Tag Archives: life

Further proof that my life does not suck.

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Today, one of my kids went off campus during lunch and bought me a Jamba Juice. (The kid finishes school at 5th period–that’s the only reason he is allowed to leave.) This was after I bitched him out during 2nd period because he still hasn’t got his book and he was generally being a bit whiney. I think that apologizing after yelling at him probably helped. I told him I had no right to be such a bitch to him and he laughed. 🙂

Last night I jumped my hot honey. It was quite good. Sex is much less frequent these days, but oh so awesome when it happens.

My darling husband came to work with me this weekend and kept me company while I suffered through craptastic work. Have I mentioned that I am incredibly lucky?

We got to be social in three different venues this weekend–none of them for even 2 hours, but that is all the energy we have. It was good to see people. (This is the way to see me these days. Book a slot early in the day for 1-2 hours. That’s all the energy I have.)

And I finally got around to starting Harry Potter. Books 1 and 2 down. 🙂

Bits and pieces

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My coworkers are shocked and dismayed that I want to leave off teaching public school to homeschool my children. They believe that my actions are why the system is failing. Uhm, maybe I am acting the way I am because the system is failing–I hardly believe I carry the weight of all the blame.

Academic detention still sucks. But at least 15 students have already pulled up their grades to passing. Only 26 to go… (Passing meaning a C or better.)

It’s amazing that I can cry all the way to school and then turn it off and be fine in front of the kids. Then fall to pieces again when they leave.

Got to tell the kids today that everything smells way more strongly so I need them to take showers more often cause they are making me sick. That was an awkward conversation.

Feeling better than normal for lately. Maybe it’s the cheese. Mmmm cheese. Still exhausted.

Not so exciting.

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This weekend is Folsom. This big, fabulous, wonderfully pervy event right in my back yard. What am I doing this weekend? Grading papers. I’m behind and I am too tired during the week to catch up at night.

Ah well. Maybe I will get enough done on Saturday to hit the fair for a little while on Sunday. It’s not like I am up for dressing up anyway. 🙂 Right now I am wearing stretch pants because wearing anything with a waist makes me want to vomit.

Frustrated.

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My job takes a lot of time and energy in a thousand different ways. I have to deal with 150+ diverse personalities every day. I have to prepare material to start with and then later grade it. I have to deal with coworkers, many of whom I don’t like much. More and more kids are coming to me to dump their emotional problems. I’m glad I can help them, but it takes a lot of energy. (‘Nother kid today.) BTSA is going to be a serious pain in my ass, but I have to do it. At least my mentor doesn’t suck and I don’t have to repeat the stuff I did last year.

Having a house requires me to clean and fix stuff. I am supposed to prepare healthy food multiple times a day (yeah fucking right–we so eat out of the microwave). Noah has been doing way more than his share.

The Interloper is *not* being accepted by Puff. Which means that both cats are pissed constantly. This results in Puff hissing and not allowing affection and the Interloper is crying constantly and I am having fantasies of harming her. This isn’t good. The Interloper can’t remain in our household.

TNG Con stuff is starting to come faster and harder. I have less than 5 months until D-Day. I have a big job and people who want me to do stuff above and beyond my job. I want to cry or quit or something. I will never ever sign on for this shit again.

I’m sick of having fucking yeast infections constantly. It burns and itches. It is driving me nuts.

I’m sick of people telling me how to get pregnant. It is getting to the point where I am pretty nasty when people start lecturing me on what I “should” do to get pregnant. I don’t want to have sex anymore. Sex isn’t fun. It seems frustrating and disappointing.

I’m not in the mood to talk about how people interact and why it doesn’t work for someone or what they want to get out of their community. I feel like this problem is being laid at my feet and I don’t want to fucking hear it.

