Tag Archives: irritated

More crap from mom

My mom is in town. The 4th was ok. She had a whole big box full of stuff for Shanna. Some of it I appreciate: the hand-me-down hand knitted/crochet dresses that have been through multiple generations of our family are wonderful. Outside of that… not so much. I can see that we are once again going to have the trampy clothes war. She used to try and put me in awful clothes that I wouldn’t wear. She likes daisy dukes and super short skirts on young girls. She thinks they are cute. I think they are grossly inappropriate. I kind of want to make nasty comments about how she also thought it was fine to send her daughters off with a child molester but that might be pushing the point a bit hard. So yeah. I’m getting rid of the slutty clothes with the tags still on them. I’m not thrilled about the nauseatingly pink clothes either. Pink isn’t evil, I like pink. There is a difference between pink and frilly pepto bismol ickiness. I also don’t think Shanna needs to have jeans that are lace trimmed and covered in little pink hearts. Oh, and she doesn’t need cheap scratchy pepto bismol pink towels either. And she doesn’t need plastic attempts at soft covered books. And the ugly little plastic figurines? Not necessary either.

I’ve told my mother repeatedly that I don’t want her buying a bunch of crap but she won’t listen. She says, “Well it was cheap.” Yeah. It looks like it. Thanks. Save your money. In fact, save the money and pay me back the money you borrowed.

Cranky pants

I’ve got my cranky pants on, oh yes I do.
I’ve got my cranky pants on, how ’bout you?
We can do a dance in our cranky pants,
And then we’ll go to the zoo.

This bit of dorkiness brought to you by the letters I H A T E N O A H S J O B. It’s a busy day for letters.

It’s awfully hard not to be cranky at Noah when I’m cranky at his job. I know that he’s not happy either so I then feel extra guilty for being a butthead. ARGH! URF! HATES THEM PRECIOUS!!!

My brain is full.

Friends-locked cause you shouldn’t announce this shit it public.

Apparently our house has pretty significant code violations and it is very likely that we have almost no permits on anything. Oh, and the roof? Not professionally installed and almost certainly a code violation. *bang head against wall* Looks like there is a lot of stuff that needs to get fixed before we can do anything we just want to do. We have issues with our house that invalidate our home owners insurance even. Nice. We have issues with our house such that if we sold the house and did not itemize every single thing wrong with the house we could get sued years later.

FRACK!

Batty lately

For the past couple of days I have been on a really annoying emotional roller coaster. I’m angry, sad, giddy, and annoyed by turns. In the main I am able to keep my expressions of these feelings down to saying, “Wow, I am really really annoyed right now for no good reason” replacing “annoyed” with the emotion of the moment. But I’m *feeling* really intensely and it’s bugging me. I like having more moderate emotions; they are less draining. Nothing much has happened to trigger me in any direction that I know of.

My (minor) things wrong at the moment: for some reason I have started doing all the bad habits that make my jaw hurt really suddenly. I had stopped doing all of these for a long time. A have a tooth that hurts. I’m mildly fussed about money stuff but only in a stupid vague way–we aren’t exactly in trouble. And I’m starting to read towards the comp exam again but I’m doing it very slowly and mellowly with books that sound interesting.

Yeah, those are all very very mild irks. I have no idea why I am experiencing such intense feelings. I am also starving. By golly I’m eating my weekly points and my exercise points and I still kind of want to cry with hunger. Don’t worry I am continuing to eat when I’m that hungry whether I have points or not. I don’t think it is reasonable to be that hungry and not eat. I’m trying to figure out what sorts of food will make me feel full because nothing is doing it right now. I can’t figure out why I am so hungry. Shanna hasn’t been nursing more than usual.

Shanna is in fact being her awesome, mellow self lately so I can’t blame any of this on stress from her. She’s sleeping 11-12 hours a night with one, sometimes two wake-ups. I really have no complaints about her. She’s a little clingy during the day but not beyond what is totally reasonable and normal for her age. It’s cool watching her scoot all over the floor playing with toys. 🙂

So yeah. Feeling batty just now.

