Category Archives: house yay

I’m sorry

Today isn’t starting off well.  I think these physical symptoms are stress not “sick”.  That doesn’t make them better.  We kind of sort of tried to have sex today and Noah finally stopped when he noticed how much I was flipping out.  He’s a kind sort.

I started thinking about how much Noah really wishes he got to go from girl to girl.  He wants that so much.  From the outset, with that want, I can never be enough.  No matter what.  I can’t be multiple people.  I can’t give him that thrill.  I could stand there and watch (or not) him have it.  I can’t give it to him.  Given how much trouble I’m having with sex right now it feels like I have completely cock blocked him in every way.  He didn’t promise celibacy.

I feel like such a failure.  I’m feeling eaten away by stress and failure and all the things I will never be good enough for.  This morning as I was crying at Noah I told him that whenI was a kid I would say: “I’m sorry”, the response was: “Yeah, you’re sorry.  You are the sorriest piece of shit ever born.”  I’m realizing why I don’t notice that I am expressing contempt.  I don’t know much else.

This book is very hard to read.  I don’t really want to think hard about the fact that this is my life.  How can I have these experiences and come out anything but a piece of shit. An angry waste of air.  Yes, yes, happiness is a state of mind, not a circumstance.  I don’t know how to forget everything that happened and just go on to be happy.  I’m hopeful that some day other people will know the story.  Enough people will tell me that I’m not bad that maybe I will believe it.  I still feel like I deserve everything that happened.  It wouldn’t have happened to a nice person.  Someone who was good.  Someone kind.  Someone who wasn’t a piece of shit.  Instead it happened to me.  That must be how it is supposed to work.

Today is going to be kind of rough.  I had planned to take the girls to Fairyland.  But I’m dizzy and weak.  I don’t think that is a good idea.  I wish the stupid place was open during the week.  I’ve been taking sleeping pills for almost two weeks.  I’ve gotten 7.5+ hours for almost that many nights.  I wish my body felt better.  Everything hurts.  I remember my stomach hurting like this when I was a kid.  This was usually my reason for staying home from school.  My mom would always yell at me that I was a hypochondriac or a liar.  At least she let me stay home anyway.  I’m scared.  I’m so very scared.

I just sent an email to some of my co-owners in the coffee shop.  I guess that money is going to be a donation after all.  I asked to have my name taken off the ownership paperwork.  I don’t want the stress going forward.  I bought it when I thought I had more help.  Things change.  If they could give the money back some day that would be great but I won’t be holding my breath.  I wasn’t looking for that.  I wanted to do good in the world.  I hope I did.

I want to be someone who can take care of a lot of people and fix a lot of problems.  Unfortunately I only seem to be able to fix knots in capes.  I can clean up toys.  And three people is the absolute physical limit of how many people I can take care of.  I wish I didn’t know that for sure.  I wish I hadn’t hit that wall.  I wish I got to still have the fantasy of being very competent.  I’m very competent on my best days.  I don’t have best days very often.  I have to plan my life around my very worst days.  Because I have to determine what I can truly carry on my own.  Because I have things I have to carry no matter what.  I have to take care of my family.  I have to.  There is no one else to do it.  No one else is available to just come take care of my kids.  I tried to see if it was possible.  It’s not.  Well, I could pay someone but that would require getting a job.  No thanks.  Once you start upping the ante like that it isn’t figuring out how to adapt my life it is going out and getting a whole new life.

I like my life.  I like hanging out with my kids.  I like writing.  I’m even quite house proud.  I like looking around and seeing the things that bring joy to me.  I’ve created my house very intentionally.  I didn’t pick it but it’s mine.  Maybe the only house I will live in for the rest of my life.  I want it to bring me joy.  I’m pretty selfish.  Luckily Noah doesn’t seem to worry too much about what I do.  For some odd reason he trusts me.  Or he just doesn’t care.  Either way.

