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Inspiration?

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My blogging has gotten particularly boring lately and I’m aware of that. So, if you would like to have something more interesting to read, here is your chance. Stolen from my Sarah.

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don’t blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don’t blog about, but you’d like to hear about, and I’ll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on Orlando Boston drivers, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques literary criticism, what I actually studied in school, teaching, etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

Comments screened, posts might be filtered – possibly just to the person who asked the question, if it’s touchy enough. We’ll see. (Though I’m usually not that sensitive and people basically never ask me questions that violate my sense of appropriate.)

I am not too into the rest of the meme,

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but this question interests me: If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

I would. I am quite the control freak. I would like to have everything in my life arranged so that the people around me would suffer as little as possible from my passing. I would get all of the people I love to come spend time with me in the week or so before the time. I would be less afraid to do “dangerous” things in advance. I would love to be able to know how important it was to show people that I loved them constantly. The problem with not knowing when you will die is that you put things off until “later.” Knowing would change that.

First question

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“My question is about your views on Home Schooling vs. Group Schooling. Why did you make your choice to educate in the home? Was this informed by your being a part of the Public School system?”

I have actually been pretty determined to home school as long as I have known I wanted to have children. So this choice predates my teaching experience. I formed my opinions largely as a result of my own experiences in school. I moved around a lot so I never really settled into one school system enough to “go with the flow”. I was always either ahead or behind everywhere I went. I got to see how many other people handled school though. I was always shocked by the people who were never given any individual attention by teachers–kids who weren’t stupid, but needed help. I watched the smart kids get bored. I watched the whole class get derailed by the behavior problems of one or two kids and no learning was allowed to happen. This always offended me on a deep level. I always felt *pissed off* when kids would disrupt the class so that I couldn’t learn. And there was nothing the education system was able to do to fix the problem.

As I grew up and talked to adults about how school worked for them when they were younger I have grown more and more appalled that the ‘smart kids’ just sort of floated through without ever being seriously challenged while the ‘dumb kids’ were never helped enough to allow them to really catch up. What is the point of spending 13 years in a classroom where your needs are never specifically addressed? I’m a damn smart cookie. I’m more than capable of teaching everything that a kid will see up through about 9th/10th grade. I can also do this in a way that is tailored to the needs of my kids so they can either move faster or slower *according to how they learn*. We can spend more time on projects. We can do more cross-curriculum focus. Once they start getting into the highest levels of math and science I am going to struggle, but luckily I believe in asking for help when you need it. Noah can cover any math we need and there is nothing wrong with starting to take classes at a JC at 13/14 if they really want to push into harder science than I can handle.

Then I became a teacher and was repeatedly told to keep pushing through curriculum no matter if I was really serving my students or not. The overwhelming anger I felt at knowing that I was becoming part of the problem is something that I can’t forget. It’s why I made kids come in after school if they weren’t getting stuff. It isn’t possible for me to spend individual time in class with 30 different kids. I don’t think teachers are awful for this–I know it isn’t physically possible. I blame the system. And instead of looking at my kids and trying to figure out who to blame for the gaps in their education I am going to step out of the game and say that the buck stops here. *I* will be the responsible party. I’m good with that.

Cause I feel like it.

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Despite my reputation for embracing confrontation, I am sometimes a wimp.

1. I’m mad at you. I’m not mad at you because your statement was completely wrong, because it isn’t completely wrong. I’m mad because it feels manifestly unfair of you to throw that rock while sitting in a glass house when I don’t want to hurt *your* feelings.
2. Thank you for thanking me. It was really nice to be validated.
3. I want to call and I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to rebuild this bridge. I suck. I’m sorry.
4. Maybe it’s time to move on? Are you really being served by what is happening in your life?
5. I wish you would stop pretending you were my friend. That way I could let go of hope that you will be. You don’t act like my friend. Continuing to hope hurts a lot.
6. I find it odd that you pay so much attention to him still. What would you like to get out of your random public statements that are clearly directed at him?
7. I’m proud of you. You’ve worked so hard to fight these demons. It’s a big deal. You are wonderful.
8. Sometimes I get very frustrated with you. Don’t take it overly personally, I get very frustrated with the whole world. 🙂
9. I wish you would call more. I miss you and it bothers me that you don’t respond to me trying to contact you.
10. It’s been good to talk to you. It’s sad that it has taken so long and that I am leaving so soon.

