Tag Archives: noah

Talked to Noah lots.

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See, this is why I married him. We spent hours and hours talking last night. We went through all of the things that are bothering me, all of the myriad of ways that I’m upset/nervous/insecure. It was really good. He listened when I was ranting and gave me constructive feedback when I calmed down. We talked more specifically about why this is happening. It took coming up with some silly examples before I could get him to understand what this feels like. He’s a big foodie. I asked him how he would feel if I went up to The French Laundry with someone else and left him at home. He said that would upset him a lot. Ok, now you have some idea of how I feel. It’s not really as bad as all that but this is really hard. I feel like if I can get through this to the other side things will be ok. Let me rephrase: things will be ok when I get through this. No doubt in there. It’s like freaking out about getting blood drawn. It’s not my idea of a good time but afterward there won’t be a problem anymore.

Why do relationships have to be so complicated?

Fucking sucks.

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In general I don’t make posts that Noah can’t see. This is one of those times though. I feel like I’m going to puke. I’m so angsty and upset and freaked out. Noah has a date on Friday. When we originally started negotiating this it was stated as a “play date” and I come from the bdsm community where that frequently doesn’t include sex–that is my base assumption. But they are negotiating whether or not to use barriers on oral sex and he plans to fuck her.

I am so freaking out. My stomach is a ball of knots and I want to vomit. I hate this feeling. It doesn’t help that Shanna is having a hard day and I’m having a terrible time being patient with her. I was very open to the idea of playing but it snowballed so fast. We were supposed to have sex last night (yes we schedule these things) but I just couldn’t do it. The idea that he is anticipating and planning sex with someone else made me feel really revolted by the idea of him touching me. I don’t know how I am going to manage to have sex with him on Saturday at a play party when we’ve scheduled that.

This is so hard for me. I feel so completely inadequate and pathetic.

I’m doing at least some processing with him but it feels like a full dose of it wouldn’t be fair. This is the result of a lot of negotiation because it really sucks that he has to compromise on his needs so much.

But god I don’t have patience for Shanna right now and she’s been crying all day. AHHHHHHHHHH

Benefits

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I think one of the most significant benefits of being married to Noah is just how enthusiastic he is about my looks/body. My friend Marcie took some pictures of Shanna and I recently and I was actually pretty surprised by how big I am. I don’t feel that big, but I guess I am. They are really cute pictures and I don’t think I look bad I just look heavy. No wonder I’m getting asked so often if I’m pregnant. 😀 I expressed to Noah my surprise at how heavy I look and he said, “Mmmmm. Yeah, you are totally hot.”

If I were really concerned about being thin he would be the worst person to be married to. I’m not that fussed though so he’s just awesome.

Six things

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First: I am a good wife. I told Noah to go game because he hasn’t been able to much and he’s really stressed out and overburdened at work.

Second: I still haven’t heard about the comp exam. I took the test 25 days ago. I have been patient. Now I’m starting to freak out.

Third: I bought a nasal irrigation thingy. Hopefully this will allow me to resume my normal course of breathing.

Fourth: New diapers arrived! I am nerdy enough to find this very exciting.

Fifth: Family support today over the fact that both my sister and mother are over-the-top crazy. I appreciate the validation there.

Sixth: In other family news, looks like my sister is dealing again. But of course it would be my fault if she went to jail.

More erf

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I woke up at six and can’t get back to sleep. Too much going on in my brain. Physically I’m kind of off and I can’t figure out exactly what is wrong. I’m obsessing about all the deaths that have happened in the last year and some. I feel very anxious about life. The comp exam is in 18 days. I should probably review poetry. *sigh*

I can’t get driving directions online to the place we are going in Oklahoma. All the mapping software basically knows that the road exists but that’s it. Awesome. I have to wait until a more sane hour then call them. I’m sure there are tiny little motels in the town we are going to, but there is zero online presence for any hotel there. I lived in this town for a little while as a kid. I remember feeling very superior because I was from the big city. Now I find it almost charming in a severely inconvenient sort of way.

