Category Archives: cryptic shit

Patterns

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Today I am waking up to think about when my sister came over to my house for Thanksgiving after I got married. I provided all of the food. It was the fourth or so holiday I had provided for my entire extended family by the time I was 25. She was going on 40 and had never provided a holiday meal for anyone.

She sat at my table eating the food I provided and loudly and obnoxiously told me about how when our aunt dies she is going to have to be the matriarch because no one in the family other than her is competent.

The staggering contempt in her words, the lack of awareness of our relative levels of competence to provide support (I paid for her children to go to college because she could not).  She asked me to buy her a house so that she could allow me to rent a room from her.

Somehow I invite this kind of behavior and I don’t understand what I do that causes people to feel that showing contempt for me is acceptable.

I’m thinking really hard about this pattern today.

Deep in my feels.

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If you write about yourself you open yourself up for people interpreting your words however they want. Throwing them back at you however they want.

It’s a lot safer not to think about your behavior. It’s a lot safer not to write about your screw ups. Then you get to pretend you are awesome and you are always right.

It is hard being willing to admit that you fuck up, and not just “Yes of course everyone makes mistakes get over it” but “Oh dear me yes I screw up and let me list all of the ways and then go on to list everything I am trying to do to stop screwing up like that so I can instead make new mistakes.”

Vulnerability is a bitch.

People can love you and still be cruel to you. People judge each other left, right, and center. But what kinds of judgments are equivalent and what kinds are really awful?

What do you let into your life? When do you decide to change patterns? What is enough of a motivation? I don’t know.

I am so tired. I feel really sad and scared. I am not going to blog about all of why. I don’t feel safe enough to do so. I don’t want to face the consequences because I am a fucking chicken shit. So instead I ruminate and make no progress. Walking on eggshells, indeed.

25,040 words and counting.

chrysalis

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Sometimes you need to withdraw in order to change. We are approaching a new life. A new approach to almost everything.

You can either change or you can wither and die.

One of my friends told me that having children right now seems stupid because the future is so bleak. I said that having children is one of the greatest acts of hope that a person can engage in. Will the future have big problems? Yes. But I think that I can help make people who can help solve problems.

Hubris? Maybe.

Defiance? Absolutely.

Oh goody.

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I’m researching California’s anti-SLAPP laws. I’m looking forward to a rollicking good time. I’ve got money. I’m about done with the remodel so I’ll have time.

Let’s go, motherfucker.

“How would she know who is reading her blog?” It’s called site statistics you dimwitted ass wipe. You live in god damn silicon valley. Talk to a techie about how to know who is hitting your website you dumb fuck.

I’m out of patience now.

Welcome to America you asshole. Here I get to share my experiences.

The thing about things

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I am hanging out on Pinterest because I’m building vision boards for the new house. I won’t buy 99.9% of the stuff I’m pinning. That’s not the point.

I’m trying to not think about all the things I can’t control. My friendships. My kids. How fast the visa process happens. Whether Noah gets to keep this (ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AMAZING) job. The things I can’t control are kind of cock blocking the things I can control. I can’t make a whole series of plans until some stuff moves that is out of my hands. Like getting an actual quote for moving our shit.

I have a whole bunch of potential quotes in my inbox about shipping right now. I genuinely can’t go respond to them. I will cry. I don’t want to cry right now.

And I’m on day 29? of my cycle so hormones are fun and all that.

It will all get done. Mostly I’ve been hanging together with pluck and good cheer. Tonight… I stress.

But there are an awful lot of things I will never say. I shouldn’t even think about them.

Sleeping pill kicked in.

And the wave breaks.

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It is interesting seeing what things make me angry. What things make my anger seep through my entire body and poison everything in my life.

Broken promises are a big thing. If someone says they will do something and they don’t… I get more and more angry. If I am then told that my anger is the reason for the broken promises and everything is all my fault? That makes me more angry. It becomes a cycle.

And all of a sudden all of the promises are broken and I’m not waiting anymore? Oh. Oh yeah. This is what it feels like in my body to no longer be looking for those promises to be kept.

Ok.

Just keep moving. Nothing to be angry about. No point in caring. None of those needs will be met. Just shut up and keep moving. There is nothing to be angry about. There is nothing to notice or care about.

Just keep moving. Don’t ask anyone for anything, no matter how much they encourage you to depend on them. They didn’t really mean it anyway. They meant, “Ask me to do things that are not important or serious because I will do it when or if I feel like it not when you need it.” Ok.

Why do I worry more about your feelings than mine? I do. It’s a big problem. Then I get angry because the reverse doesn’t happen and I’ve hurt myself for nothing.

I know that a lot of this is my fault. I believe people when they tell me to lean on them. I shouldn’t.

And of course there is a parting shot about how I’m a bad parent. That’s as predictable as the sun coming up.

Well that fucking sucks.

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I’ve been hanging out on a private forum dealing with my emotions in a way that won’t blow up my life. But someone keeps hurting the woman who was hosting it because people are spiteful, disgusting assholes. So the forum is gone.

I feel really upset. I was getting a lot of good out of talking to those women.

I don’t know what to do now. There’s a lot I need to write out/think out and writing it here…

Yeah. I’m not ready to blow up bridges yet.

There are days…

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There are days when children are jumping up and down and screaming as loud as they can PLEASE BEAT ME. IT WOULD BE SUCH A WONDERFUL IDEA.

Nevertheless we continue to not beat the children.

In that way I have of not wanting to humiliate the children but also wanting to document things for myself let me vaguely say: it was a high crime day.

I need some god damn sleep. I’m mad at my shrink for being so against pot that she thinks me running on 3 -4 hours of sleep for weeks is just fine and I should keep it up.

Today is the kind of day that lets me know I have to deal with some of my biggest issues whether I have a boy child or not.

It’s not only men and boys who hurt people.

I love my children. Sometimes I am spectacularly unimpressed with their behavior.

See, I’m not a perfect mother and I’m not raising perfect children. I’m an asshole raising… uhhh I probably shouldn’t say that.

But I’m just sayin’.

My choices wouldn’t work for other people because other people aren’t broken in the ways I am. They don’t need the same structure.

I am amazed at what y’all do without the rigorous scaffolding I build for myself… and I still fuck up. This much extra time and work still is not producing the best ever results.

I’m not sure what that even means.

There were patterns I wanted to change.

I don’t get to control other people. I can only pray that I influence.

No matter how many times I tell myself I am… I’m not the boss of you. You are. You reminded me today.