Lack of sleep catches up with me and leads to feeling really really shitty. Today’s bad loop tape: all the people who hate me.
I wish there weren’t so many of them. I wish I didn’t feel so responsible for them hating me. I wish I didn’t feel like they hate me because I am just such a horrible/bad person and I deserve to be hated.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I am so bothered by the kid calling me an asshole and the resulting fuss. It isn’t that I think I should be more respected because I AM THE AUTHORITY. No, just no–that isn’t my deal. I feel like when kids react to me that way that I am being told that I am bad. I wish I could just strike that word from my conscious. When kids aren’t doing what they should be doing and are failing I feel like they are doing so because *I* have failed. But I haven’t. I managed to push, pull, and drag over a hundred kids through a very successful year of English. Why do I feel like a failure because about 20 kids don’t care about school? That isn’t about me. And really–the number is only about 20 who have fallen through the cracks.
And stuff has been rocky with Noah all week for a variety of reasons. I’ve been thinking and thinking on why. It’s both awesome and frustrating that I can never say, “We are having problems because he is an asshole.” And even going so far as to say that we are having problems feels like an overstatement. I’m being confused and unhappy and grumpy in his direction; he is being quiet and patient and understanding. I really have the best husband in the whole wide world (for me). Today when I realized that I was upset about the kids because I feel like I am failing and bad I started to put two and two together that I am upset about the Noah stuff for the same reason. (Yes, this may be obvious to those of you watching at home–I’m slow.)
Talking about his family (or my family) sucks for me because I feel like any and all issues have to be because I am just terrible. So when there are problems I assume all blame internally even when I am saying out loud that it isn’t my fault. So I’m arguing with myself in my head about blame and I feel like shit. Then I lash out because it hurts and the only way I really know to deal with hurt is to hurt back, even if that just means myself. It’s quite the vicious cycle.
I got to talk to a neato chick yesterday about issues in our lives and issues we each had with Noah (SEE! I don’t hate all of his ex’s!!) and it was interesting getting the comraderie. So that lead to some more interesting talking with Noah. I started thinking about why I feel upset about some of it. Oh wait, I feel compared–which means I have to lose, cause I’m bad.
I really hate this word. I need to find a way to get it out of my head.
Ok, so the icon looks like this will be sexy. It won’t be. I just like the blindfold image.
Processing. I am so sick of processing I could scream. I feel like I am drowning in all the shit from my life. I’m not sure if writing about it is helping or hurting, but I know I need to do it. Things have blown up with my mother again. I think that it may be a long time before I hear from her again. She is coming up in June for my nephew’s high school graduation (which I wasn’t told about) and she said she wants to see my house. I’m not sure that is a good idea. I don’t think I want her to see where I live. I don’t think I want to have pictures in my head of her in my space. I’m so weird about “energy”. Sorry mom–I need to tell.
Noah got home last night. I’m not handling talking about his trip very well. There are things about the trip that upset me just because they upset me and there are things about the trip that upset me because they are shadows of the past. I am not really reacting to now and this problem, I am reacting to years of shit with my family. I am not now nor will I ever be part of Noah’s family, just like I have never really been part of my mother’s extended family or my father’s extended family, or really even my nuclear family. I am too much or too bad or too intense or too wrong or… too something. I feel so broken and defective, like there is nothing in me that is worthwhile. I don’t really believe that it is true, but I’m terrified that it is.
I’ve had problems with Stephen’s family and Tom’s family and Puppy’s family so I feel like the problems with Noah’s family really are my fault. Ok, so maybe the problems are all my fault because they seem to be following me around. They were different problems with each family though. I don’t know. Guilt doesn’t seem to need rationality.
And I keep wondering, given how toxic I seem to be–do I really have the right to bear a child? We are supposed to start trying so soon. I don’t feel like I really know if I should or not. Being broken sucks.
Got back the pictures of Noah and I at the dance. Whereas I can say that they are cute pictures my first response was, “Oh my god I’m chunky.” I’m also thinking about burning that dress so that I will never be seen in public in something so unflattering again.
*sigh* But you know what? I know that the women I look chunkier than (there is a group picture with all of the chaperones) are stick skinny and I wouldn’t *want* to look like that. Why is it that I think I look awful because I’m uhm well filled out but I think it looks fine or better on other people? Stupid double standards.
I have decided that I am not going to say out loud again that I look fat in the pictures. I look happy. I am all snuggly with my baby and he looks like he is having fun too. I am absolutely NOT going to say that I look fat in front of my students. I look like I’m grinning my head off. That is what matters. I am however allowed to make cracks about being so pale you can’t tell where the white dress ends and I begin. 😉
I don’t really want to write about this, but I want to have record of my experience. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Plus, I need to keep japlady in the loop.
