I closed! I had sex on a first date! *happy dance*
Want to know why I like having one date with people? Because they do things like use a little boy voice to tell me how "nummy" I am during sex. I felt like a pedophile. But he was good at the physical parts of sex. 😀 Three times! 😀
It's weird knowing that I got exactly what I wanted… and that means I won't be back. I feel like a big meaniehead.
I think I have nailed my perfect dirty whore profile on okcupid. I'm proud of myself. That's what I want it. It'll appear. I just know it. 😛
Patience is not my strong suit. Ha.
Justine, if you want to look. I think it's perfect. Feedback? 😀
Shanna and Calli make me smile every day. I feel so lucky that they both have such sweet dispositions. They truly are a joy to spend time with.
I smiled because my domestic help was quite civil when I gave her feedback and she thanked me. I feel fucking weird being an employer.
I smiled because I got to think about sex. That's been an interesting topic lately.
He agreed that he wasn't special… except he can make music! Heavily synthesized stuff on his laptop! He doesn't play instruments, really. They limit his vibe.
OMFG. I don't think I was subtle. wtf.
And when someone says they are there for a one night stand, please stop trying to turn them into a girlfriend. Please.
If you are 27 and living with your parents and you haven't worked in years because you occasionally get odd jobs and mostly your parents support you… don't whine about not having life experiences. You are choosing to be a permanent child. If you haven't traveled it is your fault. I don't really want to hear your long rant about how there is no point in being happy because after all there is no good in this world. Bite my ass. Get over yourself. You have it better than 99.99999999% of all people who have ever lived for all time. Fuck you. What the fuck do you think you deserve?
Yeah. And then he wrote me a long email asking me to tell him how he differs from all the other people I've met in my life. I told him he doesn't differ. He has the same experiences, appearance, and life as a tremendous number of people I know. You have all reached the same conclusions in exactly the same way and you are fucking convinced that you are the smartest people ever. When really what you are is dismissive and pretentious.
No, you are not getting a second date. I'm not catering to your self-absorbed pretention, thanks.
He made me listen to 30 minutes of ambient music in his van when it was 40-something degrees so I would "know the sound of his soul."
A swingers party. Not one deniably at a bdsm club. I'm going to have to say that I'm a swinger. Oh that makes me feel dirty.
Yeah, apparently we will be going to a swingers party on Saturday. Interesting life we lead.
So I’ve gotten some semi-stinging feedback elsenet. Â Let me try to ignore delivery and focus on the useful bits.
12/8: first date. okcupid person. excellent long emails. we've been conversing for a couple of weeks.
12/9: spending time with a friend followed by a hot date at a womens bdsm party. I win.
12/12: first date with person I know through mutual friends. This may be the most intimidating thing on the agenda.
12/15: first date. okcupid person. few messages but his profile sounds like he may be exactly what I wanted for a one-night stand.
I uhhh probably shouldn't go out on another date before Christmas. I didn't mean for them to all get bunched up like this. Goodness.
Every so often I don't want to say something on blogger. Yay lj. Yesterday I dropped off money towards a new venture that will change a lot of the focus of my life. I'm really excited. It's pretty darn big. And then… when I got home… I found a message from someone I have known in the scene for about 8 years. It's hilarious to me that I have known her that long. But I digress. She's uhm, gorgeous. And ridiculously skilled as both a top and a bottom when it comes to rope. Like I'd pit her against Tom any day. And she asked me out on a date. *swoon* We'll see how that goes. I said YES. YES. PLEASE OH PLEASE GOD YES. 😀 I'm excited.
And then I woke up this morning and found that a new-ish friend invited me to go to a womens party with her. She's pretty damn cute so I'm not saying no.
How in the hell did it start raining girls? I'm not complaining. I'm celebrating. It's been a long time since I was interesting to a woman. I may have forgotten how this goes. Oh gosh.
I'm so excited I'm bouncing. My life is pretty wonderful.
There is already an lj syndication: http://soggyinmilk.livejournal.com/profile
Once upon a time I put my more personal blogging on g-blog. I don't think I ever told you the truth lj. You were meant as a dumping grounds for memes. Stupid, light shit that breaks the day up. Things to entertain my friends and not depress them. Then g-blog went away. You were promoted. We had this weird filter tango thing. I discovered that when I am writing for tightly controlled filters I feel more and more constrained until I can't say anything because I might say it to the wrong person and then I MIGHT HURT THEIR FEELINGS. I couldn't take the pressure.
I moved on. I'm blogging at blogspot now. People opt-in or out as they see fit. It's open to strangers on the internet and they have to manage their own fucking triggers. It's great. I don't miss you. Only I do miss you though. Here, how about a meme for old time's sake. I promise, I will tell the funny versions.
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Give me a number (or three), and I'll answer the question that goes with it. I may or may not do this publicly, but the person who asks will get a response one way or another.
