I can chart complex character interactions in my brain. So unless I have just read the book and I deliberately have written down a cheat-sheet for myself of the names I feel stupid.
Two: it feels pretentious to try and get people to go through literary themes and trying to talk people into analyzing the analogies, focusing on religious metaphors particularly. But that is what I do when I am doing what I do. That is pretty much my focus. I am seriously into broad themes of literature and I am entranced by the ways in which religion influences modern literature. (Oh dear GOD I can go on for days about 100 Years of Solitude. I think it is one of the most amazing books ever written and I really should reread it. Maybe tomorrow. 🙂
Third: my research focii have been different from what most people think of when they think “lit degree” so I often don’t have that much overlap with people. I hate the Russians. I hate them hate them hate them. I am in love with magical realism. South American writers are amazing and I need to find more of them. I have done most of my research on fairy tales and folk lore though because as I have been considering doing a thesis (it isn’t required for a masters) I would want to write about childrens literature especially folk and fairy tales. This isn’t exactly a genre that most people want to hear much about…
Fourth: (since I’m on a roll) frankly, most of my personal reading is escapism stuff that I focus on the romance genre. I really love romance novels and there is a decided stereotype that people who read romance novels are stupid/air heads/negative stereotype x,y,z. Which I don’t understand because they are about equally as intellectual as science fiction or fantasy and they don’t have nearly such a bad rap. Bah.
Even in English groupings my interests seem to be odd. I hate that.
I am SO with you! On all counts! Except I prefer detective novels to romance.
I know I’m often a pretty big stick-in-the-mud hermit and not often at social events. But folk and faire tales are wonderful, and so are many of the South American authors I’ve read. I’m not a lit person so I’m not sure exactly how you’d define “magical realism” but if it’s what I think it is, I would definitely be interested in knowing more about it. I’ve always found that talking to someone who’s really interested in something is one of the best ways to learn about it.
My brain candy is fantasy novels. Yeah, so I like modern folk and faire tales.
Magical realism is the genre of literature (most often written by South American writers) that centers on what is arguably “the real world” but looks at things in the real world from the perspective that magic is real. But not in a fantastical sense. Not Harry Potter magic. But just the sense that miracles do happen and that everyone has the ability to do something amazing.
hmmm… so a book that I’ve been wanting to reread that comes to mind is Rain of Gold… also, there’s this short story about an old man with wings and a village and how the “miracle” wasn’t seen as such by the villagers (who kept the winged man locked up in a chicken coop). I really really really want to get a copy of this story, but I can never remember the author or the title.
Am I thinking of the right sort of books?
The story is: “A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who is pretty much the godfather of magical realism. I have read that story and it is very very good. Yes, that is exactly magical realism.
Your interests sound interesting to me. Really.
#1- if we’re ever at a party and people are geeking, come find me. Odds are, I’ll be as confused as you are. We can go hide together, or else geek on English.
#2- The reason a lot of techies (and hence people in general) don’t think of English as “scholastic” is because it’s an art and hence not quantifiable. Sure, you can write a precise, concise, detailed, interesting book, but it’s so much more interesting if it flows well, is poetic but not long-winded, full of interesting details, and enthrals you from cover to cover.:) Ultimately, what is more important: IQ (quantifiable) or taste (art)?
-Anselm
“No, not everyone is going to like me. However, the ones that do like me will like me even more for being up front about who I am.”
Love you for it babe. I really do. I wish I could have made the frustration go away this weekend, but I had a feeling it was much bigger then I could solve for you. It was yummy to give you hugs and pets in person.
I was both in a state of bliss, with so much social lovelyness going on around me, and a bit distraught – inside. Hard to cover that one, but … for now, it is what it is.
Glad you’re home safe!
You’re a smart person, and livelier to jump on tangents and inferences than some others I know with doctorates… please don’t be intimidated there.
Although I’m with Puppy as regards saying bad things…
Note to self: no chemistry convos around. Hopefully I haven’t pushed that particular button too often. I always thought you a pretty sharp cookie, actually.
Puppy feels enormously insecure about saying bad things about people he likes. He thinks it means he doesn’t like them. So when I rant about one of my friends he thinks I am saying that I don’t like them.
No one is perfect. If you think someone is perfect, you probably don’t know them very well. Or you have a problem, because you’re wearing some sort of shiny happy goggles that filter out reality.
There are things about my best friends in the world that I don’t like, or that I find annoying at a given time….example – my best friend chews with her mouth open, and it makes me twitch – does it mean I don’t like her? Not at all. I think it’s absurd to suggest that having an awareness of someones imperfections is a indication of dislike.
I also find it enormously interesting that Puppy would say that, considering he seems to have little difficulty “jokingly” saying mean things about people he claims to love……
ok, um, no…
I’ve talked with you about smart people shit. More than once. And you are most assuredly a “smart people”. I know. _I’m_ a smart people, and I know these things. You’re at least as knowledgable about the stuff you study as any of the “geeky” people around us are about the stuff they studied. And at least as smart. No question. Period.