Uhm, stuff.
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I’m wandering in circles mentally wondering why, why, why am I so crazy.
Well, maybe it’s time to actually talk about him.
Some days I get it into my head that I am not good enough. When I do this I latch onto something as an example to prove that I am not good enough. This time it’s related to sex. I’ve taken way too much pride over the years in the fact that I am generally considered to be very good at sex. I have gone out and deliberately learned how to be better.
But I’m not the best at everything. And sometimes knowing that hurts. Sometimes knowing that means that I hate the people who are better. Especially when they are people I know, people I am jealous of anyway.
I know I need to grow up, but this one sucks.
And in the process of being stupid and immature I hurt Noah. I wish I could be all that he deserves.
My fun day at home wasn’t so fun by the end. By early afternoon my head hurt, my neck hurt, and if I move around my stomach let me know that a run to the bathroom was imminent. And, whatever was in my system was letting me know that it wanted out of my system anyway with a lot of pain involved.
Well that rocked. Or something. I slept through most of the afternoon and still went to bed early. I woke up at 3 am and rolled over and noticed that my stomach still hurt enough that even minimal movement is agonizing. So I called in sick to work and Noah drove me down there to deliver lesson plans. Have I mentioned that I love my husband?
When I’m sick I am even more whiney and babyish than usual. So when I got an email from a girl I sorta know this morning asking for references for Tom I nearly cried. I told her that yes, he is very safe and will almost certainly never cross any boundary she has and let it go at that. I didn’t tell her that he is a great casual play partner and a difficult boyfriend. I didn’t tell her that she should stay emotionally uninvolved so that she can walk away when she stops being “new” because his interest will gradually fade anyway. *sigh*
And right now I am feeling the disadvantages of being poly/open/slutty. I’m tired of telling people I am not interested. I want a break from having to deal with being nice in letting people down gently. I always feel guilty and I want to not have that feeling for a while. I’m tired of having to give justification for why I don’t want to play/fuck/date/whatever. Once or twice I’ve said, “Right now I’m just so into my husband that I’m not interested in anyone else” and people follow that up with, “Well, when then?” Excuse me? You just put yourself on the “never” list.
I’ll quite bitching now. I hate being sick.
In my career I see messloads of emphasis on V-Day. ASB makes messloads of money off of bringing around balloons, candy, cards, etc. One of the kids gave me a cute little card. It says, “Hope your day is a big hit!” with a picture of Scooby Doo. 🙂 He asked me to be his Valentine too. I found that quite adorable. I specifically did not give him a hug afterwards though cause if he does have a crush encouraging it would be bad.
We are going out to dinner and that will be fun. It’s kind of weird to look at expectations. I don’t really want much attention paid to it, but at the same time I feel weird knowing that not much attention is going to be paid to it. I feel like there is some deeper badness implied by mostly ignoring it. But I also know that if i had given one second of hint that I wanted Noah to pay attention to it he would have gone way overboard in standard Noah fashion.
He actually made dinner reservations without my knowledge or input. He did take initiative. Noah is sweet and wonderful. Ok, no stupid angsty shit over the fact that I’m not getting balloons. 🙂
And rbus: the history of Ted is simple. Tom gave me Ted for our first Valentine’s together. I teased him that he bought it at the grocery store on the way home because he realized, “Oh shit… I didn’t do anything for Valentine’s” and he said that wasn’t true. At this point I believe him. It’s all weird. Ted became my constant companion for sleeping basically immediately. I keep him with me for sleeping with such intensity that he has gone on almost every single trip I have been on since then. I had Edmund for a long time–he was another bear that Tom and I had together. Eventually Edmund went to live with a nice girl who really needed a bear to love. Edmund went on a few trips Ted didn’t for a variety of reasons. Edmund went to Ireland by himself because I left Ted on my boyfriend’s bed on my way to the airport. 🙁 That was sad.
But! It’s been a great few years!
Which is caused by a strongly developed Super Ego which began forming after the full on Oedipal stage which… Ok. Too much teaching Freud this week.
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Today, I’m not pretty. Wish I felt smarter as compensation.
