Category Archives: health

Good day

1 Reply

I clean my back yard like many people go to church: for Christmas and Easter. Today, I did some pruning/cleaning and … the kids did more. Holy moly they are getting so big and competent! We were done with all the yard work by ten in the morning.

Physically I feel pretty ok today. That’s nice. I’ve been talking to the kids about pacing the work today so we can rest/go to bed early tonight so we have energy for tomorrow.

Emotionally I feel like today is the best day I’ve had in weeks. That makes me worry that tomorrow I will wake up sobbing and have to drug myself into oblivion to get through the party. Burn that bridge when you get there.

Today the main feeling of sadness I have is that I’m not protesting more right now. I believe it is the right thing for people to be doing. Historically speaking, if you aren’t on the side of being upset about the things happening in our country you are on the wrong side.

But I don’t have the spoons. I’m donating money for funeral costs. I feel sad that I have nothing better to give.

I’m thinking about what I “should” write about my experiences with Kaiser. Haven’t started writing yet.

Today I’m interviewing babysitters. We’ll see if anyone pans out. *Cross fingers* Hell, at this point I may do a cartwheel if someone shows up.

My kids are more competent by the day. I’m getting through the chores I want to get done. When the kids finish eating (they are bottomless pits today) we are going to mail Jenny and Little Djinn’s presents. I’ll also drop off most of the Christmas cards (the ones *I’m* sending; the kids haven’t finished theirs yet).

Aunt Sarah–we have no address for you. I should email you. I will try to get around to it. I am such a fucking schmuck.

I’m kind of surprised that my attitude is positive today. I’m eating rice and turkey and chicken. whoo hoo. You know what? If you put enough dijon mustard on something it tastes alright. It’s just a couple of days. And I get to have soda. (Even though carbonation is awful. I need calories and if apple juice is supposed to be a lot of my form of calories soda isn’t that much worse.) I had ginger ale. swoon with joy

And I pooped today. Like, normal poop. I really think eggs are a bigger problem than wheat or dairy. Even though the last doctor I talked to said it wasn’t possible. After all, she’s a doctor–she knows everything.

Ok that’s my snark for today. Off to post!

(Actually, before I run off: I sorta wonder how much my happiness is tied to the fact that the kids are exponentially more helpful than they were. Hmmm.)

Days 44-48

Leave a reply

44 was Thanksgiving-

Brekkie: rice Chex, rice milk, peppermint tea (Took: woo vitamins and probiotics)

Lunch: gf bread, soy cream cheese, cucumber (this was surprisingly good), of course with some dill, tea, milk, sugar

Dinner: turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots, Brussels sprouts, “gravy”, apple pie, cherry lemonade, cranberry dressing, cornbread (everything was gluten/dairy free)

4:30a- diarrhea

7pm- solid pieces, brown, floating, no log

11pm- no big log, solid pieces, brown, floating

45- Brekkie: gf scones, scrambled eggs, tea, milk, sugar (took all the woo + probiotic)

Lunch: pop corn, turkey, gf bread, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, mustard

Dinner: turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce

7am- brown, lots of bits of undigested veggies, many pieces, semi-firm, floating

4:15p-brown, floaters, smallish solid pieces

46- Brekkie: egg crepes with almond milk, gf flour, strawberries, blueberries, brown sugar, apples

Lunch: 1/2 meat pie (with gluten and dairy), chicken, beef, peas, sugar, cinnamon, almonds

Dinner: turkey soup (turkey, turkey stock, bok choy, peas, broccoli, salt, pepper)

8:30am- solid brown log

47- Brekkie: gf pancakes, apple, scrambled eggs, piece of peanut butter log (piece of medicated chocolate, contains milk)

Lunch: turkey, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, Brussels sprouts

Dinner: egg crepe, bison, green beans, cabbage, almond milk, gf flour

3:15am- LOTS of brown poop. Softish, many small pieces

48- Brekkie: gf pancakes, blueberries, almond milk, maple syrup

Lunch: turkey soup, corn bread, apple juice

Dinner: turkey, cornbread, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green beans, Brussels sprouts, carrots, gf cookies

6am- very solid brown log

10:15am- diarrhea. completely and totally liquid diarrhea.

