Tag Archives: friends

Interesting conversation

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I have always gravitated towards computer geeks. Back in high school I used to sit in the background while they coded and I fell asleep at the MST3K showings. I wanted to be around them, but I’ve never shared their passions and interests. It’s always been hard to find things to talk about. This has only compounded as I’ve gotten older. I don’t share interests with most of my friends so I sometimes wonder what exactly makes us friends.

For quite some time I’ve been aware that my interests: psychology, literature, my students when I was teaching, and now Shanna are not shared by most of my social network. As a result most socializing consists of me trying gamely for the first 10-30 minutes then slinking off to a corner while Noah talks to people. I should specify that this is group socializing. One-on-one people usually demonstrate an interest in hearing about my life but then again the number of people who want to have one-on-one time with me is quite small. I’m not particularly sad that there aren’t more people, quality over quantity and all that. I am sad that they have busy lives and I don’t see them much.

I’m fairly tired of feeling like my interests are boring. It isn’t that my interests are boring it is that I am hanging out with mostly adamantly child-free people who only want to talk about technology. I am starting to feel hostile about the degree to which many of my “friends” are dismissive of the things that interest me. Maybe it’s time to start pulling back from social groups. This is a pretty easy transitional time. I want group interactions but unless they are about sex I don’t know what to talk about. *sigh* Time to find some new people I guess.

So this is what this feels like.

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Someone I love very much is hurting. Lots of different things have hurt her. Mostly it is just existing that is hurting her. She doesn’t like herself very much and she doesn’t see why I adore her so much. She’s talking about not wanting to be here anymore. There’s not really anything I can say or do to make her stay if she really wants to go. But I don’t want her to go. I see such a beautiful, wonderful person who has the ability to do so many wondrous things with her life. I see so much power and strength in her. I wish I had the magic words to entreat her to stay.

This is probably how other people felt about me when I really didn’t want to be here anymore. I wish I understood what it was that eventually got me to stay. Maybe it was just knowing how much people were hurt when my brother and my father killed themselves, maybe that was enough. I don’t really want to share the knowledge with her of how bad that was. I don’t think I actually could.

I want a magic wand. I want to make things better. And I can’t. I feel so helpless.

Yay productive and House Guest Information

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Today I have done a bunch of reading. For the record: Northrop Frye may have one or two points that are interesting, but in the main he is a twat. The other critics I read today bothered me far less. I have also folded the laundry, made the bed (Arbus–I don’t know why you like making the bed, I hate it), cleaned up the kitchen after a weekend of use, and did a bunch of random picking up to allow the house to once again look “staged”–aka, boring. I’m all proud of me.

I have also been thinking about how I want to do more actual cleaning this week, partially in preparation for the open houses next weekend and partially because we will have a fabulous house guest. Very excited about hosting Brehen. 🙂

Which brings me to my point about house guests. I have had a number of people (it’s got to be close to 20 at this point) mention coming to visit us in Pittsburgh. This is awesome, wonderful, thrilling news for me to hear–but it also freaks me out and terrifies me. I’ll explain why. I am massively territorial about my space. I want things to be set exactly so, cleaned exactly so, and I want to feel like *I* have more history in my space than anyone else. This leads to all kinds of weird things about guests in my house in general. It’s part of the reason that I freak out about hosting events. I have slowly been coming to understand the depth and breadth of my neurosis on this topic as time goes by and more people want me to host parties/weekend stays/etc. I am not complaining about people wanting to visit me or stay with me or what have you. Really, I’m not. What I am saying is that in order for me to feel fully comfortable with that I need to be respectful of my own needs for boundaries.

