Well, let me proudly display my gold metal. I won an argument on the internet. Person who said I was bashing people backed down really fast when I went through point by point giving background explanation.
I joined a mailing list for an argument and I only got in one round? Dangit. Oh well. Guess I’ll have to give up being fussy on that one. 🙂
Our only concession to VD was to give one another silly cards. Technically, I do this randomly sometimes so it isn’t that big of a stretch. He did bring home flowers, but…. he does that every so often too. (I REALLY like getting flowers, so he probably does it in the neighborhood of once a month.)
We had pizza bites for dinner. I made brownies so we had brownies a la mode for dessert. We danced around the living room when silly music came on. I won my first game of Monopoly ever!!! (I’m kind of excited about this. I *always* lose.)
It’s probably time to call it a night so we can rest up for the long, long, long……. weekend. 🙂 Hope to see lots of people this weekend! Maybe I’ll even be in a good mood! Offer me food. 🙂 I like chips and chocolate right now. 🙂
My work email was shut off today. Guess I won’t be looking at it again. Oh well.
Current countdowns:
Con begins in: 14 days. Woof. Are we ready?
I have 13 more class sessions left on my MA. No pressure.
The comp exam for my MA is in: 9 weeks. I need to freakin read more. Stupid poetry.
The kid is due in: roughly 16 weeks.
It’s really interesting to be aware that once I finish the con, the MA, and have the kid I’m not on any time schedules for anything. We want to move to PA as soon as is reasonable, but we don’t have a firm date on this. We want this house sold soon, but there isn’t a mandatory date. I’m going to be just sort of floating in space. I don’t think I have had that in my life before. I have had periods where I knew I didn’t have to do anything for a month or two before the grind started again, but I have no grind to look forward to.
Holy shit.
Pittsburgh is cold.
Victorian houses are pretty.
I have massive inferiority complexes.
I don’t maintain an even temperament well when my sleep schedule is completely fucked up.
My cat really misses me when I am gone for the weekend.
I lap up praise from professors like it is the best ice cream on the planet.
And then, completely randomly, I was thinking about this other thing…
Continue reading
I have woken up in a bad mood for several days in a row and that is highly abnormal. Usually I wake up all sunny and happy. That’s why I consider myself a morning person. Even if I go to sleep in a bad mood I usually wake up happier. I’ve been going to sleep feeling fine and waking up kind of angry and fussy.
WTF?
I talked to my mom yesterday. I asked for clarification about something she said to me when I called to tell her about Francesca. I felt hurt by what she said then but I wasn’t sure she meant it the way I took it. So I asked. Novel. She clarified and I can see both why I took it the way I did and what she meant and how what she meant wasn’t so bad. It was good. This whole “asking for clarification” thing seems to be working out.
I keep waffling between grieving hard for Francesca and being numb and forgetful. I feel like I am in a fog a lot of the time. I’m still pushing hard to get stuff done to the house this week. Classes are supposed to start tonight and I’m having registration issues. (My department has record of me filing for leave, registration doesn’t. @#%@(#)$) This week is the last really hard push for house stuff because the open house is this weekend while we are in Pittsburgh. After that, the house is pretty much going to be whatever it is. Tough titty said the kitty!
That means that starting on Monday my life is going to calm down. I won’t have a job. I won’t have obnoxious parents to deal with. I won’t be working on the house semi-frantically. I will have: school two nights a week, a really heavy reading load but that’s not scary for me, my frequent rounds of appointments (acupuncture, therapy, midwife, Chris pictures), and I need to start prenatal yoga and birth classes. Oy. I keep reminding myself that this is *less* stress/time commitments than I am used to.
*fret*
*worry*
*angst*
Ok, I’ll try to stop being a moron now.
I got to ST today to finish packing and my energy just tanked. I can’t believe how tired I am all the time. Maybe I feel like this because I don’t really want to do this work? Hm. (Yes, I slept a lot last night.)
So little time and so much to do. Have to move whether I like it or not.
There will be no drama around scene involvement. I probably won’t really get into the scene for a number of years so I get to be drama-free. Wheeeeeee
I won’t have to fix up a house that I have never really wanted to live in. I’m encountering a lot of physical resistence to this task. My body just doesn’t want to do it. It isn’t that the house is awful or that I am *that* bitter about anything in particular. It’s just not someplace that I chose. I have gotten to actually choose exactly one place I have ever lived. I really want my own house to work on. Where I will get to enjoy the fruits of my labor for years and years instead of trying to drive up the sale price.
I want to pick a house and move in and figure out where everything goes with no history behind any of the rooms or furniture arrangements. We also get to buy furniture basically for an entire house. A new bed. Probably new bedding. I will get to pick *everything* (with Noah, of course) but none of it will be stuff that I just have to accept. I get new stuff. Ok, so I’m probably going to try to buy a lot of it used but it will still have no history for me. Yay!
