John 6:51 I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.

I’m not enjoying the experience of writing about what it was like to grow up in an incestuous family so I’m going to take a break to think about something more pleasant since I did 2,000 words today.  So I’m going to write about Occupy.

The only thing we have to give in this world is our energy.  Our devotion.  Our time.  Our resources.  Something that people don’t understand is that time has nearly as much utility as money.  If you go and perform labor that makes someone else’s life better… you have done a better thing than just handing them money.  I don’t mean Volunteer!  I mean, what the fuck are you doing with your life.  How are you working towards being part of a better system?  How are you speaking up when you feel compelled?  How are you putting your direct democratic self forward?  What the fuck are you doing with your time?

Surviving.  That’s what people are doing.  Because we have a weird closed system where everyone is struggling to meet their own needs.  It’s nearly impossible to do.  How do we find more to give…give..give.  Everyone is on empty.  I’m at a stage of my life I have to ask for help a lot.  It feels really humiliating.  My children require adult companionship 24 hours a day.  That’s honestly kind of intense pressure.  We don’t have families.  Well, we don’t have anyone local.  I have nothing.  I don’t know what Noah has.  That’s kind of between them.

It’s between them because I don’t seem to be able to do the family thing on any terms other than my own.  That’s sad for everyone involved.  I’m sorry for it.  But I really can’t.  So much for an intensity break.  This writing is hard.  I don’t want to talk about the earliest reasons I am so very fucked up.  It hurts.  I don’t want people to know how I was treated because then they will look at me differently.  I feel so very dirty.  I feel like that monster ripped out my soul and filled the cavity with tar.  I will forever tarnish everything I touch.

Fuck him.  I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.  I have things to give.  I have resources.  I have myself.  I have my time.  I have my energy.  I share it in many different ways.  I want to make other peoples lives better.  I want to be 80 and know that millions of people have been made better by my existence.  Maybe then I will believe that my soul is not black.