Which brings me to the blunt part. I don’t want to host anyone for an entire weekend for the first six months we live in Pittsburgh. I may make an exception if there is some kind of emergency situation–but it would take something pretty damn extreme. I know that sounds like a long time, but it probably won’t feel that way to me. I want to settle in to my house slowly and feel like there is no pressure around needing to entertain anyone. I will also be settling into seeing how things work with the Lizard because if things go according to plan, the end of the six month period will mean the Lizard is only about eight months old. After that six month period I will probably be missing people like mad and I will be begging people to come stay with me. It’s just very important to me that I have it. I’ve told a number of people this individually, but I think that a couple of people felt like it was a personal rejection and it really isn’t. If I don’t want *you* to come stay with me ever I’ll bloody well tell you that. 🙂

So if you tell me “I want to come visit you” anytime soon I may cringe and say “Not until spring.”

Oh… unless you mean coming to stay at the Disaster House. Feel free to ask for that. I have all kinds of feelings about this house that mean I am not real attached to who stays here. 🙂

Running away

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Today I run away from home. I’m going north. I’m only go to be there for three days before Noah joins me. I think that is for the best because more than three days and we are pretty pathetic. I look forward to the time I am going to have with friends. I look forward to taking Noah on his first backpacking trip. I look forward to showing him Portland and Seattle as I feel very comfortable in both towns. Look! Stuff he hasn’t done! Squee! Maybe feeling consciously the things I am sharing will make me feel less twitchy about the stuff that he shares. Here’s to hope!

I will be back though. California, and specifically the bay area, is home. But running away from home can be fun at times.

+/-

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Good: my life.
Bad: some of my friends lives.

I’ve recently been talking with an old friend. There is so much drama going on in his life that it is unreal. He had an affair for over a year with a girl 26 years his junior. Now he is going through a messy divorce for the girl. And the girl got mad at him and punched him in the face when she found out that *gasp* he has had sex with his wife during the course of the affair. But it’s ok because he deserved it because he cheated on her. *blink*

I… have no words.

Geeking (a less than cheerful PSA)

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I have been having an issue for a while now and I have been trying to deal with it in a way that is simply not working for me. I’m about to drastically change how I deal with it and it seems reasonable to let people know what I will be doing and why.

I love my friends–I really do. I don’t put up with people I don’t like/love very much. I have, however, gotten to the breaking point on geeking. I understand that my friends are all very fascinated by their technical gizmos and programming and whatever else stuff ya’ll are into. I do not share this fascination, not even slightly. In general I understand that my lack of technical interest is fairly uncommon in my group of friends so I just kind of tune out when the conversation gets very technical. Unfortunately it has gotten to the point where I have started timing the portion of geek talking to conversation I am able to participate in and many gatherings are 2/3 conversations I can’t be part of. Given how little time I actually spend with people this is pretty unacceptable to me.

The thing that is bothering me the most is when I manage to start having a non-geeky conversation with one person and someone else joins the conversation and within five minutes they have steered the conversation to where I am completely excluded. I am not saying anyone is awful and horrible for this, but I do think it is thoughtless, inconsiderate, and rude. It is rather difficult to get most of you into a non-geeky conversation at a group event and it is hard for me to keep putting energy into a losing battle of trying. I feel very demoralized and rejected at most group events and that is a big factor in why I have just not been going. I don’t think my friends realize how much you are rejecting my participation in a conversation when you spend hours talking about things I have absolutely no interest in or knowledge of. You might as well switch to German for all I understand.

And I’m done. I’m sick of feeling like that at group events. I’m not going to sit there and feel like shit anymore. I am going to start getting up and leaving. If I am going to be ignored and exluded from conversation I would rather do that in a different place so it doesn’t feel like such a slap in the face. I understand that no one is really consciously trying to hurt me–I do understand that. However knowing that people aren’t trying to hurt me doesn’t change the fact that it hurts me.

