Tag Archives: birthday

Birthday blues.

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I have not had a history of good birthdays. Pre-18 most of them were either screamingly awful in every way or at least had some drama that soured them. 19 I spent with Anna. She brought me flowers and a balloon and took me to dinner. That was one of my best birthdays ever. 20 consisted of Anna and Tom giving me flowers and taking me to dinner. That was a pretty decent birthday. 21 was the temper tantrum Anna threw at BaGG because going reminded her of her own abuse history. 22 was totally ignored because we were going on a trip later that month. (Uhm… it’s for your birthday! Yeah! Oh, I was planning it anyway… oh well. Don’t get me wrong. The trip was awesome.) 23 was the awkward birthday party that Tom hosted after I broke up with him. Right. It was a good birthday party but so strangely uncomfortable. 24 I woke up and spent the morning crying because I knew Puppy wanted to break up with me. Then I spent the day watching Noah and his then girlfriend and feeling jealous with no way to express that. heh. 25 was mostly ignored.

My birthday is destined to go poorly. It just seems to be fate. I desperately wish that weren’t true, but due to circumstances beyond my control and having weird feelings about the event I don’t think I am capable of enjoying a birthday. I want to do something, but I don’t know what. Noah has suggested trips but I’m stupid and petty and my response is, “Oh yeah! Let’s duplicate that trip you took with how many ex girlfriends?!” I know I shouldn’t react that way. I don’t seem to be able to stop though.

I wish I knew what I wanted. If I knew what I wanted I could at least ask for it and hope to get it. But I don’t know. So I sit here and think–ok, Monday is another birthday. What did I accomplish in the last 12 months? I survived my first year of marriage without making him hate me. Woo hoo!! That is a big one. I painted my house. I survived teaching full time. But I still feel like something is missing. I feel like I am failing in some big, painfully obvious way because there is something I want and don’t seem to be able to have.

I hate my birthday.

Happy Birthday to me

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Hm. This is one of those times to be reflective like. I’m 25 now. What in the hell am I doing with my life?

I have a brand-spankin-new husband who makes me deliriously happy. I have a great boyfriend who is quite cheerful about my various neuroticisms. I have a job I love and a the best chosen family ever. I have a nifty new car! I have an unfinished but already nifty tattoo.

I have a house. Legally half of this puppy is mine now. It’s an ok house and has potential to be a great house with some labor. I’m ok with that. I have almost no bio-family left to speak of. I have no free time nor extra energy for most anything.

I’m happy with most of my life, but there are big unavoidable things that are making me very sad. I’m not done with my masters yet and that is being hard for me. And as much as I am sad that I don’t get to see all of the nifty people in my life more I kind of feel like I need to cut back on what time I do spend with people if I am going to be as good at my job as I want to be and if I want to have the house I want to have. Being an adult is hard.

I’m not yet as good at managing my stress levels and my emotions as I want to be. I’m worlds better than I used to be, but I’m still not good enough. I still spend far too much time lashing out at Noah and that just isn’t ok. I have to have better control over myself before I have any right to have children or business doing it. I don’t want my kids to deal with the uncertainties of mood that currently run my life. I have some hard work ahead of me to get this into control.

I am not doing enough to be in as good of physical shape as I want to be in. I don’t know when or if I will ever get back to dancing. I am already too swamped with time commitments. It’s kind of hard because I have a very clear picture of where I want to be in life and it seems like it isn’t that far away and yet if I spend my entire life feeling this way I will always be discontent with myself and I will never be particularly happy. I have a hard time seeing the happy making things and instead I focus on the negative too much. This is yet another thing I need to work on.

Oh, and no one in my family knows I am married. I still don’t know how to feel about that.

Oh, and as far as I know–no presents this year. That is kind of an interesting welcome to adulthood. I’m not upset about it. Just… kind of noticing coldly.