And we need to unpack from last weekend, but when? I get to go to a fucking meeting (oh wait, TWO fucking meetings) tomorrow night. Noah has declared Friday to be a coding night (he’s bloody earned it, that doesn’t mean I’m good at being patient with him doing computer stuff while I clean up after *us*). I’m supposed to go dancing, but it seems like a really bad idea considering the rest of my weekend. Saturday I have to go to a training from 9-12. Then we get to have dinner and go see a play with one of Noah’s fucking legion of ex’s. Seeing most of them is anxiety inducing and stressful for me for no good reason at all. Sunday we are hosting a tantra class and the last thing I am in the mood to do right now is be patient or spiritual or breathe. I’m going to be fussy if people cancel though because it will feel like one more thing to happen.

I just want to scream. If you decide to give me well meaning advice don’t feel surprised if you are kicked off my friends list. I don’t want to fucking hear it. This phase will pass, but I’m fucking frustrated.

Out of sorts.

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The Noah and I were not local last weekend. It was an experience. I would love to sit here and catch up on lj and emails and… but alas, that is not to be. I have a unit plan to polish (seeing as I had to start out this morning not knowing what I am doing for the next 5-6 weeks as the unit plan I was planning on using isn’t possible for the next few weeks. fucking technology). I have grading. I have to pretend I give a shit about being evaluated by the state this year.

Con shit is picking up too. That is going to start sucking an increasing amount of my brain.

I’m tired in a very odd bone weary sort of way. I’m tired of being a pariah. I’m tired of having people look at me as if there is something wrong with me. I feel like I should just give up on meeting people. I won’t though. I guess it’s cause I am a masochist. Or maybe because I am stupid.

Reflecting.

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The last year has been remarkable. I have been married for a year and 9 days. I have begun my third year of teaching. I painted my house so that I could work on banishing the ghosts from the building. I have made friends. I have unfortunately hurt people. I have faced down demons. I have discovered new trauma. I have learned to trust Noah in ways I never thought I would. I have gained 20 lbs. I have purchased furniture. I have gotten rid of furniture. I have a new kitten. I have gone off birth control. I took Noah to Disneyland for the first time as well as Portland and Seattle. I went to Las Vegas for my first trip and went to a bunch of Cirque shows.

It’s been quite a year. 25 was good to me. Let’s see how 26 goes. 🙂

+/-

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– Having to express boundaries in a way that is hard for me to say and hard for others to hear.
+ Expressing anxiety and concern and being heard and supported in totally unexpected ways.
– Allowing anxiety to turn my stomach into an acid pit for weeks.
+ Talking about anxieties with wonderful fabulous people who will support me no matter what.
+ Reading many fabulous books this summer.
+ Painting my house and making it feel more like my home allowing me to banish many of the ghosts that have been here for me.
+ Banishing the ghosts from the past making it more comfortable for other people to be here too.
– Playing phone tag with amazing people and not getting to really connect.
– Missing some of the people I love so much I feel like I drown in it.
+ Being social and getting to see wonderful people.
+ Having a friend buy me a corset!!! (I swear! Pictures soon!!)
+ More work done on my tattoo. Most of it wasn’t so bad. Then we moved to an area that wasn’t numb. That sucked ass through a straw.
– Finding out that my tattoo artist wants to move out of state in February so my tattoo has to be finished before I get pregnant. So uhm, I’m going again before this even has a chance to heal because we have to finish, damnit.
+ Good conversations with people about how size plays into perception of beauty. I really am fascinated by how people perceive size and beauty and how they are related and not. I love that my friends trust me enough to talk to me about this very touchy subject.
+ Plans coming up with people I rarely get to see. There are people in my life I think of as ‘watchers.’ They aren’t really close friends because I hardly ever see them and we do very little with one another in ways that seriously overlap our lives. Yet, I love them and trust them for no obvious reason. Once or twice a year we get together and catch up on all the small and big and good and bad and I feel truly seen. I really appreciate these people and the perspective they give my life. I’m seeing one of them tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to it. I also get to see some people in the next few weeks whom I think of as friends but who aren’t close, yet.
+ Running into my sophomore English teacher at Avenue Q and having him ask me to get together to work on curriculum. That is so incredibly validating! Yay! He is one of the teachers I liked the most through the years.
+ Almost done with all the books I need to read for 2A. This is pretty neat. I still am not sure how I want to put it all together though. One more week!
– Not sleeping well or much. This needs to change pronto.
+ Found some really cute wrap skirts on the Haight. They don’t care if I am chunky or thin. 🙂 Yay for versatility!
+ My back hurts less in the aftermath of tattooing than it used to. I’m a little stiff and sore, but really not bad.
+ Still have the best husband ever. Understanding, compassionate, fun, supportive, and totally sexy.