I am completely uninterested in being told that I should listen and try to learn from the situation and I would greatly appreciate it if no one gave me such advice. I will in fact be very angry if anyone tells me that I should get over my feelings and try to be more accepting. This is about setting boundaries and I have that right. Once upon a time I used to go to a munch and the boys liked to talk about guns, cars, and computers. Guns and cars are both more accessible topics for me as I have a fairly significant level of understanding of both, however I have no interest. The boys learned that they were free to talk about guns, cars, and computers but I would walk away from the conversation. I am not saying people shouldn’t talk about things I have no interest in, I am saying I am not going to sit and listen. It isn’t that I can’t understand it is that I don’t care to.

re: Rose42dance

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Pryankster list just received:

Good news! Just heard from Sara, and apparently the surgery went well. She’s out
of recovery and in a room, and when I spoke with her they were just bringing her
some juice. They want to keep her there until she’s eaten and passed a meal, so it
may be a day or two. She’s on pain medication from the surgery, and sleeping quite
a bit, so the hospital policy is to block incoming phone calls for 24 hours after
surgery. She’ll be able to take calls starting tomorrow morning.

Visitors are allowed, however, and visiting hours end at 9:00 tonight.

The hospital’s phone number is (510) 537-1234, and she’s in room 2404.

(If you don’t know who this is talking about, don’t worry about. Pryanksters–pass it on.)
Yay!

Weekends are good.

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I got to see several friends I haven’t seen in a while. That was nice. I also got to go rock climbing! It was totally fun even though I suck. 🙂 Would anyone be interested in going with me again? I promise that next time I will make sure I get a belay class so you aren’t stuck bouldering. 🙂

Much yummy snuggly time on Sunday. Mmmmm. I loves my husband. Along with a bit of “processing.” I’m tired of processing. *sigh* I need to work on being less crazy though, so I’ll keep it up.

This morning started at 5am. I rolled my ass out of bed and went to boot camp. I kept the very out of shape and heavy older woman company as we walked and occasionally sorta half-jogged around the track. I didn’t keep her company to be nice, I did it cause I am that freakin out of shape. heh But, I feel alright. My back is a bit wonky but that’s ok.

How does one be positive? I try so hard and yet… I don’t know. I can’t seem to manage it in an ongoing fashion.

And: I am often in the car between 3:30ish and 6-ish very bored. Who likes talking on the phone? I have this phobia of calling anyone because so many of my friends are passionately anti-phone but surely I am not the only one who likes talking to people on the phone…

Postcards and phone calls and mess, oh my!

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Ok, if you see this post you need to send me your address today in an email. PLEASE assume I don’t have it. (Hard drive crashes, rebuilds not happening… all suck.) If you have an email, use whatever you have. If you haven’t got one: this nick @ livejournal DOT com works. 🙂

And a request: I’m going to be sending little pieces of travelogue to different people in postcards. It would be really cool if people would copy that portion onto their lj with a tag: Krissy’s travelogue. 😀 How’s that for a meme? When I get back I will cut’n’paste the stuff I sent to everyone and put it all in a big nifty piece for me to keep. 🙂 Perty please!

Yay!

*bounce*

Oh, and I plan to be off-line for the next three weeks. I plan to check email no more than once a week (it will mean I actually go do things) so even when I do check it I probably won’t respond. I won’t be checking lj or anything at all so if you want me to see something eventually shoot me an email with the link and I’ll make sure I check it when I get home.

Additional note: this whole going offline thing is hard and scary for me. For the first 9 days I really am going to be on my own as the NY people I know may not really be up for much. Phone calls would be great. If you think of me and want to say hi: just call and say that. I would really appreciate feeling loved sporadically throughout the trip. In case you don’t have it, my number is: 408-202-4083. If you call I will give you a suuuuuuper detailed description of what I am looking at so that you can feel like you are with me. 🙂

Oh! And! If you come over to the house to see Noah, please ignore the mess. I have had about three days to unpack and I just haven’t been able to get much done. 🙁

Pieces of the picture.

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People have pictures of me, of my past. Abuse, poverty, moved a lot, bad family. Here’s another piece of that.

My father had money. A pretty fair amount of money. Part of that was inherited. So why did I grow up in poverty then? Because accepting his money meant playing by his rules. It meant playing those stupid, vapid, bullshit games that rich people play. It is more about who you know than what you know. It is more about sucking up to people you don’t respect than about being honest.