Noah told me that he isn’t sure what to say.  I’m convinced I have no value.  He disagrees.  I told him that I’m afraid he is lying.  I am.  I’m terrified.

I don’t feel much pride in myself.  All I see are my failures.  It’s interesting how differently Noah and I view failures.  He tells me often that you learn more from doing things wrong.  It feels like such a privileged thing to say.  It may be true, but only some people keep getting second chances.  I think that’s part of it.  Noah rarely fails at anything that matters.  I do.  When I fail I have to once again deal with the consequences of the fact that I am a piece of shit and everyone is going to leave me in the end for being a nasty, angry, bitter person.  My mistakes in the past twelve months have cost me three friendships.  I run people off.  My mistakes mean that I spent seven years in graduate school but I have no degree to show for it.  Yes, I learned things.  That’s still an awful lot of time and money to spend.  I’m glad I was able to pay off my student loan debt so fast.  If I was still paying for it I would be much more bitter.

Only time will tell how I am as a mother.  I’m afraid.  The stakes are so high.  Even if some day I manage to run Noah off, which I think is more possible than he gives me credit for, I really am afraid that I won’t deserve my children.  It was decided so long ago that I am bad.  What hubris do I have to think I can change that?

Today I hate me.  And I’m sorry.  So very sorry.

There are more ups lately

That said!  (You see, Marisa, I take directions!  Shorter entries.)  I feel like things are improving and growing ever more stable in the house.  I can’t express the safety that Sarah gives me.  She is in the house and aware.  She tracks my moods.  She appears with food and watches me eat.  She knows if I am eating enough vegetables or not.  She gives me enough protein.  I no longer have to think about buying groceries or putting them away.  My contribution to cooking lately has only involved the microwave and sandwiches.  Ok, one day I fried sausages.  The amount of work I have to do in a day is substantially lower.  So much lower that I am kind of reeling from the possibilities.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  I’m trying to find a comfortable rhythm on housework right now.  I’m trying to figure out how to structure our days.

I tend to get up and spend my time in the garage fortifying myself with apathy.  Yay apathy.  I then proceed through my morning chores (here’s the mommy-blogger part of life): I water the front and back yards (yes I’m aware there is modern technology that could take care of this for me.  Acquiring it costs money and installing it takes time, unless you are volunteering both shoosh.), dishes (we use a mountain of dishes), at least one (often three) load(s) of laundry every single day, and I’m playing with how I want to balance things like sweeping, mopping, vacuuming.  I should probably clean the windows on my house some year.  Somehow I doubt that year will be 2011.  Then I have the whole rest of the day to do stuff.  I’m generally done by 9am.  I don’t start working till 7:30.  My work day starts when Noah leaves.

That’s the part that is unbelievable luxury.  My wonderful, gorgeous, considerate husband gets up every morning and deals with both children while making breakfast.  He does this so that I can have time to go be me off away from the clamor in peace.  He believes I deserve space.  He is an introvert.  He loves me and he gives me that thing he wants more than anything else in the world: peace.  He does it by taking on all the clamor that is much harder for him.

I come out here and I purge whatever stupidity is lurking in my brain.  I do it in a myriad of ways.  I read.  I watch movies.  I think.  I get to think about my place in this universe.  I get to think about myself and my life and try to gain perspective.  A lot of why I don’t go out more is that I lack perspective.  That’s an interesting thought.  Do you want to know why people survive genocides and atrocities?  Because we are animals and we want to fucking live.  Because no matter what happens to you today, there is always hope that tomorrow will be better.  There is always hope.  As long as mankind manages to trudge forward there will be better.  If not for you, then for your children.  You have to come to a point as a parent where even if your life really sucks, you keep going because you have an obligation to try to make things better for your children.

The challenge becomes what is “better”?  I don’t think most people think about that very hard.  Of course in America that means more money, more things.  Dude, my fucking three year old has an iPad.  I am not throwing stones here.  This is my culture too.  But I’m trying to figure out what things are better in terms of my culture and what things are actually objectively “better” for a human being.  Honestly that is a lot of what I sit here and think about.