{dirty} naughty meme

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1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Noah probably hopes the answer is yes. 🙂 But other than him the answer is still yes.

2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
Yes. Although morning and afternoon tend to go better than night.

3. On which side of the bed do you sleep?
Where’s the bathroom? (Usually on the left though.)

4. Pork, beef, or chicken?
Mostly chicken, but I like beef and ham. Mmmm ham.

5. Ever have to pull over on side of road to puke?
Yup. I’m a puker.

6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Nope.

7. Shower or bath?
I hate showers and love baths, but showers are a sad part of modern life.

8. Do you pee in the shower?
Yes. (But not in the bath.)

9. Mexican or Chinese?
Depends on the day, but usually Chinese.

10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Aggressive, aggressive, aggressive. Meow. Please please please make me do what you want me to do. 🙂

11. Do you love someone on your friends list?
Of course.

12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
Mostly. There are some g-bloggers and people I haven’t met yet.

13. Love or money?
I need enough money to feel safe, but I go for love in general.

14. Credit cards or cash?
Credit cards–yay free Amazon books! (Pay it off every month.)

15. Has/Is there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn’t?
Ha. Duh.

16. Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel?
Depends on when. I like both a lot. Though I’m moving in the 5 star hotel direction more. Noah has spoiled me.

17. What is the weirdest place you have had sex?
Plane bathroom? The field next to my boyfriend’s step-sister’s wedding? The rest stop on the side of I-5 with people all over? In front of hundreds of people at a bdsm convention? Hard to judge.

18. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money?
I probably would. But Noah would demand that it be a LOT of money.

19. Have you ever been to a strip club?
I actually like them a lot. 🙂

20. Ever been to a bar?
Yup

21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?
No.

22. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?
No.

23. Kissed someone of the same sex?
Mmmm girls.

24. Favorite drink?
Orange juice! Oh, it probably mean alcohol. Hmmmm. Really good port.

25. Had sex in a movie theater?
Not actual penetrative sex, but lots of fingering and hand jobs and oral. If you count drive-ins then hell yes.

26. Had sex in a bathroom?
Yes

27. Have you ever had sex at work?
Not at my work. I kind of feel like Noah and I should drive down to the school and change this today before I hand in my keys. I have had sex at other people’s work.

28. Have you ever been in an adult store?
yes

29. Bought something from an adult store?
yes

30. Have you been caught having sex?
I don’t think I have ever been “caught” in the sense people think of. I have certainly had people be aware and ignore.

31. Does anyone have naughty pics of you?
Yes.

32. Have you ever called someone the wrong name during sex?
I really don’t think I have. I feel bad enough calling someone the wrong name during conversation.

33. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
*shrug* If they want to they will. Not about guts.

Stolen from my Sarah

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I know very little about some of the people on my friends list. Some people I know relatively well. I read your journals, or we have something else in common, and we chat occasionally. Some of you I hardly know at all. Perhaps you lurk, for whatever reason. But you friended me, and I thank you for your interest in my words.

But here’s a thought: why not take this opportunity to tell me a little something about yourself. Any old thing at all. Just so the next time I see your name I can say: “Ah, there’s so and so…they enjoy the savory aroma of monkey brains a la mode.”

I’d love it if every single person who friended me would do this. Yes, even you people who I know really well. Then, if you like, post this in your own journal and see what gems of knowledge appear.

Well that figures.