My mother couldn’t psychologically handle my father’s games–she wasn’t brought up in a world where she even knew such things existed. I think that is a lot of why she is so fractured now. I just refused. I won’t kiss anyone’s ass. I won’t play the game your way. I won’t act like your behavior is ok when I believe it isn’t. Does this make me a bitch? I don’t think so but apparently other people do. I call bullshit because I have to call bullshit. Yes, I know I need to work on my tone of voice. I am still reacting with almost two decades of pent up hatred and rage towards all of the things that are so fucked up about my early life. I am trying so hard and it feels like I will never get far enough. I don’t want to stop saying my truth but I hope that someday I don’t sound so angry that the message is lost.

I have a problem with people who think things shouldn’t be said. I don’t respect that attitude or behaviour. I need to work on how I am saying things but I don’t want to ever stop saying them. If that means I am not someone that should be introduced to family, fine. I don’t agree with the hypocracy that my words are fine in one context and not in another but I don’t actually get to decide what all people put up with.

I’m angry and I don’t entirely know what about. I know I am reacting to age old baggage and I need to stop but I don’t know how. I don’t think I was wrong but my tone of voice was.

Something I don’t understand: if my behavior and attitudes are so fucking unacceptable, why do people want me in their life? It isn’t as if I am sitting at home alone because people hate me. There doesn’t seem to be any way that I can really be that bad or wrong. I am tired of being treated like I am though.

Shibaricon

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Let me explain, no–there is too much. Let me sum up.

Travel was a nightmare. There were so many delays that it was just un-fuckingbelievable. I don’t want to ever fly to Chicago again. The place is cursed. You can’t get in and you can’t get out.

Noah and I traded off being cranky and traveling together seems to work very well–yay! Yeah, he’s the right one.

The con itself was very eh. The classes were not particularly inspiring. I felt that there wasn’t much that challenged me.

I got to see some really wonderful people that I rarely see and that was cool. I met more new people at this con than I probably ever have before.

I got to see my Julia and my Bridgett. Ok, the travel was worth it.

I got suspended and I tied up a hot boy and I kicked around another hot boy. Not a bad weekend.

I was a complete and total bitch to japlady and her father. *sigh* Will I ever grow up?

I am really sick of waking up with the sun no matter what timezone I am in.

I missed Google Boy something fierce. I am so happy I get to see him tonight.

Chicago food does *not* agree with my tummy. Next time I am at the food mercy of japlady I need to put my foot down about not so much greasy meat. Ugh. My stomach still feels disgusting. 🙁

But overall I had fun and I’m glad I went. I am mostly sorry about the days missed from work but such is life.

Family and Grief

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I went to a funeral today. Anna’s grandmother died. They were very close and this has hit her like a ton of bricks. I thought I wouldn’t be particularly affected. But I was. I cried through almost the entire thing. I cried for the grandparents I never knew. I cried for my father and for my brother and the funerals I was not able to go to. I cried because I am afraid I will never have a relationship with my mother again. I cried out of jealousy. Bess, Anna’s grandmother, was a very pushy, efficient, no-nonsense, loving and caring person. She has a large family who all adore her and went to great lengths to always have relationships with her as she did with them. I watched the grief of Anna’s family and cried because I don’t have a family.

Today I grieve for all the things that never were and can never be. Tomorrow I need to stop looking back. I need to instead look towards the future that I have. I have the most amazing chosen family I can imagine. My chosen family would back me and support me through anything at all. They will be my mourners. I will have children and with the grace of god I will manage to not totally fuck them up and maybe they accept and return the oceans of love I have to give. I have Noah. This man loves me more than I ever dreamed I would be loved–I am so incredibly lucky.

Yeah, I have things in my past that deserve grief. But I have an amazing future ahead of me. I even have a really great present.

