Tag Archives: life

uhm, uhm uhm…

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Well… I finished my lesson for tomorrow and read the book for the other class and all that mess…

So now I am sitting here twiddling my thumbs. It is 8:30 on a Thursday night and I feel like I want someone to pay attention to me. Puppy is still at work and will be for a while longer (TA duties). I am noticing that teaching means putting a great deal of time and focus outside of me and onto other people. When I finished the reading tonight I stopped and considered the fact that other than eating, the need for sleep, and bathing I haven’t paid attention to myself in the last 48-ish hours. That is a long time for me to not have any personal thoughts! I tried hitting a social event last night for a bit but I was so wrapped up in what I needed to accomplish in planning that I got snappy and impatient immediately and just came home. It’s a weird feeling. I want attention, and yet I know that I have no energy to give to anyone at this point so I’m not seriously thinking about doing anything with anyone else. I feel totally selfish and self-absorbed. I hate that I feel bad for that. I need to be asleep in about an hour and a half and I haven’t noticed myself in more than two days and I feel guilty for wanting to focus on me for what time I have until I sleep? I really am weird.

Or maybe I’m not. Do other people feel guilty when they want to only pay attention to themself? (I’m sure my self-absorbtion of the moment is also related to my speedy reading of Siddhartha tonight.)

I think I should put on a cheesy kids movie, make myself some comfort food that I won’t feel guilty about, and crawl into bed.

I can’t even bring myself to seriously look at what has happened on lj since this weekend. My brain considered it and discarded it out of laziness. I do love you all; I’m just fried.

Drowning

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Wow this week has been brutal!

I haven’t read lj really. I tried skimming… but my brain is fried and there is a novel I have to read tonight because I take over teaching the class tomorrow.

I may still end up teaching another section. Oy. I want them to decide already.

My class is going fairly well. I have next week planned entirely and I am putting finishing touches on the following two weeks. YAY!

I love my Puppy. He has been stepping up in a number of ways that really impress me. I feel very lucky to have him even though having him means I have an evil commute.

I had dinner with a cool guy from school on Tuesday. That was a highlight of the week. 🙂

Still running a defecit on sleep and sex. DAMNIT!!!

Blurbiness

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So I hate updating sans client, but my Semagic is still sucking for unknown reasons.

Confusion is still reigning in response to teaching this semester/year. Hopefully there will be a phone call today helping with that. I talked to fin aid. I’ve been approved and such, I just haven’t been sent my check yet. I can float a bit longer.

I have been watching Katrina news more than I have watched anything since 9/11. I am significantly upset by the whole situation and I can’t put my finger on why exactly. Yes, it is a major tragedy–but why do I feel so personally affected by it? Usually I am somewhat more callous than that. I think in order to survive in America you need to be somewhat callous to the atrocities that occur every day somewhere in the world. We can’t help/fix/whatever everyone. But this one I can’t let go of. I’m sending money and I feel pathetic for only doing that. I am sending more than I can really afford, but who in the hell am I to bitch about money concerns when I still have a home and a stable income and…. yeah. Just do it and all that.

My massive cleaning on Tuesday has been somewhat obliterated by the messiness that is the Puppy. *sigh* Oh well. I am going to finish cleaning the guest room today anyway because it may come in useful tomorrow night. Interesting stuff in the works.

Much oddness still happening in the relationship with the Puppy. He complained enough about my sex drive that it seems to be…. gone. Yeah. I haven’t been able to talk myself into being interested in sex in several days. I feel pretty distant from even the idea of sex. He pointed out that I have an issue with always/never. My sex drive is on or it is off. I either want to have sex four times a day or I am not even vaguely interested. I think it has to do with not wanting to deal with rejection; in order to stop feeling rejected I will turn that part of my body off. Not so good.

He is off to a 15 hour day today. Tomorrow is also likely to be a long day. *sigh* Not much time spent with him lately and that is sad.

I am feeling very disconnected right now. Even when I am standing in front of someone I adore and hugging them, I feel kind of panicky and like I have to run away. Yet I miss them and want to spend time with them. Even when I am with someone I miss them. I don’t know what is going on.