 

 

I added eggs back because a doctor taunted me and told me that eggs couldn’t possibly be causing my diarrhea. I added eggs and all of a sudden I have way more diarrhea. I hate doctors so much.

Days 41-43

Leave a reply

I’m having a hard time updating this every day as time goes on. I’m feeling guilty and bad. I’m cheating on the diet because it is cheat on the rules or scream and scream and scream and scream. I don’t have a limit-less amount of self control.

41- Breakfast: gf pancakes, blueberries, black tea, rice milk, sugar, maple syrup

Lunch: ramen

Dinner: rice, ground beef, carrots, Brussels sprout (singular–the leftover), sweet potato, maple syrup

2pm- hard brown poop

42- Brekkie: regular scones, Devon cream, vanilla curd (holy trinity of wheat, dairy, and eggs right there), peppermint tea, turkey bacon

Lunch: Krispy Kreme Donut and hot chocolate. Don’t judge.

Dinner: steak, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes

2:30am- completely solid, brown poop

5:30am- less solid, more like tooth paste, multiple pieces

At 3pm I got a call from Fremont PD asking me if I was a danger to society. Cue major anxiety spike. As we were driving to Kaiser. Awesome.

3:30pm- multiple pieces, brown, floaty

5pm- diarrhea

7pm- diarrhea (plenty for a stool sample for Kaiser)

43- Brekkie: hot rice cereal cooked into fritters with gf flour, maple syrup, and scrambled eggs

Lunch: rice, beef short ribs

Dinner: PF Chang’s g.f. menu. noodles, fried rice, chicken, beef, lettuce scallions, egg drop soup, broccoli, lemon, carrots, scallions, and there was shrimp I didn’t eat. GF soy sauce and pot sticker sauce. No dairy.

5:30am- poop, many pieces, soft, not diarrhea

2pm- brown, very solid.

 

And that’s caught up. Today is Thanksgiving. Have a good day.

I hate Kaiser.

2 Replies

So yesterday when I walked out of the GI department I was very angry. I was cursing and calling people (not the ones sitting behind the desk–my absent doctor) names. The GI department decided that the way to handle this was to call the police and report a threat. When I said, “I don’t need a card for the appointment I wrote down the date” apparently the woman heard, “I’m going to go stab my doctor.” That’s what she told the police I said.

I am incredibly upset about this. Holy. Fucking. Shit. On the upside, the police officer I had a long chat with told me that Kaiser does this.

Also, I got home to an email telling me that they are assigning me a case manager for “quality of care” reasons. I’m feeling scared. I don’t know if this case manager is going to exist to help me get medical treatment or help Kaiser keep me from being a problem.

In the past week Kaiser failed to call me for a phone appointment, failed to give me mandatory instructions for a major appointment (I mean SEVEN DAYS of prerequisites), and they called the cops on me. I am feeling so upset I have no words. I hate Kaiser. I hate Kaiser so so so so so so so so so much right now.

The doctor I saw tonight was not a friendly lady. It seemed as though she was very impatient with my shenanigans. Which bugs me. She told me to take wheat and dairy back out and don’t put them back in for another two months. Oh god. She said there is no point in restricting anything else. I feel… mixed.

They took a whole bunch of blood (six tubes!), I gave a urine sample, and they sent me home with stool collecting materials. Oh this should be fun. I’m actually thrilled this data will be there before the big GI testing that will be done on the 8th.

As I talked to the doctor today I complained about a previous plan of attack for a problem she said, “Well that is our system” and I said, “Yes but I am an individual human being and individuals rarely perfectly fit systems.” She shrugged. She is not my new GP. I’m happy about that. She’s just the person who was there today.

I’m still drinking pedialyte. They didn’t give a shit about my dehydration. My friends are freaking out. They actually look at me as time passes and they aren’t liking what they see.