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Did that career builder thing. (www.careercruising.com – login: nycareers; password: landmark)

There are very specific reasons I *don’t* want the top 5 careers. I find that funny. And there is no way I could work in physical training of any kind. Just because I like to move around and not sit in a desk != being in shape.

1.Principal
2.Special Education Teacher
3.Elementary School Teacher
4.Child and Youth Worker
5.Teacher Assistant
6.High School Teacher
7.Probation / Parole Officer
8.Fitness Instructor
9.Curator
10.Funeral Director
11.Coach
12.Early Childhood Educator
13.Social Worker
14.Anthropologist
15.Personal Trainer
16.Professor
17.Career Counselor
18.Adoption Counselor
19.Addictions Counselor
20.Clergy

Being generous.

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Pay It Forward : I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment here on my LJ. I don’t know what that gift will be yet, but you will receive it within 365 days of this post.

The only thing you have to do in return is “pay it forward” by making a similar agreement on your blog.

P.S. if you have already posted this Meme in your blog than you have to choose the next 3 people who responded to your original post and send them a handmade gift too. 😛

There is always another side to the story.

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Still no pats on the head.

1. You are a fuck up, but you are my fuckup. I love you.
2. I wish you could talk about the things that broke you. I really believe you would come out stronger on the other side of that conversation.
3. Shiny isn’t everything. Maybe you would be better off figuring out how to fix what you have rather than going out trying to find something shinier. You are more loved than you know.
4. I wish you would stop being obsessed with appearances. Your life would be better if you focused on the things that matter. There are things that matter in your life–don’t lose out on them.
5. If you don’t like your life, change it. You have that power. You are stronger than you know.
6. You are wonderfully kind and I admire you. I don’t really want to be like you, but I admire you.
7. You are smart, talented, capable, and generally amazing. I wish life would stop stomping you into the ground.
8. I think about what might have been and I don’t know if I am happy or sad. Maybe you deserve happiness more than I do. Maybe it wouldn’t have made you happy. I do hope that you find your joy.
9. Please, please get a different job. Don’t you see that this one isn’t making you happy and never will? Isn’t your happiness worth some extra effort now and then?
10. I’m glad I chose you. For all the frustration you bring into my life, you bring great joy and love as well. Thank you.

Maybe it’s you.

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I liked the meme that was “10 things you want to say to people”. I’m not going to pat anyone on the head and say, “Oh honey, of course I don’t mean you” so don’t bother asking for it.

1. Fuck you.
2. I find it particularly hypocritical that you allow me to be in a position you don’t want to be in yourself. Grow a fucking backbone.
3. Wow, you are so being used. I hope the sex is worth it.
4. Grow up. No really, grow up. It’s past fucking time you stop acting like a child.
5. Being prepared isn’t some magical occurance that just happens to some people. You need to take responsibility for yourself and actually get your shit done.
6. I hate you. I would feel kind of guilty for it, but I would cheerfully dance on your fucking grave you stupid piece of shit.
7. Quite whining about the situations you get yourself into over and over and over again. No one wants to hear it. You would be amazed at who all talks shit about you behind your back.
8. Stop patronizing me you fucker. And don’t correct my pronunciation when I am in a bad mood, dick.
9. Don’t ask him to touch you again. He isn’t yours. Ask your own boy to touch you.
10. I’m tired of being nice to you. Why the fuck can’t you do something well and truly deserving of me hating you so that I can stop feeling guilty for it.

Too much time on my hands.

