Category Archives: travel notes

what a lovely way to start the day. not.

I’m sitting here in the hotel wrapping presents for Noah’s family and crying. I don’t give a shit about these people. Why do I have to wrap Christmas presents for them? Oh. Because I’m the mom and my kids should be taught to not be self absorbed assholes. This sucks.

For those following at home the day of traveling went fantastic. The kids were so good. Our only crying was when the final descent hurt their ears while they were sleeping. If someone gets cranky at a kid for crying about that I have a long and nasty lecture for them. It happens. The kids did so well.

It helped that I was perky and upbeat for the whole day. That really smoothes things along. I played with them and answered questions and kept them moving just about every minute that they weren’t strapped in car seats.

They were such big girls handling their own luggage. I was really proud in a dorky way.

Putting the carseats on the plane is both obnoxious and really awesome because I don’t spend the flight yelling at them to get back into their @#%#%@# seat. They just sit and relax. Excellent.

Today we see the great grandmother and the great aunt and other great uncle family pod group. Because the grandmother said she was going to have her birthday at home whether I like it or not. Ok. Have a nice dinner. We’ll go out with someone else since it is too much trouble.

My kids are still asleep. I tell myself this is because we arrived at the hotel at midnight our time and it is now only 6am our time so maybe I should be patient.

Yeah. Not so patient.

Keep trying

This trip has involved more “heavy” conversations with Dad than I can remember having before. I’m really glad I came. Even with my irritation about football. That’s a trigger. That’s not his fault.

You don’t understand what someone is giving you of themselves until you find out more about them. I’ve been kind of interrogating him. I’ve asked a lot of questions about his family-of-origin, about how he raised his kids, his money situation, his life choices… all kinds of things. I know Dad but I don’t feel I know him if you know what I mean. Ha–I’m almost punny.

Yeah. I found out some things about Dad’s financial situation that surprised me. Noah makes a lot of money. We live in a bubble of tech workers who all earn rather obscene amounts of money. Dad’s not in that bubble.

The idea of “generosity” or “caretaking” change as your quantity of money changes. Dad is much more into making food for people than he used to be. He no longer volunteers to take everyone out to restaurants. That’s a good choice. But man I don’t feel like I have any right to say anything didactic about how he handles his money. He was a CPA for longer than I have been alive. Right now finding a good job is hard.

Noah asked me if Dad keeps all the daughters and I said no. Most of them move on. Most of them bring their needs to Dad and expect him to meet their needs and I don’t. I don’t think Dad is obligated to take care of me. I appreciate any tiny nudge of caretaking and in turn I will clean your whole house before I leave. I’ll leave grocery money on the counter so you can’t argue with me. I know that our monthly grocery bill is more than half of Dad’s monthly income. He does not need to pay for us.

But he loves me. And he loves my children more by the year. I can’t buy that. I may have money but I don’t have a lot of people who want to sit down with my kids and show them how to play with a Wii. I’m grateful that he wants to.

My life has been such a series of up and downs with relationship to money and secure attached relationships. I have money now. I’m squirreling it away. I obsess constantly about not saving enough even though I’m way above all of the averages and expectations. It’s not good enough. I’m not safe enough. But the human dependent loving relationships… I can’t just fix that for myself.

I don’t know how to defend myself without running people off. I’m trying to change this. Defending myself is a real, serious priority for me and I’m not going to give up on it. But the mechanism could be more gentle. I would like to alienate people less.

I really like this feeling of being welcome in Dad’s house. I really like that he has spent a lot of years so far putting drips and drabs of trust and love into my bucket. Dad has earned every ounce of tolerance and patience he needs from me. He really has. I do have to work on being patient with him. He is very much not like me and that is hard sometimes.

I’m really grateful he has allowed me to grow up in this relationship. Kind of like how I am grateful to my Owner.