The doctor told me that since I gained 30 lbs in the last year losing 20 lbs in the last two months is totally fine.

Oh really? I… Oh man. Really?

After all, a year ago they thought I was too fat. Now I’m really too fat. They don’t think rapid weight loss could be a bad thing.

I don’t care about 5 lbs up or down in a month. I really don’t. 10 lbs in a month is a lot. When I’m trying to eat as much food as I can hold and I’m *still* dropping weight like that? It seems concerning. That I gain weight when I stop exercising makes sense. That I lose weight precipitously when I’m not exercising seems more problematic. When I’m training for a marathon I lose weight and it makes sense. I don’t complain.

This isn’t that.

My urinalysis is already back. I’m very normal.

I just… can’t seem to stop feeling pain. I’m sure it is all my fault because I’m crazy. If I would just shut up everything would be fine.

 

Today is a loss.

4 Replies

My doctors appointment didn’t happen and otherwise I’ve mostly been reading. When I stop reading I get cranky and pissy and my tone of voice sucks and I sound like a bitch. I feel guilty that when I apologize for my tone (which I’m doing every 2.4 minutes) Shanna says, “Mom you are only grumpy because your body doesn’t feel good. Soon you will get through the elimination diet and you will feel better. It’s ok.”

I don’t feel deserving of their patience or love. Never the less, Shanna has oceans of love and patience to give.

I feel confused and out of sorts and anxious. I feel like I don’t know what to do or when to do it.

For this week my plans are getting cancelled. I will choose to not get upset because I’m all out of fucks to give. We are supposed to show up to help decorate the Christmas tree at Christmas in the park Wednesday after my dentist appointment. I suspect that I will bail on the park tomorrow and I may bail on the Friday evening event (seeing Christmas in the park get all lit up). If I stay home for those two events then I have way more down time this week. I feel like I’ve been mostly having down time lately. Some day I will be less sick.

In the mean time, I’m prepared to say that I’m not allergic to milk nor wheat. I’ve eaten some of both over the past week. A fair bit. And chocolate. I had a lot of milk and chocolate yesterday. I’ve pooped normally for 4 out of the previous 5 days. I choose to believe that milk and wheat are cleared now. THANK GOD.

This is good and bad. I’ve been cutting wheat, dairy, fatty meats, corn, garlic/onion, sometimes nightshades (mostly not), eggs, and anything else gluten contaminated.

At this point I’ve tested everything but corn. I don’t suspect an allergy to corn. I’ve had normal poop after wheat, dairy, fatty meat, eggs, garlic/onion, and nightshades.

So where in the fuck does this leave me? I’m clearing up the diarrhea and I’m slowly adding things back in and…. I still don’t know if it is all in my head. It is really looking like I don’t have an allergy I have too much anxiety. Which is something I was terrified of finding out from the beginning. Because if all of my diarrhea is caused by anxiety and not food… that’s quite a circle to get into. Then the diarrhea is all my fault because I have anxiety. I’m sure someone more rational could find a way out of that cycle that doesn’t sound like, “Then I guess I should die” but I’m not that person.

I’m really god damn struggling with suicidal ideation. I’m struggling with how much I’m bouncing up and down emotionally. It is hard to hurt this much. It doesn’t help that I feel like a whiny baby. My life isn’t hard. It really isn’t. I don’t have the right to complain so much.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Fucking whine. Whine. WHINE!

I can’t even go for a run because my MOTHERFUCKING ANKLE HURTS. (Really I shouldn’t run until my weight stabilizes. One of my friends [one of the few who frequently sees me naked] commented that my weight loss is becoming really apparent. Not with the additional exercise.)

I haven’t cut myself. I haven’t had alcohol. I did medicate more severely than I have in a while. Whoa. Right now it feels like self-care.

I don’t know why I’m pooping normally right now and I don’t usually. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I find this all very frustrating. I feel terrible. BUT I CAN POOP!

I couldn’t make this shit up.