And my tummy is hurting and I’m not sleeping well. Blah.

blurbs

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I woke up this morning and checked my email and promptly became a ranting, raving bitch. Well, I finally got my teaching assignment. It is fourty fucking miles from my house. I ranted and was pissy and nasty for a while. Puppy and I went through a debate about whether I should move to SJ and he should move back up to Berkeley basically for the year. This kind of snapped me out of my nastiness. We decided that would suck more than driving and we want to continue living together. I uhhh don’t get to be all nasty about the 9,000 or so miles I am going to put on my car in the next 5 months… I told him that if he thinks he might want to break up with me he better do it now before I go through that or he is going to end up in the hospital because I will beat him so badly he won’t wake up for a week.

Last night I was thanked for driving a friend around on errands yesterday. I literally stopped and blinked. It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to do it. What an interesting thought. I wonder how other people’s brains work. (The thank you was very sweet in any case.)

Still no word on financial aid. However, I think that one is going to work itself out eventually and be ok. I am going to take both loans and let one of them sit in my savings account due to my paranoia about my car dying in the next year. Puppy is much more worried about money than I am. I’m actually kind of worried about his stress level above my own. Money doesn’t get to me the way it seems to get to him.

The MA class this semester turns out to be specifically themes in Californian literature as oppossed to American literature overall. Hrm. Uhm, ok. This class is going to be rather difficult and I am always paranoid when I have one term paper that is 40% of my grade. Can we say, “Don’t fuck up.” It’ll be ok though. I am going to get through this with flying colors, damnit. I want to get an A in this class. Just because I want to have another one on my transcript. 🙂

I think my house is going to be messy for the next few months and I could not care less! 🙂 I am actually all of a sudden *so* grateful that I have already made the decision to not do Dickens. The commute and long hours there on top of my already driving sooooo much and working like crazy would be too much. But now I am really happy that I don’t feel like I am making the decision out of last-minute duress. I really like having things be settled already.

I got another good massage last night. Two in two weeks! My life doesn’t suck. 🙂

I have decided that despite the fact that today did not start off on a great foot, I am going to be in a good mood. I have sang the Bumblebee song to myself three times already and I’m still giggling. Now, I am going to make cookies! I’m going to make sooooo many cookies today. I need to have cookies for sarahh and brian1789 so that they can feel the love as they are on their way to Spain. It isn’t easy going far away from your loved ones for a long time. And cause I’m going to make lots of cookies for them I want to bring some to karenbynight and princeofwands too cause they have been including me in their lives more and more and they make me feel very good about myself. Besides, maybe if I bribe them with good enough cookies they will delay moving away from me by another week or so. *sniff* And and and and… the more I think about making cookies, the more people I think need some cookies. I think the cookie fairy needs to visit a large number of households in the next few days… This means I need to get off my ass!

birthday

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I woke up this morning and thought about my upcoming birthday. I have absolutely no plans and I doubt I am going to make any. I thought about the last five birthdays and how I have spent them primarily with Tom and with Anna. And I cried. Where did my life go? I miss them both so much and it feels like neither of them love me at all anymore and it hurts so much.

I will probably spend my birthday hiding in my house with it as dark as I can make it and crying and mourning the fact that the life I thought I was building died. Puppy will go shooting. Apparently the Puppy is more perceptive and caring than I first gave him credit for. Yay Puppy.

sad

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Sometimes something happens. It doesn’t have to be an important something, just random bickering. But it tells you a lot about who a person is and it tells you a lot about who a community is. Today I think I figured out that I don’t belong in a community. The social values of that community are not ones that I respect or can live by and that means I should walk away instead of dealing with continual upset and difficulty.

It’s sad really. I don’t think it will be that hard though. There are some good people in that community. There are probably three or four people that I will continue to include in my life, but I will simply not be part of that overall dynamic.

I’m worth more than that.

Oh yeah

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And I forgot to mention that when we got home late last night it was to a note on our door from PG&E. There was some sort of power fluctuation and if they fried any of our electronics, please call them and order a claim form.