So, I went to Texas. We flew into Houston and rented a car and drove to Austin. Did I mention that we arrived at about midnight and didn’t get on the road until one in the morning? We got to Austin and into our hotel at four in the morning. I managed to be remarkably cheerful throughout this entire journey and given my fierce need for predictable sleep this was nearly a miracle. We fitfully slept. Come morning we woke up and stumbled over towards Noah’s brothers house. I did my best to hang back and keep my mouth shut but eventually I ended up talking to his brother’s friends and his brothers a bit. I did my best to say little to his parents. By the end of the day I found I was thrilled to have met his brother’s friends and I think they are totally spiffy people.
The Friday after Thanksgiving we went back to his brother’s house and had Fat Tammies for breakfast. Holy cow were they good. Mashed potatoes and hash browns wrapped around meat. Oh Baby. I spent more time trying to talk to the siblings and hide from the parents, but that got harder as there were fewer people in the house. I did have a conversation about school systems and book worthiness with the parents but I quite consciously kept my comments very limited. When his parents left we had a good time talking more with the siblings and I think my sister-in-law completely rocks. At some point during the day she looked at Noah’s brother and said, “Finally I have someone to talk to while you tell stupid jokes.” *grin* I couldn’t have said it better! She also asked if they could see my tat and I explained the story. As is fairly typical they were not overly communicative; it is a heavy sort of story. Then we drove to Huntsville to stay at his parent’s house. We all sat and talked for a bit but I went to bed at around 10 with the goal of giving his parents time with him without me. He stayed up talking to them for a couple more hours. I got to enjoy book time and talk to japlady on the phone. She says I will get used to things, I disagree at this point.
Saturday we went for a walk with his parents and younger sister after breakfast. I thought it mostly went well. On the way back I was egging his sister on telling her to get a stick and hit Noah with it while I held his hands. This resulted in his mother fiercely berating his younger sister for how she “always goes too far.” I stuck up for the sister saying that I felt the situation was mostly my fault and not his younger sister’s as I had been egging her on the whole time. This resulted in some muttering and a tirade about how I don’t understand the problem. I didn’t say anything. We ran off after that and spent a few hours with Noah’s aunt. I am SO adopting her. I adore the woman. She is fiercely funny and eccentric and very strong-minded. I have a lot of appreciation for someone who really goes their own path. We went back to his parents’ house at his mother’s insistence that we “freshen up” before dinner. Uhm, ok. But we did it. Then we had an ok dinner. By this time I had already told Noah that I should probably not say anything at all if we want to have any kind of peace.
After dinner we wanted to head to bed seeing as we needed to get up at 4. This was 9:30. His parents said they wanted to talk to him for 15 minutes and they wanted me to not be there. Oh great. Yay! They are going to bitch about my behavior! Noah says that bitching about me was only for a little while. Then it turned into a huge long thing about his mother’s culture and how no one respects it. She apparently included some bits about how she can’t be held accountable for her actions because she had a bad childhood. . . . . Yeah. Words escape me. This conversation lasted over two hours and only really ended because I walked over to the house and asked for the car keys so I could get stuff out of the trunk to finish packing. I was incredibly pissed off and I was only as vaguely calm as I was because I have amazing friends who can talk me down. I seriously thought about just leaving. He came back and was tired and didn’t really want to talk about it, but in my charming way I made it pretty clear that I wasn’t going to calm down until we did. So he sucked it up and he tried to explain the gist of the conversation. This was tough to do as he was very tired. He made it pretty clear that most of the conversation wasn’t about me, but I was still pissed that I was the impetus. Apparently I am too loud, I have too many opinions, I am rude, and I don’t give my elders proper respect. I certainly acknowledge that I am loud, no problems admitting that. I have a lot of opinions and I think everyone should. I really don’t believe I was rude on this trip. I am not in denial about the fact that I can be rude, but I was completely on best behavior on this trip and Noah agrees that I was good. And god damnit, I give people exactly as much respect as they earn. And fuck you if you think you deserve more that you aren’t getting.
Needless to say, the trip home starting at 4 am wasn’t thrilling. We talked a lot. I feel pretty safe and secure that Noah isn’t going to demand that I behave in ways which are contrary to my ethics and personal needs. It was hard to get to that point though. And our conversations in general were pretty strained and tough and made worse because we were both so tired. 🙁 I think we are doing ok though. His mother’s comment when I left the house with the keys last night was, “Ut oh, we are all in trouble now.” I resent the comment. Noah isn’t in trouble. I wanted some explanation of what was going on from Noah and he gave it to me as well as he was able. I think his dad is pretty whipped and there isn’t much point in talking to the man as long as his wife hates me because he won’t be allowed to have a decent opinion of me. And I think his mom is going to hate me no matter what. Not worth anyone being in trouble.