Leave a reply

I went to Kaiser. Her first question at registration: “Did you follow all the instructions?”

“What instructions?”

You can see where this will go. I didn’t have an appointment today. I will have one in two weeks. When I will be able to know in advance that I shouldn’t have Motrin for 7 days (totally broke that one) I will know that I shouldn’t eat fruits and vegetables or any other high fiber food for 3 days (broke the shit out of that rule) and I will give myself multiple enemas.

Kind of a lot of instructions to just not give me.

I sent my primary care physician an email telling him that I am very angry that I was given no instructions and I want a new primary care physician.

I don’t feel good. And now I just got a big fat middle finger from the idea of figuring out why I don’t feel good. This is my life. I am so angry. I feel yucky. I have had more solid poop, but I have a lot of abdominal discomfort. I have a lot of general pain right now. (No Motrin for SEVEN days? This is going to be really awful.)

Can’t I just cut myself and move on with my life? Why am I looking for “professional help” again? How is this helping? I am not a happy camper. I hate doctors. I hate doctors. I hate doctors. They don’t god damn help. And they perfect that sanctimonious “I know more than you” smile as they DON’T FUCKING HELP. I hate doctors so much. So so so so so so so so so so so so much. They don’t help. But they have a high sense of their own importance. Haven’t ever met a doctor without an ego problem.

I am so angry. So angry. Oh well.

Doesn’t matter.

Days 37-40 Progress!

Leave a reply

I’m getting lazy about moving my tracking from my poop book to here.

37- Brekkie: gf pancakes, apples, apple/chicken sausage, maple syrup

Lunch: rice, lamb

Dinner: venison meatloaf (venison, carrot, Worchestershire sauce, mashed potatoes made with ghee, carrot, bell pepper, mustard, ketchup, salt, pepper), brussels sprouts

Dessert: peanut butter cookie, blueberry sorbet

10:30am- solid, formed, yellow poop

38- Brekkie: gf pancakes, apples, blueberry syrup, maple syrup, peppermint tea

Lunch: gf English muffin, mustard, turkey lunchmeat, soy cheese, grape juice

Pedialyte

Dinner: meatloaf, brussels sprouts, sweet potato, mashed, maple, sugar, sparkling apple juice

noonish- long, thin, mostly formed, felt very solid but looked like toothpaste

39- Brekkie: fried potato, ketchup, turkey lunch meat, peppermint tea

Lunch: steak, garlic mashed potatoes (with milk! Big test item!), salad, cheese, cucumber, honey-mustard dressing

Dinner: stuffed peppers (beef, rice, carrot)

Dessert: rice pudding

2:15pm- solid, brown

4:15- solid-ish, toothpaste-like, brown, but a little green

40- Brekkie: rice Chex, rice milk, pork bacon, chocolate croissant (big test item), hot cocolate (made with milk, big test item)

Lunch: Thai food! pad see ewe (with egg-so a test item), rice, yellow curry, a Thai samosa,

Dinner: spare ribs, rice

6:45am- solid poop, very brown, hard to wipe up

1:45pm- solid poop, brown, not super hard

3:45pm- small pieces, yellow, softish

Day 36

Leave a reply

I don’t know how this is going.

Brekkie: hot rice cereal (that I made wrong the day before) fried into fritters with olive oil and maple syrup.This was surprisingly tasty. Noah added some gf flour mix.

Lunch: ramen

Dinner: risotto, sparkling apple juice

4:45am- lots of dark brown very soft diarrhea

9:15am- slightly shaped, light yellow/brown

6:15pm- bright yellow diarrhea

 

Today it is formed. Which means that the ramen didn’t completely fubar me. I don’t know what is up with my body. Does this mean milk is a no? AHHHH.

Woo doctor said I’m allergic to bananas but apples are fine. Which is the reverse of what I’ve been doing for over five weeks now. Shit.

Day 35

2 Replies

Brekkie: hot rice cereal with sugar and milk. I also had black tea with sugar and milk. This is a “test cow milk day”.