FUCK. Our modem is toast. Our phones are toast. The microwave that I bought on THURSDAY. The answering machine.

Apparently everything that wasn’t plugged in via a power strip. Mother Fucker.

A new modem is going to be ~ $100. I want to cry.

Productivity in spurts.

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I was supposed to do a bunch of stuff yesterday, but scalding myself at around 11:30 ended my desire to get off my bed and instead I lay very still and cried a lot all day. (Oh. The mark on my stomach is still very red but fading. My arm looks normal. My breast is still very red and angry and unhappy looking, but it doesn’t hurt to touch it.)

So today! Today is the day. I am going to do laundry. I am going to make my whole house clean and ship-shape as we run off for several days again. Most of my house isn’t bad, but there are bits of picking up all over and floors/bathroom stuff could really use a good scrubbing. Not to mention cat care. I already paid bills this morning and have got the living room almost up to snuff.

Still debating whether I’m doing S&P tonight. If I do it won’t be for long and I may show up later. I feel like cooking tonight and stuff. 🙂 I’m just not quite at my most social right now and I am going to be in the company of minimally three people pretty much at all times until Sunday night or Monday. Oy. I think I am going to have to practice keeping my mouth shut. 🙂 Doesn’t mean I don’t like all of the people I will be seeing (ok, there is one girl but she is annoying no matter what) I will just be running on maximal people capacity for a while.

To those wonderful people I get to see this weekend that I don’t get to see much: please feel free to give hugs and snuggles and such. But if at some point I kind of go off and sit by myself it is NOT ABOUT YOU HAVING UPSET ME. Cause you rock. 🙂

woof

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And that is a deadpan, non-emotive woof. I am freakin exhausted. I slept for a couple of hours tonight and I still hurt from exhaustion. I actually got an almost-normal amount of sleep this weekend so I’m not completely sure why I am this tired.

I had quite the weekend. I went down to Santa Cruz with my nephew for the beach burn. During the weekend he did something stupid (he is 15 after all) and I said, “Good going genius.” For the rest of the weekend everyone there called him Genius and it was put on his name tag. He told me he likes it and wants it to stick as his nickname. Odd boy. He was surprised at my ability to track exactly how much alcohol and pot he did over the weekend. I kept telling him, “Dude–these are my friends. Of course they will rat on you.” He stayed at a moderate level though and given that his mother is ok with him using both substances, I kept my mouth shut. I did ask him to stop mid-way through Friday night because I felt he was at the limit of what he should do in a night and he stuck with my recommendation. I was glad. It was interesting taking him down there because he got to see examples of people who use responsibly and people who use irresponsibly and it was kind of cool to see the dichotomy up close. He also handled the sexual innuendo pretty well and told me that the party will be a whole lot more fun when he is over 18 and the girls don’t avoid him like the plague. I can see that….

I learned some lessons this weekend that I have learned before so I feel like a schmuck for not having actually absorbed them before. I don’t like loud, large, anonymous parties. I just don’t. I don’t have fun; I don’t feel safe; I don’t relax. So why do I go to them? I think I believe that they should be fun, or maybe I believe that since I am so much of an extrovert that I must like large parties… right? Well I just don’t. I hate them. And loud music makes my stomach hurt and I get grumpy. I need to not go to them anymore. It isn’t that I am a stick-in-the-mud, I just prefer smaller gatherings.

Puppy and I had a couple of blow-ups and two long and hard discussions. There are things in this relationship that are very hard for me. We really do have trouble communicating. He pointed out that a big part of our problem is that we are too much alike. We are both extremely sensitive and emotional. We both take teasing too seriously and get upset and we both feed off of one another’s upset. ugh. It is like he is a cross between Noah and Tom. He has many of the qualities that I loved so much about Tom, but he wants to process… a lot… Yeah. That is straight up Noah territory. Ostensibly this should be the best of both worlds… if we can figure one another out… I’m scared because I want to run more than I have wanted to run in a very long time. This relationship is absolutely terrifying to me on a basic level and I can’t entirely figure out why.

