I don’t wanna go home. I don’t wanna not see my friends up here for a long time. I don’t wanna miss the connection I have with some truly amazing women. I don’t wanna go a while without having bruises so big I can’t cover them with my hands. I don’t wanna go another couple of years without getting to really delve into the depths of my mind. I don’t wanna lose me and I had me this weekend.

I don’t know if I am going to be coherent or not, but I have another hour until my flight and I want to babble and no one is required to read this so I can babble all I want. 😛

I showed up here very nervous about what to expect. I am always a bit out of sorts in Portland and Seattle because this feels like Tom’s “turf” and somewhere I should not intrude. I don’t feel like that anymore though. Not after this weekend. I started off with the stupidity of sleeping through my flight in Reno and feeling exceptionally cranky about that. I didn’t arrive until 11 on Thursday and I was overtired and out of sorts and that does not put me on my best behavior generally speaking. But Dad met me in the airport and hugged me and started off with his normal silly chatter. (He talks a lot too; it’s great.) We went back to his house and I was cranky and a pain in the ass and people were tolerant of me anyway. But I went to sleep and slept for a long time and then felt good the next morning.

I spent a lot of Friday morning on my own doing brain decompression stuff. It was awesome. I love slacking. Eventually I went with F (Dad’s wife) to do girly shit like a manicure and a pedicure. It was cute and fun and pampering. We also got to talk and spend time together with just the two of us and that was really nice. I respect her so much. We went back to the house and spent a while getting ready before we headed out to the con with Dad getting more antsy by the minute. He gets a bit overeager at cons and it is really cute and funny. I’m so low maintanence that getting ready for me was no big deal. We schmoozed a bit for a while at registration and I got to start greeting people. Not many people actually knew I was coming so it was lovely to surprise people. Lots of fabulous hugs and catching up on what has been going on in the past few years for people. It was great. We had dinner with a really nice couple (damn can that guy cook) and got all ready to go out for the night. Earlier in the day I had wound my hair into a fabulous crown braid that impressed everyone who saw it. Most of my bay area friends would have said, “Oh that is nice, but you could have done….” Heh. Different audience. Then I put on my Dickens skirt and my corset on over it. Yes, I wore the hoop. 🙂 I made quite the entrance after I had been dressed fairly grubby and nondescript earlier. That was fun. I didn’t actually expect to find any play. Boy was I wrong. I spent a little while exchanging punches with a cute little girl and then I asked one of my favorite rope tops in the world if he might be pursuaded to tie me up a bit. HE DID!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! I had such a wonderful time in that scene. We did some floor bondage and went through a couple of different positions, but the point wasn’t strictly the bondage. He is one of the few men I will hands down describe as dominant. He exudes it from his pores while being one of the most gracious, considerate, kind men I have ever met. When we started he asked me to take off all the clothes that I was comfortable removing (by this time I was in jammies anyway) and we got the basics of body awareness negotiating out of the way. I can’t describe everything that happened. It was wonderful. He pushed me. Without words he asked me to give him things that I don’t normally give people I bottom to. I took some very uncomfortable things because he wanted me to. I submitted to his will and that feeling was wonderful. I am incredibly grateful that he shared the experience with me. I have missed that more than I was aware.

Then I went home and slept until 9 in the morning. Now is time for shock and amazement because I never sleep that late. I was truly worn out the night before. 🙂 Yay. I went to all of the M/s (Master/slave) classes during the day and skipped the classes on physical skills. I don’t know how much I actually learned, but I enjoyed them and I am happy about the choices I made. I had lunch with my beloved Pandora and we were silly and fun and had a great conversation. I was thrilled with the time. I had dinner with Bridgett and her husband and that was so fantastic. I really enjoyed getting personal conversation time with them because I see them so rarely and even less often outside of crowds. I like and respect both of them more everytime I see them.

At the party on Saturday night I played hard. I demoed with Dad for a caning thing. That was hard to process because he wanted me to be verbal and interacting with the audience. A few people who know me were making fun of me for not taking that much but dude–I was talking to people and describing the sensation the whole time! You try processing like that! Sheesh. After that I wandered around and found the hot geeky boy I had been checking out the night before. His tag said switch and I was hoping that meant more top like. However, earlier I had the good fortune to be standing by when he asked Bridgett to tie him up and she said maybe because she was pretty booked. I was feeling all fiesty so I offered to do it instead. Despite it being a very silly thing to do he trusted me when I said I was good. (Ha. Foolish boy.) And we played. And it was hot. He makes very subtle moaning noises when hit. Gosh that is yummy. He’s a bit stoic, so I wasn’t sure how much I could hurt him but I don’t think I left him disappointed. I suspended him sideways and made it mostly a sensual/fun experience. Licking, biting, light nails, and stroking him with my hair all produced some really pretty noises. Then we started talking and I asked him how old he is and he was evasive. Turns out he is 22 (OHMYGOD). That’s a cherry for me. Then he teased me about being pretty cute for an older woman. I hurt him a lot for a little while. fucker. But in the end it was all good. We kissed a lot and made out after the scene. It was tasty and yummy. Then the profoundly hot couple I had spoken to the night before asked me if I wanted to get hurt. Well, duh! I got the crap beaten out of me. Punching and pinching and squeezing muscles and lifting me up by grabbing a handful of shoulder muscle and… dude it was hot. They beat me until I burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying and that is hard to do. It was so hawt. I didn’t manage to catch up with them later to let them know that I am still soooooo happy about the scene. Must email mutual Seattle friends…

I went home on Saturday and could not sleep. I masturbated for probably three hours and it just wasn’t enough. I was kind of wound up. 🙂 I was sad that the hot geeky boy had left during my last scene because I was thinking about asking him to come home with me. So instead Dad I discussed in the morning how the hot geeky boy should be invited over for Sunday night. Yay for people who facilitate sluttery. I got to the con, did classes, flirted with hot geeky boy. I refuse to use his nick because it is so dorky. Seriously boy–you are a dork. 😉 We ran an errand during the lunch break and talked and talked. I like him. He is smart and silly and fun. He is in the place I was in a few years ago with regards to kink and that is so interesting to watch from this position in the experience continuum. We flirted and talked for most of the day really. Then I invited him to the after party and we had some pretty spectacular sex. It is rare to find men who are not completely orgasm centric and I am limited in my young man experience so I thought it just didn’t happen with young guys. He had some remarkable stamina. I am so going to be visiting him. Not just because of the fun play and hot sex either. 😛 Damn crushes.

On Monday I spent time with my Pandora and she hosted a dinner party in my honor (hey, I can be egotistical about this, damnit!). Getting to talk to these people was so great and wonderful. I felt seen and understood in a way I don’t very often. I have some great friends in the bay area, but they tend to not be as into the SM side of things as I am and that sometimes feels isolating. I had a lot of appreciation for the kinship I had in that room. They gave me lots of wine and some delicious food and I passed out fairly early. (Cute geeky boy didn’t exactly give me much rest the night before.)

This morning I had another couple of hours to talk more with Pandora in the morning. Then time with Bridgett in the airport. I am feeling incredibly sad about leaving. Usually I am so eager to go home by the end of trips and that just isn’t true this time. I am thinking more about moving up here than I have before. Many of you have heard me talk about the possibility on and off for years, but it is feeling more real right now. Most of my reason for not moving is fear that I won’t fit because I have such a wonderful community in SF. But there are people up here too. There are people up here who are just as much my family. I don’t know what I am going to do.