I will maintain contact with the people I really like and there won’t be much in the way of hard feelings when I drift away from people. It will be easy to see who actually cares about keeping in touch with me. No more feeling pressured to go to a party because I like one person. Yay!
A new start. Many people in my life have known me for a very long time. They react to me in very set ways that don’t always reflect the ways that I and they and our relationship have changed. It will be nice to not have to deal with this situation so much.
I will get to start traditions of my own with my family without having to accomodate the many things people want me to be involved with. I don’t really resent being involved with other peoples’ traditions, but I want my own.
By the time we move I will have gotten over guilt for leaving my job. (Mostly) I will be done with my MA and I will never have to deal with SJSU again. No more event planning, ever.
Getting rid of a bunch of stuff that isn’t necessary for life. Holy cow do we have crap.
So many new beginnings. I think moving will be really good.
I feel so empty. I have very little emotion right now. I’m tired.
Getting through today sucks. Then I have to get through tomorrow. I have a lot of typing to do after school to catch up with finals creation. Ugh. It’ll be ok though. I’ll get through.
Noah is amazing. He did an incredible amount of work this weekend and then after being incredibly productive he was still willing to find some extra energy and baby me. I have the best husband ever.
Next weekend we have a laundry list of chores that need to get done. Things like washing windows, sandpapering doors to get the paint off, cutting the front bushes, and cleaning cobwebs off the outside of the house. Anyone who wants to come help is welcome. 🙂 We can probably do it all ourselves, but what the heck.
Next Saturday is also a gathering at a friend’s house and the TNG volunteer fair. I am not sure how I feel about attending either. So tired.
Tired.
Tired.
Tired.
Tonight marks the first time that the Lizard has kicked hard enough so that I could be absolutely definite that I was feeling it and Noah could feel it too. This is so wonderful.
Have I mentioned that I’m really happy about having a family with Noah? I can’t imagine this being so wonderful in any other circumstance.
In 2006 I reflected. For 2007 the five most memorable moments are:
1. Looking down and seeing a positive pregnancy test. I went into the other room and picked up Noah’s hand and pulled him bodily into the bathroom to look with me without saying anything. It was overwhelming.
2. Looking at the ultrasound screen and seeing the alien growing inside my belly for the first time. Now that’s proof.
3. Watching a gorgeous sunrise on a boat with my favorite person in the world.
4. Snuggling with Crystal and sharing all of the deep down scary stuff.
5. Camp Everytown was more than a moment, but it is a time of my life I will never forget.
And to copy what happened in 2005 Post a New Year’s resolution that you think I should do. Then post this in your own LJ, and see what resolutions people think you should do.
I think I am going to crack open a bottle of sparkling cider soon. If I make it till 9pm I will be shocked.
Been home for not quite 12 hours so far. Laundry is going. I dumped the contents of the two (enormously overstuffed) suitcases on the floor and now I need to deal with actually putting stuff away.
Disney World was… interesting. Loved Epcot and Animal Kingdom seemed neat (we didn’t actually do much there because of sleep needs). I wasn’t that impressed with MGM Studios and Magic Kingdom was noticeably inferior to Disney Land. It was pretty neat being in this All Disney All The Time world for a little while. I started to have a little bit of a hard time with the eternally plucky staff at times. Amusingly, I didn’t like the waiter who acted like we were impositions much more so I guess there is just no pleasing me. Luckily I had more good-body days than bad-body days. I think I need to invest in serious black out curtains because both of the rooms we had on the trip could be completely pitch black during the day and we slept 9-12 hours each day. I suspect that we might both be more-sleep-is-good people.
Andrew–we went to the slavery museum in Nassau and it was just as interesting as you said it would be. Thanks for the recommendation. 🙂 The visit to the warm was nice, but I’m really glad I don’t live there. If it is this warm in the winter I would die in the summer. I got my hair braided on Nassau–just shy of 100 braids and it looks neat. I was probably overcharged, but I think that given how much money I make and how much money the braiders need to live on… I’m ok with that.