Introvert v. Extrovert

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I have always thought of myself as a rather extreme extrovert. I could never seem to get enough attention/interaction… you name it. I NEED to be around people.

But… I wonder if I have always felt this way because I was operating from a defecit. I never did get much time with people. I was alone because I had no choice–not because I wanted it. I didn’t have friends consistently until my late teens because we moved so often. I spent most of my childhood alone reading a book–kind of the model of introvert, but I was never happy about it. Starting with when I got involved with theatre at LGHS I fought being alone with all of my strength and energy. I kept up the fight until some ways into my relationship with Tom. I often complained about how boring he was because he wanted to sit at home and watch tv, but I was really part of the problem. I wanted him to stay home, but I wanted him to pay more attention to me. It was a difficult arrangment to figure out.

Now, I have been out and out and out and out for the past few months. I have been out so much that Miss Jenny has complained that I am gone far more than I am home–and it has been true in the main. But I returned from Ireland 26 days ago and I have slept somewhere other than my bed 7 times and no one has slept here. This is a rather drastic shift from how things had been happening in the previous three months. And they are shifting because I want them to. I have essentially turned down sex because I knew the person would want to spend the night/snuggle afterwards and I just wasn’t in the headspace for it. I am sleeping alone because I want to. I am breaking dates and staying home because I don’t want to deal with people. It is weird. This is entirely counter to the image I have of myself. I have even skipped some dance things because I just didn’t want to deal with people. I am having more and more trouble getting out of the house on time for dates/events because I just can’t bring myself to face the people. It really isn’t that I don’t want to see/don’t like the people–because I do. I really love and treasure the people in my life. But I’m feeling very overwhelmed by them.

For a while I’m going to try to go to events on my own rather than have a date. If I already have a date with you scheduled, I’m going to try to keep it–but please don’t take it personally if I cancel. I just feel over peopled right now. It’s like I am caving in under the pressure. The semester has begun and despite the fact that my grades weren’t that bad last semester, I need them to be higher this semester. This is going to necessitate more time spent on school.

I don’t know how this is going to play out. But I’m beginning to think I might actually be an introvert who manages to survive fairly well in an extrovert world rather than the extrovert I have always believed.

Very odd.

Play safe. Come back. Tell stories.

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Well. I played safely. I played a looooooooooooooot. I don’t know who I am coming back to. I guess that means it is time to tell stories. Heh. I do love that part.

Ok. This is going on my tightest filter, so whereas normally if people talk about what I post with whoever else is on my friends-list it isn’t a big deal… this time… not many are seeing it. So for once…. yeah. Please don’t broadcast. 🙂

I engaged in some interesting behavior this weekend. I was even more out there than I normally am. Friday night was not out there really, I went to the Citadel. The highlight of the night was when a friend was getting ready to beat me and she wanted me to take my clothes off. There was a row of like six people just standing there watching the scene. She told them to turn around so I could get undressed, I was faking modesty, and they all did it!!!! I about died laughing!!!!!!!

Fabulous. I also got to suspend my best friend for the first time. That was cool. I’m glad we finally shared that.

Saturday… I got stuff done at home then I went off to an e party. This was a small party at a friend’s house. I am going to work like crazy not to give identifying information, but that is hard! (If I say anything too obvious please yell at me and I will edit.)

The party started off with some house cleaning and food prep. It felt good to be creating space for the event and I felt like I was more than just a guest. I liked that. When we were all ready to get started we sat in the living room in a circle. We discussed rules of the house, it is always wonderful to be clear on these things! Then I passed around some Magnessium (helps with jaw clenching) and we got to roll. As things were getting started we played a name game. I still feel like there are 6 people who went (out of 14) that I barely know. I do know their names of course… but I don’t know them. I didn’t talk to them. S’ok. I actually didn’t spend the night quite how I expected to. There was a couple I expected to play with a lot that I didn’t play with at all. There was another couple that I expected to sort of, kind of play with that I not only played with for most of the party, I followed them home the next day! (More on this later)