Lunch: lamb, mashed potatoes (ghee only), one lonely carrot. More tea with milk!

Dinner: beef soup with homemade stock, bok choy, cabbage, and carrots.

Dessert: peanut butter cookies (made with just sugar and no flour)

 

3:30am: huge cloud of soft greenish poop

7am: more greenish soft cloud. Wow I feel empty.

All the woo

1 Reply

Went back to see the woo doctor today. We have officially “treated” so I am “clear” on: eggs, dairy, sugars, grains, msg, oils/fats, and my stomach acids.

We have “treated” but I’m not yet “clear” on: yeast, herbs (cilantro and garlic), nuts, and digestive enzymes.

As far as he is concerned, I should avoid the stuff he treated today for another 24 hours then I can go to town. He says I can start wheat and dairy today.

I’m having feelings. Worries. Concerns.

Still left to treat are: chocolate, corn, fruits, pollens, grasses, weeds, blood components, my own hormones (doesn’t shock me that I might have problems there), neurotransmitters, vitamins, temperature stimuli…

Oh the festivity continues. But I’m eating rice pudding so my life isn’t all bad.

Day 32

Leave a reply

Breakfast: gf pancakes, maple syrup, potatoes, turkey bacon

Lunch: rice pudding made with arborio rice, rice milk, maple syrup, nutmeg, cinnamon

Dinner: lamb shank with olive oil, ghee, rosemary, sage, carrots, plus potatoes (with more ghee–you can make a reasonable mashed potato this way), brussels sprouts (the brussels sprouts were my favorite part of dinner–wacky.)

Dessert: blueberry sorbet and a gf peanut butter cookie. Because my husband loves me.

1:45pm- poop, solid, very dark brown, multiple hard pieces

6pm- long, thin, tooth paste-like.

Given that I’ve eaten it a couple of days in a row I’m going to add tomatoes to my “ok” list due to lack of reaction. Really I should update the list because it is longer now.

Good list:

rice, turkey, venison, lamb, chicken, sweet potato, carrots, cabbage, celery, bok choy, bell peppers, tomato, potato, brussels sprouts, broccoli, green beans, maple syrup, peanut butter, ghee, olive oil, banana, blueberries, grapes, cinnamon, sage, rosemary, nutmeg, basil, bay

Know for certain that these things are totally ok.

Maybe list:

pineapple, raspberry?

Bad list:

eggs, carbonation

I am of the opinion that I shouldn’t test any new food on Monday. I think I should wait until Tuesday. I’m trying to decide what to test next. I’m sort of wondering if I should test garlic next. If I *knew* one way or another about garlic it would make a lot of choices easier. It is shocking how hard it is to get food without garlic in it. If I can have garlic all of a sudden a whole new world of processed foods open up to me.

I think garlic might be harder to avoid than gluten or dairy or corn. Which feels wacky. I see the woo-Doctor on Monday. Maybe he will say that I am supposedly “all over” my gluten and dairy issues. That would be nice.

Mom guilt

Leave a reply

I’ve been pretty sick this week. I dislike the fact that I have spent a lot of the time I’ve been sick beating myself up for being lazy. Uhm, I’m not lazy I’m sick. It happens. But it feels like it isn’t actually ok. And it has dragged on so long that whatever amount of “slack” I sort of grant myself is expired. Just stop whining already.

But man I’ve been sick. I’m waiting to see if I’m going to get better soon. I barely left the house this week. I collapsed when I got home from Hawaii and I’ve barely done anything since. Some laundry. Swept the floor. Grocery shopping. Not much.

I want to feel better but I don’t know how. I persevere on the elimination diet because I want to figure out the problems with my intestinal tract. I don’t feel better yet. I feel terrible. I don’t think I’m eating diverse enough calories. The lamb was alright, but it would have been good with garlic or ketchup. Sigh. I’m really not doing well at diverse calories right now.

When I decided to get started on this diet I thought it would take maybe a month. Now that I’m on day 33 I think this is going to take months. Ew. Ew. Ew.