I still haven’t decided if I am going to deal with dragging the carseat around in the airports and gate checking it or if I am ok with actually checking it. I’ve heard some horror stories about baggage handlers destroying carseats. They are somewhat delicate and if you throw them too hard they are no longer useful in a crash. And they are so fucking expensive. But I’m not going to have much in the way of help. *sigh*

They don’t sell good travel potties that fit over elongated toilet bowls. Fuckers. You’d think that this would be a reasonable thing to have given that almost all public toilets are elongated. Shanna does not appreciate sitting precariously on a grown up toilet while being held up. It makes the whole pottying experience much more stressful. I think I’m going to bring her potty and disposable anti-bacterial wipes for cleaning it out. Not my first choice, but better than not being able to potty her. At this point I’m only having a couple of misses a day and I don’t really want to back slide a lot. I think it is funny that by volume more than half of what I am bringing on this trip is diapers. People still ask me when I am going to switch to disposables (not for traveling–just in general) because “Aren’t you sick of washing diapers?” The washing really doesn’t phase me in the slightest. However I was really really really tempted to not deal with lugging the volume on this trip.

You people don’t post on lj enough. I tell you all about my life, where is the reciprocal reading material? 😛 (Essaying–you do well. 😀 And I have no complaints about Rbus.)

My house isn’t clean and I’m trying very hard not to care. It’s a struggle though. I will never again buy black furniture. Being able to see dust 15 minutes after dusting makes me feel like I am the worst, most terrible housekeeper ever in the history of the world. I really don’t need that guilt.

I had a good time at the museum on Sunday. It was nice to see people and play with kidlets. 🙂 Shanna is still not quite to the interacting large scale stage. It’s all about her. 🙂 It’s very cute.

It’s hard balancing things with Noah right now. His job is sucking the life out of him. I am trying as much as I can to be supportive and not demand much of him. I was doing ok for a while. Then I hit an emotional wall and started feeling really upset and crummmy and needing a lot more from him. I’m largely still not pestering him with those needs. He doesn’t have much extra right now. So I’m spending a lot of time crying. It’s interesting how I know this isn’t depression–it doesn’t feel that way. I’m grieving. I’m sad. It feels pretty lonely to feel like this and spend so much time alone. Shanna doesn’t count as a person in this way because she is pretty much a bottomless pit of need with not much to give. I’m ok with that–that is what she is supposed to be. But I’m having a hard time. I’m pretty sure my grieving isn’t impacting her negatively. She seems to be still very healthy and happy and delighted by life.

Oh, and she’s teething again. The diaper rash appeared instantly and is fierce. I don’t entirely understand how she can get diaper rash like that when she is barely wetting diapers at all and she never sits in pee. Babies are a mystery. Good thing they are a cute mystery. She has been asleep for more than 11 hours. This is very very good because it is going to be a long day of traveling and her naps are going to be disrupted. I’m nervous about traveling with her by myself but I’ll manage.

Wow that’s a lot of whining. And she slept through me writing it. w00t.

One of the many benefits of my husband.

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He’s perfectly happy to pretend that he cares about something trivial and he fakes empathy really well. This means that when I say, “I want you to express an opinion about this” he will come up with something and usually something that more or less agrees with my preferences. Well, when I’m asking about something that he doesn’t actually care about. If he cares then he doesn’t always agree with me. But I can drag him to the pattern store and tell him he gets to help me pick out a pattern and he will actually do it! Isn’t that great?! 🙂

A very good day.

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Today I made four batches of Cinnamon rolls. This was after a fudge on the first attempt when the dough wouldn’t rise. Bother. I also made and put in the fridge: molasses crinkle dough, sugar cookie dough, and refrigerator cookies.