I actually spent a huge chunk of the night sitting in a bedroom with one person. He was looking at porn (a fine and noble task I say) so I picked up my laptop and showed him bunches of naked pictures of me and I read him some of the stories I have read about things I have done. This was a fantastical ubercool way to spend a bunch of the night. (I wandered in and out.) I had a serious case of short attention span this time. It was ok though. I had a tremendous amount of sex. I was told it was hours and hours worth. 😀 Yay. All I know is I felt physically GOOD all night long. I didn’t have jaw issues. I got a little bit of the scratchies, but not as much as I have in the past. I didn’t get into conversations much. Other people were being chatty and doing the soul-revealing thing. I just wasn’t there. I didn’t want to talk. It was like my brain wanted to be disconnected. Somehow the reading felt different. I wasn’t having to connect with myself in the moment. I have been doing a lot of introspection lately and I was really happy to take a break from that.

Side note- I have been ‘big’ all weekend. I haven’t once felt any inclination to go little. Well, I did have a sippie cup at the party, but that was more about an oral fixation than about being little. I noticed this as I drove home this morning. I haven’t felt big for this long in I couldn’t tell you when. I have no idea what triggered it. Anyway. More story.

I really enjoyed the party. I liked touching and being touched. I enjoyed the playing with the couple. I fell asleep before the party wound down (big shocker there) so this of course means that I woke up long before anyone else. Even I hate being such an insane morning person sometimes. I got up to go out to the hot tub so that I wouldn’t bug other people in the house too much. The man I had spent most of the night playing with was up. He asked if he could follow me out to the hot tub and of course I agreed. 🙂 This lead to more yummy playing. With the sun coming up. It was breathtaking. Hell yeah. Gotta do that again some day.

Eventually we got out and I tried to snuggle but I was too antsy. People started rousing and I spent some time talking a little with one of the most amazing women I know. I was really happy to have time with her. We decided that it was time to start breakfast. I ran off to the market and amused a group of elderly people on the way back. *shrug* It’s not my fault that they don’t understand about the blue world.

Breakfast took a while to totally produce, but that was way ok. We were all…. a bit… slow… Snuggling and cuddles took place for the whole morning and into the afternoon. I finally left to follow the couple home. I stopped by my house first because I thought clean clothes and a shower were a very good idea.

I got to their house feeling somewhat apprehensive. I felt like I had been invited by the husband and not by the wife. That is a very hard thing for me. I had one situation some months ago where my behavior caused pain to someone’s partner and I’ve been feeling really gun-shy about such things since. It turned out remarkably well though. Wow. We did nitrous and pot for uhhhh a long time. I have no idea how long really. And we had sex and sex and sex and sex. It was rather remarkable to me that they were functional enough to keep up the supply. I sure as hell wasn’t. Eventually they really hit my max capacity of substance usage. I curled up and went *poof* Dragging me downstairs for food was hard. I couldn’t believe how functional they were.

Then I passed out. Hard. I got lots of sleep again! Yay. I woke up this morning and talked with their daughter for a while. That was surreal for me. I had some mixed emotions about the situation, but it was ok. She is amazingly bright, and talkative, and social. I was incredibly impressed. I went back upstairs after an hour or so and climbed back into bed with them. The snuggling rocked. Of course more sex happened. I enjoyed that talking that finally started to happen. Eventually the lovely lady asked for some alone time with her husband and I scooted out. It was really good. I was delighted that she asked. It means that I will feel more comfortable next time because I will trust her to let me know when she is ready for me to leave. I’m always terrified of over-staying my welcome and I often leave things early because I don’t want to overstay. I think I miss out on a lot of good bonding time because I’m afraid of pushing. 🙁

Anywho. Very fabulous. I am a happy happy girl. Now I need to hop in the shower, get dressed and have lunch with a hot boy. Then I will help clean house. Then I will maybe come clean my own room. (HA!) Then I am heading over to see James and go to Plough and Death Guild. Wow. There are too many things to do!!!

I can’t say my life sucks. Cause it really doesn’t. That adrenaline rush of “ooooh attention!!!” has been kind of fading. It got a gnarly slap in the ass this weekend. I think I’m ok coasting for a bit again. Now it just comes down to scheduling.
“Love is limitless, time is not.”