But! It would be super nice to go on the road trip next year without diarrhea. I need to feel better. Somehow.

Day 31

2 Replies

Breakfast: rice cereal, rice milk, banana, maple syrup

Snack: peppermint tea, gf English muffin, raspberry jam

Lunch: turkey lunch meat, blueberries

Dinner: gf pasta, tomato sauce, soy cheese

6:45am- poop! Solid! a log!!

6:45pm- poop! Solid! a log! (greenish)

9:20pm- mostly solid, paste-like

Ok. This is good news. A full day of solid poop. I think I should try to have two or three days of poop before I experiment with food. Although I did add tomato tonight when I haven’t had tomato in a while. So maybe I have already experimented. And I had way more soy today than usual. Mmmm soy cheese.

Tomorrow shouldn’t be a lot of variation. Rice, get the damn lamb shanks in to cook promptly. Make more chicken stock so Noah can make risotto. Mmm chicken feet.

I feel like it would be better for humanity if I was locked in a closet for a few months. I’m just not very nice.

Tonight I made two pizzas. One regular one that I totally couldn’t eat. Then I made a gf pizza with soy cheese and I left off the pineapple and… It seemed ready to go. Then I was fucking brilliant enough to read the ingredient label. Eggs. Shit, shit, double shit. Eggs very clearly cause massive diarrhea. I’m not up for that tomorrow. So then I had to cook a third god damn dinner.

My attitude sucks. I hate food so much. I feel so sad and so bitter and …. man food sucks. I need to keep going with the experiment, because every piece of data I gather is useful but my attitude sucks. It doesn’t help that I’ve felt bad for a long time. But the whiny reason isn’t that important. My attitude sucks.

Day 30

2 Replies

Breakfast: gf pancakes, blueberries, banana, maple syrup, peanut butter, grape juice, peppermint tea

Lunch and dinner: chicken soup

Dessert: almond milk ice cream (toffee flavor), err just a few bites. I’ve been working on the singular pint for a month now and it is only half gone.

2:45pm- solid, brownish/greenish, smooth, nearly a log. paste-like.

Today I am going to need to cook some lamb. I need a change from chicken and turkey. I feel like I am starting to go nutty because all of the sauce-type-things I use with meat seem to involve garlic and/or onions so I am not supposed to eat any of it right now. Dry meat is hard to chew and swallow. Even in soup meat is feeling dry and bleh. I want some flavor. Damnit.

Food is feeling really hard. But for the chance at less diarrhea… I have to keep trying. I’d like to have my butt stop hurting.

Days 28-29

Leave a reply

28-

Breakfast: puffed rice cereal, rice milk, pork bacon

Lunch: rice, soy sauce, grapes

Dinner: rice, turkey, broccoli, sweet potato (with maple syrup and brown sugar), grape juice

12:45pm- diarrhea

11:45pm- diarrhea

29-

Breakfast: fried potato, turkey lunch meat

Lunch: rice, broccoli, soy sauce, grape juice

Dinner: chicken stock, chicken, cabbage, bok choy, carrots, gf pasta into “soup” 🙂 (Thanks Noah!)

7:15pm- green, paste-like, semi-formed

 

I slept for about 12 hours last night. I have already taken a nap today. I’m not feeling better.

Or I’ll cancel plans.

6 Replies

Today hasn’t been a great day for my health. I started out the day by passing out/collapsing in the bathroom. I tried to stand up from using the toilet and woke up I have no idea how long later with my head wedged in the corner between the bath tub and the wall because I fell forward. I’m lucky I didn’t slam my face.

I slept through a lot of the day. The kids woke me up as necessary but mostly I was unconscious.

I feel so bad.

Health inventory

Leave a reply

I am feeling excessively whiny. I am hoping that if I record the full whine I can stop repeating bits of it to Noah and anyone else who will listen. It is hard to not talk about it even though I know it annoys people to hear about.