Noah had maybe two hours of cumulative grump on the whole trip and I probably clocked in four or five hours of cumulative grump on the whole trip. All things considered that is bloody amazing. Spending time with him continues to be the most wonderful way to spend time I have ever experienced. He is freakin awesome to travel with. I love my easy-going baby. I scored big time on my Christmas presents to him. I got jammies this year. 🙂 And a trip to Disney World and a cruise. So I can’t really complain. Dude we shopped. Went more than a little nuts. I’m surprised we got it all home… The funny part is: a lot of it is just getting put directly into boxes for storage for the next 8-9 months. I’ll get to feel like Christmas is coming early next year when I unpack. 🙂
Speaking of which: I need to get off the computer and start packing. The folks are coming to measure for carpeting in a bit. We need to get a bunch more stuff packed before the kids come over to finish up the painting touch-ups later this week. (I love my aides. I love them. I love them. The kids who painted this summer are coming back because they love me so much. 🙂 We have about two weeks to finish emptying the house out for the staging. I’m trying to get a bunch of the stuff packed and in storage so I won’t have to worry about it for moving. I also need to respond to a bunch of TNG emails today. I am going to wait until after the carpet people come because I need to get stuff off the floor…
I doubt we will make it out to any of the NYE festivities tonight. Love you all, but my body is terribly confused right now as to what time it is. We are going to have apple cider around 9 and call it a Disney World New Years. 🙂
Maybe more later. Maybe not. 🙂
I think that is an amusing headline. 🙂 And it did! This is fabulous. I’m not going to say that acupuncture is the most AMAING THING EVAR, but uhm… it’s pretty damn neat. I managed to eat solid food on two separate occasions today. I haven’t managed that in almost a week. The second meal was tiny, but that’s ok. It’s something. The neato chica sticking me with sharp things also seemed amused at my attempts at silly jokes. She can stay. Which is probably good seeing as Joe kinda likes her. 😉
And today involved some incredibly hot sex. If I was feeling good enough for food *and* sex after acupuncture I am totally going back. Best $100 I have spent in months.
Not to mention that I got a great phone call from one of the most awesomest people I know. My day so rocked.
We got the paper work today for the Disney World/Cruise trip. I’m bouncing. SO EXCITED!!!!!
This whole moving thing requires that I somehow find the energy to pack. Have I mentioned lately that I hate packing? Does anyone have boxes?
Christmas is looming in that way that it does. I think we are actually mostly done with the shopping we want to do. With luck the remaining things can be found online so I can shun that evil place… the mall… Here’s hoping.
Con stuff is not going so well as I would hope. Between the people who moved away, the people who flaked (love that one of them was telling his girlfriend he was still involved–mad slick that move), and the people who are just not fucking responding to email despite the fact that we need their fucking piece of work to move on… I just want to scream. That said, once I get responses from the last round of emails I am pretty sure I am done with programs. Now to create the class matrix and send out confirmations and pertinent information to people. With luck that will be done in the next week. (I say luck, really it depends on me feeling human for multiple days in a row.) Although one thing this con has done is reminded me just how much Jon, Erik, and Sarah rock. I wasn’t ever really doubting, but right now I am fucking thrilled with them. (Look at the website! www.tngcon.org Erik did that! He rocks!) See, one should always remain friends with one’s ex’s. 😉
I am still only barely hanging in there with teaching. Everyone wishes I was nicer and my only response is, yeah and I wish I didn’t feel like shit 24/7. And I want a fucking Oompa Loompa. We don’t get what we want in life. 🙁 I’m trying really hard to be nice. It just isn’t going so well as normal. I’ve been looking around my classroom and thinking about the fact that in the next month I need to take things down from the walls. It will be sad. I seriously moved in to this room. I’m going to miss these memories.
Noah is riding the waves of hormonal freak outs spectacularly well. A couple of bumps were very unpleasant all the way around, but I think that being on the other side of those bumps is better in every way so it’s ok. Having the best boy in the world is a really nice feeling.
I miss being social, but I don’t see how more of it can possibly happen seeing as my window for social on most days is about two hours long. That will probably improve come January when I am not working anymore. Holy cow the kids suck energy like mad.
We are looking at flying out to Pittsburgh in January. Noah figures that exposing me to the freaking cold during the coldest month of the year is fair warning. We are also going to try and figure out a little bit more about where things are located and what parts of the city we actually want to live in. Brrrrrr.
This weekend we get to drive up to Napa and pick up Noah’s wedding ring. We decided that after a year of marriage it was time to get around to getting him the ring we had been talking about getting. We found a really neat jewelery up there on accident and it has been in process for a while. Maybe I will get around to posting pictures of my ring as well when we get his and we can show how perty and cute and matching like they are. 🙂
I caught up on all of my back emails from: work, the con, and my personal life. I must be reaching that second trimester feel sorta better thing…
Today is not a good day. Last night was a really bad night. I’m exhausted. I’m cranky. I don’t want to be here. I want to cry and scream and punch someone. But then again that might take too much energy. Today may be the first day when I literally put my head down on my desk and go to sleep during class.
Right now I don’t see how this problem shall be resolved. Right now I don’t see how I am in the wrong. Right now my whole body hurts. I’m tired of crying.
