I came home from my third appointment for my tattoo to an email from my brother. The text from him reads:
Here is the will you asked for and thank you for helping me make a desicion I hav been struggling with for 8 years. I have not closed the door to any of you because I wanted my kids to know there family. It is no longer benificial to them because of the behaviors I have when you guys are around.
do not attempt to contact. Emails will be deleted unread, mail will be returned to sender unopened,phone calls will be hung up on and the door will not be answered.
He was responding to an email from my sister that read:
I keep thinking about it, and regardless of dad’s opinions of me or
anyone else, I feel it’s legally irresponsible to NOT peruse his will.
Please send me a copy. A complete copy, if you will. I need to see it
for myself.
Send it to my work address as follows: (deleted for her privacy)
I know you’d rather I not see it, but legally, I not only have the right
to see it, you are required by law to deliver a copy to all direct
heirs, of which I am most definitely one. I cannot express how
upsetting it is to me that I had never even heard of the will until
recently. I may not be dad’s biggest fan, but I knew him better than
anyone. Including you. I’m sorry, but that’s a fact. Dad groomed you
to be his ace in the hole. I won’t tell you what he said about you back
then – but it wasn’t any nicer than what he said about the rest of us.
He told me you would always back him, and he’d make sure of it. You
would always be his supporter. Tommy would never be believed. For me,
he wanted me to be many things – not the least of which was his little
sex kitten. He definitely tried to include me in his “mental
conditioning” of you guys. Lol And I often wonder why I’m so fucked
up?
Send me a copy of the will Jimmy. Please. I don’t care what’s in it; I
need to see it for myself.
Sissy
The will says:
(dated 4/27/98)
Last will and testament
Even though I am not guilty the viciousness of Vivian and Kristine is more than Tom can recover from. Tom and I have desided that the quality of life is not worth living.
If my life insurance can be collected I want half to go to my son James. The other half to Trudy Russell. (My step-mom)
The rest of Tom’s trust fund and everything else I have goes to my son James. It is my wishes that nothing goes to Vivian, Kristine, or Denise.
Words fail me. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t know where any of this came from or why it was directed at me. This is why I am so fucked up. I called my brother to ask him what the hell is going on. He told me that he is angry that his sons will never know their uncle or grandfather because I wasn’t given a computer. I hung up on him. This hatred of me is why I spent so many years wanting to and trying to kill myself. How can anyone hate me this much? And my brother will teach his children to hate me and blame me too.
That’s fucked. Sounds like he’s doing you a favor by not letting you contact him. Are you sure that’s what the will actually says?
BTW, last I checked it’s illegal in California to cut your children entirely out of your will. Might want to look into that.
If what the above says is true I would take it to court and demand as part of the settlement that your brother get some counceling.
But thats just me.
HUGS
We have all been to court ordered therapy. It doesn’t seem to have helped him much.
I don’t want the money and he didn’t have much left by the time he died. It has all long-since been dispersed anyway.
The copy he sent to me was a scanned copy. That is why the spelling is so awful. (I copied it word for word and my father never could spell.)
Big giant snuggly hugs for you, baby girl.
You are a strong beautiful truthful person and the unfair, cruel words of your so called family must not be allowed to distract you from that.
You did something incredibly brave back then. For whatever reasons, your brother is unable to face the reality of what happened.
It is not your fault nor your responsibility to fix that. All of you experienced bad bad things at the hands of your father. It was his responsibility and, obviously, he failed.
I’m so sorry this was thrown at you like this. Be safe, be gentle with yourself, and know you are loved. *sending warmth and love*
Thank you
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
ugh. that felt like a kick to my stomach, so I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. I’m so sorry that family can suck this much… and you know I mean it.
Treat yourself with extra care right now, sweetheart, and remember to accept the love given to you by others. It’s hard to want or accept love sometimes when we have this shit rubbed in our faces, but it’s here for you.
Their hatred is not of you, but fear of themselves. And you’re a bright and beautiful mirror shining right back in their ugly little faces.
Yeah, more than most people who read this–you get it. It is really hard to accept the love. If my family hates me, why would anyone else want to love me? God I hate feeling this way.
If I am a mirror I don’t know what I am reflecting. I feel like all I have is doubt and fear.
It’s not that they hate you. They hate themselves. You are a reminder of what they do not want to face. And so, you are a scapegoat for all of the family problems. If they stop believing that you are terrible, the responsibility then falls on them to look at themselves and they cannot handle it one little bit.
The long and the short of it, you don’t derserve to carry around your own pain and theirs. It’s too much for anyone to handle and it’s not yours to own.
It was kind of funny talking to my mom last night in the car with Noah hearing both sides. He got to see exactly where I get a lot of my defense mechanisms and triggers. And I talk like her. That really bothers me.
There are a lot of people who well tell you that blood is a stronger bond than other kinds of relationships, but I’ve found that that is utter bullshit. Sure, they often know how to hurt us the deepest. And the pain of knowing that they’re NOT there to protect or love us can nearly kill.
But they are not the most important relationships in your life. Those who love you and actually want to protect you are the most important people in your life. Fuck blood.
Yes, you have doubt and fear. That is a normal reaction to all this. It’s a result of the abuse. We were taught to doubt ourselves and fear the world around us.
The reflection you show is the monster that they are. The only reason he doesn’t want contact with you is because he can’t stand the reminders of the evil things he did. He’s a coward and he is threatened by the power you hold and have shown that you are willing to use. I can tell you right now, he’s scared shitless of you. And he ought to be.
You are so strong, my love. I know that you keep hearing that, and I’m sure every inch of your being is fighting actually accepting that right now. But you are strong. You have fought to be where you are today and you will continue to fight. It’s in your nature. We are survivors. We have lived through the worst of it and yeah, it sucks that we have to deal with the residuals, but it’s nothing we can’t handle.
He has made his choices and he will suffer the consequences. Perhaps not today, perhaps not anytime soon, or even in this lifetime (although I doubt that.. something tells me he’s already suffering). But this will continue to come back to haunt him threefold.
As for what your father had to say in his will, fuck him. He obviously never wanted to be there for you or love you the way you deserved to have been loved and cared for. And that was just his way of continuing to do that. He was never truly a father and he never will be. He lost that privledge a LONG time ago and he too suffered the consequences, and wherever he is, will continue to suffer.
Hate, especially from blood family, threatens to rip us up inside. But what they don’t understand is that their hate only serves to make us stronger and them weaker. Just imagine what kind of coward you have to be to resort to hate and violence. The schoolyard bully is often the most lonely and scared.
You can do this. I believe in you.
Isn’t it funny how we can explain this to someone we love and believe it with all of our hearts and it is so much harder to believe it about ourself? I hear your words and on some level I totally believe them. But it still cuts me through like a knife. I don’t know how to stop letting them have power over me. That is something I constantly battle with. How do I keep from giving people power over me that they don’t deserve? I feel so incredibly weak in this way.
On one hand I feel very sad and desperate and afraid because I don’t know what to do. On the other hand–I know what I will do. I will get up every day. I will work hard at my job and my relationships. I will continue to love and appreciate my friends. I will keep seeing my therapist. I will keep working to control my temper and figure out constructive and reasonable ways to deal with frustration and anger. I will take every day as it comes and I will cry sometimes and I will laugh much more often.
Cause you have to. There isn’t really a choice.
Wow. Um… just wow.
*hugz*
I sit here overwhelmed by the magnitude of this. I wish I could take the hurt away. You deserve better.
Thank you honey. I wish you could take it away too. *hugs*