Tag Archives: life

Breaking

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I cried the entire way to school. I cried so hard that technically I shouldn’t have been driving as there were minutes at a time when I couldn’t really see. And I got to school to receive a nasty email from a parent telling me that I have to give her more information. I can’t do everything that is wanted of me right now. I can’t.

All I want to do right now is self-mutilate. But that is one of the things I am not supposed to do. I want to do other various self harming things. I’m not supposed to. So I decided that I wouldn’t eat today. No one has told me I am not allowed to do that. It’ll hurt. It will make me feel physically as shitty as I do emotionally. But if I do that then I can’t do my job at all. And that isn’t allowed.

I’m going to break. I don’t know what is going to completely go, I don’t know how I am going to collapse and fail, but I am going to. I feel it.

It doesn’t seem like I am allowed to have a good day. Right now I feel so overwhelmed and helpless that I really want to do some serious self-harm. I don’t see how this is going to be a good day or a good night.

Running on empty

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I have worked 41 hours in the past 3 days. I have 24 hours of training over the next 3 days and grading to do.

My house is messy. It is stressing me out.

I keep freaking out about personal things that I shouldn’t freak out about. I’m such a mess.

I feel like I am drowning right now. I know things will get better, but getting through the next couple of weeks is going to be brutal.

I keep getting angry about things and people in my personal life. I kind of like that I get to hide behind my job and not deal with people. There are a few people in particular right now whom I would cheerfully bash over the head with a pool stick. It isn’t so much what they have done as just that they exist and I am sick of dealing with them. Unfortunately, said activity would have negative repercussions on my social life. Fuck.

Perspective

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I can describe my life right now and say, “I go to work. I grade papers. I go to trainings. I get up way too early in the morning. I hardly ever see my friends. I spend most of my spare time working or cleaning house.”

And it’s all true. It just sounds like so much more of a downer than my life feels like. I’m working 6 days a week and usually 9-11 hour days. (Weekend training can be as short as about 4 hours. Whoo hoo!) No matter how much time I put into my job there is an infinite amount of work left to do. I vacilate hard between feeling like I am doing a good job and feeling like I am not doing as much as my kids deserve. But my comp & lit kids are doing more work than anyone has seen this kind of group do in years. My juniors are feeling challenged but they aren’t drowning. That is the balance I am searching for. I have unit plans in place for this entire grading period and that makes me feel really good. I have a lot of grading to do, but I am more up to date on it than anyone else in my department so I can’t really feel too bad about it.

I spend most of my time at home, this means I get to spend most of my time with Noah! I am continually blown away by how wonderful he is. Does this mean we always get along? Of course not–I’m a pain in the ass. But he puts up with me cheerfully and helps me figure out why I’m feeling out of sorts which means that hopefully we are making progress towards less-cranky. It’s a goal.

Our house is coming along. He is surprised at how much organizing I have done so far. Yay for kitchens with food in them! 😉 I’m really happy about the nesting process. We have probably a month or two more of work before we can start painting given that I only have a day a week to work on stuff. I’m hoping that I can do lots of work during Christmas break. It would be good.

I’m busy, stressed, tired, and happy. I guess that is all I can ask of life.

Not quite a weekend.

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Friday I came home from work and fell asleep within 20 minutes. So my Noah settled in for an evening of WoW. I don’t blame him, but given how little sleep I got all last week I was kind of cranky when I woke up two hours later and he continued playing for two hours after I woke up. Enh, such is life. I feel really guilty when I am cranky but we usually end up talking about good stuff. He rocks so hard.

Saturday I got up at my normal 6am. I got dressed and went off to a work training in a fairly serious bad mood. It did turn into being probably the best training I have ever gone to so by 20 minutes in I was over my unhappiness. I got some really good stuff. After the training I went to my school and did cleaning, organizing and lesson planning all day. My cutie baby came and spent time in the room with me and we got to talk a little. He rocks! After grading papers I got to chaperone a dance. At the dance many of my kids were total jerks and I felt very disappointed in their behavior. 🙁 So today I have been talking to the kids and telling them why their behavior wasn’t cool. They are taking the lecture pretty well.

Sunday we cleaned house and did grocery shopping. Noah did a *fabulous* job of cleaning the refrigerator. 🙂 It was awful. Our kitchen is about as blacksheep_lj modified as it is going to get and boy howdy am I grateful. 🙂 We were totally dead by 8 and struggled to stay up till 9 so I wouldn’t wake up too terribly early this morning. With the addition of 5-htp (my moods have sucked lately) I had some really awesome dreams. I rescued my “sister” (not my actual sister but some person who was my sister in the dream) from a middle eastern prison by suspending myself from a high window and lowering myself to the room she was in. (For some reason they used a high rise building as a jail. I think it wasn’t a real prison but she was a political prisoner in some random government building.) It was cool. In another dream I was wandering around a city in Africa with karenbynight and she was pregnant. That was really odd. I know I had a few other odd dreams but I can’t remember them right now.

