I didn’t finish everything. I will tomorrow.

Tomorrow morning before I go to martial arts class I will fill the green waste bin and do the weeding in the front. I’m half done with the roses, I can finish in a few minutes. Then I’ll have class. Then I’ll run home. Then I’ll go to an acupuncture appointment.

Then I’ll come home and sand the walls and scrub them again.

Then we have guests who want to talk about mental health. Because excellent. That’s what I’m here for.

Then we have babysitting and we get to go chat with friends. That’ll be nice.

I made some progress on Jenny’s birthday box. But it won’t be sent till Monday. Because I’m a dork.

Didn’t write the letter but I thought of what I want to write and to whom. Just to get it done. Maybe in the predawn hours before I can work outside.

I wouldn’t have gotten so much done if I hadn’t had a three person crew show up to help me. That was magical. I didn’t expect that this project.

Oh thank you, universe. I appreciate the help. They saved me at least a day, probably two of labor.

I am lucky. I am loved.

Why? I will never understand. Do I have to?

Why do I want to date people so fucking much that I’m willing to make big waves in my life?

If you’d seen Cupid’s eyes sparkle maybe you’d understand. If you had seen how my submissive quivers and leans into me… whoa hot. If you wanted a Daddy as bad as I do you’d understand. And my Deity?

I get why Noah worries about being replaced piece meal. But none of these people occur to me as overlapping with Noah. They give me a chance to access parts of myself that are not part of my relationship with Noah. Not because I’m trying to be an asshole.

We all want what we want from one another.

I think Noah would want more parts of me if he understood how they worked. I’d like to show him and I don’t know how without my wonderful foils.

Why?

It isn’t because I’m deficient in sex. 22 times so far this month. We stopped the quota and our sex life kinda exploded. After ten years of marriage that seems alright.

Why do I want to have sex with other people? Why do I want to kiss that guy from the munch? Hell, why do I want to kiss everyone?

Oxytocin, baby.

Why am I not more attracted to kissing girls?

It isn’t a lack of attraction. I just… feel completely inadequate. I have nothing of value or worth to offer so I keep my filthy hands and filthier thoughts to myself.

Why am I not afraid to kiss boys?

They don’t care that I offer nothing. This moment is enough.

Why do I want this so much?

I need to figure this out because it bothers Noah. Fuck.Shit.Fuck.Shit.

What part of it hurts him? Feeling like I am going to run off and fall in love. He’s pragmatic. He knows I love everyone. But then there is falling in love.

Will I wreck his life over my inability to control my cunt? I sure hope not. But I get why he feels fear. I would in his position.

He keeps stressing that I picked exceptionally good people to date; no one is in any way shape or form a problem. But lizard brains don’t care that I picked a good crop of friends to flirt with. Lizard brains care, “Hey. My toy is looking at someone else.” Yeah, I’m a toy. I know it. He’s mine as well so I can’t be too critical.

Why?

Because I get energy from it. I need energy so bad. I need the influx. I do get energy from Noah too. I get as much as he has to give.

Then I start huge projects and use all he has to give and feel… empty.

It’s not fair.

But it is. It happens.