Today I am waking up to think about when my sister came over to my house for Thanksgiving after I got married. I provided all of the food. It was the fourth or so holiday I had provided for my entire extended family by the time I was 25. She was going on 40 and had never provided a holiday meal for anyone.

She sat at my table eating the food I provided and loudly and obnoxiously told me about how when our aunt dies she is going to have to be the matriarch because no one in the family other than her is competent.

The staggering contempt in her words, the lack of awareness of our relative levels of competence to provide support (I paid for her children to go to college because she could not).  She asked me to buy her a house so that she could allow me to rent a room from her.

Somehow I invite this kind of behavior and I don’t understand what I do that causes people to feel that showing contempt for me is acceptable.

I’m thinking really hard about this pattern today.

Sometimes you need to withdraw in order to change. We are approaching a new life. A new approach to almost everything.

You can either change or you can wither and die.

One of my friends told me that having children right now seems stupid because the future is so bleak. I said that having children is one of the greatest acts of hope that a person can engage in. Will the future have big problems? Yes. But I think that I can help make people who can help solve problems.

Hubris? Maybe.

Defiance? Absolutely.

I’m researching California’s anti-SLAPP laws. I’m looking forward to a rollicking good time. I’ve got money. I’m about done with the remodel so I’ll have time.

Let’s go, motherfucker.

“How would she know who is reading her blog?” It’s called site statistics you dimwitted ass wipe. You live in god damn silicon valley. Talk to a techie about how to know who is hitting your website you dumb fuck.

I’m out of patience now.

Welcome to America you asshole. Here I get to share my experiences.

I CAN’T TELL YOU ANY OF THESE DETAILS BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT THINGS ARE HAPPENING.

THINGS ARE HAPPENING.

Because I’m stupid. That’s why.

Thank you

Finding the pieces will take a while.

I’m not a whizz at this. And you are in so deep.

This is gonna suck. Extracting the need for you is going to be harder than my mother.

You were around more.

Until you weren’t.

It is interesting seeing what things make me angry. What things make my anger seep through my entire body and poison everything in my life.

Broken promises are a big thing. If someone says they will do something and they don’t… I get more and more angry. If I am then told that my anger is the reason for the broken promises and everything is all my fault? That makes me more angry. It becomes a cycle.

And all of a sudden all of the promises are broken and I’m not waiting anymore? Oh. Oh yeah. This is what it feels like in my body to no longer be looking for those promises to be kept.

Ok.

Just keep moving. Nothing to be angry about. No point in caring. None of those needs will be met. Just shut up and keep moving. There is nothing to be angry about. There is nothing to notice or care about.

Just keep moving. Don’t ask anyone for anything, no matter how much they encourage you to depend on them. They didn’t really mean it anyway. They meant, “Ask me to do things that are not important or serious because I will do it when or if I feel like it not when you need it.” Ok.

Why do I worry more about your feelings than mine? I do. It’s a big problem. Then I get angry because the reverse doesn’t happen and I’ve hurt myself for nothing.

I know that a lot of this is my fault. I believe people when they tell me to lean on them. I shouldn’t.

And of course there is a parting shot about how I’m a bad parent. That’s as predictable as the sun coming up.

THIS IS WHY OLD PEOPLE KNOW BETTER THAN TO BLOW UP ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS IMMEDIATELY.

whoa.

That’s….

whoa.

“Don’t feel bad about saying no to takers.”

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO SAY TO THIS. ALL OF THEM HAVE CONSEQUENCES.

That thing that the lady was doing in Alaska? I hate it when anyone does it.

Yup. Still hate that.

I support you in making decisions you need to make.

I just saw something that makes me want to break ALL THE THINGS. I want to be hostile and nasty to someone I love very much because that just makes me so god damn angry.

Ok. A good day to not post on the internet.

My life is just bouncing like a ball. I don’t even know what that was. Holy tomato.

Squishy.