Tag Archives: family

Family and Grief

I went to a funeral today. Anna’s grandmother died. They were very close and this has hit her like a ton of bricks. I thought I wouldn’t be particularly affected. But I was. I cried through almost the entire thing. I cried for the grandparents I never knew. I cried for my father and for my brother and the funerals I was not able to go to. I cried because I am afraid I will never have a relationship with my mother again. I cried out of jealousy. Bess, Anna’s grandmother, was a very pushy, efficient, no-nonsense, loving and caring person. She has a large family who all adore her and went to great lengths to always have relationships with her as she did with them. I watched the grief of Anna’s family and cried because I don’t have a family.

Today I grieve for all the things that never were and can never be. Tomorrow I need to stop looking back. I need to instead look towards the future that I have. I have the most amazing chosen family I can imagine. My chosen family would back me and support me through anything at all. They will be my mourners. I will have children and with the grace of god I will manage to not totally fuck them up and maybe they accept and return the oceans of love I have to give. I have Noah. This man loves me more than I ever dreamed I would be loved–I am so incredibly lucky.

Yeah, I have things in my past that deserve grief. But I have an amazing future ahead of me. I even have a really great present.

To my family: thank you for loving me.

{my shit} family blow up

So my sister has some serious problems. She is a drug addict and an alcoholic. She was doing well for several years and now she is off the wagon again. She is choosing to host parties for her children’s friends in which many teenagers get very drunk and often there is a lot of pot involved. As a mandated reporter, I have a problem with this. I also have a problem with the abusive environment in which she is raising her children. She is an alcoholic, with all the erratic behavior that entails. I believe it would be best for her children to be taken away from her.

Let me try to start the story of yesterday from the beginning.

My mom called yesterday morning just to chat and the topic of my sister eventually came up. I expressed my concern about the parties that my sister hosts and told my mother the stories that my sister has relayed about some of the parties. (A 12 year old with severe alcohol poisoning and a 14 year old girl taking on multiple guys at once and having it be photographed and then put on the internet being the stories that bother me the most.) There was to be a party last night and legally I have to report it. I just wasn’t sure how hard to push it. My mother encouraged me, nay–begged me to call the police and do anything in my power to have my sister’s children taken away. I felt rather conflicted and I didn’t decide what to do while on the phone with her. I talked to my brother about it and he thinks that anything that could cause my sister to lose her children would be for the best. A little while later my mother called back and told me she has been thinking about the situation like crazy and she has to tell me that if I decide to do this and my sister ever finds out that it was me who turned her in I cannot let on that my mother knew about it. My mother explicitly told me that she would call me a liar if I ever said she knew anything about it. I got rather hysterical and yelled, “Just like my father called me a liar?” and hung up the phone.

The rest of the day was a series of overly frantic and urgent phone calls to various friends who have knowledge of the legal system and a family friend who is a lawyer and my brother. My brother and I had some really hard and crappy phone calls. Eventually I decided to go over to my sister’s house and check the party out for myself before I decided what to do. By 7:30 they were out of beer and the people who bring the hard alcohol and pot weren’t at this party. This would not be the time to call the police in my opinion. Very little would happen. I still have to file a report with CPS, but that can be done as a teacher and my name won’t be involved in the investigation. My sister will think it is one of my niece or nephew’s teachers.

So there was this huge, nasty, dramatic day for… not much of anything. I hate my family. I will not be spending Christmas with my mother. My brother is going to be talking with my mother today and he told me that if she does not show a rather drastic change of attitude she will no longer have access to his children either because she is perpetuating the cycle of alcoholism and abuse. It is going to be difficult to explain to my sister what is going on and why I am not going to be there, but oh well.

I don’t have a father. I don’t have a mother. My sister is an alcoholic, abusive person who cannot seem to break the cycle she is in. She is headed for another downward spiral and I cannot and will not be a part of it nor condone it. My brother is a controlling, belligerant asshole and talking with him always leaves me more frazzled and upset than I was before. As much as I don’t want to, I need to completely cut my bio-family out of my life. They are destroying themselves and they want to take me down with them. I simply do not have the strenth to be involved with them and maintain appropriate boundaries for myself.

I am tired of this whole mess. I can see no way in which I have benefitted. I feel so incredibly alone and it hurts.

What the hell…

So, my sister is having a party on Saturday and she told me to invite all my friends. I think she is insane, but I’m going to do it apparently. 🙂

Details: Saturday December 3rd. From 6-9 it will be somewhat mellow, but after 9 it is byob and do whatever you please. I’m not sure she means do whatever you please in the sense that my friends do… but she has told me that she means it about 8 times. I’m going to have to trust her. It is my intention to go. Would anyone be interested in joining me? It is South San Jose, actual address will be emailed…

*gulp*

My sister decided to create an lj so she can start reading mine. Heh. I didn’t put her on on any of the dirty filters…

*wave*

Hi Sissy! Jenny is around! Uhm…. I think that is the only one you know.

woof

And that is a deadpan, non-emotive woof. I am freakin exhausted. I slept for a couple of hours tonight and I still hurt from exhaustion. I actually got an almost-normal amount of sleep this weekend so I’m not completely sure why I am this tired.