So I like the extended family more than I thought I would. But his parents… that’s going to be an ongoing problem. *sigh*
This weekend a couple of things have come up which have been hard. Ok, so one didn’t exactly just come up now, but it was focused on with great force.
In therapy we were talking about how upset I am about the upcoming trip to Texas to meet Noah’s parents. I had originally asked for us to stay in a hotel so we could have more autonomy but through a series of unfortunate events it sounded like we were going to be at the mercy of his mother and her whims for the entire trip. Being me I shut my mouth, gritted my teeth, and was trying to brace myself for the trip. But the anxiety was getting worse and worse and worse. I ended up crying through a lot of therapy because I just can’t bare to be at someone’s mercy like this. I am so freaked out about meeting them, period, that I just can’t be at her beck and call the whole trip or I will freak out. But I’ve been really afraid of talking to Noah about this so he’s been assuming that I was fine with the arrangement.
I finally talked to him yesterday in the midst of my panic attack about how upset I was. How most of the problem was the control. I can’t really handle not being in control of where I am and how I’m getting around. He listened really well. He was willing to do whatever I needed in order to make this situation one where I am not doomed to misery from the outset. Lots more talking later and we are renting a car and getting a hotel room for some of the trip. (During the rest we get to sleep in an out building with a lock on the door so his mother can’t come wake us up before we’re ready.) I’m feeling much better. I’m nervous about how his mom is going to take the news, but that is going to be better than the alternative.
I’m still having a hard time with my family, but that shocks no one.
And yesterday I sucked ass at holding boundaries. I was trying to be supportive of a friend and I did it in a horrible way for me. I let her think encouraged her to think that it would be just fine if she used Noah as her standing ego boost. I shouldn’t have. I should have told her, actually no… Noah isn’t doing that kind of thing right now–neither of us are. But I didn’t. And now I’m scared that I am going to have to say it at some point in the future. I’m having a pretty hard time with the fact that I can’t figure out how to hold the boundaries I think should be in place right now. It isn’t that I am trying to take Noah off the market completely and forever, but I think we should develop a ‘we’ before adding in the complications of other people. It’s hard enough to deal with my insecurities without there being a person to point at and feel insecure about. I think I can learn to be secure here, but I’m not there yet. But I also don’t want to present myself as his jailor. 🙁 I want to be the carefree openly sexual girl but right this minute I can’t be.
Boy howdy does my mood vary a great deal. How tired I am has a rather remarkable influence on my mood. I’ve been doing really well and staying upbeat and at least mostly cheerful for a while, but Wednesdays wipe me out. I need to be at work fairly early on Wednesday because there is always some last minute prep to do so I get here at about 7:30. I teach from 8:20 to 2:35 with a fifteen minute break and a 40 minute lunch. After school I have kids in here to serve detention or get help with work/do makeup testing. At 3:30 I have a meeting with my mentor who is doing stuff with me to help me clear my credential. She leaves at about 4:30. Then I need to make sure I have copies done and my board set up for the next day. I also usually have a little bit of cleaning up and organizing to do. I try to get at least a little bit of grading done as well. If I’m lucky I leave at 5:00. Usually 5:30 and yesterday it was 6. I’m not really saying that my job is harder than anyone else’s, cause it isn’t. I’m not saying I work longer hours, because I don’t. But good grief I am wiped out. I have had other jobs, libraries, retail, food service, substituting–they didn’t wear me out like this. I have to be on for almost all of the time I am at work. I am interacting and responding to questions and thinking as hard and fast as I can. I love it and I don’t want to be doing anything else–but I have nothing left at the end of the day.
So I’ve been feeling remarkably boring and uninteresting lately. I had people over last Friday and it didn’t turn into what I wanted. I invited about 24 people expecting that almost no one would be available with 48 hours notice. I was wrong. I ended up with 20 freakin people in my house. I was really hoping for about 10 so that we could really sit down and play games and be mellow. Instead I ended up hosting all night long. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to be fixing food and getting drinks and showing people how to do stuff all night long. I wanted quiet mostly cuddly time and instead I felt even more wasted by the end. I was not happy that so many of my friends showed up expecting dinner without bringing much if anything at all. I felt kind of taken advantage of. I hadn’t wanted to host a party. Many of the people there didn’t even have much of an interest in playing games which was very disappointing to me because that was what I advertised. So I really wanted a specific type of interaction, I organized it, and then it still didn’t happen. I feel let down.
The rest of the weekend was really awesome though. Time spent basically one-on-one with Noah is about as good as time can get. And Oh My God HAWT sex.