And this morning I got to wake up and talk to my mother-in-law. She drops hostile comments about Noah into the conversation at various points and that makes me sad. Stuff like, “All of us did cartwheels when he moved out of state and we hope he never comes back,” and, “His brothers are so glad they don’t have to deal with him daily anymore,” and they really made me sad. 🙁 I’m going to think about how best to let her know I don’t want to listen to her slam Noah. If she dislikes him so intently maybe we shouldn’t come back at all? 🙁 I know he is so incredibly wonderful that I feel sorry for her that she doesn’t know.

It’s a day.

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Boy howdy. I woke up a serious Mrs. (holy shit) CrankyPants. Wait… does that make Noah Mrs. CrankyPants? 🙂 Everything made me cry. We forgot to put food in the refrigerator last night, I couldn’t get email to work right, and I started freaking out about a work problem. So I cried and wasn’t very nice. 🙁 Noah told me I wasn’t allowed to say bad things about his wife though. I’m working on it.

Making copies was a hassle cause the machine in my building is broken. Erf.

But in 2nd period I gave my kiddos a little psuedo inspirational speech (we had a bad day on Wednesday) and they worked their asses off all period. I feel much more happy with them than I did earlier this week.

3rd period is taking the monster test. A few people have finished a little early (one chick is just totally going to fail, another couple are probably going to do well) but overall they are busting ass to get it done. Last night was the all-nighter to decorate for Homecoming stuff and they are seriously wasted. I’m impressed with how hard they are working anyway. I also had a kid bring me an apple. 🙂

I’m trying really hard to rally my craptastic mood. The kids are being so good.

Thank you baby for being nice to me when I am not being very nice.

run run run flop run run run

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My work week consists of running around like mad all week. Teaching, and prep work, and grading (which I’m not doing enough of), and meetings, and parent phone calls… it seems that the pace never lightens up. I’m exhausted like crazy by Friday.

Last Friday we were supposed to go see a play but as a result of not getting moving quickly enough and general crankiness, we stayed home instead. It turned out to be a good thing cause Noah is kind of sick and he needed the rest. We passed out by about 9:30. On Saturday I had another tattoo sitting but I only made it through about 30 minutes before I *lost* it. I just couldn’t be calm or rational. 🙁 We went home and spent the day in bed cause I was sick to my stomach all day. Of course we passed out by about 9:30. Sunday we soldiered our way through a gym trip despite being tired, borderline sick, and my back hurting. Sunday we ran a few errands and then flopped at home. We passed out by about 9:30.

Wow, we sound remarkably boring. Only it was awesome and wonderful. I loved the time I got to spend with my baby. We talked and talked and talked, often about hard/scary/painful things that we need to get through. We played and tried to map out a few more boundaries in our relationship. Resting and relaxing and cuddling together made not feeling so hot a pretty great thing cause it was an excuse to stay in bed. 🙂

I love my husband.

Random acts of kindness

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A couple of months ago a guy from bondage.com sent me a flirtatious email and I had to let him know that I was involved and more or less off the market for what he was looking for. (He lives in LA and wants pretty strict monogamy.) Yesterday I got around to letting b.com know that I got married and he sent me an email saying congratulations and good luck.

Very random and sweet. People rock.

Mmmm aftermath

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Last night was fun and I’m glad people came over.

But I have a little thing that I’m feeling irritated about and I figure I could tell people or I could just be mad about it. Next time I ask if you can bring food for a potluck kind of thing, please do.

(I know a couple of people did–thank you.)

Looking for wonderful.

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Yesterday when I was sick and very cranky my kids were lovely angels and very considerate all day. They are generally pretty good but they were outrageously good yesterday.

Today they have been fun and silly only a little rowdy.

I am in a fabulous mood today. Last night I didn’t sleep much at all but I got to talk to my baby about all sorts of scary things and get upset and get over it and have some Very Hot Sex.

My desk looks kind of messy, but I am going to be able to leave right after work to go start my weekend.

I’m taking home a bunch of stuff this weekend. My contacts binder so I can call parents and chat a bit about how their kidlets are doing. (Maybe on Sunday?) Lots of grading that my baby is going to help me do. (It isn’t like his vocabulary is any worse than mine–in fact his is better.)

My kids are keeping on top of things remarkably well. I’m actually surprised in that very happy way.

I get to see friends this weekend. That will be nice. I also cancelled doing the higher stress con. And it looks like I am going to get to play anyway! Yay!!

I’m telling you. Everything looks brighter with really hot sex.

{insecurity} Tired

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An idea was tossed out last night which I am going to be right about in the long run. Not a terrible thing.