Sometimes I feel kind of idiotic because so many of my posts are trite and then I think, “but if I don’t post people will hit refresh dozens of times with nothing to see” then I try to convince myself that I am not lame; I am magnanimous! Anyway. 🙂
Today we drove our yuppie ass hybrid car to yuppie ass Whole Foods and bought yuppie ass organic food and granola. Whatever happened to being rebellious and wild? I bought fucking organic lunch meat and cod liver oil. I can’t believe the shit I do sometimes. We had to come home after that to refrigerate food and eat again. See, I weighed myself this morning again and noticed that after breakfast (normally I weigh myself before) I am… down more weight. Alright then, time to start seriously trying to increase my calorie intake. This is gonna suck cause food tastes awful in the main. We then went to yuppie ass Stanford shopping center where we bought some extremely yuppie Christmas presents. But they are so neat!! 🙂 We were joined by the always delightful for our wander through terminal yuppieville. I feel guilty that we were only able to stay out for about two hours before my body crashed and burned hard and we needed to stop walking around. (Did I mention that we stopped and bought more food twice during this period because I was hungry? wtf?) We then went to a birthday shindig where I walked in and said, “May I borrow a bed?” My wonderful Daddy tucked me in so I could lie there and be totally out of it for a while. I sucked it up after a bit and managed to be social for nearly two hours. 🙂 My lovely Noah got to be social and talk to people other than me and I felt happy that I hadn’t let him just take me home after shopping. 🙂
Then more food. Then the dance where we did registration for two hours, talked to one of my favorite kids (one of my awesome painters from last summer) for about 20 minutes then came home. I’m typing this in between bites of yogurt, granola, and fruit because if I don’t eat now I will wake up at 2 or 3 am with massive stomach pain. I’m jittery from having caffeine tonight to allow me to stay up for the dance. (That probably contributes to me babbling right now.) I found out that 1/2 of my classes did the lesson plan on Friday and 1/2 sat in the library doing nothing. Ah, shit. That’s gonna suck to fix.
If my life were to be better right now what would it look like.
I would spend no more than 9 hours a day at work and I would not work weekends. (7:30-4:30 is fucking long enough.) Especially because I only get paid for 7 1/2 hours.
I would get to be social once or twice every week in a way that felt meaningful which means not going to an event where I don’t know anyone and sleeping on the couch. (Not complaining about that event honey, just saying that I want to feel like I have a real social life.)
My stomach feeling ok would be an automatic cue to go have sex because I miss it when I can’t have it and that is most of the time these days.
I would spend time every weekend working on the con instead of my job so that I felt like I was being productive towards an event I am helping with.
How do I get there?
I think that I need to give up on academic detention. It makes my life harder and right now that isn’t worth my time.
Write the grader and start having her do smaller assignments in addition to the big essays because it would make my life better.
Figure out how to let Noah help me with some stuff cause right now I am not taking advantage of my resources. 🙂
Start actually going to bed at 8 so that I am getting a more consistent amount of sleep.
My busy social weekend is evaporating. The Friday night party was cancelled due to illness. I realized that Saturday is Homecoming so I have to go supervise the dance. Oh well, so much for me getting to pretend I have friends or a life.
Have I mentioned that I want to throw up? Yeah, today the nausea is awful.
In other news–the midwife thinks I may be further along than I think due to the intensity and timing of my symptoms. We’ll have a better idea after the internal exam. She’s neat. She’s sassy and a smart ass. I can handle that. 🙂
My job is always extremely demanding. Teaching an honors class has made that worse.
I’m also the technology “mentor” at this point because my coworkers are fucking morons and can’t figure out how to work basic websites. This means a bunch of people pestering me constantly.
Academic detention is driving me batty. I’m feeling quite tempted to just ignore the Fs for the rest of the year. If you come in and want to make up your grade, fine. But I can’t keep pushing people to do the work. It makes my life suck.
I can’t be the repository of all the problems of all the kids right now. I’m too tired and worn out. I have nothing left to give them.
I’m dropping all involvement with clubs. I need to spend my lunches staring off into space, not going to meetings.
I am going to drop some of the essays I had planned to give the honors class. I simply cannot spend 10 hours grading essays every three weeks. I can’t do it. Not on top of all the rest of the grading and prep.
I am not helping much with the TNG con. I feel horrible for dumping it on Jon, but I can’t do more than I am doing. 🙁
I’m supposed to be doing research on getting the house remodeled. Right now I am kicking myself for not getting this done last summer.
I’m not seeing my friends much. I’m doing a little bit of it because I feel like I *should* but I find myself feeling resentful of the energy output even as I am glad to see people. I am tired of having to leave by 8:30 because I feel like shit. It’s not like I can say, “Hey–let’s hang out during the weekend day” either because I’m always fucking working.
Hormones are kicking in and I want to cry a lot of the time. I feel so overwhelmed that I want to just give up. Why am I doing all this shit again?
I can’t have sex like I want to because I feel shitty all the time and I know that must be having a negative effect on my overall attitude and emotional state.
I don’t know what is going to give, but something has to.