This week I have been dragging ass all week. I need to get a lot more sleep this weekend, which is going to be a challenge for me. I just don’t sleep well/much. And as a result of being tired I feel incredibly insecure. I have less than no reason for being insecure. I don’t think it would be possible for someone to be more into another person than Noah is into me. Yet… I still fel worried and scared. I mean…. he freakin married me. Why am I so insecure? He hasn’t been dating anyone else because we are so wrapped up in our mutual obsession and happiness and glee to be together. I feel scared though. I feel scared that it isn’t going to be long before he is pushing really hard to be with other people more. Given how much time I spend at work it really isn’t reasonable for me to try to date anyone else at this point. I am only awake and not at work for maybe 5 hours a day and I’m getting ready for work, making dinner, and trying to fall asleep for most of them. I don’t have the energy for another person, that is a very small part of the reason I broke up with Erik. (Ok, so mostly he ignored me and didn’t treat me particularly well–but that’s another story.) I was relieved though when I stopped having to balance time and attention with another person. Noah was feeling cranky that I might be going on dates with Erik and paying lots more attention to him and having lots of sex on those dates when I was exhausted and unable to do the same with Noah. Well… no I wasn’t. I just don’t have the energy for anyone right now. 🙁 I’m doing a little better when it’s just Noah though.
I feel like I’m going to have to deal with him going out and chasing someone else soon. This isn’t true, but I’m still worried. We agreed to not go out looking for new partners for a year. Partially cause I am just insecure and partially because I think if we want to have a marriage that is a full on partnership we need to give that time to develop before we deal with other people and their needs. He agreed to that, but I pushed for it. Just like I pushed for the actual elopement. Just like I’m the one pushing for D/s. He says he wants these things too, and he agrees whenever I push… but I am the one pushing. 🙁 I feel very scared that I am pushing too hard/far and he is going to eventually get upset with me for asking for too much. I am terrified of once again asking for too much, wanting too much, needing too much from a partner. I don’t know how I would handle it to be rejected by Noah the way I have been by my other partners.
I feel like I want to just stop pushing for things but I know that I can’t really manage to stop asking for what I want and I know that I really wouldn’t be happy that way either. And so I’m pushing. And I’m scared. And I’m insecure. And I feel stupid and immature and I often cry when I’m driving in the car. I feel like I have been handed basically everything I have always wanted on a silver platter but I don’t trust this. It’s too new and too fragile.
I’m so scared.
I’m all weird and angsty right now and there are a bunch of reasons for it. My stomach hurts quite a bit and I’m sure that doesn’t help my emotional wonkyness.
This was a very rough weekend. There were high points that were quite wonderful, but a couple of lows that really blew. Cut in case drugs or my personal angst do not appeal.
Today I graded 100 papers. *woof*
Today I broke down and wrote something nasty about a friend because I am so angry. I don’t like it when I do that.
Today I had really good, cheap pad thai with no shrimp.
Today I had to go fill out the paperwork for my Victims of Crime benefits for the third time. When I left the office I broke down crying and couldn’t drive for a few minutes. I called my therapist and left a tearful message because I couldn’t think of anyone to call. That was really hard.
Today I attended a group meeting and did more than my share of the work and demonstrated to myself one more time why I hate group work.
Today I feel weak and ineffective and not very smart.
Today I have spent a lot of time thinking about how stupid I feel and how I don’t know that I even deserve to get a Masters degree. I certainly haven’t done enough to earn it.
Today is suicide Tuesday. I need to remind myself of that. This too shall pass. I will be ok. It’s just suicide Tuesday. I’m not stupid. I’m not useless. I’m not pathetic.
It just really feels like it.
Questions that keep me wondering…
How does one actually move on from the past? I live with ghosts. They are up on my walls and in my heart and in my head. I’m still in love and I carry that love with me into every new person I meet. How do I actually see the new people for who they are? I don’t want to be fighting with my ghosts anymore.
Time. I need to give myself time. I am so terrified of time though.
I have had several people ask me lately what my secret is. How am I doing so much better than other people… dude. I don’t know if I am or not, but I have such a long way to go. I’m trying though to make me better. I’m trying…
No dating. That is what I need to do but I know I won’t. Saturday may include a couple of hours with a maybe I am just starting to talk to. Last night’s date went extremely well–well enough to startle me into starting some major projections and thus my freak out. I see Noah next week, but that isn’t really a date. Then no time for a date until the 9th. Dude. Being busy is… probably good.
I’m feeling pretty stupid/lame/out of place right now. I am going on a little hiking thing/overnight trip tomorrow with people I knew in high school. I’m kind of freaking out. It’s all tied in with a lot of other basic insecurities.
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