Mostly though, I know I’ve been whining and vague and depressed and upset and … blah for a bit now. Thank you to the people who have reached out. I notice. Thank you for the support and love. I see it and I’m grateful.

Much less distressed.

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Distressed seems to have been the word for last week. I manage to tie myself up in nasty knots when I’m worrying about what exactly might happen in dealing with people. It doesn’t help when one of the people-dealings goes about as badly as I expect. It really helps when one of the people-dealings goes so well I nearly cry in gratitute that someone understands and is compassionate about where I am coming from. I never really expect that.

Now I am enjoying lovely visits with and . Much yay.

I need more sleep though. I feel owie with not-sleeping. Soon I will feel owie from thousands of needles poking me. As if I need more pain in my life. (I really want the tattoo done though.)

Short explanation of trip.

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Because I realize that a long explanation isn’t going to happen. I had (mostly) an exceptionally good time. I loved getting to see people I haven’t seen in a long while. I had some really intense personal conversations with some of the most inspirational and fabulous women I have ever met. I enjoyed most of the drive through pretty country, eventually I did get bored though. I got to show Noah around Portland and Seattle a little which was really neat because I have always thought of them as Tom-places and now I realize that they are me-places too. That was a nice feeling. That was partially nice because it helped me step back a bit from a bit of my baggage around Noah sharing things with me he has shared with other people and that is persepctive I really need.

It was a good trip north. The only thing that was consistently a little hard was that from when Noah arrived we never had a good night’s sleep. Various things were a problem every night and that was totally suckful. Which means that by the time we got to the camping/backpacking part of the trip we were already very sore and sleep deprived. I need good, consistent, quality sleep or I am just not really a good person to be around. I know this about myself and I try very hard to ensure this need is met. I’m quite sad that it became a problem on this trip. So we hiked out about two miles (a very solid uphill the first mile then down hill the second mile) in the heat when we were already sore and uncomfortable in general. We were actually having fun talking about how each of us is the other’s favorite person to hate backpacking with ever. We camped next to a very pretty lake that night and had fun playing at camping stuff before the sun went down. But the next morning he noticed that my attitude had taken a turn for the worse mainly because my entire body hurt. We decided to just go home so we could sleep in our comfortable bed. Oh my god is this bed awesome.

And so, we came home and have been doing house work and spending lots of good quality mellow time together. Last night we went out for a ridiculously decadent evening with some of our very favorite people. It’s been a lovely little vacation.

Maybe someday I will get around to telling ya’ll about the white trash Mondavi commercial, but then again… maybe not. 🙂

Just life

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I slept for just shy of 10 hours last night. That is highly unusual for me. Normally I wake up around 7 1/2 hours. I think I am making up for the school year.

I’m reading a lot, both on the internet and actual books. It feels really nice to not be pressured or on a deadline.

My lovely husband rocks so hard. He came home from work last night and did most of the work to make dinner. Then we had a fabulous date night. I married the best perv ever! (Ok, so there are still a few skillz I would like him to develop but he is coming along nicely…) This “communication” stuff is really handy.

I’ve been talking to Tom more and feeling more comfortable about it. I still feel a bit tense when I watch him playing (I don’t spend much time doing this) but there is less tension and more happiness that he is happy. I really do love him and want him to be happy and I know that he never would have had all that he needed with me. And I really am better off with Noah so it’s a win all the way around. I think I feel so connected to him still because he was the first person to love me so much or so well and I try very hard to appreciate what people do for me. The fact that what he had to give ended up not being enough in the long run is really not his fault.