These men may not be able to give the kind of emotional support I want but it isn’t their fault and it isn’t their job and they really have given me all they have to spare. Say thank you. Smile. Don’t be nasty. Go somewhere else for the rest of your needs.

Thank you, Noah.

I love Dad a lot. I’m really glad I get to know him. He validates me and appreciates me.

Last night he told both of us that he thinks our priorities are in the right order and we are clearly making good decisions right on down the line. He said he was proud of us.

I need that feeling so bad. I am so glad I am not a disappointment. I’m trying so hard.

No, he doesn’t do everything I can imagine wanting him to do. He watches way more sports on television than I want to be near. Really if that is my big complaint I need to shut the fuck up.

He does pretty fucking well by me. Even if he does make fun of me more than I want. His way of being is valid. We’ll figure it out. I will keep coming back year after year. I like being in his presence.

Not because I like feeling smug because I’m making good life choices and he is in a hard phase. I feel guilty that he is in a hard phase. His life got really hard when his wife died. This was a ship that needed two incomes. He has struggled a lot with picking up the pieces.

Being here is changing some of how I think about death. Francesca didn’t commit suicide (we think) but she did accidentally kill herself. The hole she has left in me, in Dad, in all of the people in this community is still gaping and raw. It has been more than five years.

It wasn’t like this after my father or my brother died. There wasn’t a whole community of mourning. Really it didn’t matter much that they were dead. They were both so far outside of my life and my community that I wasn’t impacted. I never saw them when they were alive, why would it matter that they were dead?

I have always thought I would be more like my dad and brother when I die. No one will give a shit. No one will be impacted.

I don’t think that any more. Now I look around and think, “I would hurt people the way Francesca hurt people.” Err, that sounds like I’m blaming Francesca. I’m not. I’m not saying she hurt people. Her death hurt people. Her not being in the world has been very painful for a lot of people. She is not replaceable in any way.

I miss her so much. Not very many people were as forgiving of my fuck ups as she was. She could look at me and say, “Krissy I don’t think that came out how you meant it. Would you like to try again?” People just don’t say that to me. They think I mean what I say and say what I mean so I am just a mean and nasty bitch.

I have a lot of big feelings. My tone of voice often sucks. I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry. I’m trying. I’m better than I was.

Sometimes I wonder if me wanting to go off pot so much is going to be like a schizophrenic refusing to take their meds. Is my control going to slip in ways that make me more dangerous to be around for other people?

Francesca would have told me that she got off heroin so I can do anything.

Sometimes we need the relationships we have because the people in them view us in a way we need to be viewed. A lot of people who have done “great things” did so because they were conforming to the popular opinions about them. They were told they could and must.

Dad thinks I’m pretty spiffy. He tells me so. Maybe I can substitute his beliefs about me for my own.

What does love mean, anyway? I love Dad. I want to do nice things for him. I want him to be happy. I want him to feel like he gets the things he wants in life.

He sure as heck doesn’t feel that way. The older I get the more I discuss white privilege with white men the more I feel kind of sad for everyone in the whole world.

If this is the “easy level” no wonder life sucks so much for everyone else. It isn’t easy or fun or comfortable here either.

I feel sad that I am not better at having relationships with shorter gaps in between visits. I am profoundly shitty at seeing people frequently. My boundaries get worse. I get more impatient and needy and difficult. I keep everyone on varying length rotations.

I wish that I handled Portland better. I like all the people here so much but it is also hard for me. I have to “behave” and it isn’t how I normally act so I have to think really hard and try really hard and I get so tired. I feel like such a failure all the fucking time.

I miss Wonderland. I’m glad I get to go back to it. I have a hard time with my relationships at home too, but being able to retreat into my cave of wonders really helps.

Here in Dad’s house I always feel like I am about to break something and I don’t mean to. I don’t want to leave a wake of destruction… but I do. I always have. I don’t get that mad at my kids for breaking things because I am a Destruct-o-Matic. I feel scared. I feel like I am about to do something stupid, reveal a need I shouldn’t reveal and then I will be banished.