| 01. My sexual orientation. 02. What I'm really bad at. 03. The one person whose arms I'd like to be in. 04. My best first date. 05. A description of my self-esteem. 06. Who my best friends are. 07. My favorite book. 08. Biggest turn-offs. 09. My favorite place to which I've traveled. 10. My favorite animal. 11. Someone I miss. 12. The reason behind my last break-up. 13. What I did yesterday. 14. My greatest achievements. 15. The craziest thing I've ever done 16. A description of my last kiss. 17. What I find attractive in a person. 18. All of the pets I've ever owned. 19. My favorite ice cream flavor. 20. The one place I wish I was right now. 21. The most cruel thing anyone has ever said to me. 22. All of the places I've lived. 23. Qualities that make me more likely to love a person. 24. My future plans. 25. One of my internal conflicts. 26. What I'm doing tomorrow. 27. My life's aspirations. 28. My most embarrassing moment. 29. Two of my insecurities. 30. What I would do if I won the lottery. 31. What I love most about myself. 32. My biggest pet peeves. 33. What musical artists I've seen live. 34. How many kids I would like to have. 35. My idea of a perfect date. 36. What I'm really excellent at. 37. My most traumatic experience. 38. Where I would like to live. 39. The nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 40. Whether I like where I live now. 41. What I can hear right now. 42. My relationship with my siblings. 43. What's currently worrying me the most. 44. Something I've repeatedly wished for. 45. My relationship with my parents. 46. What I dislike most about myself 47. Where's Waldo? 48. Whether I currently resemble the person who I thought I'd be at 18. 49. What I would tell my 18-year-old self. 50. Why? |
I’m working through TCTH again. Â I love the part where these women rabidly go off on how evil SM is. Â You are better off breaking up your marriage and being celibate for the rest of your life than engaging in SM if you are a survivor. Â Interesting priorities. Â Sex is like alcoholism. Â I’ve had bad experiences therefore what I do needs to be tightly controlled.
My mom used to refer to Tom as my sugar daddy.
I've spent the past few weeks reminding myself that my early life was a festering shithole of despair the likes of which very few people survive. I'm running low on empathy for other people. So that seems like the perfect time for me to talk about my expectations of how other people will manage their shit. We all have it. That's fine. If you feel upset by things you are reading on the internet, close the window. If you feel upset by things you are hearing said in person you have two choices, you can try to tactfully change the subject; this is done by hearing a conversation segue and going full steam ahead towards that Shiny Change Of Topic!. Heck, you can even announce, "Look! It's A Shiny Change Of Topic!" as you do it. That's ok. That's a way of trying to be comfortable in conversation.
Or you can get off your ass and walk away. At no point it is it ok for you to start ranting about how people have triggered you and they are all bad bad bad bad people for daring to say something that Hurt Your Feelings.
Wow. Do you think you are the only important person in the world? Do you really believe that in order to be in your life people have to spent 100% of their time doing only activities you approve of? You have issues. Big issues. The kind that can be manipulated by fucked up professionals with lots of training on how to manipulate peoples emotions.
I have a lot of triggers. I could not begin to enumerate them all. They change over time. When I am in a period where I am heavily triggered, I stop participating in the world. I go home. I stop reading other peoples blogs. I stop participating in forums. I still post, because I do so compulsively and I could not stop if I wanted to. But I'm not reading. I don't have the emotional energy to risk looking at other peoples lives. I might get upset. If I get upset I will have days of back lash. I will feel this constant internal struggle between rage and despair because dear god why do people always do this to me? The truth is, they don't always do that to me. It happens sometimes. But when your brain is in whatever chemical state it is in right now sometimes… that's the only state you can remember being in. That's not a rational feeling. That's not a true statement. You have other moods and other ways you feel. Maybe not recently. But life is long.
Deciding that who and what you are right now is so important to preserve that everyone around must change in substantial ways to make you more comfortable uhm, well… that's fucked up. I'll be flat with you. That's disordered thinking. That's having omniscience problem. Get over yourself.
People need to go live their lives and have the experiences they have, for good and bad. The more you try to step in between other people having their lives the farther you are away from having an actual relationship. People are not puppets. The kind of person who will only do what you say is generally kind of icki and I don't want to be near them. People who want to "call the shots" on how I talk about my life makes my skin crawl. That's my fucking trigger. And guess what, I'm a grown up. I go back to my fucking sandbox and I deal with my emotions. In an appropriate way. In a limited way. I'm going to rant through this post and then I am going to roll my eyes and go back to my life. Because I don't need to deal with other people being passive aggressive and control freaks. I have better things to do with my life.
I modify my behavior willingly for the people I live with. They have a right to ask me for concessions. At the same time, I push for time to write because I need it for my mental health. I have to push back there. I have to push back about that universally, across the board. I need to not only say that was an epic party, but holy shit I got to play with two hot girls. One I made smile and one I made cry. I felt honored by both. They both teach me different things about life. And I need to honor the lessons I am learned. That is something that I need for me. I need to figure out how to navigate my triggers in life. Because I have a lot of them. I'm trying to figure out what that means. What can my life look like.
I'll tell you that declaring subjects or locations off-limits for other people… that's not part of the agenda. If it is on your agenda then you should stop dicking around and commit yourself for a while because you are obviously in a place where you are not able to have healthy relationships and you need some intensive therapy for you to figure out that you are not God.
He has decided that he needs to be celibate for a while because he is using sex in unhealthy ways. I think that is a great decision for him given what he has been up to in the last year. It’s hard being the girl who teaches guys what they don’t want. We talked about how awkward things have been on the past few dates. No, he can’t fix me and I’m not ok with him being mad at me because he can’t. I feel like telling people these things about my past puts up a brick wall between us. The phrase “I don’t know what to say” makes me want to break things. I would much prefer that people sit in silence than say that. Noah says, “Wow. That sucked.” As simple as that. It’s why I married him. He gets me.
Without g-blog I have no community on the web. I have never really found another one. Sometimes I intensely miss it and then I feel stupid. I really loved our conversations.
Everything you choose to learn about as you go through life compiles in a fairly unique way. Â No one else has your exact family, socio-economic experience, friend experience, food experience, etc. Â People are unique. Â There are patterns, but there are always sub groups from the sub groups because it’s hard to generalize.
Why don’t I feel like I can have a community? Â Why do I feel like that isn’t available to me? Â Why?
I stood there at the Well’s Fargo
Noah and I have been doing a lot of that needy clingy “Nooooooo! Don’t Gooooooooooo!!!” lately. We are both insecure. I wonder if part of the transference was simply that it was transference. I’m used to feeling that during sex lately. Hm. Maybe?