The Kool Aid

Mid-way through writing this it occurred to me that I have multiple friends who are in OA and for whom this might be triggering. This is a lot of talk about food, weight, and body image. Feel free to skip this if you might have issues with those topics. 🙂 You don’t even have to be in OA to not want to read about my weight issues. 🙂
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Mooo

I’ve been up since 4. Why you might ask (if you care that is) well, that would be because Shanna has a bitch of a time latching in the middle of the night. This is because apparently I over produce at night and things get so full she can’t get a hold of it in her mellow relaxed state. So I have to get up and pump. This is fucking annoying.

whoo boy that’s a roller coaster.

So I got to play on Saturday. That was fun. It was a pretty decent scene. We asked one of my dearest friends to join us and it was all happy and fun and such. Except for that crying part. That was less “happy”.

Yesterday was a complete and total roller coaster day and I think it was cause of of playing. I went between angsty and fussy and angry all day. (It didn’t help that my tummy felt awful for a lot of the day and it was 77 degrees so my body was like WTF IS IT SO HOT FOR. I don’t like warmth much.) So I try to process. Cause I’m like that.

I was irritated because yesterday the marks from the scratching (with a knife) made it really hard to sleep after playing so I got almost no sleep Saturday night. I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping on my side in one position all night anyway–having to do it on *one* side because the other side was mucho owie just caused problems.

I also found that in retrospect I had a hard time dealing with the fact that Noah and our friend were both trying to push me in terms of how much pain I could handle. When I settled into a given level of ouchie they upped it. Then upped it. Then upped it. Until I broke down crying. Then they went “ahhhhh” and stopped and were lovey and affectionate. Yesterday I felt like, “Why did you need to push until I failed?” So much of what is happening to my body right now is beyond my control and I feel like I am sucking over and over. I’m not sure it was a good thing to push things until I broke. 🙁 I still feel like a failure because I couldn’t handle what they wanted to do to me. Ok, I know that they were going to keep pushing and pushing for a long time, but in my competitive masochist sort of way I don’t like it when I have to cry uncle first. So I’m mad at me and kind of mad at them. (Not real mad. Still glad I got to play at all.)

I’m also fussy because I think I want to fire one of our birth classes. No, I don’t want to come draw a picture and tell you how I feel about it. I did that shit when I was officially crazy as a teenager and I don’t want to fucking do it now. I’m feeling really angry about the lack of information in the class compared to the amount of woo-woo crap. (Uhm, no offense to any woo-woo types reading this. If it works for you, awesome. Is not my thing.) So If feel hostile and defensive when I go. Why am I going then? Oh, we had birthing class last night and I had to go argue with them telling them that no, I am not going to be “drawing my birth landscape so I can tell you how I feel about it.” I also didn’t appreciate being told that since my big focus in birth is that I want to trust my body and my instincts to tell me what is right over the random advice of other people that I should “soften around this idea because I’m not necessarily right”. I wanted to walk out right then. Because you know what you woo-woo bitch, you are exactly who I shouldn’t listen to.

And Noah wisely pointed out yesterday that I probably shouldn’t have any more lumps of lard and meat (but chicken nuggets are SO TASTY) because my stomach hurt massively all day after having it. Which probably contributed to me being such a bitch.

Ok, this roller coaster of emotions is getting old. I want off. And I woke up in a foul mood. I have class tonight. Awesome.

Parents suck.

Ms. A-,

I wanted to ask you since our last conversation if b- has improved. I have noticed he still has a F in the class, and i was wondering what was going on with him. Since he has turned in his writers workshop essay will that help him at all? Since the begining of school B- has had an IEP. I need written proof of how you have complied with his IEP accomidations.

===========================================
Misspellings are not mine. Her inability to capitalize her son’s name properly is also reflected. Your kid has an F because he won’t do anything. This is not my fault or problem. His IEP mainly states that he gets extra time on assignments. I think that accepting anything from the beginning of the semester is enough fucking time to give him.

Stupid cunt. No wonder your kid is stupid and lazy. You enable him.

Next roller coaster.

This morning I had some less than happy stuff and I felt like shit. Then I heard a song on the radio and felt like maybe I was being stupid–I should just appreciate what I have and get over being so needy.