I wish I could feel like people love me. I wish I could predict the boundaries of my acceptable behavior better. I wish I could maintain appropriate behavior better. I fuck up so much.

Ok, time to do something else.

Coming home today

Between the cracker crumbs, specific reminder to mop the bathroom because we had some accidents, and the window crayons I will be leaving a nice tip for housekeeping. I feel guilty.

We have had such a good time. I am very grateful we get to do this many times. Thank you, Noah.

Yay Disneyland

I am on the iPad. This won’t be my normal length.

If you add up the past two nights I’ve gotten 13 hours of sleep. But I got 9 of them last night. That was a very caffeinated drive. We had a great day in California Adventure. I think that next year I will have to have check in times and let Shanna run. Keeping her close is getting hard. (like within the Wilderness Camp Explorer area-not the park at large).

Thank you D for the stroller. They are alternating and fighting over who gets to ride. That is a first. Usually they scream and kick when I ask them to ride in strollers or wagons. I think they are tired.

We were in the park for hella longer than usual because we got there early and had a long wait till check in. I think we were in the park for 5 hours. The whole last hour Calli kept saying “hotel?” “bed?” she was tired too.

I turned the lights out at six because play was getting meaner and meaner. No, you cannot play a game where you pin your sister down and slam stuffed animals into her face as hard as you can. That is not a good game.

We went for lunch at a fancy restaurant because we were on that end of the pier and I didn’t check how expensive it was before we sat down. Whoops. Luckily that $78 lunch came with enough food for dinner and breakfast too so I boxed it up. Yay for having a fridge and a microwave. Next time I will have to bring my own dishes. They provide a couple paper bowls and a few glasses. Most unsuitable. Makes sense. There isn’t a dishwasher and most people seem to act like it would break their hands to do dishes and the maid staff can’t time efficiently take care of it in the studios.

The sixth is my moms birthday. She turned 64. My dad would have been 64 yesterday. I didn’t cry over them this year. My dad has been dead for 14 years. In three years he will have been dead for me as long as he was alive for me. On my next birthday I turn the age they were when I was born.

I don’t think I am much like them. I hope not.
It is so awesome to deal with Shannas”gimmees” by saying that everything is too expensive. She didn’t hoard her allowance this time. She is quite pissed that everything is too much money. Ha.

I went outside and smoked yesterday afternoon because I ate approximately four bites of breakfast and maybe seven bites of lunch. My stomach hurts so much. I am going to need to this morning if I want to eat. I am clearly hungry but I want to curl up into a ball and sob because of my stomach. This is awful. I could suffer through this. But I can’t eat. Going longer and longer without food makes me dizzy and nauseated. I didn’t smoke much yesterday. I didn’t want to spend much time. I’m on the first floor and my balcony is next to a public walkway. Awkward.

So we will see how today goes. Right now I want to puke on the floor and my throat feels like it is closing and I would rate my stomach pain at a six. It is hard to think. Maybe I will go freeze my ass off outside for a bit. Then maybe I could sleep a bit more too. That would be excellent.

And my Jenny is married.

Yesterday was the wedding!  It was glorious.  I was so happy to be part of the ceremony.  I was even the official witness signing the marriage contract along with the Best Man.  Jenny was gorgeous and cheerful and elated.  I have never seen her so happy.  It’s hard not being able to see her much, but I leave her in such good hands that I know she is in the best place in the world for her.

I was amazed that several times she sat down and took moments out of her insanely busy schedule to help me deal with my anxiety.  I felt so very loved.  Then I discovered that I had made some suboptimal choices with regards to planning… but folks helped out and I think that we will actually enjoy the changed plans more.

Traveling is challenging, but it’s a lot easier with wonderful people.  I feel quite blessed.

Lesser evils.

