I’m having oral surgery today. I’m still in the process of fixing shoddy dental work done when I was a kid. I’ve been on antibiotics since yesterday. I feel like I was hit by a truck. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. I feel dizzy and disoriented. My neck muscles are super tight and painful. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Shanna’s not up for that option though. Man. This almost makes me wish I could use the tv as a babysitter. 😛
Yes, I’m aware this is an unusual case. The attitude of the school administrators is sadly not unusual: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=103215199
Supreme Court To Hear School Strip-Search Case
The U.S. Supreme Court hears arguments Tuesday on whether school administrators may strip-search a student based on mere suspicion that the student may possess drugs.
Continue reading
My baby is curled up on the couch sleeping. He’s got a fever. He is generally feeling poopy. I have a cough. I feel kind of dizzy and out of it. No fever though.
Talked to my mommy. Uhm–can I just say that her dropping in the conversation casually that she is selling her mobile home so that she will have the ability to move “Wherever they transfer her” bothers me? She moved down there to be near my brother and his kids. She’s pretty desolate now that she isn’t allowed contact with them. My aunt told me that me having a child is the reason my mom hasn’t killed herself in the past few months because she really was hitting bottom. Oh god. Our relationship is better than it was, but I think that her following us out of state would harm our relationship and not help it.
Of course, I can’t tell her hell-fucking-no right now because she fell off a ladder at work and shattered her shoulder and fucked up her hand really badly. She’s really loopy and out of it on meds. She is having surgery next week. Not a good time to also destroy her hopes and dreams. I’ll wait till she is feeling better to do that. 🙁
This may offend you. I’m kind of rambling and trying to figure out my own judgments about a bunch of different societal things around weight. If you think you are likely to be offended, just don’t read it–please.
Not a good day. Not a good day at all. I’m having anxiety attacks and freaking out. I can point at specific things and say, “See–that’s why I am feeling this way” but it isn’t entirely true. Yes, I feel like this because of those things, but it is my interpretation of those things that creates the problem.
I want to be cryptic and I want to get this shit off my chest before kids get here so I can maybe calm down. I’m sorry baby, I don’t think privacy is going to win this time.
I’m still freaking out because of the scene that went so badly for me in December. I still feel edgy and scared and disturbed. I still don’t want to have sex much. I feel unsafe. But my beloved baby doesn’t feel these same things because he didn’t have the same experience. I don’t say that as a slam or negative statement about him–just as a statement of truth with no judgment. The trouble comes in because I don’t want to have sex. He does. Having ridiculous amounts of sex has been one of the big pillars of our relationship. So uhhhh now we are having a hard time because I don’t feel safe enough to do it and yet he still has the same libido he has always had. I feel pressured and like I am failing to live up to the basics of our relationship. Mostly due to the fact that I am pathetic, insecure, and stupid we aren’t doing the open relationship thing right now so he doesn’t have any other outlet either. This is a problem because I feel like I am not willing to meet his needs and I am keeping him from getting them met elsewhere. This very much feels like the whole situations becomes “all my fault.” It doesn’t help that we have this whole brutal honesty thing. I know he isn’t happy and I feel terribly guilty and awful.
Noah gets upset with me because I can take things he says and twist them just a little bit and use them to beat myself up for a long time. There is a lot right now I am doing that with. I’m having a hard time really believing that he should be with me given that I am failing to a)meet his needs b)allow him to get his needs met elsewhere. I feel like he is suffering because I am crazy and stupid and that isn’t fair to him.
I started thinking at some point this morning that I should just start completely shutting ‘me’ down and just do it. I realized years ago that I am just a hair and a bad day away from being multiple. I am very good at putting on a completely different personality in order to get through various things. I’ve done this since I was a little kid but I have always fought very hard to keep the different personas highly conscious of one another so I am not a real multiple. If I stopped fighting so hard I could easily disassociate completely though. It has certainly happened. I kind of feel like it might be better/easier if I just started doing that. I know that it would be a new and exciting kind of psychological damage and I shouldn’t be seeking new damage in the course of trying to deal with old shit but it feels right now like I am so broken that there is no point in trying to be anything else anyway.
I want to cut. I want to cut so bad I can barely breathe. I would almost like to retreat to the relative comfort/hiding place of being suicidal but I am just functional enough to know that it isn’t an option. I wish it was. Somewhere along the way of fixing my shit I realized that suicide is entirely selfish and I am just functional enough to know how much it would hurt many people for me to do it. I kind of with I didn’t realize it because sometimes I feel like I am drowning under the weight of having to suck it up for the sake of other people.
