Happy.

Tired.

This weekend I had many opportunities to spend time with some people who rock my world. I would name the Pryanksters who make me feel loved and treasured but it would take a long time and I have to get grading done. I am so happy that I have already made the decision that I will be doing Pryanksters this year. Even Guild Mistress took a moment to stop and tell me that she was happy to have me back. I feel really really welcome and it’s a great feeling.

I got to spend time with some lovely burners and they rocked my world in more ways than one.

Therapy is going well. I’m starting to get into some stuff that is really really really hard for me and… that’s hard for me to do. So I’m glad I’m getting there. If I leave therapy feeling scared and somewhat wounded it means I actually found something important. I’m really happy that I am getting there.

I got to see some pervs who let me know repeatedly that they are happy to have me in their lives.

And I got some lovely, delicious down time. I watched three movies this weekend: Dracula (I need to see it this semester for a class), Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, and Adaptation. I really loved Eternal. It got me to thinking about the concept of second chances. Where and with whom would I want to try again? I had a pretty difficult conversation with someone about that topic. I think I hurt the person. I was telling my truth though and to not tell it… well… I suppose I could have dealt with that. But I didn’t. I said what was in my heart and my mind and I am glad that I am at least being honest with myself. Even if I can’t admit that I want the second chance to the person in question. Really, I’m not as brave as people think I am.

But I’m working towards being a better me. It seems to be a theme lately with some of the women I respect the most: boxofchaos, barelyproper, labelleizzy we will get to where we want to be. I have faith in us.

Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.

Have I mentioned Julia yet? I am not going to sit here crying the whole week before Christmas now. I am going to be in Boston seeing one of the most wonderful women on the planet. I am so grateful for my friends.

the fact that I am so healthy that my doctor will remark how unusual it is.
Jamba Juice once again. I tried the other cherry one…. I’m going to stick with the orange mix.

He responded to my message *and* my email. The he in question is Tom. I haven’t really sat down and had anything resembling a conversation with him since the Ireland trip in January. He said that we could remain friends… Maybe we are ready to start that part? We have been broken up for almost 14 months. How much is it still hurting?

It will be good to see him. I miss him fiercely.

I woke up this morning and checked my email and promptly became a ranting, raving bitch. Well, I finally got my teaching assignment. It is fourty fucking miles from my house. I ranted and was pissy and nasty for a while. Puppy and I went through a debate about whether I should move to SJ and he should move back up to Berkeley basically for the year. This kind of snapped me out of my nastiness. We decided that would suck more than driving and we want to continue living together. I uhhh don’t get to be all nasty about the 9,000 or so miles I am going to put on my car in the next 5 months… I told him that if he thinks he might want to break up with me he better do it now before I go through that or he is going to end up in the hospital because I will beat him so badly he won’t wake up for a week.

Last night I was thanked for driving a friend around on errands yesterday. I literally stopped and blinked. It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to do it. What an interesting thought. I wonder how other people’s brains work. (The thank you was very sweet in any case.)

Still no word on financial aid. However, I think that one is going to work itself out eventually and be ok. I am going to take both loans and let one of them sit in my savings account due to my paranoia about my car dying in the next year. Puppy is much more worried about money than I am. I’m actually kind of worried about his stress level above my own. Money doesn’t get to me the way it seems to get to him.

The MA class this semester turns out to be specifically themes in Californian literature as oppossed to American literature overall. Hrm. Uhm, ok. This class is going to be rather difficult and I am always paranoid when I have one term paper that is 40% of my grade. Can we say, “Don’t fuck up.” It’ll be ok though. I am going to get through this with flying colors, damnit. I want to get an A in this class. Just because I want to have another one on my transcript. 🙂

I think my house is going to be messy for the next few months and I could not care less! 🙂 I am actually all of a sudden *so* grateful that I have already made the decision to not do Dickens. The commute and long hours there on top of my already driving sooooo much and working like crazy would be too much. But now I am really happy that I don’t feel like I am making the decision out of last-minute duress. I really like having things be settled already.

I got another good massage last night. Two in two weeks! My life doesn’t suck. 🙂

I have decided that despite the fact that today did not start off on a great foot, I am going to be in a good mood. I have sang the Bumblebee song to myself three times already and I’m still giggling. Now, I am going to make cookies! I’m going to make sooooo many cookies today. I need to have cookies for sarahh and brian1789 so that they can feel the love as they are on their way to Spain. It isn’t easy going far away from your loved ones for a long time. And cause I’m going to make lots of cookies for them I want to bring some to karenbynight and princeofwands too cause they have been including me in their lives more and more and they make me feel very good about myself. Besides, maybe if I bribe them with good enough cookies they will delay moving away from me by another week or so. *sniff* And and and and… the more I think about making cookies, the more people I think need some cookies. I think the cookie fairy needs to visit a large number of households in the next few days… This means I need to get off my ass!

I have always thought of myself as a rather extreme extrovert. I could never seem to get enough attention/interaction… you name it. I NEED to be around people.

But… I wonder if I have always felt this way because I was operating from a defecit. I never did get much time with people. I was alone because I had no choice–not because I wanted it. I didn’t have friends consistently until my late teens because we moved so often. I spent most of my childhood alone reading a book–kind of the model of introvert, but I was never happy about it. Starting with when I got involved with theatre at LGHS I fought being alone with all of my strength and energy. I kept up the fight until some ways into my relationship with Tom. I often complained about how boring he was because he wanted to sit at home and watch tv, but I was really part of the problem. I wanted him to stay home, but I wanted him to pay more attention to me. It was a difficult arrangment to figure out.

Now, I have been out and out and out and out for the past few months. I have been out so much that Miss Jenny has complained that I am gone far more than I am home–and it has been true in the main. But I returned from Ireland 26 days ago and I have slept somewhere other than my bed 7 times and no one has slept here. This is a rather drastic shift from how things had been happening in the previous three months. And they are shifting because I want them to. I have essentially turned down sex because I knew the person would want to spend the night/snuggle afterwards and I just wasn’t in the headspace for it. I am sleeping alone because I want to. I am breaking dates and staying home because I don’t want to deal with people. It is weird. This is entirely counter to the image I have of myself. I have even skipped some dance things because I just didn’t want to deal with people. I am having more and more trouble getting out of the house on time for dates/events because I just can’t bring myself to face the people. It really isn’t that I don’t want to see/don’t like the people–because I do. I really love and treasure the people in my life. But I’m feeling very overwhelmed by them.

For a while I’m going to try to go to events on my own rather than have a date. If I already have a date with you scheduled, I’m going to try to keep it–but please don’t take it personally if I cancel. I just feel over peopled right now. It’s like I am caving in under the pressure. The semester has begun and despite the fact that my grades weren’t that bad last semester, I need them to be higher this semester. This is going to necessitate more time spent on school.

I don’t know how this is going to play out. But I’m beginning to think I might actually be an introvert who manages to survive fairly well in an extrovert world rather than the extrovert I have always believed.

Very odd.