Alright, so when I left off I was freaking out in France and desperate to get out.  It was festive.  We checked out of the hotel 3 days early and asked to speak to the manager about why.  Turns out he was the guy who had located the ethernet cable.  Ha.  When I explained my issues and told him we were leaving he offered us fastpasses.

The taxi driver took us to the wrong train station and told us to take a bus to the correct one.  We missed our train.  I lost my shit and hysterically sobbed on the floor for a while.  Then once Noah dealt with stuff the customs lady yelled at me a lot because I didn’t have access to Jenny’s address yet.  She told me that I shouldn’t be so disorganized because I am a mother.  Great.  Thanks.

What I’m leaving out of that bit is the awesome Armenian guy who sat down with me and talked to me and tried to cheer me up.  He was pretty rad.  He also hates the French but he has to work with them so he is submissive to the system and recommended that I do the same.  No thanks!

Once we got to London a porter found us, noticed that we had first class tickets, and whisked us away to the first class lounge.  He all but washed our feet for us.  I was ebullient!  A country with customer service!  Thank you!!!  The train ride to Edinburgh was smooth mostly because Shanna slept a lot of the way.  We found a random hotel there for one night because we missed the last train to Inverness.

So we woke up the next morning and set off.  There was fuss with not eating but I wasn’t completely psycho.  Luckily for the last bit of the trip this wonderful old couple in their 70’s came into our car and regaled us with fun stories and anecdotes.  They played with my kids.  They smiled at me and were nice.  I was so very happy.  We got to Jenny’s and enjoyed seeing her.

Thing is, by the time we arranged the hotel situation for the unexpected three extra days (literally the only family room available in the city–lots of phone calls) and dealt with all the other stupid bumps I wasn’t really functional any more.  I ended up sitting on the grass outside in the garden for I don’t know how long sobbing hysterically.  It sucked a lot.  I was crying about my mom and my family and feeling bad and feeling like I can’t deal with life because I am such a loser and…

I came back inside when I realized I was walking around the property trying to examine my options for killing myself.  I was at the point of walking towards the street looking for a bus.  It’s really bad.  But I slept 8 hours before commenting on someones facebook that I don’t think she is going to change society into finding overweight submissive men visually appealing on a mass scale.  Of course I was told I am vitriolic and nasty and I don’t care about anyone but myself.  Right.  That started today so well.

But I went off to Jenny’s house.  And I got to spend the whole day with her.  And it was wonderful.  Both Shanna and Calli are sick (running fevers, runny nose, not to mention that Calli is teething and constipated–it’s a banner day) so the day was a bit whiney.  Luckily that means they slept a lot. 😛  Unfortunately they slept in turns so I still didn’t get time off.  But that’s why I’m up now.  It’s not even 8:40 yet so I don’t feel too guilty yet.

I am titling this lesser evils because I decided after losing my shit last night that I need some other tools for dealing with my shit right now.  So I sent Noah to the pharmacy for sleeping pills and razor blades.  I need to sleep.  Period.  And I need a hand grenade size stress relief that doesn’t require me to be alone for more than a few minutes because I am only allowed enough privacy to pee.  And sometimes not that.

I’ve been a cutter for over 20 years.  It’s not going to kill me.  I was not the one responsible for buying the sleeping pills so there are not enough in this room to kill me.  I’m not happy about preplanning cutting this way, but I need something.  Anyone know someone in Scotland who smokes pot? 😛  We’ve debated going to Amsterdam but I actually think that a week in the Orkney Islands will be more relaxing.  There really isn’t that much to do but rest.

Today was good.  I need more like today.

Why did I come to France?