Alright, I’ll say it. Off birth control. Don’t know when anything more interesting is going to actually happen as I have no control over that. Lots of looking down and chanting “ovulate!!” I amuse me. The first two weeks I was pretty batty and all over the place emotionally but that has passed and I’m feeling generally pretty cheerful. The fact that it coincided with lots of job stress and then no job stress probably helps.

Still having a hard time believing that I am not too difficult to put up with. Noah says I’m ok, but it’s hard. I’m so scared of pushing him away and I know I am tempermental. Gah. Have to just accept that I’ll never be placid or even tempered. Suckful acceptance.

My body is being weird. I think it is mostly that I am sitting on my ass too much. I’m stiff and sore most places most of the time. I’m also a wee bit chunkier than is optimal for normal usage. (My jeans don’t really fit.) Other than that: my hair is freshly red and my jaw hurts all the time. Looks like braces are mandatory. Damnit! I really hate dental stuff.

Family stuff continues to suck. I’m thinking that I should do another six months or so without talking to any of them. My mom recently asked me to have dinner so she could give me my baby pictures because she doesn’t want them. This following on the heels of her telling me that my bio-family isn’t my family, my chosen family is along with her threatening to sue me if I publicly disclose stuff about my life… yeah. I think maybe it’s time for some non-talking. My sister doesn’t even want me to know where she lives–as in she has told her children they are not to give me their address. Awesome. Jimmy still doesn’t want to speak to me and may never again. My aunt doesn’t believe me about the stuff that has been happening because she has never heard about it before from anyone else. Yeah. Just… yeah. That’s ok. I have a Mom who wants to be part of my life. I have a Dad and a Daddy both of whom love me and dote on me and give me the kind of support I need. I have people all over the country who love me and support me. I suppose my mother is right. I do have a family and she isn’t part of it.

Computer woes continue. At least this time I managed to back everything up. Heh. Still thinking about buying an Apple instead of a PC. Luckily, I have my work computer to use over the summer so it isn’t mandatory yet.

Given the impending kidlet situation, having two vehicles that don’t place one of us at serious risk of injury daily is a mandatory situation. I’ve been looking around and I’m pretty sure I want a Mazda 5. (The Prius was supposed to be Noah’s car from the start…) I have wanted an Element for years, but seeing as there could be three booster seats in our future, a four seater vehicle is just not an option. *sigh* There goes that dream. Is ok. Babies are more interesting than a vehicle I can clean with a hose. 🙂 It’s going to be a bit more expensive than we were hoping for, but it will be doable.

My student loan debt will be gone before school starts again. We will have just the mortgage in debt and that is such a nice feeling.

Kids are scheduled to come paint the house when I get back from the honeymoon. I’m actually looking forward to it. 🙂

I leave on Monday to see my friends and Noah is joining me on Thursday. We are going to be backpacking for a week. I’m so excited!

Life… life is not completely 100% perfect, but life is good.

Just cause

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One might ask me, if one cared, “So, what have you been up to on your first day of summer vacation?” I would answer in a guilty tone of voice: “Well… I managed to find homeowners insurance, and deal with student loan stuff but really… mostly what I did was masturbate and read www.stripteasecomic.com”.

It was a rather stellar day all the way around. 🙂 [Oh–the comic isn’t masturbation material. It’s entirely work safe and funnier than hell.]

Irony

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In the rock/paper/scissors game of life cranberry juice beats laptop. Just sayin.

This is ironic because I want to ask the geeks to geek in front of me for a few minutes. I need a new laptop and I am pretty certain that I should make the jump to Apple because most of you are obsessed with Apple and I would be able to grunt and say, “Fix it!!!” to more people. This is a very appealing benefit to having an Apple over a PC.

As far as features go: I use word, excel, intarweb, chat, powerpoint, itunes, and I like to play with pictures in a very non-professional sort of way. I would also kind of like to have garageband as well because I am still interested in sitting down and playing with the podcast stuff more I just haven’t made time in the past few months. I hear I need iWork so that I can have Pages.