But then I went to work. I’m having a lot of trouble with the basic nature of teenagers. I would like to punch many of them. The attitude, the laziness, the sarcasm, the satisfaction with being ignorant…

I’m feeling very angry about the kids who are blaming me for their failing grade. Excuse me motherfucker you want to repeat that?! I very very rarely feel like this. I love my job. But today stupid teenagers are making me very angry. “What do you mean we have an essay due on Monday! I was absent! It’s not fair!” “Well, seeing as the assignment was posted on the board for three weeks and we started the assignment at the beginning of the semester I don’t think you get to claim any hardship.”

Fucking bitch. I am not fond of that whiny little shit. My swearing is a bit excessive today. I need to just stop talking.

Livid (school)

My sub on Friday fucked with my classes. I am so pissed. She didn’t follow my lesson plans because she didn’t feel she had enough control over the classes. Excuse me, cunt? She also collected all of their work so I could verify who was working enough. Uhm… everything stays in their folders on purpose. Their work is checked without you increasing my paper-pile-headache.

I hate being absent.

Mmmmm in-laws…

So, I went to Texas. We flew into Houston and rented a car and drove to Austin. Did I mention that we arrived at about midnight and didn’t get on the road until one in the morning? We got to Austin and into our hotel at four in the morning. I managed to be remarkably cheerful throughout this entire journey and given my fierce need for predictable sleep this was nearly a miracle. We fitfully slept. Come morning we woke up and stumbled over towards Noah’s brothers house. I did my best to hang back and keep my mouth shut but eventually I ended up talking to his brother’s friends and his brothers a bit. I did my best to say little to his parents. By the end of the day I found I was thrilled to have met his brother’s friends and I think they are totally spiffy people.

The Friday after Thanksgiving we went back to his brother’s house and had Fat Tammies for breakfast. Holy cow were they good. Mashed potatoes and hash browns wrapped around meat. Oh Baby. I spent more time trying to talk to the siblings and hide from the parents, but that got harder as there were fewer people in the house. I did have a conversation about school systems and book worthiness with the parents but I quite consciously kept my comments very limited. When his parents left we had a good time talking more with the siblings and I think my sister-in-law completely rocks. At some point during the day she looked at Noah’s brother and said, “Finally I have someone to talk to while you tell stupid jokes.” *grin* I couldn’t have said it better! She also asked if they could see my tat and I explained the story. As is fairly typical they were not overly communicative; it is a heavy sort of story. Then we drove to Huntsville to stay at his parent’s house. We all sat and talked for a bit but I went to bed at around 10 with the goal of giving his parents time with him without me. He stayed up talking to them for a couple more hours. I got to enjoy book time and talk to japlady on the phone. She says I will get used to things, I disagree at this point.

Saturday we went for a walk with his parents and younger sister after breakfast. I thought it mostly went well. On the way back I was egging his sister on telling her to get a stick and hit Noah with it while I held his hands. This resulted in his mother fiercely berating his younger sister for how she “always goes too far.” I stuck up for the sister saying that I felt the situation was mostly my fault and not his younger sister’s as I had been egging her on the whole time. This resulted in some muttering and a tirade about how I don’t understand the problem. I didn’t say anything. We ran off after that and spent a few hours with Noah’s aunt. I am SO adopting her. I adore the woman. She is fiercely funny and eccentric and very strong-minded. I have a lot of appreciation for someone who really goes their own path. We went back to his parents’ house at his mother’s insistence that we “freshen up” before dinner. Uhm, ok. But we did it. Then we had an ok dinner. By this time I had already told Noah that I should probably not say anything at all if we want to have any kind of peace.