I don’t know how to be the partner Noah deserves right now. I feel so awful and pathetic and terrible. I hate that I *feel* like he would be better off if I completely disappeared so he could find someone better. I hate that intellectually I know that would destroy him and he would probably never feel safe enough to really look if I did something like that. I would give just about anything to not hurt right now.
The bell rings in three minutes. No more time for me to be stupid and self absorbed.
Some people are aware that I have back problems, but I generally try not to whine too much about the situation. Today I don’t want to whine, I want to lie on the floor and sob. It hurts. It hurts so much I keep seeing flashes of white light through my field of vision. I keep having low level spasms. My kids don’t really seem to notice and that is for the best.
But I notice. And I’m taking enough Ibuprofen to make my stomach hurt. Tonight, Vicodin even though it will make me want to throw up. That feeling is better than this pain.
I don’t really want to write about this, but I want to have record of my experience. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Plus, I need to keep japlady in the loop.
I cried the entire way to school. I cried so hard that technically I shouldn’t have been driving as there were minutes at a time when I couldn’t really see. And I got to school to receive a nasty email from a parent telling me that I have to give her more information. I can’t do everything that is wanted of me right now. I can’t.
All I want to do right now is self-mutilate. But that is one of the things I am not supposed to do. I want to do other various self harming things. I’m not supposed to. So I decided that I wouldn’t eat today. No one has told me I am not allowed to do that. It’ll hurt. It will make me feel physically as shitty as I do emotionally. But if I do that then I can’t do my job at all. And that isn’t allowed.
I’m going to break. I don’t know what is going to completely go, I don’t know how I am going to collapse and fail, but I am going to. I feel it.
It doesn’t seem like I am allowed to have a good day. Right now I feel so overwhelmed and helpless that I really want to do some serious self-harm. I don’t see how this is going to be a good day or a good night.
Yesterday I got into a fast and furious argument with my sister via IM. Noah watched the conversation and feels I was pretty reasonable. Today I got this email. It was sent to my niece and nephew and cc’ed to me.
Well, we had a bit of a broo-ha-ha over IM yesterday. Basically, ifyou want to have anything to do with her, I don’t want to hear aboutit.
I am sick to death of her telling me I’m wrong and she’s right. Iwill NOT listen to one more single word against my mother by anyone. And I know I am right in this. Someone must retain family values andhonor, and that starts by protecting one’s mother.
Love is the counterpoint of all families. It starts with birth andthe incredible love a parent has for their child. That transcends tobrothers, sisters, uncles, cousins, etc., etc. More than love isneeded though; you also must learn forgiveness and compassion. I hopeyou two learn these lessons better than I have. I have forgiven, and Ifeel for them, but I no longer have any desire to put my heart in thethresher to be chewed up and spit out. And I’m angry that my siblingshave never bothered to ask what really happened. Never. They justfigure it started with them I guess. Hah! It started with me andMom. MY mom. I remember it all, and I often wish I didn’t. But Itold myself when I was 5 that I needed to remember it all so I wouldn’tdo to you what was done to me. At least I did that much.
If Auntie wants to know you guys, fine. But unless SHE comes tosome understanding that she is not the only person with a history,pain, anger and serious betrayal issues to deal with, I do not wish tospeak with her. I can no longer handle anyone telling me what I thinkis correct or incorrect; it just is. I can no longer handle anyonetelling me what I FEEL is wrong. It is what I feel, and God made methe way I am. I can only assume its for a reason.
I am sorry I’m such a terrible disappointment to my siblings. I’lljust stay the fuck away from them so I don’t fuck up any more of theirlives or mental well-being. I’m sorry we cannot talk. I’ve tried. Iget attacked, pure and simple. And when I get attacked, I get loud andaggressive and say things I don’t really mean and then Auntie says”See! See!” so I can’t talk to her anymore. Of my immediate family,only Tommy ever understood me, and I’ve been bereft since he left us.
I’m sorry guys; I know this is upsetting to you. I’m not saying youcan’t have a relationship with whomever you wish to cultivate arelationship with. I’m just saying I no longer wish to know about it. It just makes me far too angry. And yes, I’m sick to death of lettinga ghost fuck up my present. I’m sick of not being allowed to defendmyself in this matter too. In the beginning I thought I couldn’thandle the shame of it, and I couldn’t do that financially to mySIBLINGS, and now I feel like my SIBLINGS just want to shut me up. They can heal in whatever manner they need to heal, but I’ve never hadthat option. I’ve always had to put someone else’s well-being in frontof my own.