To my family: thank you for loving me.

brain dump

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I love my friends. Especially the ones I have to go very far in order to see. Ya’ll are wonderful.

Twin beds aren’t that bad for snuggling/sleeping but pillows really are my friend. Owie neck.

I am seriously cranky and emotional and I’m not sure why. For the last hour or more I have been fighting off tears and not terribly successfully.

I have such a horrible case of senioritis that it is unreal. I have exactly 11 more class sessions to attend and getting through them is going to be a nightmare. I am starting to hate grad school with a passion. I am chanting in my head that I have one more month before classes end. Then the kiddos only have three weeks past that. In seven weeks I have freedom. Yay.

I passed the first round of my comp exams. I think I deafened the department chair when he called to tell me.

I feel like I am stuck between worlds. I want to be a dancer. I want to be a pervert. I want to be a Burner. I want to hang out with the poly people (for lack of a better way of defining that group). I can’t do everything. I just can’t. There isn’t enough time in the day. I don’t want to give anything up and it is making me very very sad. I don’t know how to juggle my time any better. My blessings are so profound and overwhelming that I am incapable of properly embracing them all. *sigh*

I want to make that stupid pop up thing on the bottom of my screen go away and I can’t figure out how to do it.

In the next five weeks I need to find time in the insanity of my life to make a bodice. I want to scream.

And yet… my life is good. I’m just feeling the stress a bit too much today. It’ll all be ok. Just have to get through some of the harder stuff. Life will figure itself out. In not very long I won’t be able to run around like a mad woman all the time. I can get through two years. Then things have to calm down whether I like it or not. 🙂 But I’m looking forward to it.

A weekend (almost entirely) at home.

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So I have to run out on Saturday for therapy and then a little bit of other stuff in parts north so Saturday isn’t part of this… (What a weird exception…)

But I will be spending this coming Friday and Sunday in my house. I’m NOT leaving. So I would like to invite people to drop by as they see fit. 🙂 Some notice of what day/time-ish to expect you would be awesome but I am going to be generally hanging around my house doing homework, watching movies, cooking, probably baking, and generally slacking from about 3pm on Friday until 10:30 am Saturday (feel free to spend the night). Then I run north for an undetermined period of time so I am just saying that you can show up whenever you like on Sunday cause I can promise that I will be awake before just about anyone on my friends list. 🙂 Ok, maybe James will be up at the same time–but I’ve been freakish lately about 6:30 and he usually sleeps at least a little more than that…

This post is not going to exist forever because it has personal data in it, but if you want this information in general consider this your opportunity to copy it into your address book. 🙂

5259 Camden Ave #69
San Jose, CA. 95124
408-202-4083

Parking is a bit strange. There is lots of unmarked spaces in the back of the complex but then finding my apartment is complicated. If you are coming down Camden from 85 make a right on Merrill Ave. Take the… fourth or fifth driveway… it’s the last one into the big apartment complex. Follow the ugly chainlink fence down almost to the very end. Park in any of the unmarked spots. Then walk down the driveway thing (as straight as possible) until you run into a wall. Walk just a bit to the right and you should see a stairway. Walk up and the building you see across from you is mine. I’m down almost at the very end. Please feel free to call me and tell me that my directions suck ass and where the hell are you. 🙂

The good, the bad, and the scheduling.

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Bad first:

I had a conversation today that attacked my faith in humanity. Someone that I have liked expressed some opinions that go beyond me disliking them. My friends have opinions I dislike on a regular basis and I deal with that. However, someone believing that doctors and pharmacists should be allowed to not treat patients if they don’t want to I… it’s beyond dislike. Should teachers be able to say they don’t like a student and will not teach them? Should police officers only protect and serve people they like? The idea of people in service jobs only serving people they like/want to serve offends the very core of me. Does that mean that schools should not have been integrated? Should women still not be allowed to attend college or hold jobs of their own or…

I believe that this person is childish and immature and selfish and self-centered in ways that could be potentially harmful to other people. I’m glad I learned that before I developed any real affection for her because now I know that I don’t want to. I feel kind of sad that there are such people in my general circle though. 🙁

Ok, that was the bad bit of my day.