Starting at the top, because I often do that. Head hurts. I have a headache in the forehead part of my skull. I have a raging headache in the back of my skull where I have my usual minor headache caused by looking down too much. I have a fractured tooth and that isn’t feeling good. I get a crown in just over two weeks. My TMJ (yes, this one has a real diagnosis from a real doctor) is acting up like mad and both sides of my jaw hurt like crazy. I’ve clearly been clenching and fighting the clenching and that makes me ache something fierce. I also have a ton of sinus pressure and I feel like I have a cold.

My neck hurts. The muscles supporting my skull are all corded with knots.

My shoulders and arms hurt really badly. Surfing was a lot of very unfamiliar motion and even moving my arms hurts. I can feel a lot of knots I’m not used to having. My range of motion is impacted. Surfing was fun but very hard. Luckily my forearms aren’t as painful as usual. (I’ll thank my lucky stars for that one.) I’m having a lot of general joint pain (I include the TMJ with that) and my shoulders/elbows/wrists/finger joints are all painful. It isn’t my normal “typing fucks me up” pain–it’s different.

My chest and upper back feel sore, like I was punched a lot. (And yes, I do know what it feels like to be punched a lot.) My abdominal muscles right below my ribs are still so sensitive that gentle touching hurts. Luckily the pain has come down a few notches and I will no longer scream if the kids idly brush me. *phew*

Then we get into the intestine region of the torso. Oh holy hell. It is improving! That’s a great thing. After the plane ride just about anything would be an improvement. I feel tender and sore. My lower back aches really badly, but I’m used to that. It spiked into much more intense pain when I was bleeding last week thanks to cramping but it isn’t as bad now. *phew* But my belly region is very uncomfortable and sad.

My hips hurt. My hips hurt so much. My thighs hurt. My knees hurt. My calves hurt. My ankles hurt. Seriously, my ankle hurts so fucking much I can’t sit cross legged. My feet are sore and tender.

Have I mentioned that I don’t feel good?

Tomorrow I will be blessed with a meal cooked by someone else that is within plan and multi-course and is likely to help me feel loved and taken care of while having flavor. Noah is still being my hero with cooking for me, but he has less experience with this range of restrictions. He’s doing his best, but it is hard to adapt to an elimination diet. Especially while he is still cooking different stuff for him and the girls that follow our more normal diet.

Today the girls asked the babysitter to make them ramen for lunch. When I smelled it I almost started crying because I wanted it so much. I am committed to figuring out what is making me sick, because clearly I took some inflammatory food out and then put it back and my body is freaking the fuck out but it is hard feeling denied food. It is excruciatingly hard on a daily basis. I feel like I don’t deserve food.

My friend told me it is great that I haven’t fallen into the “I can’t eat anything” trap and now I feel ashamed of myself because I totally want to say that over and over. I’m trying so hard to be positive. I think it would be easier if my kids weren’t eating my favorite foods in front of me while I can’t have any.

It is shocking to me in an ongoing way how visceral food is. I read people write things about how food is just fuel. Oh man. It totally isn’t. It is love and comfort and bonding and right now I’m shut out of my favorite forms. Holy shit this is hard.

I am trying to keep my whining to myself. It is hard. I’m trying to keep up with the whirl of activities but it is hard. I feel dizzy and weak. My friend pointed out this weekend that I am drastically under caloried for the amount of exercise I’m doing and she’s right. 17 days till the half marathon and then I will be cutting back my exercise a lot until I have food more under control. I do want to do this race though. I’m still upset with myself for paying for a 10k I didn’t do this year.

Tomorrow I drive to San Pablo. That will be a good trip. In the evening Pam is coming over. She’s about to head off for a long visit with family on the other side of the world so I have to store up my Pam attention while I can. Friday we are going out to Modesto to see friends for the day. (Luckily the friend I am going with is very happy to do most of the driving. *phew*) Next week I have another visit with the woo-allergy doctor and therapy and a massage. I am one lucky, supported person. The week after that I see the Kaiser specialist (I have low hopes and much bitterness in my heart), have dinner with a friend I haven’t seen for a bit, have a dentist appointment to get a crown, hopefully we will get to decorate the tree with the home school group, and Pam is coming over–all that before Thanksgiving. T-day we are staying home while I cry about not being able to eat a real Thanksgiving dinner. I just can’t watch someone else eat what I want to fucking eat and can’t. I can’t. I would be so mean and self-involved and such an asshole. So we are staying home. Then that weekend I run the half marathon.