I went through nearly 10 lbs of flour and like 3 lbs of sugar. I need to go buy more flour before I can make more cookies. 🙂

This is so much more fun that studying for the comp exam. 🙂 I asked Noah for a laptop-free day and he was awesome about it. He read me some Peter Beagle stuff for a while and he spent some time reading The Moral Animal and talking to me about it. We also MST3K’ed a few Christmas movies. It’s really been a wonderful day. 🙂

And now my darling little boobie monster is falling asleep while eating. I’ve been impressed by her overall good nature today as I’ve spent very little time with her.

Appreciation

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I appreciate that I have a brilliant husband who pays a tremendous amount of attention to me without assigning negative judgment to what he sees. He can help me figure out my motivations because he doesn’t hand me any of his own baggage in the conversation. There are no sly innuendos in the conversations.

He knows me better than anyone in the world ever has or ever will. Yet he doesn’t give me advice until I ask for it because he respects me. Can anything get better than that?

{dirtier} Well hot damn

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From the filter label savvy readers will assume this is about my sex life. They would be right. Which is to say: holy crap I have a sex life again.

So, who was wondering how long it would take us to resume having sex? I was. We sorta tried a week ago and it was a resoundingly unsuccessful attempt. It hurt so bad it made me cry and Shanna woke up screaming just a couple of minutes into it. So I don’t count that.

Which means that it took us four weeks. Things are not completely back to normal in that department, but given that I’ve been thinking about it and Noah has been exceptionally patient I figured it was time to get back on that particular horse. I would say we took it slow, but we didn’t. Heh. We don’t have time for slow, leisurely love making at this point. Shanna’s sleep schedule is still very unpredictable. I did manage to get her to sleep lying on her own. I did it by breaking one of those rules they hand down from on high about parenting: Thou Shalt Not Lie Thy Baby On Her Stomach To Sleep. But but… she won’t go to sleep on her back! So fuck ’em. She’s sleeping great on her tummy right now and they (whoever ‘they’ are) can kiss my ass.

I’m rambling. Sex! It happened! It required periodic renegotiations mid-way, things like “Pull out, I need more lube” “Oh my god stop putting so my pressure on my perineum” and “I can’t bend that way right now”. I call that a roaring success. I came; he came. That was the goal and so despite it not being the most earth shattering of sex it’s a beginning. w00t.

Reason # 4384953 Noah is the best husband ever

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So today we had a weird interaction in the morning. I wasn’t sure what caused it. But I felt like it was hostile. So after I did my withdraw/pissy thing I thought about it and couldn’t figure out what caused it. So I asked.

My wonderful husband then proceeded to explain what he interpreted about my actions and tone of voice and I did the same about his. We were both reacting to unintended slights and misunderstood tones. We apologized for our respective halves of the misunderstanding and fuss. Then we cuddled and renewed our membership in our mutual admiration society.

Have I mentioned that I love my husband?

Not funny.

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Noah is a shit. No really. A complete and total brat. Some days I think I should tickle him despite his screeching protests. I can ignore getting my nose licked in retaliation.

Butt head.

I don’t appreciate his hyperbole mocking my overreactions.

The best laid plans…

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We have a daughter. Her name is Shanna Francesca. She was born at 9:54 May 24th after a 49 hour labor. We didn’t have the home birth of my dreams because after 40 hours of difficult labor and no sleep I was only 4 cm dilated. At the rate I was going I wouldn’t have had the strength to push when I got to that point. I transfered to Valley Med where we had the best hospital experience I can imagine having. I was presented with options and gently encouraged in the direction that the given nurse/doctor felt was best but at no time did I feel actual pressure. When I turned down their suggestions they would very cautiously and respectfully ask if I was sure then accepted my decision without judgment. I am thrilled by how accommodating the staff was. Multiple people were very pro-home birth and understood that I was not gung-ho about the hospital procedures and made every effort to bend or break rules so that my wishes could be accommodated. Really–it was great. Our delivering doctor made the extra effort to find us a private room so that Noah and the baby and I could stay together all night. If she hadn’t then the baby would have been taken to the nursery and Noah would have been kicked out at 10. Really, I’m grateful to the staff.