There were many good bits though. I found out that it isn’t “necessary” for me to go visit the most wonderful fairy I know next weekend because technically she doesn’t “need” my help. Instead, I get to go visit her because she is wonderful enough to want to see me and I get to spend time with one of the most amazing women I know. I think that deserves a big fat YAY!!!

I got a lovely massage from a dear man and I feel more grounded and centered and happy. Also sleepy. 🙂 I might actually sleep tonight!

I got to spend time with the new partner of a dear friend and it was awesome. She is smart and funny and interesting and not psycho and not a bitch and not a whiney dependent dipshit. I am so happy his taste has improved since me. 😉 Seriously though, I really need to spend more time with her while she is here because I think she is that rare kind of person that I will actually like *and* respect. 🙂 Another definate yay!

I’m really happy that I don’t feel as sad as I did last night.

Scheduling!!! What in the fuck is happening this weekend? I haven’t figured out what the freak I am doing and I know I am swimming in options so please help me out here! 🙂 If you don’t want to leave a comment send me an email. Thanks! 🙂

Interesting trip

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I noticed a lot of things this weekend. I used to feel bad that I didn’t follow/couldn’t follow their conversations about computer games/geeky stuff. Now I realize I just don’t give a shit and it isn’t a reflection of my intelligence. YAY!

It was very interesting. I bet I would have had fun talking with more of the SO’s of the geek boys, but I was being shy and I didn’t initiate many conversations. I had a great time talking with the host though–she’s a sometimes dancer and all-around nifty person. Catching up with her was probably worth the hike and being bored a lot of the time. I played a couple of games and did ok most of the time. I broke my boycott of Scrabble. I am more than somewhat amused that the entire situation felt like stepping into a time warp. They are the same people dressing in basically the same clothes doing the same things and having the same conversations. Ok, so they now intersperse comments about work instead of classes… but it was odd.

I no longer feel hated or rejected, but I am a bit more comfortable in knowing that it just isn’t my crowd. That is some lovely closure for me. 🙂

Catastrophic!!! Oh, maybe just obnoxious…

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Yesterday the hard drive on my laptop died. I have been assured that this isn’t my fault by no less than three very very talented computer people so I don’t feel guilty anymore. Needless to say, I kind of freaked out though. I feared all was lost as far as my data goes and that is scary shit.

This situation led to a major pity party on my part. There was no one to hold my hand as I fearfully sat in the waiting room of the computer repair place and there was no one to pat my head when I almost started crying when the computer place said they can’t do anything for me. I was all mopey and sad and felt really shitty. However, when I stop to think about it…

Ok, I don’t have one partner to sit there and hold my hand. What do I have instead? I have some fucking amazing friends who are a phone call away, and those friends can/choose to do things that are far more useful than merely holding my hand.

M was my first phone call and he told me where to go to deal with having my computer fixed and we discussed how I need to get a backup computer so that this isn’t such a problem in the future. Then he offered to build me one. YAY!!!!
K was my second phone call and he explained the hard drive problem in a way that I can understand (he is capable of talking down to me without making me feel stupid and that takes serious skill) and then he offered to lend me a laptop until mine can be fixed.
R was my third phone call because I just needed to vent and I knew he would be home and willing to at least listen for a few minutes. He told me to bring my laptop over and he would see what he could do with it. I brought it up there and…. HE RECOVERED THE MOST IMPORTANT FILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is now a GOD in my eyes and he can have just about anything he wants. And of course going over to his house involved snuggling and watching some Hawt porn so the night turned out well in general.

I may not have “a special someone” but I have so many people who are willing to support me and help me. I am so grateful for my friends.

So now it is a serious pain in the ass to deal with fixing my computer, but I’m not freaking out. 🙂