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Your Ultimate Purity Test 2.0 Score Is…
Your Score: Average For All Users Average For All Sluttily Opportunistic Human Liberal Married Pink-Skinned 22 to 28-Year old Females
(17 total)
Dating 0% 34.26% 11.99% Gone steady
Self-Lovin’ 10.61% 61.19% 34.58% I wouldn’t shake hands, if I were you
Shamelessness 24.19% 77.52% 43.26% For Christ’s sake, put your clothes on!
Sex Drive 21.43% 75.21% 42.44% Humps fire hydrants when nobody’s looking
Straightness 0% 39.6% 4.9% Knows the other body type like a map
Gayness 0% 78.46% 25.6% Makes Dr. Frank-n-Furter look tame
Dominant 16.67% 86.92% 60.49% Master of everyone’s domain
Submissive 9.52% 87.29% 55.18% Feels uncomfortable without manacles on
Fucking Sick 44.9% 89.98% 67.53% Don’t look in the basement
Total Score 17.49% 73.96% 42.83%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test 2.0
and see how you match up!

(By The Ferrett)

Meme! (Sorry Jason)

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I did this meme uhm, almost a month ago and I’m just living up to my end of it. Here you go!

Make a comment in this entry. I’ll go to your profile, pick 3 userpics and interests, and then you explain them in your journal. Include this text or not.

I don’t know what order I added them so uhm… explanations in a bunch.
The picture showing the teacher with “Lesson One” cracks me up. I found it in a teaching community.

The one showing the path through the trees is a picture I took while backpacking in Alaska. That was the dry creekbed super highway and it made my life soooooo much better for a while there. 🙂 I think the picture turned out neat too.

The one of Ted looking out the window was also taken in Alaska in the crappiest hotel I have ever stayed in. But Ted enjoyed the view of the parking lot next to the bowling alley. 🙂

I was asked about these interests: the power of yay!, the stepstool, this year I’m pretty

The power of yay! I stole from friends because we are all very happy about the yays and I’m interested in there being more yay in the world! The stepstool was a prop used at a party I was at where fun stuff happened. 🙂 Those of us who were at the party get it. No one else would. Lastly I stole this year I am pretty from a friend. A boy I met through dancing likes to say, “Every day I have a choice. I can be smart! Or I can be pretty! Today, I’m pretty!” I have changed that to indicate that I’m just not smart–ever. I don’t take it that seriously but it’s funny anyhow. 🙂

44 answers to 44 nosy questions (stolen from malixe)

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Cause I have nothing better to do.

1.Height?
5′ 5 1/2″ and it’s an important 1/2.

2.Have you ever smoked heroin?
No

3.Do you own a gun?
No and I feel somewhat conflicted about this. I am so rabidly pro-gun rights yet I’m nearly phobic about them. It’s weird being me.

4.What is your favorite car?
Honda Element. I want one a lot, but due to a few practicality reasons we bought a hybrid first and now it looks like I am not going to get one. I guess that is just how life goes–right? You can’t get everything you want.

5.Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Yes. Panic attack central.

6.What do you think of hot dogs?
I’ve never been a big fan and yet, every so often I want one. Usually covered with chili.

7.What’s your favorite Christmas song?
I’m strangely traditional on this one–Silent Night. It is just so beautiful to me.

8.What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
OJ

9.Can you do push ups?
Sorta, not really.

10.Is your bathroom clean?
*sigh* Not really and it won’t be during the school year.

11.What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
I like my rings a great deal. I have always worn rings more than any other jewelry despite the fact that I don’t want to draw attention to my hands because I think I have ugly fingernails.

12.Do you like painkillers?
I loves me my vitamin I.

13.What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
If you can make someone feel important and interesting, they are generally up for most things you want them to do. I’m very good at making people feel that way.

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
Not even close.

15.Middle Name?
Lenora

16.Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
Don’t wanna go to work, don’t wanna see anyone but Noah, don’t wanna be so tired.

17. Name the last 3 things you have bought:
Food has been the last three things but for the sake of playing along–gas, an hour of my therapist’s time, can’t think of anything other than food. I’m very food focused.

18. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
Water, juice-I rotate between apple, orange, grape, pineapple, and cranberry, .