I had quite the weekend. I went down to Santa Cruz with my nephew for the beach burn. During the weekend he did something stupid (he is 15 after all) and I said, “Good going genius.” For the rest of the weekend everyone there called him Genius and it was put on his name tag. He told me he likes it and wants it to stick as his nickname. Odd boy. He was surprised at my ability to track exactly how much alcohol and pot he did over the weekend. I kept telling him, “Dude–these are my friends. Of course they will rat on you.” He stayed at a moderate level though and given that his mother is ok with him using both substances, I kept my mouth shut. I did ask him to stop mid-way through Friday night because I felt he was at the limit of what he should do in a night and he stuck with my recommendation. I was glad. It was interesting taking him down there because he got to see examples of people who use responsibly and people who use irresponsibly and it was kind of cool to see the dichotomy up close. He also handled the sexual innuendo pretty well and told me that the party will be a whole lot more fun when he is over 18 and the girls don’t avoid him like the plague. I can see that….

I learned some lessons this weekend that I have learned before so I feel like a schmuck for not having actually absorbed them before. I don’t like loud, large, anonymous parties. I just don’t. I don’t have fun; I don’t feel safe; I don’t relax. So why do I go to them? I think I believe that they should be fun, or maybe I believe that since I am so much of an extrovert that I must like large parties… right? Well I just don’t. I hate them. And loud music makes my stomach hurt and I get grumpy. I need to not go to them anymore. It isn’t that I am a stick-in-the-mud, I just prefer smaller gatherings.

Puppy and I had a couple of blow-ups and two long and hard discussions. There are things in this relationship that are very hard for me. We really do have trouble communicating. He pointed out that a big part of our problem is that we are too much alike. We are both extremely sensitive and emotional. We both take teasing too seriously and get upset and we both feed off of one another’s upset. ugh. It is like he is a cross between Noah and Tom. He has many of the qualities that I loved so much about Tom, but he wants to process… a lot… Yeah. That is straight up Noah territory. Ostensibly this should be the best of both worlds… if we can figure one another out… I’m scared because I want to run more than I have wanted to run in a very long time. This relationship is absolutely terrifying to me on a basic level and I can’t entirely figure out why.

Brain dump

My cat is here now. Yay!

My eyes hurt like crazy from all the chlorine today. I am sore from swimming for hours on end. I tremendously enjoyed the time spent with my niece and nephew and even their friend though he can be trying at times. I need to find a way to spend more time with them on a consistent people because while my back was turned they became very cool people. Raging Waters is apparently way fun.

It was really good to have bonding time with blood relatives today. I am so very strange about blood relations. I am really glad that I can be the aunt to them that I don’t have. I love them and accept them no matter what kind of quirks they have or how annoying they are or whether or not they keep their mouths shut when the topic of family secrets come up. I hug them and cheer them on and tell them I am proud of them. Even when I am stretching it a little, the looks on their faces makes it worth it.

I’m really really happy.

enh

I hate unpacking and I’m tired. Besides, Puppy is off doing something fun–it’s ok for me to take a break.

The trip was up and down and up and down and….
My first impulse is to say that I hate his father. It probably is an overstatement though. His father is going to be a problem for me probably for the rest of his life, though I bet we will eventually come to some sort of terms. I will never again be at that man’s beck and call night and day. Of that I am 100% certain. I am never setting foot in that RV again. I will be renting a car during all future visits. I will not stay at his house. My schedule will never be at his beck and call. He is a total jerk. Specifically: he is fond of telling people what is expected of them at the very last second and then getting really angry when they are not finished when he would like them to be. He also never gives anyone enough information and gets really frustrated when they don’t read his mind. He likes to yell and give orders when it isn’t appropriate. When things are going his way, and everyone is jumping fast enough, he can be ok though. I refuse to ever be at his mercy again. But he isn’t actually evil and I probably don’t actually hate him. I just don’t deal well with his style of interaction. He is incredibly self-centered and rude and…. I wanted to shoot him many times during the trip.

The step-mother is stupid. Literally. I think she has a low IQ. By the end of the trip I reached the conclusion that I will probably never care enough about her one way or another to have an opinion. She is annoying, but I tend to just ignore the annoyance factor from people who are that stupid.