My question: what level of computer should I shoot for? What should I think to ask for? I have a friend at Apple who is looking into some bits of it for me but more generalized advice is darn handy.

The really interesting bit about this is that in the trying to save it process I called Tom for help. I went to his new place and we spent a couple hours trying to rescue it. I had forgotten how very much I enjoy working on projects with him. I love his casual assumptions of my competence. I love that he just hands me things to do knowing that I am smart and able to figure out weird bits. We figured out how to work together so well over the years and it was really awesome to just fall back into that without trying. I’m still happier with Noah overall, but that reminded me of something I would like to work towards with Noah. The two of us tend to butt heads more and question one another more because we don’t have a solid understanding of our mutual levels of knowledge yet. I say more time and experience must be had. 🙂

Apathy.

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I’ve never been good at transitions. I get impatient and want to be in the next stage already. The last few weeks of school are being brutal. I’m tired of having to go to bed at 8 so I can get a reasonable amount of sleep. I’m tired of not having much of a social life. I’m tired of getting up every day fussy about having to go deal with even fussier teenagers. It isn’t that I now hate my job, I’m just ready for vacation. I think this would be slightly better if I didn’t spend so much time on weekends working. But that isn’t to be. *beat head against wall*

School is over in 15 more days (including weekends). I have decided to bail on working graduation because I would be hostile the entire time.

Buttons, buttons, who can press my buttons?

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Ok, so the icon looks like this will be sexy. It won’t be. I just like the blindfold image.

Processing. I am so sick of processing I could scream. I feel like I am drowning in all the shit from my life. I’m not sure if writing about it is helping or hurting, but I know I need to do it. Things have blown up with my mother again. I think that it may be a long time before I hear from her again. She is coming up in June for my nephew’s high school graduation (which I wasn’t told about) and she said she wants to see my house. I’m not sure that is a good idea. I don’t think I want her to see where I live. I don’t think I want to have pictures in my head of her in my space. I’m so weird about “energy”. Sorry mom–I need to tell.

Noah got home last night. I’m not handling talking about his trip very well. There are things about the trip that upset me just because they upset me and there are things about the trip that upset me because they are shadows of the past. I am not really reacting to now and this problem, I am reacting to years of shit with my family. I am not now nor will I ever be part of Noah’s family, just like I have never really been part of my mother’s extended family or my father’s extended family, or really even my nuclear family. I am too much or too bad or too intense or too wrong or… too something. I feel so broken and defective, like there is nothing in me that is worthwhile. I don’t really believe that it is true, but I’m terrified that it is.

I’ve had problems with Stephen’s family and Tom’s family and Puppy’s family so I feel like the problems with Noah’s family really are my fault. Ok, so maybe the problems are all my fault because they seem to be following me around. They were different problems with each family though. I don’t know. Guilt doesn’t seem to need rationality.

And I keep wondering, given how toxic I seem to be–do I really have the right to bear a child? We are supposed to start trying so soon. I don’t feel like I really know if I should or not. Being broken sucks.

State of the meh.

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Julia rocks in so many ways. But way high up on the list: she ties me up AND she helps me do yard work. What more could one ask of a girl? Dude. Much rocking.

Today I have: done massive yardwork (including trimming the rose bushes), been to Costco to begin the arduous task of restocking a deep freeze, and had a shitty conversation with my mother. Happy fucking Mothers Day, bitch. I’m so sorry that I am not willing to keep my mouth shut to assuage your guilt. And it must be terribly convenient to be able to forget the horrible things you have said, but I am not so able to forget.

Today I should do: more reading quizzes. I’m having a lot of trouble finding the motivation.

Noah didn’t call today and the phone call yesterday was not all that I could have hoped for. I feel so very lonely.

This weekend has been weird in general. Lots of talking to ex’s…

Much yay

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Today I get to go in three hours late without having to bend the rules because I am an honest and straightforward person. So screw you to all of my dishonest colleagues. (Rant maybe forthcoming on that one.)