19. Current worry?
Is having a housemate a good plan?

20. Current hate?
Uhhh dinno. Probably this kid in 2nd period. I hate him.

21. Favorite place to be?
Wherever Noah is.

22. Where would you like to go?
I’m going to Portland this summer (hopefully Seattle to because I think at least one or two people there want to see me) and that’s the extent of where I want to go for a while.

23. Do you own slippers?
Blue and white fuzzy ones.

24. What shirt are you wearing?
A really neat button up that looks like a pinstripe version of a tux shirt with vertical ruffles. I like it.

25. Do you burn or tan?
Burn baby burn.

26. Favorite color(s)?
Pink and black.

27. Would you be a pirate?
Probably not. I’m too devoted to “doing what’s right” for that kind of thing.

28. What songs do you sing in the shower?
“Oh! I wish I was a little bar of soap!” and “No One Needs to Know” by Shania Twain both make frequent appearances, lately “Stand” by Rascal Flatts.

29. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Tommy

30. Last thing that made you laugh?
One of my kids. I spend a lot of time laughing at/with them. 🙂

31. Best bed sheets as a child?
No clue–this is a weird question.

32. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
I think I would have to say having half of my face ripped off by a pit bull. Yeah…. that takes the cake for me.

33. How many TVs do you have in your house?
One, and its days are numbered.

34. Who is your loudest friend?
Anna. Holy crap does that girl project.

What happened to 35?
I think I misplaced that one, but 36 was pretty great! (As copied from malixe cause I am too lazy to change it.)

36. Who is your most silent friend?
Most of my friends do the wall flower thing at least occasionally. I’m having trouble picking one, but maybe my coworker Josh. He talks so softly I usually can’t hear him and he doesn’t say that much. Amusingly, what he does say is generally totally freakin random.

37. Does someone have a crush on you?
Given the Valentine’s Day board messages I would say yes. But I don’t think that anyone who really knows me much has a crush so I would say “not that affects me”.

38.Do you wish on shooting stars?
Yes

39. What is your favorite book?
I have three favorites: Paint the Wind, Fortune is a Woman, and Walk in My Soul.

40. What is your favorite candy?
Milka

41. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
Apparently I didn’t want one played at my wedding. 🙂

42. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I don’t know how people will want to remember me. I hope at least somewhat fondly.

43. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Sleeping

44. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I wonder if Noah is awake. We tend to wake up together every day.

Change {meme-ish}

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tshuma posted this : Somewhat paraphrased – You’re given the chance to live your life over, with your current personality and mind. You can go back to any part of your life and start over.

To narrow down the reasons a bit and clarify: you have your current personality and knowledge of your current life history, but not the world’s. You can change events of your life by avoiding a car crash that crippled you, but you don’t know about assassinations or the events of September 11. You don’t know to invest in Microsquish stock at its IPO and you can’t test out of high school at the age of six. On the plus side, Star Wars in the theater will still be an awesome experience.

Given how I have been feeling lately, this is an interesting question. Given what I know now, I would have stayed with Aunt Vonnie and Uncle Bob starting from the first time I was sent to live with them when I was 6. I would have avoided my father like the plague. If I had stayed with Auntie then I couldn’t have been blamed for Tommy’s accident, though I bet it would have happened anyway. I wouldn’t have been seriously molested. I wouldn’t have been raped. I wouldn’t have the same severe abandonment issues from my mother pushing me around to dozens of different people. I wouldn’t have gone to 25 schools before graduating from high school.

There would have been other issues, and I know that–but I would have been better off. Staying with them would have changed almost everything that really hurt me. I would have found other things to get hurt by, but I have to wonder if they would have been as shattering. We lived up in the mountains in a sheltered place. It’s kind of weird wondering what I would be like if I had been sheltered from bad stuff. Would I be so strong? Would I be able to stand up against things that are wrong? I don’t know. I suspect so, but that’s a coulda shoulda woulda.

But it doesn’t matter what I would like to have changed. Cause this is where I am. And I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces. I’m glad I have Noah. He makes it a whole lot easier.