Ok, to be fair I came to Disneyland Paris, not really France.  But the thing is, I came here because I wanted to have the Disney experience while dealing with the time change.  I figured that here my kids crying wouldn’t be that big of a deal.  To be fair, that part is fine.  But when I have to make 8 phone calls (many to an outside company because Disney doesn’t want to be involved?) and go down to the lobby and throw a HUGE temper tantrum and tell them that I will check out of the hotel if they do not find a god damn ethernet cable longer than 18″ so that my husband can actually usefully work… that’s not the Disney experience.  If I had called from a room in California and said, “Hey.  Our internet isn’t working and my husband has to work remotely.  What can be done about this?”  The problem would have been fixed.  Pretty much instantly.  They would have brought me a 30′ cable in 10 minutes and said, “Oh Ma’am!  I hope this is adequate!”  And I would think, “Whoa.  Overkill much?”  And *that* dear friends, is why I pay for Disney.

But this is France.  And here you have French people.  French people who when you are wandering the hotel in the middle of the night and you say, “Hey, because you are behind the bar putting away stuff can you hand me a glass so I can help myself from the tap?”  They tell you to go to the restaurant.  At 3 in the morning.  When the restaurant won’t open for 4 hours.  Bitch.  Seriously.  Fuck you with your fucking broom you petty bitch.  Because she understood enough English to communicate.  I had to seriously browbeat the shit out of the staff before we got an ethernet cable and when we did, most of the staff was maintaining a stone wall that there was nothing they could do for us.  Some random bellhop went and found a cable and brought it out.  Then of course reception tried to act like they had been great.

In the park people keep staring at me.  Ok yes, my hair is AWESOME.  But when you stare at me with a sneer on your face so intense that your upper lip never comes off your nose?  Fuck you too.  And throughout the park I swear to God people are getting whiplash because when one person from a group spots me they say something and then the whole group turns to stare at me with fairly hostile expressions.

I feel the need to point out that I’m being oversensitive and such right now, but no really.  They aren’t subtle.

Of course I’m meeting a lot of fun British and American people.  I suspect that part of it is, this is the *cheapest* time of year to be here.  So you have fancy International people who can afford to travel (even with the discount it’s still expensive) and the cheap ass local assholes.  I am not seeing France at its best.  But right now I believe I will never set foot in this country again and I will talk a lot of shit about it.  At this point I’m frustrated with a lot of things.

But you know what?  I’m really enjoying the time with the girls.  That is quite lovely.  Shanna and I are getting along really well.  Even with the massive sleep deprivation.  Calli is cutting two teeth while massively jet lagged.  We’re having *fun*.  Actually we are.  🙂  She thinks that Disneyland is the coolest thing EVAR.  She loves all the rides.  A few employees have tried to discourage me from putting her on rides and I tell them to back off and she laughs through the whole thing.  It’s wonderful to be near.

I’m really struggling with my feelings.  I feel like everyone in the world hates me.  Noah and I have been having a hard time finding the right balance of needs.  In the past 4 nights (it is currently 12:40am) I have had ~12 hours of sleep total.  And I can’t sleep.  I’m listening to “Born This Way” on repeat.  It’s not really a great song.  But I’m really struggling right now.  I’m closer to the edge than I want to admit out loud.  I don’t feel like I’m at 50% right now and sleep deprivation doesn’t help.

Yeah.  But I love my hair.  Even if the asshole French people are sneering at me.  🙂  I don’t know how I’m doing.  The good moments are starting to outnumber the bad but the bad are still really intense for me.  I kind of feel like right now I’m a plant that was blown flat in a storm.  I’m not ready to push up straight again, but I’m growing in any direction I can.  It has to be enough because I don’t have anything else.

Oh, and we couldn’t stay in the hotel I booked in London because we showed up and were told that when we went from 3 to 4 people in our party we had to be bumped to a 6 person dormitory.  If we wanted privacy we could pay for all 6 bunkbeds.  Uhm, no thanks.  So poor Shanna had to be drug out into the freezing rain again.  Other than that London was ok when I wasn’t being overly anxious.  But then again… we weren’t there 24 hours.  Obviously, not sleeping.  Oy.