The little brothers are awesome. The youngest one, who called me the sucky girlfriend early in the trip and made me cry, turned out to be really cool–he’s just an almost 12 year old boy and he says rude/stupid things sometimes. For the last two days whenever anyone said anything that wasn’t polite to me he would give them a dirty look and say, “Don’t say mean things to Princess! She doesn’t like it.” The boys were calling me Mother 4 (Bio-mom, step-mom, then long-time friend’s mother come before me) and when I told them to do things they would get up immediately to do it. They totally ignored their father. It was funny. We spent most of the last three days talking and getting to know one another and I like them both a lot. They are going to come visit us and I can’t wait. 🙂 I think staying for the RV portion of the trip was worth it just to get to know the brothers. I rescued the littlest one when he fell out of the raft during the white water rafting trip (ok, it would have been dealt with by someone else and he probably wouldn’t have gotten seriously hurt anyway) and he called me his hero. 🙂 The older one is heading into high school and we had some pretty adult conversations about interactions between people and ways to handle different situations (his father was yelling at him constantly) and I think I probably helped him get through the trip without some tears because he was on the verge several times.

And Puppy and I had some really awesome adventures. It was lots of fun with him. It was indeed a learning experience. Staying was the right call.

culture shock

Ok. Well. His dad seems to be talking to me this morning, but after hanging back and watching his family interact at breakfast… that may be a bad thing.

Wow are they violent and hostile. You know how people think I am abrasive? I am an infant in the world of hostility. Good grief. Maybe I am just totally misunderstanding their behavior and they only hate me as much as they hate everyone in the whole world.

It still hurts my feelings. But maybe I can stop crying.

The wedding…

Yeah, the wedding wasn’t easy. First off was the fact that I didn’t eat enough early in the day and we had to arrive at 4:15 for a 6:30 wedding. (They were doing pictures first and really we didn’t need to be there till 5, but apparently Puppy’s father is always so fucking late that they lied to him about arrival time and he showed up on time for once.) Dinner wasn’t until almost 8. It was blazingly hot and I felt horrible. The ceremony itself was really sweet. It went longer than anyone was happy about (heat, humidity, constant threat of thunder storms…) but I liked the whole thing and found a lot of beauty in seeing the meshing of the cultures. The vows were awesome, “I promise to clean up my dishes in a timely fashion and laugh at your jokes…” “I promise to let you sleep in on the weekends and tell you I love you every night before bed and at other spontaneous times…” The two people getting married seem like they could be cool, not that I will ever get to know them. The groom looked freaked out the whole time and I wasn’t sure what was up with that. Probably part of it was that he had on a tux and then the kittel? over it (which is a robe thing that he will keep and wear throughout his life for ceremonial stuff). He was sweating buckets.

I sat by myself in front of this young couple (they are both English teachers) who were making dirty comments before the ceremony. Girl: “I am so sticky and wet.” Guy: “Cool!” She blushed three shades of red; it was very charming.

I felt really on the outside; I didn’t really know anyone and that felt awkward. His father has basically stopped acknowledging my presence and that is a problem.

During the reception Puppy and I talked about taking his younger brothers and the two elderly infirm men in the family home so that the others could stay and enjoy the party. When Puppy suggested this to his dad he was told no because his strength was needed to load up the vehicle later so he couldn’t go. He said I could go home with the nasty aunt and crew instead. I didn’t do this though. Instead I threw a temper tantrum (well, I told Puppy in a very unhappy voice, “Oh that sounds fun” and got up and left the table and wandered off into the woods) and spent almost an hour by myself. Puppy eventually found me while I was on the phone with Japlady and we talked about the shit that was going on. I took her advice and told him about how his family has been treating me. He told me that I am misinterpreting, that there is no way they are actually treating me that way and he wishes that he could help me fix the part of me that is broken and sees insult in everything. I let the situation go and he and I actually had a lot of fun together at the wedding.
We spent most of our time wandering in the woods and we had sex and several blow jobs and I took my clothes off and he dumped water on me (dear god was that good) and we talked and kissed and played. Eventually we danced to the band and had cake and between the two of us we had a lot of fun. (We did the polka and West coast swing and east coast swing and cross-step waltz–he is massively improving.)
When the party was finally winding down his dad made a number of really nasty comments about, “I don’t know how I am going to load everything in with three people… This is so much harder than it has to be…” Really he was being an asshole. I almost suggested that I go home with the step-mom because she was alone in her car and didn’t have much of anything in it. But I didn’t, and there was a huge amount of empty space in the SUV anyway so he was just being a dick. On the ride home he completely ignored every single thing I said. I felt really shitty. When we got home and crawled into bed Puppy told me that I was right about how his dad was treating me and he has no idea what is motivating it. They are spending the day together today because I am going to go spend the day in DC by myself (anything to get away from this treatment) and Puppy said he is going to ask his dad about it because it isn’t ok. I don’t really want to cause strife between them, but I also don’t appreciate being treated this way.

I feel like I don’t know what to do. Puppy has been basically pleading with me since the day we got here to respond naturally and actually say the things I would normally say because he believes that is the only way his family will respect me. I have been doing so and now his father (and the step-mom stopped speaking to me as well by late last night) is treating me like a pariah. I don’t get to leave for five more days and I am going to be spending two of them in an RV with the whole fucking family. This seems like a recipe for disaster to me. *sigh* I just want to cry.