And it looks as though I’m going to do it again. So Auntie doesn’thave to worry about her poor brother Jimmy, I won’t do anything. Again. I’ll just DEAL, because nobody else can and somebody has too,right?
And no, I’m not writing off anyone. I am simply choosing to notparticipate in their collective BS. And yes, I call it BS because Iknow BS when it gets thrown in my face. It stinks and hurts the eyes.Which means I’m not willing to be the familyblack-sheep/fall-guy/punching-bag anymore. This is about self-respect,and nothing else. I feel bad that it’s come to this, but I have towatch out for me now.
I love you guys! And I always, always will.
Mom
As an aside, I realize everyone carries the burdens given to them,and it’s all individualistic. I also realize I must be a very strongperson, because some people get fucked up over incidents here andthere, but I’ve managed to stay reasonably sane despite the constantbrain-washing and physical/sexual abuse I grew up with. I canliterally recall 14 constant years of it. Only visits to my Gramma’shouse (a grandmother others may actually think wasn’t good for kids)kept me sane. Maybe I just need to hit something.
I just want to walk away from all of this.
Today I get to go find a tow place and deal with my car. It is going to take more money for me to finally be an adult and deal with the stupid thing ONCE AND FOR ALL!!! *sigh* I’m not grown up yet or this wouldn’t have gotten to this point.
Last night I ate at the Elephant Bar for the first time. And the meal ended up being free because I killed a cockroach crawling on the wall of the booth. The waiter and manager were horrified. I’m willing to bet they were far more freaked out than I was. dude. I lived in SoCal. ‘Roaches are just part of life.
Despite the fact that I didn’t drag Spot off to the gym last night I had a really good time with him. Conversation was diverse and interesting and other things went damn well. 🙂
Still miss that Noah guy.
Today I get to do lots of errands. Go to the post office for the Noah. Deal with my car. Set up my classroom. Go to my first class at SJSU. I am kind of being a bad person about the SJSU class though. I don’t really want to take a poetry writing workshop. But there are no other classes this semester that appeal to me more. *sigh* I’m kind of wondering if I should just wait a semester and take a class I actually *like* and will enjoy working for next semester. It isn’t like all of my requirements are going to be done this semester anyway. It’s complicated. I have 6 hours to think about this. I don’t think it would be the end of the world, really. Hell–even if I waited a whole year it isn’t like my credits will expire or become a problem and I have a shitload on my plate right now.
I’m just not feeling adult enough to handle one more thing right now I think.
When I was a kid my mother was fond of telling me: “We keep our dirty laundry in the closet” meaning that we do not discuss the horrible things that happen behind closed doors. I internalized this message and didn’t tell anyone I was abused for years. When I was 15 and had a series of breakdowns I came to the conclusion that I could not live by her directive. Instead I decided that I would have no secrets. I would do absolutely nothing I was ashamed to talk about generally. And if I ever did find I had something I was ashamed of I would talk about it as publicly as possible because then there would be nothing that could be held over my head. I can never have someone emotionally blackmail me with something I have done. I have accepted a small change in this policy in the past couple of years as I have slightly gone into the closet for my job. This has been incredibly emotionally stressful for me and paved the road for me to start keeping other things private. I recently had to look at myself and my life and what I am doing and I realized that I have a dirty little secret. I have something I am deeply ashamed of and that I am hiding from people. When your behavior is at odds with how you claim your behavior is that means that either your opinion of yourself/your ethics is out of date or you need to change your behavior. Given that I am still proud of my basic code of ethics that means that I need to undertake the very difficult and painful task of living up to it.
So here I am. This is my confession. This journal entry is not really filtered for a variety of reasons. I need to say these things about myself in a basically public way because that is how I operate when it comes to things that are bad. I cannot hide them. I debated with Noah long and hard the merits of doing this in a public way and essentially this is something that I need for me. So a lot of people who read this journal are not really used to my harsh self-analyzing posts so this one may be really hard for you. I invite you to skip it if you feel that the messy inner workings of my mind are things that do not need to be part of your life. And given the nature of gossip, if anyone chooses to break the basic confidentiality implied by my journal please at least have the respect for me to tell me that you are sharing this entry with other people. I feel I deserve that.