December will be slower than November, for one thing less exercise. I’m not driving much in December. Other than the grocery store the only driving I have booked for December is therapy. Given that the kids have been wanting to stay home while I have therapy because they want the screen time I’m not even sure if we will be making the park days.

I could seriously use a whole month of not doing much. For one thing, I need to build the trailer that is sitting on a pallet in my driveway. Also: I’d like to finish the planter box project in the back yard. I have been so exhausted I have not been physically able to do the work. I feel pathetic, but bodies have limits.

I feel like an asshole because numerous people have asked me how they can help and I don’t have good answers. One friend told me to give her a list of foods and she would meal plan for me. I *can’t* follow through on that. Every few days I seem to be changing what is excluded or included because I have no real guidance. The best I can do is what I’m recording here. That isn’t great.

I don’t actually think there is much help I can get. I’m lucking in to going to someones house where they already follow a diet that lines up with my elimination diet. I only had one or two “no’s” to add to their list of no so I didn’t have to think hard.

I feel like I can’t think very well. I feel confused and stupid.

Despite feeling shitty I continue to be grateful that I get to be married to Noah and I’m really glad for my kids. They are so awesome.

Days 24-27 (Not really “on plan”)

Leave a reply

24-took Ibuprofen and pot.

Breakfast: gf pancakes, strawberries, banana, peanut butter, maple syrup, grape juice

Snack: yogurt parfait with blackberries, strawberries, granola, and orange juice (that wasn’t part of the parfait)

Lunch: cantaloup, watermelon, some other green melon, grapes, cheese, butter crackers, chocolate with macadamia nuts, and some pineapple juice (on the plane meal)

Dinner: 1/2 a turkey wrap, 1 skewer of chicken teriyaki and a few bites of rice

2:30 am I woke up with lots of solid poop.

3:00am second surprise volley during what I thought was just peeing. Not boding well.

10:45 am small pieces that shoot out really fast (I always worry about accidents when it gets harder to hold in)

11:40 lots of yellow diarrhea

On the plane I had terrible gas pain.

25- took pot and fish oil

Breakfast: chocolate milk soaked french toast with banana, peanut butter, maple syrup, chocolate sauce, black tea, sugar, cream (So damn good)

lunch: chicken fried rice with gyoza (almost certainly made with egg)

Snack: Dole whip with pineapple

dinner: more fried rice, one french fry

8:20am- light diarrhea

1:45pm very solid poop

7ishpm yellow, paste-like, lots and lots

8pm- yellow, only a little bit, mostly formed

10:30pm greenish, medium sized logs pastey.

26- took pot and fish oil

Breakfast: fried rice and gyoza (still tainted with egg)

Lunch: bag of pineapple, pieces of sweet bread, pineapple soda

Dinner: 1/2 a turkey sandwich, 1/2 a slice of lemon cake

Sometime in the am I pooped and didn’t record the time. There were many semi-solid pieces.

1:45pm- yellow, loose, lots of little pieces (I wrote people in the book. Ha.)

3 more rounds of burning, awful diarrhea on the plane but I didn’t get times and I was in the midst of changing time zones anyway. So much horrifying gas pain on the plane. Terribly painful bloating.

27- took nothing

Breakfast: fried potatoes, turkey wrapped in pork bacon.

Dinner: rice, turkey, carrot, cabbage

I felt like shit all day and couldn’t eat more.

1:45pm- yellow, mostly formed, in several pieces

6:30 pm diarrhea

7:30 pm diarrhea Burn baby burn

That brings me up to today. When I haven’t pooped yet. Wheeeee.

I seriously think I should stop eating pineapple. But it was good.