I find it funny that I was discussing “compassionate epidurals” with someone a couple of days ago and I was less than thrilled with the idea. At this point I’ve changed my opinion. I needed sleep. There were big chunks of labor that weren’t really painful. The actual pushing (I did almost three hours of it) wasn’t terrible–and the epidural was basically worn off. (They had finished my first bottle of medicine and never bothered to get me a second, I was effectively unmedicated for the final hour.) Labor got hard when I was too tired to be coherent and when I became terrified that it would go on for three or four days at the intensity it had. That was a reasonable fear considering how slowly I was progressing.

At this point I am grateful for modern medicine. I needed to use it and everything went breathtakingly well for me. The hospital was good to us and for us. I’m going to try for a homebirth again next time. I hear that once the cervix has opened once it usually is more willing to do so the second time. 🙂

I have no regrets or anger or upset over how things went. I made it through 40 hours on my own. That’s a very long time and I’m quite proud of myself. I pushed for freakin ever and I got my 8 pound baby out. (She’s also 20″ long.) She’s gorgeous. I have been with Noah and Shanna almost constantly since her birth and I may well have missed as much time as I did at home. 🙂 I’m so joyful. This is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. We signed out of the hospital this morning AMA and now we are home.

I am so very lucky. I’ll get pictures up very soon, I promise.

The most annoying thing

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about reading romance novels is that I always end up wistfully thinking, “I wish I had a glittery hooha. I know this is lame. I know Noah adores me. But he’s not obsessed with me like that. I haven’t spoiled him for sex with all women for all time. Granted he may not have sex with a woman (uhm, other than me) again–but it won’t be because I’m just so amazing that the thought is unappealing. The thought of me getting upset isn’t worth facing… but that’s different.

Doing my best.

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So I kind of freaked on Noah yesterday. I’m not telling you why. Suffice to say I was not as awesome of a wife as he deserves. But I tried to find solutions. Then more stuff got complicated today. ACK. But I sent him off with his best friend tonight. It’s been hard for him to be stuck at home all the time with me. It’s hard to be supportive of someone getting their needs met when your needs are conflicting. I’m trying though.

This life and being a grown up and taking care of your partner stuff is all a big fat pain in the ass.

The kind of thing I sit and think about

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I think that relationships are complicated. When you think about what makes someone “right” for someone else you are looking at a whole elaborate string of interrelated points and it’s hard to figure out what is the clincher or deal breaker. Yeah, Noah is awesome in general and attentive and a good communicator (very unusual) and hot and good at sex and… He’s just a really bitchin package.

But I think I know what the clincher is. See–I have a really clear picture of what I want in my life. Of what the most important non-negotiable thing was in a life partner. I believe with all my heart and soul that Noah will be a good father. He balances me in all the most ideal ways. We’ve already spent a lot of time talking about how we think parenting should look. Yeah, there are going to be surprises and course corrections and there will be things that Don’t Go As Planned–but our overall attitudes and how they work towards dealing with kids is unlikely to drastically change.

I am not the most stable person on the planet. I work really hard at being consistent, but I can only do the best I can do. Noah is incredibly stable and cheerful and good natured. I’m really happy that I can give that to my kids even if I can’t be that. Noah also believes in letting kids do things for themselves and letting them learn how to accomplish things; they can ask for help if they need it, but I think “doing it for them” is a good way to stifle kids learning. My opinion is backed up by a lot of studies. 🙂 There are areas where I am probably inclined to be far more strict than necessary and Noah is good at telling me that I’m being lame and over reacting. (It’s a delicate line let me tell you.) He likes to play and is physically comfortable with touching far more than me which is going to be awesome for our kids. He can make up the best stories. I really suck at making up stories. He’s so willing to try things even if he might suck at them–I spend too much time worrying about looking stupid. Noah will be awesome at reminding me that just because he doesn’t need privacy and it’s ok for me to snoop in his stuff it’s not ok to do that with our kids. 🙂

Noah is everything I wish my father had been and wasn’t. I’m so glad I get to bring kids into the world and have them grow up with him.