This morning I got all of the prep work done for the next few days that has been making me nervous. Sweet.

Today, I checked the bank account and saw what would have been once upon a time a staggering amount of money. At this point it isn’t staggering, but it is certainly plenty so that my darling husband could be out of work for months before I would worry even one iota about him finding a job. My salary is enough to keep us afloat and we have a beautiful cushion for just about any “just in case.” Oh, and the only debt we have left is the mortgage and my student loans due to me masterfully managing our money and paying off a rather large amount of debt in the past six months. Go me.

Yesterday I got to see my lovely Sarah, though only briefly, and she presented me with the baby clothes she has acquired so far. The fact that I am not the only one joyfully anticipating me getting pregnant lets me feel a sense of family and attachment I wouldn’t have believed I would get. Thank you Sarah; thank you for being my family. Eight more weeks until I stop taking birth control. The days are flying by…

Including today I have 31 more days of educational opportunity remaining with my kidlets. But that includes finals and weird schedules and I don’t see any of the individual classes that many times. Really I only have 22 more days with each individual class. Eeeek! Must get through this book! But I have a good solid unit plan in front of me and I am confident that I will get through it and my babies will do well.

Life is really good.

It’s bad.

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Some people are aware that I have back problems, but I generally try not to whine too much about the situation. Today I don’t want to whine, I want to lie on the floor and sob. It hurts. It hurts so much I keep seeing flashes of white light through my field of vision. I keep having low level spasms. My kids don’t really seem to notice and that is for the best.

But I notice. And I’m taking enough Ibuprofen to make my stomach hurt. Tonight, Vicodin even though it will make me want to throw up. That feeling is better than this pain.

exhausted, but cheerful

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This weekend has been very very good. I have seen lots of fabulous friends. I went and saw the Wet Spots in concert (Hey Tim! Their website is www.wetspotsmusic.com ) and had a smashing good time after getting drunk on margaritas with friends. I have gotten to snuggle my baby. I taught a self-bondage class and it went very well. The pacing was just about perfect (go me) and I cautioned everyone to never put anything around their neck so that a certain someone in the scene won’t bite my head off. I got to grab A’s boobs, which will make any weekend ideal. Therapy was good and it has been agreed that I will no longer go every week, thus saving my back some wear and tear. It’ll be great.

Yeah, wonderful weekend. I wonder what I am going to teach tomorrow…

Change {meme-ish}

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tshuma posted this : Somewhat paraphrased – You’re given the chance to live your life over, with your current personality and mind. You can go back to any part of your life and start over.

To narrow down the reasons a bit and clarify: you have your current personality and knowledge of your current life history, but not the world’s. You can change events of your life by avoiding a car crash that crippled you, but you don’t know about assassinations or the events of September 11. You don’t know to invest in Microsquish stock at its IPO and you can’t test out of high school at the age of six. On the plus side, Star Wars in the theater will still be an awesome experience.

Given how I have been feeling lately, this is an interesting question. Given what I know now, I would have stayed with Aunt Vonnie and Uncle Bob starting from the first time I was sent to live with them when I was 6. I would have avoided my father like the plague. If I had stayed with Auntie then I couldn’t have been blamed for Tommy’s accident, though I bet it would have happened anyway. I wouldn’t have been seriously molested. I wouldn’t have been raped. I wouldn’t have the same severe abandonment issues from my mother pushing me around to dozens of different people. I wouldn’t have gone to 25 schools before graduating from high school.

There would have been other issues, and I know that–but I would have been better off. Staying with them would have changed almost everything that really hurt me. I would have found other things to get hurt by, but I have to wonder if they would have been as shattering. We lived up in the mountains in a sheltered place. It’s kind of weird wondering what I would be like if I had been sheltered from bad stuff. Would I be so strong? Would I be able to stand up against things that are wrong? I don’t know. I suspect so, but that’s a coulda shoulda woulda.

But it doesn’t matter what I would like to have changed. Cause this is where I am. And I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces. I’m glad I have Noah. He makes it a whole lot easier.