Don’t you hate those fucking Opportunities for Growth? They really suck. Sometimes they really really hurt in the moment. Sometimes you just want to say, fuck this. Feeling this way can’t be reasonable.
But it isn’t about the feelings be reasonable. Are the bad feelings fixable? Can you look at the problem and say, “What is it that I am missing/needing here?” Maybe it is going to hurt like a son of a bitch, but just maybe it will be worth it. Maybe they are worth it. Maybe. Gotta try though. Just have to.
I very consciously didn’t ask myself what else could go wrong before I fell asleep two hours ago. I was just woken up to the sound of lots of water rushing.
So, after my car died violently and awfully tonight (no, don’t ask me how. If I knew what it was I would volunteer that information and you wouldn’t have to ask and so by asking you are just taunting me with how stupid I am for not knowing) my bathroom just got flooded from the light fixture from someone upstairs apparently flushing a toilet. Oh, and my cell phone is totally dead and the charger is not with me through the vagaries of airport bullshit.
Right now it feels like the next few weeks are going to be very expensive. 🙁 I think karma is getting back at me and I hope it stops soon.
I failed part two of the comps. 🙁
*sigh* I can take it again, but I really wanted to be just done. *sigh*
And I am about halfway into the paper due on Thursday. I am not exactly feeling all confident in my intelligence anymore tonight. I find it funny that the head of the department called me when I passed and emailed me when I failed. Pussy.
Sometimes it feels as if being a woman is synonymous with feeling fear.
Last night as I was walking from class to my car a couple of Mexican guys pulled over next to me and asked me for directions to 3rd street. Uh, straight ahead of you. Then they offered me a ride. They were really pushy and aggressive. I felt my adrenaline start pumping. I had this really awful moment where I wondered if I would be able to outrun them if necessary. I walked fast and ignored their comments. I got into the parking garage and bolted up the stairs.
I hate that I feel so powerless sometimes. I hate that I feel like being female is enough to make me a target. The funniest part is: I never get harassed like that when I dress like a slut. Instead it happens when I am wearing frumpy jeans and a big baggy sweat shirt and sneakers and my hair is up in a very boring bun.
There are moments when this amorphous category of “men” is not a happy thing. I have so many wonderful guys in my life as individuals who are not scary, but “men” are.
I woke up this morning from a dream in which four men were trying to rape me. I managed to get away because the sheer fierceness of my fighting back momentarily startled them enough that I escaped hands and ran. In the dream got to a fairly safe place and tried to call 911 and was put on hold indefinitely. I felt totally invalidated, much like I did when I was date raped when I was 18 and the police officer later asked me what I expected when I brought a boy to a party with alcohol. 🙁
I want to cry. I feel uncertain and off-balance and just rather disturbed. I have a great deal of work to get done today though so I need to suck it up. But I feel very lonely and scared. I hate waking up to nightmares.
I want Daddy. But there isn’t a Daddy. There is just me. I know I am strong enough to get through feeling this way, but I don’t want to have to be. I want to be just a little girl right now.
Today I am feeling lonely and I hate the feeling. I know it is a cycle and it will pass, but it sucks ass to be in this place.
Question: do non-crazy people have mood swings too? I don’t actually know if my level/frequency/whatever of mood swings are unusual or crazy-indicating.
I think I have to accept that I am not actually “over” some of the relationship stuff I would like to be over and that irritates me.
To counteract the crappy feelings:
I made the most kick ass curry. I rule.
I had a weird/pissy exchange with a Pryankster tonight. It resulted in me being sulky for most of the rest of the night. Right before I left we talked a bit about what happened and how we can avoid both of us getting nasty again in the future and basically kissed and made up.
But I still feel all icki inside. I want to cry. I feel very lonely. I don’t know why it hit me so hard. What was so damn triggering about it? We were poking at each other and then he slapped my arm really hard. There is still a faint hand print almost four hours later. When I reacted in a displeased way he said I deserved it. He had started the poking though and I thought it was playing. I feel very rejected and punished for playing. I don’t like this feeling at all. And now I’m crying.
I’m really just not happy right now. And I get to go climb into my bed by myself. 🙁 I want snuggles and I can’t have them. Today, living alone sucks.
I think I was supposed to be at a wedding yesterday and I completely forgot. I can’t use wireless at home so I haven’t been bothering to turn my computer on which means I haven’t looked at my calendar.
I feel really bad. 🙁
To make it less of a horrible thing: I have slept through most of this weekend and I think I am getting sick. 🙁