After dinner we wanted to head to bed seeing as we needed to get up at 4. This was 9:30. His parents said they wanted to talk to him for 15 minutes and they wanted me to not be there. Oh great. Yay! They are going to bitch about my behavior! Noah says that bitching about me was only for a little while. Then it turned into a huge long thing about his mother’s culture and how no one respects it. She apparently included some bits about how she can’t be held accountable for her actions because she had a bad childhood. . . . . Yeah. Words escape me. This conversation lasted over two hours and only really ended because I walked over to the house and asked for the car keys so I could get stuff out of the trunk to finish packing. I was incredibly pissed off and I was only as vaguely calm as I was because I have amazing friends who can talk me down. I seriously thought about just leaving. He came back and was tired and didn’t really want to talk about it, but in my charming way I made it pretty clear that I wasn’t going to calm down until we did. So he sucked it up and he tried to explain the gist of the conversation. This was tough to do as he was very tired. He made it pretty clear that most of the conversation wasn’t about me, but I was still pissed that I was the impetus. Apparently I am too loud, I have too many opinions, I am rude, and I don’t give my elders proper respect. I certainly acknowledge that I am loud, no problems admitting that. I have a lot of opinions and I think everyone should. I really don’t believe I was rude on this trip. I am not in denial about the fact that I can be rude, but I was completely on best behavior on this trip and Noah agrees that I was good. And god damnit, I give people exactly as much respect as they earn. And fuck you if you think you deserve more that you aren’t getting.

Needless to say, the trip home starting at 4 am wasn’t thrilling. We talked a lot. I feel pretty safe and secure that Noah isn’t going to demand that I behave in ways which are contrary to my ethics and personal needs. It was hard to get to that point though. And our conversations in general were pretty strained and tough and made worse because we were both so tired. 🙁 I think we are doing ok though. His mother’s comment when I left the house with the keys last night was, “Ut oh, we are all in trouble now.” I resent the comment. Noah isn’t in trouble. I wanted some explanation of what was going on from Noah and he gave it to me as well as he was able. I think his dad is pretty whipped and there isn’t much point in talking to the man as long as his wife hates me because he won’t be allowed to have a decent opinion of me. And I think his mom is going to hate me no matter what. Not worth anyone being in trouble.

So I like the extended family more than I thought I would. But his parents… that’s going to be an ongoing problem. *sigh*

Brain gurggling.

The tat seems to be doing much better than expected. It isn’t painful anymore but it is INCREDIBLY sensitive. It’s kind of nifty.

Thanks to a fabulous girl in the city I am reading, The Devil Wears Prada and loving it greatly. Yay.

Tonight I get to introduce one of my oldest friends to my boys and that should be fun. Hell, it will be great to see her. I think it has been a year this time. (She works on a cruise ship so I don’t see her much.)

I am having a real hard time making nice in a few places and I want to scream and punch people. Not necessarily the people I don’t want to deal with, just someone as a stand in to let out frustration. I’m not actually angry at the people I don’t want to deal with it’s just… complicated.

I am so angry with the city-centrists that I would like to say fuck you to all of them and stop going to anything in the city, ever. If you are so fucking selfish that ONE GOD DAMN TIME you won’t come to my house then fuck all of you fucking fucks. saljid;ljksdfljk;sdflj;kdsfljk;

Damn me and my unrealistic expectations. I need to stop looking at someone and saying, “I want you to do ‘x'” when I know they only signed up for ‘y’. *sigh*

I keep having nightmares about showing up on the first day of school without a syllabus. I feel so woefully unprepared for my whole life right now.

I have procrastinated the shit out of about a dozen things right now and I don’t know why. Normally I would be unpacked already, even with my busy schedule. I can’t seem to force myself to do it. I don’t know where the block is coming from. I haven’t sat down and made a budget. I haven’t started looking for a contractor. I haven’t dealt with my car. Just the thought of what I need to do makes me want to break down in tears.

I need to find some vicodin before my next tat appointment. Uhm… anyone?

Is it unreasonable for me to hide in my room and cry all day just out of anxiety and frustration? I don’t want to do all the things I need to do. I don’t want to think about having do deal with all of the people I have to deal with. I’m really tired of thinking about the people. Why can’t I just declare that I don’t like someone and not deal with them? Oh yeah. Social groups don’t work that way. *sigh*

Just sayin…

There isn’t much point in having several people tell me that I fucked up in a posting. If you notice that someone already did… I don’t really need to have three people tell me I’m dumb. I get it. Perhaps I am simply not at the computer yet and I have not been able to fix it yet.