My children are going to be shaped by growing up with a mother who suffered severe trauma.  This is a fact of life.  They will never have different parents.  God damnit.  They are mine.  I get to decide what that means though.  It’s not all bad, yo.  I know that my childhood was weird, from top to bottom.  I don’t think other people understand quite what that means.  I have no idea how to pass on a standard childhood.  I quite literally don’t think I am capable of bowing to the yoke now.  My children will travel an extraordinary amount.  That’s part of why I think homeschooling is the right choice for our family, honestly.  And yet travel doesn’t teach you all of that.  Children are exposed to different cultures right where they live.  To this effect, I have to learn how to get along with other people.  That takes effort for me.  Ha.

To this effect we are out meeting our neighbors.  We are plotting a block party.  I know what my childhood was like.  I don’t know what other people really and truly experienced, by and large.  I know what kind of “better” I want for my kids though.  I want to build community where we are.  I want to know my neighbors.  I want to walk to the park from my house.  I don’t want to drive all over the bay area so I can get to know the “right kind” of people.  I am not going to chase down the crunchy crowd.  It’s too hard.  I don’t meet people well in those kinds of circumstances.  But when I’m just kind of around, and you are mostly meeting me as Shanna wanders through life?  That’s easy.  I can do that role well.  When I am being Shanna and Calli’s mom I focus on things like exploring and talking about the physical world.

There’s not a lot of room for crazy in that role.  So my neighbors don’t see it.  To them, I am the mom who has her kids out on walks all the freakin time.  I’m obviously pretty weird, but I am so friendly and cheerful that I just can’t be that bad–right?  And oh those darling little girls.  When my neighbors look at me they don’t see a crazy girl.  They see an impressively good mother because they see my kids before they see me and they make judgments.  I am told all day long what a good mother I am by everyone in my neighborhood.  I don’t think I have even told Noah or Sarah that.

I’m growing to like Fremont.  I want to stay.  I’m not overloading my neighbors.  I see them casually on walks.  We talk about the weather and gardening and children.  They don’t know anything about my childhood and I see no reason they ever should.  It’s not being in the closet exactly.  Because when I’m acting kind of twitchy and they kind of recoil I say, “I’m sorry.  I have PTSD and sometimes I say things that come out sounding a little weird.  I’m sorry.”  Then they smile in an affirming way, touch me on the shoulder and say it’s ok.  That has happened twice.  They now make a point of coming out and talking to Shanna.

I need to find out how to put down roots right where I am.  If I am going to be…something.  I don’t know what.  I need to do it here.  I need to figure out what better will be for my kids.  And early mornings are a great time to think about it.  Whatever it is I don’t have time to do it yet.  Right now I need to figure out how this daily life thing goes.

We have started spending more dedicated time every day where I more consciously lead us in a learning direction.  Working more specifically with numbers, talking more about the stuff I am reading.  Playing games where she responds with answers.  I am not pushy about it and when her attention wanders I follow.  I tend to explain why I think she will want to learn ‘x’ some day but now isn’t the time.  Like surfing.  She has noticed that surfing exists and I told her that I totally support her in wanting to learn to surf!  Uhm, let’s start with swimming…

I feel like I am trying to help her understand long-term planning.  Doesn’t every parent do this?  I won’t have a public school to teach her stuff though.  I have to do it.  It’s really complicated trying to think about all the things public school actually teaches as opposed to what they think they are teaching.  What lessons about conformity, group identity, and innate understanding of beurocracy will my children simply miss?  What did I miss?  Do I care?  It’s fun to think about.

I’m mostly trying to rest and recover from the amount of sleep deprivation I have been operating under.  My body is so wasted.  I want to start running soon, but I need to get sleep under control first.  I don’t actually think I can yet.  I get too dizzy.  I’m working on it.

I have to post or I’ll ramble…