Lately I have been having the sleep schedule from hell. I wake up at 6am which means I need to go to bed fairly early. And seeing as I am married to a conversation studmuffin (I wish I had a link handy to the comic, but I suck.) this means I need to head to bed even before I need to fall asleep. The goal was to have time for sex as well but I’m lame and exhausted most of the time. 🙁 I am getting awesome snuggles though.

I’m feeling drained and beaten down even though I am generally happy. I feel like I don’t have the storehouses of energy reserves that allow me to handle any extra stress. So I cancelled working at the Folsom Fringe event because I am just too fucking tired. We are cancelling this weekends Disneyland trip mainly for financial reasons (and hey–we’re going in December), but honestly I feel so much relief that I won’t have to deal with it energy wise. I miss my friends but I feel too tired to do anything. Don’t get me wrong–I love my life. I really love my job and the mellowness that is happening with Noah is great. I just feel pretty sharply the difference in how social I used to be. I’m used to lots of social contact and playing and seeing people and I’m having trouble adjusting.

I probably could do more than I do, I just feel… drained. Being anti-social seems necessary for the forseeable future. I need to get a bit further ahead in lesson planning. I need to find a rhythm for grading papers that allows me to get it done and doesn’t stress me out. I need to figure out a system for getting chores done. I need to get my house to a level where I don’t feel anxious about it. So many needs. I wonder when I can get back to wants.

Happy Birthday to me

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Hm. This is one of those times to be reflective like. I’m 25 now. What in the hell am I doing with my life?

I have a brand-spankin-new husband who makes me deliriously happy. I have a great boyfriend who is quite cheerful about my various neuroticisms. I have a job I love and a the best chosen family ever. I have a nifty new car! I have an unfinished but already nifty tattoo.

I have a house. Legally half of this puppy is mine now. It’s an ok house and has potential to be a great house with some labor. I’m ok with that. I have almost no bio-family left to speak of. I have no free time nor extra energy for most anything.

I’m happy with most of my life, but there are big unavoidable things that are making me very sad. I’m not done with my masters yet and that is being hard for me. And as much as I am sad that I don’t get to see all of the nifty people in my life more I kind of feel like I need to cut back on what time I do spend with people if I am going to be as good at my job as I want to be and if I want to have the house I want to have. Being an adult is hard.

I’m not yet as good at managing my stress levels and my emotions as I want to be. I’m worlds better than I used to be, but I’m still not good enough. I still spend far too much time lashing out at Noah and that just isn’t ok. I have to have better control over myself before I have any right to have children or business doing it. I don’t want my kids to deal with the uncertainties of mood that currently run my life. I have some hard work ahead of me to get this into control.

I am not doing enough to be in as good of physical shape as I want to be in. I don’t know when or if I will ever get back to dancing. I am already too swamped with time commitments. It’s kind of hard because I have a very clear picture of where I want to be in life and it seems like it isn’t that far away and yet if I spend my entire life feeling this way I will always be discontent with myself and I will never be particularly happy. I have a hard time seeing the happy making things and instead I focus on the negative too much. This is yet another thing I need to work on.

Oh, and no one in my family knows I am married. I still don’t know how to feel about that.

Oh, and as far as I know–no presents this year. That is kind of an interesting welcome to adulthood. I’m not upset about it. Just… kind of noticing coldly.

10 random lines

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Remember that meme where you write 10 lines to 10 people? Well–in no particular order…

(This is from me and Noah.)

1. You inspired us.
2. We won’t require your services.
3. Please don’t come to California.
4. Can we have a party there anyway?
5. Never say never or other words that start with ne.
6. I guess you don’t have to buy a corset now.
7. Will you still come visit?
8. We are not staying where you did.
9. We beat you!
10. It isn’t about you.

Not dying

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The doctor said: “Worst case scenario this is strep throat. It is probably just a nasty virus. There are some unpleasant bugs floating around and a couple of doctors are out sick.”

She did tests and will call me with the results. HA! I was SO RIGHT. Told you people I should just suffer. heh

What I can do

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I have a doctors appt for 8am the day that my insurance comes into effect. The medical center is even near my house. I am setting up sub plans so that I don’t have to come in at all tomorrow.

This is at least somewhat responsible.

I am still so freakin sick it isn’t funny. Because I am repeating myself a lot during the day (the same damn class four times) I will trail off in the middle of a sentence and ask if I have already said that. I feel bad for the kids. 🙁 I’m *so* happy they have all been working hard today. I haven’t had to do more than remind them a little to not interrupt others while they are working. It’s great.

Eating is not super fun cause my throat hurts so I am mostly eating over ripe fruit and drinking juice. The pad see ewe I had for breakfast was even a bit of a stretch cause the broccoli was kind of owie. It was SO DAMN TASTY though. Totally worth suffering for. I want to leave school basically as soon as 7th period is over and go home and lie down. My shoulders don’t hurt as much by neck is hurting more and more by the quarter hour. This totally blows.

{my shit} And yet more family drama

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Yesterday I got into a fast and furious argument with my sister via IM. Noah watched the conversation and feels I was pretty reasonable. Today I got this email. It was sent to my niece and nephew and cc’ed to me.

Well, we had a bit of a broo-ha-ha over IM yesterday.  Basically, ifyou want to have anything to do with her, I don’t want to hear aboutit.

I am sick to death of her telling me I’m wrong and she’s right.  Iwill NOT listen to one more single word against my mother by anyone. And I know I am right in this.  Someone must retain family values andhonor, and that starts by protecting one’s mother.

Love is the counterpoint of all families.  It starts with birth andthe incredible love a parent has for their child.  That transcends tobrothers, sisters, uncles, cousins, etc., etc.  More than love isneeded though; you also must learn forgiveness and compassion.  I hopeyou two learn these lessons better than I have.  I have forgiven, and Ifeel for them, but I no longer have any desire to put my heart in thethresher to be chewed up and spit out.  And I’m angry that my siblingshave never bothered to ask what really happened.  Never.  They justfigure it started with them I guess.  Hah!  It started with me andMom.  MY mom.  I remember it all, and I often wish I didn’t.  But Itold myself when I was 5 that I needed to remember it all so I wouldn’tdo to you what was done to me.  At least I did that much.

If Auntie wants to know you guys, fine.  But unless SHE comes tosome understanding that she is not the only person with a history,pain, anger and serious betrayal issues to deal with, I do not wish tospeak with her.  I can no longer handle anyone telling me what I thinkis correct or incorrect; it just is.  I can no longer handle anyonetelling me what I FEEL is wrong.  It is what I feel, and God made methe way I am.  I can only assume its for a reason.

I am sorry I’m such a terrible disappointment to my siblings.  I’lljust stay the fuck away from them so I don’t fuck up any more of theirlives or mental well-being.  I’m sorry we cannot talk.  I’ve tried.  Iget attacked, pure and simple.  And when I get attacked, I get loud andaggressive and say things I don’t really mean and then Auntie says”See!  See!” so I can’t talk to her anymore.  Of my immediate family,only Tommy ever understood me, and I’ve been bereft since he left us.

I’m sorry guys; I know this is upsetting to you.  I’m not saying youcan’t have a relationship with whomever you wish to cultivate arelationship with.  I’m just saying I no longer wish to know about it. It just makes me far too angry.  And yes, I’m sick to death of lettinga ghost fuck up my present.  I’m sick of not being allowed to defendmyself in this matter too.  In the beginning I thought I couldn’thandle the shame of it, and I couldn’t do that financially to mySIBLINGS, and now I feel like my SIBLINGS just want to shut me up. They can heal in whatever manner they need to heal, but I’ve never hadthat option.  I’ve always had to put someone else’s well-being in frontof my own.

And it looks as though I’m going to do it again.  So Auntie doesn’thave to worry about her poor brother Jimmy, I won’t do anything. Again.  I’ll just DEAL, because nobody else can and somebody has too,right?

And no, I’m not writing off anyone. I am simply choosing to notparticipate in their collective BS. And yes, I call it BS because Iknow BS when it gets thrown in my face. It stinks and hurts the eyes.Which means I’m not willing to be the familyblack-sheep/fall-guy/punching-bag anymore. This is about self-respect,and nothing else. I feel bad that it’s come to this, but I have towatch out for me now.

I love you guys! And I always, always will.

Mom

As an aside, I realize everyone carries the burdens given to them,and it’s all individualistic.  I also realize I must be a very strongperson, because some people get fucked up over incidents here andthere, but I’ve managed to stay reasonably sane despite the constantbrain-washing and physical/sexual abuse I grew up with.  I canliterally recall 14 constant years of it. Only visits to my Gramma’shouse (a grandmother others may actually think wasn’t good for kids)kept me sane.  Maybe I just need to hit something.

I just want to walk away from all of this.

Life

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Starting Sunday night I have had blinding headaches every night. The kind where I lie still and try not to breath. I’ve tried migraine meds and one kind helped the first night but the other kinds haven’t done much.

Today I noticed that the blinding headache is concentrating further south. My neck and throat are very swollen and painful. I’m starting to have trouble talking and swallowing. I feel like I have a noticeable fever. I don’t have health insurance until Friday. One of the other teachers on campus told me to take the next two days off, but I don’t feel like that would be responsible. And besides–the irony of me skipping school because I am sick when I wouldn’t skip for Burning Man is funny. (I know I know. Health thing versus going to play… but still.)

I think this is the third time in my life when I have cancelled something big and major only to get very sick right before I was supposed to start doing whatever it is. Intuition maybe?